Merry New Year!

Heh. It must be Eddie Murphy Inspired Title Week around here.

As the year draws to a close an I approach the blog's first birthday, I figured why not sit back and pick the best of various things in the past year.

The nominees and eventual winners in each of these categories are not limited by whether the film, book, etc. was released in 2005, but whether the first time I saw the movie, read the book, etc. was in 2005. Make sense? Really? Well, that's rare.

Best Movie I Watched For The First Time In 2005 (Non-Theater Category):

Finding Neverland

Best Movie (Theater Category):
Sideways

Best Movie (Documentary):

March of the Penguins

Best Book (Fiction):

Two months ago this was not even a race. Life of Pi would have won hands down. Then The Kite Runner was chosen as our book club selection. It was still close, but as much as I loved Pi, The Kite Runner was even better.

Best Book (Non-Fiction):

I'm having a hard time deciding. I enjoyed so many books and there were three that really stuck out: Devil in the Details, Blink and The Tipping Point. The Tipping Point just edges out the other two.

Least Favorite Book:

This one was tough for me. There were books I didn't really like, but only a few I really disliked. In the end, I think I'll go with The Da Vinci Code, simply because it had such hype around it and still really stunk.

Favorite Made For TV Movie:

Locusts, obviously.

Favorite Post I Wrote in 2005:

Leaving on a Jet Plane, The Celery Stalks at Midnight or Das Bat. These may not have been the most interesting or thought provoking posts I wrote, but they were the ones where I felt I accomplished my original intent the best, as well as the type of post I like best, story telling.

Least Favorite Post I Wrote in 2005:

Yeah, as if I could only chose one or even a handful. We're just lucky I could pick anything to go in the favorite category rather than in here.

Until next year...

Musings on Television

Just a few thoughts while searching for something worth watching.

1. I tried giving the show Numbers a try a couple of times. If you aren't familiar with it, it centers on an FBI agent who gets help solving crimes from his brother, the brilliant mathmetician. Any show so nerd-freindly deserved at least a chance. Unfortunately, the show stinks. It's only mildly interesting, the characters are annoying and the attempts at including science and math add nothing and feel forced.

2. I can't believe that we can now get Saved By The Bell on DVD, but there are no DVDs of Iron Chef. If there was ever a show that needed to be released on DVD, that is it.

3. I really can't stand the Smuckers guy. You know who I mean. He's been narrating the commercials for Smuckers jams for years. When I'm at the grocery store looking for jam (or jelly or preserves), I see the Smuckers jars and immediately think of him saying "With a name like Smuckerssshhh, it has to be good." and if there is any other option, I immediately move on to the next brand. I have a feeling that's not the result they're going for.

4. America's Funniest Videos is on television about 20 of the 24 hours in the day. At any point, you can flip through the channels and find it. It's on so much that I don't even know if it's all syndication or if they are still making new episodes.

5. They might as well rename America's Funniest Videos "Stupid People Injuring Themselves, Cute Animals and Guys Getting Hit In The Groin."

6. There was never a good host of AFV, but Bob Saget may be the reason the mute button was invented.

Until later...

Prepare Yourself, for I Shall Unveil The Cuteness

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Chewie.

By The Power of Grayskull!

You know how sometimes you say something and then realize that maybe, just maybe, you should have kept that thought internal? Yeah, neither do I. However, if anything like that did ever happen to me it probably would have gone something like this:

A group of us were sitting around in the snack bar at work during break recently. It was early in the morning, so people were drinking coffee and tea, eating typical breakfast fare. This, of course, means I was drinking a Diet Mountain Dew. As we sat there talking, the subject of peculiar middle names came up, and people tossed out their favorites. Eventually, a coworker said that she once knew a girl whose middle name was Sheera. This correct response was to nod, perhaps give an affirmative "hmm" sound and allow the conversation to move on to the next person with a name to share. Unfortunately, this is not at all how it went. She said "Sheera." My brain said "She-Ra." Then I said (aloud, mind you), "She-Ra! As in 'Princess of Power'?!?!?!" As I looked around the table, I realized that I had indeed said this and said it loudly. There were odd looks from everyone, until finally one person began to laugh. Please, as if they weren't fans of Masters of the Universe as kids, too.

Like I said, nothing like that ever really happens to me. I'm glad, too, because if it did happen, it might end up being pretty embarrassing.

Until later...

Trivial Tuesday

Oh, it's Tuesday, right.

In keeping with the Golden Child theme from earlier today, I have a question for you my dear, sweet brother Numsie. The child Chandler Jarrell had to protect was to bring a specific virtue to the world. What was this virtue that would die with the Golden Child if Numspaa succeeded in killing him?

Post the correct answer in the comments section and you can win this weeks bragging rights "yust like that."

Update: Congrats to MC Etcher (with a bit of an assist from Mikey). The Golden Child was the bringer of compassion.

The virtues were reversed in the first guesses that were made. The bringer of justice had already been killed (thus the unjust world) and if compassion died, the world would become hell.

There's The Ground. There's The Ground, Monty

The weather has taken a turn for the better. We had snow on Thanksgiving day, which melted after a day or two, followed by snow again shortly after that the remained on the ground getting covered by layer after layer of new snow. The temperature stayed low and the snow remained. Finally, just before Christmas we had a bit of a warm up. On Christmas Eve the temperature stayed above freezing, and it began raining, helping to melt down much of the snow still on the ground.

Before enough of the snow melted, the temperature dropped back down and it began snowing on Christmas day. Since then, however, we have had a couple of quite warm (relatively speaking) days in a row and a little more rain. The ground is visible again in many spots reminding me that, yes, there is a lawn that will need cutting under there. For now, I'm too pleased with the slightly warmer weather to be bothered by the lawn. Besides, all the fog from the melting snow and ice hides it well.

In celebration of our mini-thaw, please go back and read the title of this post in your best Eddie Murphy impersonation. "I, I, I, I, I, I, I...want the knife...Please..."

It's All About The Hamiltons, Baby! (A Chronicles of Narnia Review)

First of all, if the title of this post doesn't make sense to you, you really need to check out the SNL parody video, "Lazy Sunday". (Link stolen from Invisible Lizard, who talked about it a few days ago.) The video does assume some knowledge of the books, general pop culture and history, but it is definitely worth a look and few (dozen) laughs.

We went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe with my family while we were visiting. The Chronicles of Narnia were written by C. S. Lewis, a friend and contemporary of J. R. R. Tolkien. While never the equal of Tolkien's trilogy in quality or popularity, Chronicles has still found an audience among fantasy lovers for many years and with good reason.¹

The first² novel in the Chronicles of Narnia series, TLTWTW introduces us to the land of Narnia as well as some of the characters that will return in later stories. Four children, Peter, Susan , Edmund and Lucy, step through a wardrobe and into a magical world known as Narnia, where it is always Winter and never Christmas. As it turns out, Narnia hasn't always been this way, but has fallen under the spell of the White Witch. The children learn from various creatures and talking animals³ that the White Witch has been ruling, but that Aslan (who we eventually learn is a lion) is returning to restore Narnia. The story plays out, sampling bits of mythology from various sources and layering them with large portions of Christianity, weaving a tale that is familiar, yet entirely its own.

So, what did I think? I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, just like the novels, its similarities will encourage comparisons to The Lord of The Rings trilogy and those will not be kind. Judged on its own, it is a fairly well told story with good but not great acting (almost all films centering on children suffer from this to some extent) and remarkable visual effects. So, yes I enjoyed it, but I still felt that there was something not quite right. Something missing or out of place. Maybe it was the direction; Andrew Adamson's only previous directing credits are for the two Shrek films. Perhaps, as eventually happens to Susan, I have simply allowed myself to grow up and can no longer access the magic of Narnia as I once did.

¹ To be fair, he may not have been Tolkien's equal, but Lewis does manage to avoid Tolkien's unpleasant propensity for verbosity. Some might call it meticulous attention to detail, but I call it really loving the sound of your own voice. Really, I love Tolkien, but people say that he needs to shut up more often that they say it about me, and that's never good.

² Yes, it is the first novel. There has been quite a bit of debate over this recently. I even heard a discussion on this while listening to NPR. (The December Reader's Review on the Diane Rehm show was for TLTWTW.) While events in The Magician's Nephew and The Horse and His Boy take place before (or in the case of The Horse and His Boy, during) TLTWTW, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe was written first and lays the foundation upon which all other Narnia novels are built. It is first, and I will no more argue this than I will allow you to say that the first Star Wars movie contains Jake Lloyd and Jar Jar Binks.

³ The animals in Narnia talk. Yet they eat meat and use animals for transport and labor. Where are they getting the meat? From the talking animals? How do the animals feel about their roles? Am I the only one disturbed by this? I'm not a vegetarian, nor do I plan to be. However, if an animal displayed a level of sentience on par with humans (or greater than some) and especially if the messianic figure in my world was an animal, I think I might think twice about eating meat. I can say for sure that if the horse I am riding starts talking to me, I would at least converse with it about whether its ok with me sitting on its back. "Are you alright down there? I'm really sorry. I've been meaning to lose this holiday weight, but it's just not working." Half a mile later: "You still ok? I can walk for a while if you'd like." Two miles: "Are you sure I'm not bothering you? I really don't want to cause any problems." Another mile or so: "Do you need to stop for a drink or anything?" A quarter mile down the road: "Still doing--" Horse throws me and tramples me underfoot: "Would you shut up!" Bleeding on the ground: "Sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were--" *STOMP*<sup>4

4</sup> Is it bad that I just wrote a narrative that included my own death? Should I see someone about this?<sup>5

5</sup> Is it also bad that I have a footnote to a footnote and now a footnote to a footnote on a footnote? What about the fact that my footnotes are actually considerably longer than the actual post? See what I meant about not shutting up?

From The Home Office in Crazytown

Have you heard about this yet? It appears that some woman in New Mexico has managed to get a restraining order against David Letterman. I don't know that the two have ever met, but she is claiming that Letterman has been harassing her through secret messages, code words and gestures during his show. To prevent this from continuing, Letterman is not permitted within three yards of her and is forbidden to think of her. Honey, I've got news for you: You just found the one way to make sure he's thinking of you. And it's not happy thoughts.

I'm unsure why a judge would possibly give a restraining order, even a temporary one, to this woman. Not because she's insane and thinks that he means her when he says Oprah. Not because if she wasn't insane and this were true, she could simply not watch the show and it would all be over. I'm confused about the restraining order, because this is clearly all her fault. You see, this all began when she started "sending thoughts of love" to Letterman over ten years ago. He quickly became obsessed and, according to her, began harassing her. Really though, what can you expect? If you are going to telepathically give love to a complete stranger, you have to prepare yourself for the potential that they won't be able to draw the line. The last time I attempted something like that Salma Hayek wouldn't leave me alone for at least three years. Why else do you think she took that role in Frida? The acclaim? Please. It was so awkward to see her talking to the press about Edward Norton and know that she was really using her code name for me. The difference is that I didn't go to court and make a big deal out of it. These are the risks you take when you mix ESP and celebrities.

I actually can't understand how she could get a restraining order for this when so many people who need to protect themselves from people like her have trouble obtaining them before things have escalated too far. In my opinion, that is the real crime here.

Until later...

Fatness Not Fitness

Have you been to Arby's recently? The roast beef sandwiches, long the heart and soul of the franchise (at least before the diversification into Market Fresh sandwiches), are now available in three sizes and when you order you have to specify whether you want a small, medium or large sandwich. The typical, and some would argue logical, assumption would be that if you wish to get a regular sized sandwich, the medium would be the way to go. However, when you get that medium sandwich it comes in a wrapper that says "Giant Roast Beef." There are, in fact, not three new sizes of sandwiches; they have just renamed the sandwiches (presumably) to get people to buy the larger size. So now the former Giant is called a Medium. The original Regular Roast Beef is now a Small. Where does that leave the large? Oh yeah, it's the sandwich formerly known as the Big Montana. I'm all for changing the name of that sandwich, because Big Montana might have been one of the worst names for a fast food product ever (right behind Taco Bell's short lived Things We Found in the Dumpster Burrito), but when this is the sandwich that used to be advertised as the 1/2 pound of roast beef for only the biggest of appetites, you might want to keep something in the name indicating that it is approximately the size of a basketball.

Unfortunately, Arby's isn't the only place messing with the menu. I went through the drive through at a Burger King recently and began to order a number three meal: The Whopper Jr. Lo and behold, the number three meal was not the Whopper Jr. but the Triple Whopper. Now, if you are already claiming that your burger is big by calling it the Whopper, do you really need not only a double but a triple version of that? Seriously, I'm fat and I look at that sandwich and think, "That's just not right. It's like a whole herd of cattle on one bun." Who eats the Triple Whopper and how many people ordered what they thought was a Whopper Jr. meal only to find out that they had more food than the Christian Children's Fund gives away in a month? I'm starting to wonder about Burger King anyway. First the Ultimate Omlette breakfast sandwich, which I'm pretty sure is six eggs, three sticks of butter, a side of bacon and a whole smoked hog on a very large bun, then the triple Whopper. I think the King from the commercials might be running things now, and he needs a lot of food support that giant head. (Side note, because I so rarely have those: That dude is just creepy. He's got this huge head and doesn't ever speak. He just stares at you and grins. He's always popping up in places people don't expect him and leering at them. He's like Jason Vorhees on Thorazine.) With these new huge sandwiches, they're either catering to Diamond Jim Brady or to Gaston from Disney's Beauty and the Beast (Go on, sing the song. You'll get it.)

Everywhere you look there is talk of how Americans are getting fatter. I say stop blaming Americans. These companies keep putting out larger and larger sizes and in some cases renaming things so that they do not appear quite so overindulgent. I say it's entirely the fault of the companies and they should be held responsible for my fatness, not me. After all, what are we supposed to do? Order something else? Stop going there?

Oh...right.

Trivial Tuesday

Since Invisible Lizard was fighting the urge to start quoting Grosse Pointe Blank, I figured why not make it worse. This week for Trivial Tuesday we'll play a game of complete the Grosse Pointe Blank quote. It's one of my favorite exchanges from the movie. I'll start it off and you give me the line that finishes the sequence. It's easy, you'll see.

Waitress: What do you want in the omlette sir?
Marty: Nothing in the omlette, nothing at all.
Waitress: Well, that's not technically an omlette.
Marty: Look...

First one to post the rest of Marty's line in the comments section wins bragging rights for the week. Good luck, and remember: You can never go home again...but I guess you can shop there.

Update: Invisible Lizard wins this week's bragging rights. Check out the comments for the answer.

I Killed the President of Paraguay with a Fork. How Have You Been?

It's been a little while since I last posted. I could make excuses, (I was out of town for early Christmas festivities. My grandfather was in the hospital while we were there, so we stayed longer. I haven't been able to get enough energy to post since I got back.) but I won't. 10 days is a long time, so what do I have to report?

Not much really. We celebrated Christmas with the family, and had a lot of people in the house. Really, a lot: 2 Grandparents, 2 parents, 2 sisters, 2 brothers-in-law, 2 nieces, 4 nephews, MK, me, 3 dogs. That's 16 people and 3 dogs if you're counting. It was great to see my family, especially since I don't see my parents that often, and I see my sisters and their respective families even less.

I've become completely obsessed with a little gadget we received. It's a handheld version of 20 questions. I'd played with 20Q.net before, but having a version you can carry around is just downright addictive. I am often surprised by the things it can figure out and sometimes by the things it can't get. Given 20 yes or no questions (technically, 19 plus a category selection), could you identify a capybara? Yeah, I was impressed with that one. On the other hand, I'm not sure that I could confuse "a pair of trousers" with "an oil painting," but it did.

In addition, my sisters introduced me to Runescape, an online multi-player RPG. This is great, because it's always good to introduce people with obsessive personalities to something that can be addictive and possibly consume your entire life. Apparently, this was faster than helping me locate a crack dealer. If I disappear from here without notice, it's probably just that I kept playing and forgot to eat. Don't worry though, it will take a lot of missed meals for me to waste away, so we should have a few months.

We realized after we left that, though we had brought our digital camera with us, we didn't take any pictures. Well, almost didn't take any. We took a few pictures of one of the dogs that will probably show up on here in the near future, but that's not the point. It's disappointing that we didn't take any other pictures (we were just always busy doing something else), because it's amazing how much kids grow when you aren't around. My nieces and nephews now range from about 7 and a half to almost 17. I have been trying to convince them all to stop aging, but they won't listen and keep growing up. It's as if I'm getting older, but we all know that's not true.

That pretty much sums up what's been going on, or at least as much as will get put on here. With any luck, I'll post a trivia question tomorrow and quickly get back into the swing of things. I also have what seems like a million books and movies to review and some of them have been waiting long enough that I'll probably just have to skip them. This may not matter to you, but it annoys me quite a bit. For now, however, this long, rambling, getting you up to date on my life post will have to do.

Until later...

Wait a Minute, Saint Nicholas Would Kick You?

The legends of Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas and Father Christmas from around the world have always been interesting to me. I feel that it is one tradition that most places in the world that celebrate Christmas have kept, yet they have all adapted it to make it their very own tradition. Whether people have a Santa who lives at the North Pole with elves, Saint Nicholas the patron saint of prostitutes and lawyers (nope, no possible jokes there), or Father Christmas, formerly the embodiment of winter itself, we mix and match our mythologies to create the appropriate entity for our very own symbol of Christmas.

It isn't even just country to country differences, families have their own traditions which may not be the same as the other families nearby. In our family, each kid went to sleep on Christmas Eve with a piece of ribbon tied around his or her wrist. Each child had a different color. In the morning, the corpulent chimney diver had not only delivered presents, but had marked each of them with the appropriate color of ribbon. Quite the resourceful fellow, if you ask me.

Even outside of the Santa Claus legend, there are all sorts of holiday (regardless of which holiday we're talking about) traditions that we pick up from various places and make our own. The opening of gifts: Gifts were opened on Christmas morning, but children were allowed to open a single gift before bed on Christmas Eve. Food: With family roots in Texas, dinner on Christmas Eve was often Mexican food, specifically, tamales. We lived in the South for much of my life, so on New Years Day, we had black eyed peas. According to tradition, eating them on January 1st wards off bad luck for the next year. Did we believe it? No, but it is tradition. (The problem with that one is that I hate black eyed peas.)

What about your family? Did you have any special traditions? Since I'm going out of town to visit family (now that we can actually leave the driveway) and may not be around to post anything, post your traditions and talk amongst yourselves. But behave, because Santa Claus isn't the only one watching.

Until later...

Trip, Interrupted

As I have alluded to in previous posts, we are going to be out of town soon. In fact, we're leaving today. At least, that was the plan. We were supposed to be leaving early this morning so that the 12 or so hours of driving to visit my family will not have us arriving in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, Mother Nature (or Momma Nat as those of us on such good terms with her like to call her) had other plans. We already had snow on the ground here. It had been snowing on and off for a week or more. Last night, we had even more snow dumped on top of what was already there. When I got up, I looked outside and declared that it wasn't that bad out. Then I stepped outside.

Looking down and realizing that I could no longer see my feet, or my ankles, or anything to about halfway to my knees, I decided that perhaps this might be a problem. Cursing the fact that I don't have a snow blower, I trudged to the garage and broke out the shovel. Of course, if I ever figure out how to get my car from the garage to the street, we're still at the mercy of the snow plows. With any luck, they will have finished up plowing and the roads will be clear by the time we get going. Unfortunately, we'll still probably end up arriving much later than intended.

Now, if you'll excuse me I've got to shovel more snow.

It's The Holiday Season, With The Whoop-De-Do

As we rocket toward the time of gift giving, or, more importantly, last-minute gift buying, the stores put more and more displays of "special" gifts that you can grab without any though whatsoever for the person you forgot. Tonight we were at the grocery store and as we entered the produce section, I saw a selection of gift baskets that the store was offering. The baskets typically contained a mix of edible items and inedible items like CDs and DVDs packaged together for one low price. One in particular caught my eye. I wasn't able to read the official name of the gift pack, but I think it pretty much speaks for itself.

The basket contained a special collectible Nascar/Coca-Cola tin filled with popcorn or some other sort of snack. Collectible tins like this are common during the holidays, and come with just about anything imaginable on and in them, so that wasn't too surprising. Alongside the tin was the "Unrated" DVD of The Dukes of Hazzard. I'm not really sure that there was much of a demand for this special edition DVD, but then again I'm not sure there was a demand for the movie in the first place. To top it all off...literally, it was on top like the star on a tree...was a six pack of Bud Light. I don't know; maybe it was supposed to make the movie tolerable.

There's no better way to show your favorite redneck you love him than a gift basket designed around his individual interests.

Until later...

Re: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Rant

I don't get up on my soapbox, get on my high horse, claim the moral high ground or any other related cliche too often around here. I usually at least pretend to be funny and clever. Today is going to be different. I apologize in advance for doing it, but not for what I'm going to say.

How many forwarded emails do you get each day? Friends, family, coworkers all send us email after email tagged with a string of Fw: before the subject line. You may read them. You may throw them in the trash. You may be the one sending them on to other people. These emails can be anything from lists of interesting facts to political messages to heartwarming stories to jokes to vitriolic diatribes that might as well be a call to arms.

When you get one of these, or more importantly when you forward it on to the next person, how often do you take the time to check the facts? I read a story recently that really upset me, and it was all because people were sending things along without bothering to find out if it was true. As it turns out, it wasn't true. It seems that someone made it up and then started spreading it through email.

A store owner in Tennessee has been accused via email of refusing to serve a soldier at his convenience store. The email describes how he told the man that they don't serve soldiers there. In addition, the email goes on to tell about how this man had celebrated on 9/11 until someone beat him up. The problem? It's not true. No such thing has happened at this store (which is mentioned in some of the emails). No celebrating during 9/11. No refusal to serve soldiers. In fact, members of the armed forces from local bases have public stated their support for the owners of the store, because they make up a large portion of the store's customers.

The problem is that someone started this. I don't know who they are, so I can't say why, though the fact that the owners of the store don't look like the "Patriotic Rednecks" the author(s) of the email claim to be is a fairly likely reason. Some one started this and every time anyone reads it and becomes upset and then sends it on, the problem spreads. Is getting upset over something like the alleged incidents justifiable? Sure, to an extent. (These people have to fear for their safety, which would be uncalled for even if every word of the email was true.) I can see people being upset by someone mistreating others and not wanting to do business with them. I can even see wanting to tell others so that they don't do business there. But people do not take the time to stop and look for the truth.

This isn't an isolated incident. If you do research on the emails that get forwarded to you on a daily basis, I would estimate that almost as many are misstated or completely fabricated as are true. It's up to each and every one of us to take the few moments necessary to check on these. If we don't, we are complicit with the originators and any of those who intended harm. The next time you think about hitting that forward button, stop to wonder if it is true or not. Remember not to believe everything that you read, but most importantly remember that you can be negatively impacting the life of another human being simply by helping spread someone else's lies.

And with that, I shall get down off my high horse.

More info? Here are links about this story:

From Blount Today

From Maryville, TN Times 1, 2

Snopes.com article reviewing the situation.

Trivial Tuesday

I'm not sure how many Trivial Tuesday questions will be up before Christmas. I already know I'll be gone next Tuesday, but don't know if I'll post anything, and the week before Christmas tends to be slightly insane. Since I am not sure about other chances to do it, I'll make today's category Christmas.

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen as well as all the other guys, but do you recall the most famous marketing ploy of all? The names of Santa's reindeer all come from the Christmas poem of questionable authorship, "A Visit from Saint Nicholas" with the exception of that red-nosed fellow named Rudolph. He was in fact created, along with his backstory, as part of a hoilday book giveaway for a large department store. What store created and distributed Rudolph, expanding on the already well established legend of Santa Claus?

As always, post your answer in the comments section to win nothing.

Update: Congratulations to this week's winner, Invisible Lizard. The department store responsible for the creation of Rudolph was Montgomery Ward.

Puff, Puff, Pass

This week it was time once again to go in for an eye exam. After discovering a couple of years ago that I have perfectly acceptable vision in one eye but am approaching blind in the other, I have needed to wear glasses while doing anything like reading, working at a computer, etc. Well, supposed to wear glasses is probably the better term. I wore them a lot of the time for the these things, but not always. Wore. Past tense. You see, I made a bit of a mistake a while back. I set the glasses down where the dog could get them and then forgot. He eventually decided that this nice soft case they were in would make a fabulous chew toy. I suppose I could wear them now, but if the scratched lenses didn't bother me, the mangled frames poking into my head probably would. I guess I'm fortunate since the doctor told me this time that if I was not left eye dominant, I would need the glasses full time and probably wouldn't even be able to pass a test for a driver's license without them. Instead, I can get away with not wearing them as long as I'm ok with the strain and the constant questioning from everyone who sees me when I've been reading, writing or typing. "What's with your eyes?" "Are you ok?" "Wow, your allergies must really be acting up." "Have you been crying?" And my favorite: "Dude, are you stoned or hungover? What's going on?" I'm not sure whether I'm more disturbed by the people thinking I'm in my office getting high or the ones thinking I'm in my office crying.

One thing I have never really understood during the eye exam is the glaucoma test. For those of you who haven't had one of these, allow me to give you a brief explanation:

They have you put your head in front of this machine that aims what appears to be a small caliber gun at your eyeball. The machine then shoots a puff of air into your eye. It's wonderful that we can test for and even treat glaucoma now, but couldn't we come up with something better than this? From the time the very first human opened the very first eye, we have all been trying to keep things out of them. Every instinct we have tells us to protect the eye from foreign invaders, be they sharp sticks, very small rocks or a blast of air. Now, you lean your forehead against the headrest and brace yourself, because you know what is coming. You think, "I am an intelligent being and I can control my instincts," knowing full well that it's all a lie. You sit there readying yourself for the inevitable, and it doesn't happen. So you wait, and still nothing. Finally, as you begin to wonder if the person performing the exam has lapsed into unconsciousness, the puff of air is unleashed. All of the time telling yourself not to move has been wasted as your instincts kick in and scream, "Save the eye! Quick, close the lids and duck." The feeling of panic quickly fades, only to be replaced by humiliation when you realize that you just threw yourself to the floor to avoid air, and now the test has to be repeated. The way I reacted to this test I expect a full head restraint to keep my still and tape to keep my eyelids open the next time I go in.

When I went in for my test this time, I tried everything I could to keep myself still. When the air was blown into the first of my eyes to be examined, I pulled away, but fortunately not enough to impact the test. I apologized to the technician performing the test and said, "I knew what to expect but jumped anyway." Chuckling, she switched to aiming at the other eye, lowered my head a little (giving me a complex about having eyes that aren't level in the process) and prepared to test again. Once more I braced myself. Whoosh. The air came rushing at me. I closed my eye and pulled my head out of the way. She looked at the reading on the machine as I apologized. No good, we have to do it again. One more try, similar reaction. This time, however, the reading is obtained. Thankful that it's over, I apologized to her once more and sheepishly made my way out to the lobby to wait for the doctor. "Don't worry about it," she said, "You made me laugh." Great, I'm always glad when my humiliation can bring a little joy into someone else's work day.

Until later...

Answer Me These Questions Three

When we went to see Harry Potter, I noticed that the theater had changed the badges that their employees wear. Rather than being simply a name tag, the badges each had three pieces of information on them. The first, obviously, was their name, but it was other two that got my attention. They were "All-time favorite movie" and "Favorite current movie." I noticed a couple of responses to each while in line for popcorn (What? You think I went to the movies without getting popcorn? I might as well stay home.) For favorite all time movie, I saw Back to The Future and Army of Darkness. For favorite currently showing movie, I saw Harry Potter and Good Night, and Good Luck.

This of course, started me thinking about what my responses would be if I were working there. (Unfortunately, the pay is not equivalent, so I won't be changing careers.) What would I say for all-time favorite? Would I go the pretentious route and list Ikiru, my favorite of the Kurosawa films I have seen, but likely one that most people haven't seen (though given the readers of this blog, the percentages may be a bit different)? Would I allow nostalgia to take over and pick Goonies? Would I give in to my inner geek and pick Empire Strikes Back or maybe the Lord of The Rings Trilogy (my inner geek is indecisive)? Maybe I'd go with a Hong Kong action flick and choose The Killer? Maybe I could just pick by genre. A western: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Film-noir: Touch of Evil or The Third Man. Spielberg directed: Raiders of the Lost Ark. Romantic Comedy: Love Actually. Musical: Keep going, no one will notice you didn't pick one. Mystery/Thriller: The Usual Suspects. Silent: Nosferatu (ok, fine. I'm cheating here, because my knowledge of silent films only includes about five movies.)

Once I finally decided on an all-time favorite, I'd have to start in on current movies. This might not be as hard, but it would have to be repeated on an almost constant basis. I can't imagine the pressure involved in making a final decision and having to wear it on display for everyone to see. That's it. It's final. There is no way I'm going to quit my job and work at the movie theater. I just don't think I can handle such a high stress environment.

Until later...

The Price Is Wrong, Or Is It?

We went home for lunch on Monday. It's one of the advantages of living only a couple miles from work, now. While we were eating, we had The Price Is Right on the TV. There are a few things that really bugged me about it.

First, how old is Bob Barker? He's been asking people to spay or neuter their pets since before the Civil War. I'm starting to wonder if he's actually Ponce de Leon.

And what's with the weird cult following? Do people hope that he'll pass on the secret to eternal life? I don't know about you, but if I told women to reach in my pocket to get money, I'd get punched, arrested or sued. Bob does it (well, maybe not now), and he's just a cool guy.

Is this the most ridiculous concept for a game show ever? People win prizes they don't want based on whether or not they know the price of a tube of denture cream. I hope that the only time in my life I ever need to know the price of Super Poli-Grip is for this show.

The whole Barker's Beauties thing has always creeped me out (Stepford wives just aren't my thing). It bugged me even more after the sexual harassment suit and firing one of the models for gaining about 15 pounds (allegedly of course). Today, I heard Bob tell contestants to take a look at what Fire had for them to bid on. Fire? Have we started recruiting American Gladiatiors to be Barker's Beauties now? I'm worried that next we'll have Blaze and Laser carrying out..."A new car!!!!"

Finally, has the audience finally made the transition to full-blown "Let's Make A Deal" mode? Everyone has a shirt just for the occasion so that they can show off whatever their cause is or get a little more camera time by having something cute about Bob Barker on the shirt. When you stop to think about it, this show really was the beginning of what would become reality TV: people who may or may not care about why they are actually there, trying to get on television and maybe win something. There's not much difference between these people and the ones on Big Brother, when it comes down to it.

Yeah, I'm complaining a bunch, but hey at least it's not Judge Judy or Jerry Springer. The reality of it is that whether there are problems with the show or not, people watch. People watch because they can play along and because it allows them to feel like they could do better that the actual contestants. You don't have to be able to spell or work out word puzzles (Wheel of Fortune). You don't have to have an encyclopedic knowledge base (Jeopardy). You don't have to put up with that guy who used to be Al on Home Improvement (Family Feud). You just have to be better than someone else at guessing a price. In the end, it's the everyman game, and I guess that's what its appeal is.

Until later...

Trivial Tuesday

Let's go with a little TV trivia today.

A certain television doctor has said that he feels guilty "being paid more to become a fake version of my own father." Who is this actor and what is the show?

Post the answer as a comment and show off your mighty trivia powers.

Update: From the other side of the globe comes Laziest Girl with the answer to the question. The quote is from Hugh Laurie who plays Dr. Greg House on House.

A Fount of Useless Information Holiday Special:

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore...actually with apologies to anyone who has ever written any poetry, I give you:

A Visit From Booker Claus

Twas a few days after Thanksgiving, and in my neighborhood
Not a scrap was uneaten; at least nothing good.

The new Christmas tree sat over there, in the corner
The sparkling white lights waiting to adorn her.

MK in her hoodie, and I feeling fat
Sat down to watch Simpsons. Or something like that.

Into the room pranced the world's strangest sight
I laughed and guffawed. I roared with delight.

There in front of the tree, sitting straight up
Was a big-eared black dog, barely a pup.

On his head sat a hat, round his neck was a cape
My jaw then did slacken. My mouth was agape.

"Quick take a picture" I exclaimed with great relish.
"I'll use it on my blog. It's lately been dullish."

I couldn't believe the sight that I'd seen.
A visit from Booker Claus is so super-keen.

Laying a paw across his long snout
He scratched at an itch and then barged right out.

And I heard him exclaim as he stormed off to bed,
"I've had enough. Get this hat off my head."

"I am the dog and you are the human
Even though you're as fat as the postman named Newman."

"I'm a proud canine hunter. I shall not be shamed
In your holiday pictures, so festively framed."

"I do not wear hats, have a beard or wear boots
I don't answer to Santa and I don't wear red suits."

"Stop dressing me up. I'm a dog not a doll
The next person to clothe me, I promise, I'll maul."

"You're the one who wears clothing from your head to your feet
Now stop this absurdity and give me a treat."

Happy beginning of the holiday season.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I realize that most people who want to see it already have, but I'll go ahead and give my two cents on the latest Potter flick, anyway. A few spoilerish things might find their way in there, so use caution.

Before the film even started, we had a couple of very interesting trailers: Lady in the Water and Superman Returns. (We also had King Kong, but I'd seen that one about twenty times already.) Both of them were teasers really, and gave away little about the films.

The teaser for Superman Returns gave us only a second or two of footage at a time, but also gave us voice over from Jor-El explaining why he was sending his son to Earth. Bryan Singer has a good track record, so I'm looking forward to this even if the big blue Boy Scout isn't my favorite.

Lady in the Water is the latest film from M. Night Shyamalan, who has made intriguing films, but never anything that has lived up to the enormous potential shown in The Sixth Sense. The teaser for his latest showed almost nothing, but was still (in my opinion at least) wonderfully put together. The trailer showed Paul Giamatti in a few everyday situations (working as a handyman at a hotel or apartment building, writing, watching TV) over music that set a mood that was magical and in direct opposition to the normalcy of the images. Just a few words on the screen, then a clip of Giamatti noticing something in the pool. Finally the title card, "Lady in the Water a Bedtime Story from M. Night Shyamalan" followed by an image of Giamatti as seen from underwater. I would hate to get my hopes up, because the trailers for all of Shyamalan's last three films have been better than the films themselves (which isn't to say I didn't like the movies), but this was a wonderful teaser. I know almost nothing about the movie, and I excited to see it. Oh well, on with the main attraction.

For the third time in four films, we have a new director. The Goblet of Fire was the first foray into the Potter universe for Mike Newell. I have to admit that I was a little worried when I heard that Newell was directing. After all, his last film was the retch-inducing Mona Lisa Smile, a film that I could never discuss without using the term "ham-fisted"...mostly because it was. While Newell brought his own style to the series, none of his directorial decisions changed the feel or intent of the story itself. My worries about the new director aside, the movie turned out pretty well with a few exceptions.

As has been pointed out elsewhere, this is a large book that has been turned into a movie between two and half and three hours long. Some things simply had to go. This did cause some problems, such as the inclusion of Rita Skeeter here and there without any real purpose. With her subplot removed as it was, she could have been left out of the film entirely. Also, the subject of how exactly Barty Crouch came to be free was never addressed which left a gaping hole in the plot. One thing that was shortened for time (and almost certainly money) was the Quidditch World Cup. It's a shame too, because even the short scene they included was awe-inspiring. However, I won't quibble over what got cut or shortened because there was just too much to include.

While the effects were impressive and it moved the plot along just like it should have, the best feature of the film was the way it so perfectly captured the painful awkwardness of being a teenager. Whether it's dealing with finding a date for the ball, finally realizing that your friend is, in fact a girl, or the torment handed out by the more fortunate but less scrupulous students, Newell captures this part better than either Columbus or Cuaron did in the previous films.

As with the previous films, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson stole the show. That isn't saying anything bad about Daniel Radcliffe in particular, but rather that the characters of Ron and Hermione have so much more to work with than the Radcliffe's eponymous one. The addition of Mad-Eye Moody also gave the film yet another excellent adult character to go along with the kids. Children's books and movies or not, I look forward to the next book and the next film.

So, where does it fall on the Potter scale? At this point, I still believe that Prisoner of Azkaban is the best film and that Chamber of Secrets would have to be last. I'm not sure where to place this one in relation to the original. It almost certainly was a better film than the Sorcerer's Stone (or Philosopher's Stone if you aren't from a place where they fear children would be bored by the word Philosopher), but that first film has a sense of wonder and newness that manage to lift it up despite some of its flaws. Perhaps with more time I'll figure out where it should rank, but for now I'll place Goblet of Fire right there with Sorcerer's Stone, making them a combined 2nd of the four films.

One last thing, I'm sure Voldemort was scary to some of the audience members younger than me, but I couldn't really think of anything other than how weird it was to see Ralph Fiennes without a nose.

Until later...

The Fount of Useless Information's Nashi Pear Pie

I absolutely love Asian (or Nashi) Pears. They have a great crisp consistency like the best apples and have a gentle sweet taste. I figured there had to be a way to make an excellent pie out of them, but I haven't seen a recipe. I didn't make this for Thanksgiving, because it's a new recipe that is still in development. It did turn out pretty well, so I'll go ahead and share with you. I'm sure there are still ways to improve it, but here is the first iteration of the recipe.

2 store bought pie crusts (Yeah, I cheated; get over it. You want to make the crust yourself, go ahead. I'm sure that would be better, but I had no idea how this would work the first time.)

Filling:
3 large Asian Pears
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg (freshly grated)
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon (freshly ground or grated)
1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger


Peel the pears, the skin can be tough and bitter, overwhelming the subtle flavor of the pears. Quarter and core each pear, then cut it into thin slices (you can get as many as 40 slices out of a single large pear). Place the slices in a large bowl and coat with sugar and spices. Toss the pears with the sugar and spice. Allow the mixture to sit for about 30 minutes, tossing once.

Preheat oven to 375° F.

Press one pie crust into the bottom of a 9-inch pie pan. Add sugar and spice coated pears to the pie pan, taking care to evenly distribute the pears. Cover with second crust and cut several vents to allow steam to escape.

Place pie pan on cookie sheet to catch any overflow and bake at 375° F for approximately 50 minutes, covering the edge of the crust with foil after about 15-20 minutes. After removing from the oven, allow the pie to rest for around 20 minutes before cutting.

I'll probably keep working on this and trying to improve it, but there it is for now. I hope that if any of you try it, you like it. If not: sorry.

(Sorry, no photo: I didn't have the presence of mind to take a picture before we cut it, and I didn't cut it so much as multilate it.)

Until later...

Thanksgiving

Rather than getting all sappy and telling you what I'm thankful for, it's time for the Family Feud^*. Really, what better day for a family feud than Thanksgiving, when people get together regardless of their feelings for one another. Add the wait for a meal, the stress of trying to get everything cooked in time and, in some cases, a little alcohol and feud might be an understatement. On to the feud:

One contestant gave the same answer to the following three questions in the final round before running out of time:

Something people take with them to the beach.

The first thing you pick up at the store.

A food often stuffed.

Do you know what his answer was?


Turkey!!! Yeah, they didn't win.


Have a happy Thanksgiving everybody! And if you aren't from the US, have a happy Thursday!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a pie to bake.

^*Yes, I know it was actually Family Fortunes rather than Family Feud, but that didn't work as well with the slightly more tongue-in-cheek direction I was going. No, I wasn't saying that the Thanksgivings in my family are actually like that. It was a joke. What is it with you people.

It's Like There's A Party In My Mouth And Everybody's Throwing Up!

We had to go to Target last night, and as a bribe to keep me from whining MK bought me some of the new Choxie chocolates. When I decided to write this post, I went to the Target website to find info about Choxie and discovered that there was nothing about it there. It's as if they are embarrassed about it. And they should be.

We bought a bag of assorted meltaways. The candies came in four flavors: deep dark chocolate, mint cookie crunch, espresso and raspberry lemon biscotti. I'll describe each of the flavors and rate them individually and then give a final result. The ratings will be on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being "please cut out my tongue to make it stop" and 10 being "magically delicious."

Deep dark chocolate: It's not exactly a strong chocolate flavor and has an aftertaste that reminds me of cough syrup. The chocolate itself has the consistency of a Crayola, but is relatively smooth for all its waxyness. Rating: 4

Mint cookie crunch: The mint flavoring is actually distinguishable as peppermint. The cookie crunch, on the other hand is completely unidentifiable as anything other than something crunchy. For all I know, it could be broken glass. The mint flavor is strong enough to overpower the bad chocolate, making this the best of the bunch. Rating: 5

Espresso: I couldn't really evaluate this one. Given my aversion to all things coffee, I gnawed off half of one piece and decided that I had tried enough. Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Rating: 4

Raspberry lemon biscotti: Ah, lemon-scented Pledge with notes of bath soap. The grainy biscotti pieces add that special something that all confections on earth have been missing. Not fit for human consumption. Rating: 2

My advice? Stay away. If you want bad to mediocre chocolate, you can get it much cheaper at any grocery store. If that's what you want, spend a fraction of the price and go get a Hershey bar. For the same price as Choxie, you could easily get a nice selection of much better chocolate that won't end up being thrown away only half eaten.

I know, we're all shocked that Target could let us down in making chocolate, but it's true. Though the packaging is eye catching, so it's got that going for it.

Until later...

Trivial Tuesday

It's almost Thanksgiving. I'm having a hard time making it through this short work week. How is it that three days can seem so much longer than five? Oh well, let's move on with the trivia. The theme this week is (predictably) Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving in the US has bounced around from time to time moving from the last Thursday in November to the next to last and back again. It wasn't until Congress declared Thanksgiving as a national holiday taking place on the fourth Thursday of November that things finally settled down. What year did this act of Congress finally happen?

In researching this to make sure I had my facts straight, I was amused to find that during the time when there was discussion over whether it would be the last or next to last Thursday, some states just took both as a holiday. Why couldn't that have been the final decision? That is the true spirit of compromise. Double the time off work. Double the turkey. Double the pie. Everybody wins. Except the turkey, I suppose.

Bonus Question: According to the Thanksgiving Song by Adam Sandler, whose fans can't be wrong? "Eat that turkey, all night long. 50 million _____ fans can't be wrong."


Usual rules apply. Post your answer to the question and/or bonus question in the comments section to win Turkey day bragging rights.

Call Me Winter...Winter...Winter...

I'll introduce this post with yet another one act play from my life. Eventually, I'll put all of these together into a very boring and uninteresting screenplay which is certain to win an Oscar.

Local Weather Man: Enjoy the 40's while they last, because there's snow coming later this week.

CK: Snow again? I don't want it to snow.

MK: (Makes noncommittal noise)

CK: Why does it have to snow?

MK: Um...because we live in Michigan.

Can't someone feel sorry for me. I know I live in Michigan and it's November, but I deserve a little sympathy. If nothing else, I deserve for someone to listen to me whining without pointing out the obvious. There's a reason no one ever sang a song about dreaming of a white Thanksgiving.

Oh well, at least the snow will cover up the lawn.

Until later...

Book Review: Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer

From the beginning, Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer was a book that really hit home for me. The author, Warren St. John, was originally from the Birmingham, Alabama area but had left the area (and the South) for school and then a career (replace Birmingham with Huntsville and that's not too far off for me). Like me, he was raised a fan of the University of Alabama and still has a love for Crimson Tide football.

Using this perspective (Bama fans can be some of the most deranged, for better or worse), St. John embarks on a fascinating journey into what makes the mind of a fan work the way it does. What causes the automatic "Us vs. Them" reaction? What causes the crowd mentality? What makes us want to cheer for a group of guys we have never met and might not even like if we ever did?

St. John spends a season among the RV'ers, a hardcore group of fans that drive motor homes to every game and spend a couple of days at what amounts to an extended tailgate party. We follow him through his trials in getting accepted into the group, meeting the various characters that ride this crazy circuit, through the ups and downs of a rollercoaster of a football season: 1999, which started with the coach getting sued for sexual harassment (bad), included a loss to Louisiana Tech (very bad), an overtime win against Florida (good) coached by Steve Spurrier (making it even better), a loss to Tennessee (bad for what felt like the 20th year in a row), a win at Auburn (very good), and another win over Florida for the SEC championship (also very good). We meet people involved with every aspect of the game other than the game itself. Ticket brokers? Yep. Students? Of course. Sports writers? Them too. Insane fans? By the score.

As I read the book, I was struck by the feeling that I know these people. Fine I didn't know these people. I didn't know Skipper, Chicken Man, the Heart Guy or the Bices, but I know these people. I've sat next to them at games. I've talked with them about the teams chances when I hardly knew them at all. A few years ago, on a flight from Cleveland where I had just gone for a job interview, I was seated directly behind a guy wearing a University of Alabama cap. That was all the help the conversation needed to get started, so that we could find out that we were both Northern Alabama ex-pats living in the same area of the Midwest. The hat immediately said, "one of us."

Throughout the book, Warren St. John tells his story with intelligence and humor. He is telling the story of being a fan, but with the full knowledge that this fandom is an unrealistic place. The fan is mocked and exalted on the same page, by the only person who can accurately explain both sides of the argument, a fan.

While I have never risked missing an organ transplant, or skipped a loved one's wedding because of a football game (hey, I was even in a friend's wedding during the Iron Bowl a few years ago...you know who you are), I loved this book and have to recommend it to anyone who is a fan or loves a fan.

Until later...

Where are you? Place a pin on the map.

Dear Sioux City

Dear reader from Sioux City,

You came here by searching in Google for "Michelle Rodriguez can't act." First of all, welcome to the site. Second, yes, you are correct. She can't act. I'm glad we share this opinion. Come back soon and we can discuss whether or not Mariah Carey lost all musical ability when she lost her mind.

Until later,

Management

It's Been A Long Time, I Shouldn't Have Left You...

...without a good post to amuse you.

I realized that I really haven't posted anything since last Saturday. Sure I posted a trivia question, but that doesn't really count. Other than that, I posted a quick two line thing about Progressive Car Insurance. My last real post was the list of recent searches.

I suppose I could have posted more of those. I could make fun of people who are trying to find information about Star Wars Battlefront, but type "Star Wars Battle Fount" and end up here. I could point out that people wanted to know "random facts about boys", and tell them to go ask their mother. I could even say that someone must have been very confused when looking for "a way to impress your feelings when someone dies." (Dude, if you're out there reading this, (1) you probably meant repress not impress and (2) get help, that's not healthy.)

But I won't. I just don't have the motivation to do much of anything here.

Go, Go Gadget Apathy!

Seriously, I'm running low on ideas and motivation, so you're not getting much here beyond a few random thoughts. Sorry. (Feel free to email with ideas, preferably with fully written posts that I can plagiarize, for future topics)

-I'm sick of winter already. It snowed for the first time a couple days ago, and I'm ready for Spring.

-What's the deal with franchising television shows? We have 8 Law & Orders and 6 CSI's. If this continues, I'm writing a pilot for CSI:Cheyenne complete with Christopher Walken as the sheriff investigating cattle mutilations, and chicken stealing.

-It's deer hunting season here. Actually, it's one of the deer hunting seasons here. I've never gone deer hunting, so I'm not really clear on the concept of why we have multiple seasons. We have bow hunting season, followed by muzzle loader season, followed by rifle hunting. It seems almost as if we are helping with natural selection. First, kill the really stupid and slow, then less stupid and less slow, then just the average ones. Finally, all that's left are the much faster and much more intelligent deer. Chuck Darwin would be proud. The one that really gets me is the muzzle loader season. Is this for people who sit around thinking, "I wonder how much fun it would have been to hunt a deer during the Civil War?" Next, we'll have a club hunting season, where you have to sneak up behind the deer and bash it over the head, Unfrozen Caveman Hunter style. (Did that work? It was either Unfrozen Caveman Hunter or Captain Caaaavemaaan...and son.)

-The new Harry Potter movie starts today. This means that we'll have a whole new round of hysteria over the whole thing. The last time one of these movies came out, we went to see it and saw all sorts of people (children and adults) dressed up like characters. Is this a phenomenon that started with Star Wars and Star Trek? I just have a hard time imagining people fifty years ago getting dressed up as Nathan Detroit and Sky Masterson to go see Guys and Dolls.

-The most depressing "people dressed up for a movie" incident was when we went to the theater and saw a group of late teen or early twenties guys dressed in civil war regalia to go see Gods and Generals. At least they didn't have to worry about scaring anyone else off, since they were the only people willing to pay to sit through it.

-These were supposed to be random, but I seem to focusing on one topic here. Oh well. After all that talk about dressing up for movies, I'm starting to think that maybe I should join in the fun. In case you don't recognize me, I'll be the one in the monkey suit December 16th. Unless, that is, I manage to lose a few pounds and fit into that costume for the Aeon Flux premiere.

Until later...

Trivial Tuesday

Last week's question dealt with John Carpenter, the first person to win on the American version of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. I figure, why mess with a good thing? We'll stick with the subject of John Carpenter this week.

In John Carpenter's 1986 movie, Big Trouble in Little China, Kurt Russel plays the arrogant trucker, Jack Burton. His love interest, Gracie Law, was played by an actress who would become much more famous for her television role years later. Who was that actress?

Post your answer in the comments section, and just remember what ol' Jack Burton says at a time like this...

Update: Wow. We had two answers posted within seconds of each other. So, congratulations to Fat Chunk and MHN for Short who both gave the correct answer of Kim Catrall.

And oh yeah, add yourself to the map of readers.

Commercial Confusion

Am I insane, or did I just see a commercial for Progressive where they suggested "Playa Hata Insurance"?

Did they really pay someone to come up with this?

Recent Searches

Here are a few of the more interesting search engine keywords used to find this site over the past three or four days. As a public service, I have attempted to provide the appropriate information for each search term. I hope that this is of some help to all of the people out there searching using the following terms:

Joke Microbiologist: Yep, that's me. At least that's what my boss keeps telling me.

Useless information to impress your friends: The giant Asian hornet likes to send out a scout to mark the location of honeybee hives and then send back a group of hornets to kill the bees and steal the larva. Some native bees have a special defense against these hornets. When the scout comes to the bee hive, the bees swarm it and trap it before beginning to move around rapidly. The hornet is trapped inside a ball of wiggling bees where the temperature rises until it reaches a point where the hornet is killed. In essence, the scout hornet is cooked by the jiggling, wriggling and wiggling of the bees. (Thank you National Geographic special for teaching me this.) If this doesn't qualify as useless information and it doesn't impress your friends, you are either an entomologist or your friends are not nearly nerdy enough.

When is Paris and Nicky coing to so Simple Life 3: How can I answer the question if I can't understand it? Is that even English? The worst part is I'm the first site to come up on this search.

Useless interesting information: Wait a second here, buddy. Useless? Sure. Information? Right. But I have never promised interesting. That would be false advertising.

http://thefount.blogspot.com: Oddly, this site is the first one to come up when you search for this in google.

Random stupid facts: Sure thing. I can handle that. The human head weighs eight pounds. Dogs and bees can smell fear. Cuba Gooding Jr. has an Oscar.

Coworker fashion: If you want to tell your coworkers what to wear, that's fine. Just don't look to me for advice, because, as my coworkers could tell you, I often look like I got dressed in the dark.

Useless mole information: A mole is 6.022 X 10²³ particles (atoms, molecules, etc.). Moles are darker than the surrounding skin because of a higher concentration of melanin. Moles can really mess up your lawn, and appear often on the television show 24.

Gaiman Albuquerque visit: No, I'm sorry. Neil didn't get to go with us on our trip out west. I didn't even think to invite him. Do you think he would have accepted?

Odd useless random rude facts: I wish I could help you there. Unfortunately, I make a concerted effort not to ever be rude on this site, so you won't find anything of that nature here. What? Stop laughing. I meant it. Stop it now!

Until later...

It Is November 10th, Right?

Last night I was in the car on my way to go get a haircut, when I noticed something odd. Just a couple of blocks from our house I noticed a house that seemed quite festive. As I got closer, I saw that they house was completely outlined in hanging "icicle" lights, a tree in the front lawn had been fully decorated and they had an enormous inflatable snowglobe next to the house. I have nothing against Christmas decorations, but it might have been a bit much...if it were December. I actually looked at the date display on my watch to confirm that, yes, it was the 10th of November.

How can you have your Christmas decorations up already? If I had decorated for Halloween, I wouldn't even have those decorations taken down yet. I can understand that stores have Christmas products available earlier, but decorating the house at this point just seems excessive.

On a related note, one of the local radio stations has started playing Christmas music. I don't mean a song hear or there. We're talking about from now until the first of the year, there will be nothing but Christmas music on this station. This means two things: 1. You will hear the same songs over and over on that station. Believe me, there is a limit to how many times one can listen to the Chipmunks singing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth." (And that limit is pretty low.) 2. Even with a high rate of repeats, there is not enough to fill two months with nothing but decent Christmas songs, so they will play some horrible versions of traditional songs and some very obscure non-traditional ones. My personal favorites include the song in which a woman asks Santa to get rid of all the bombs (oddly, Santa wasn't nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize that year) and of course, "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." (Yes, it's real, and it's spectacular. Listen and learn here.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go decorate my house for Valentines Day.

Until later...

The peer pressure to add yourself to the map will continue until further notice.

Feeling Lost

The following post will be about the television show Lost. If you did not watch last night's episode (Abandoned) and do not want to know anything about what happened, you should stop reading now.


I mean it. Don't look.


So, last night was the super gigantic "someone's gonna die" episode. I had read many times in many places who it was, but it still sucked that it was true. I happened to like Shannon. She was one of the characters who had changed for the better throughout the course of the show. When we first met her, she was doing nothing but lounge around demanding that her step-brother wait on her hand and foot. We watched her exert her independence by having using other people to do her bidding. She rapidly became one of the most readily hateable characters on the show. As season 1 progressed, we began to see more strength come out in her. When Sayid asked for help, she was reluctant but pushed on. The more it became evident that someone was willing to put faith in her, the more she showed she was willing to do. Eventually, Boone died and she lost her last tie to her life off the island as well as her last tie to her former dependence. She became stronger and eventually showed her strength by admitting to Sayid in the season finale that she needed help.

Last night, we saw through her flashbacks how exactly she became the manipulative person we saw when she first arrived on the island and in Boone's flashbacks. After her father died (because Jack ignored people's pleas for him to stop working on Sarah and help the man who was about to die), Shannon's stepmother cut her off from all of her father's money. When she asked for help getting started so that she could take a prestigious internship in New York, her stepmother still refused, telling her that she couldn't do it, that she would only quit again. She went to Boone for help, but quickly realized that he had no faith in her either. The only way was for her to come up with a plan to make money herself. How better than by manipulating the people who refused to believe her? The Shannon we first met was damaged, weak and vindictive. The Shannon we had by the end of this episode was stronger and reaching out to Sayid for someone to believe in her. She needed him and she needed him to believe that she had seen Walt.

Unfortunately, it was too late because as she ran through the jungle after the creepy wet backward-talking Walt, she came into direct contact with the tail section survivors and Ana Lucia. Spooked, Ana Lucia fired and killed her. The raftaways, tail section and main survivors are all now reunited, but judging by the look of pure hatred in Sayid's eyes, Ana Lucia has made a serious enemy.

A few more brief notes:

-Everyone seems to like the character of Mr. Eko. I think he's been great so far, but I'm a little worried since we know nothing of his background. He may turn out to be a completely horrible person, but we are being led to like him before they reveal it.

-I truly wish Ana Lucia was the character to die. Michelle Rodriguez can't act, and her character is by far the most annoying one on the show. That said, she has a flashback episode in two weeks and the writers may pull off the reverse of what I just suggested for Eko. Perhaps we will be able to understand her better and not want her kidnapped or killed by the others. Then again, maybe she needs to watch out for bamboo under the fingernails; just ask Sawyer about that.

-My biggest issue with Shannon dying (other than that I had grown to like her) is that it really was not much of a risk. She didn't have a central role. Yes, she was one of the main 14, but it would have been a much greater impact if someone like Jack died.

-I'm very interested to see what happens when they show the history of the tail section survivors next week. They went Lord of the Flies much more rapidly than the first group. With Ana Lucia running the show, it's as if this is what would have happened to the front section group if they had allowed Sawyer to be in charge.

It's going to be long week.


Until later...

The Bacon Dilemma

Two nights ago, it was BLT time for dinner (apologies to the following groups if they happen to be reading: vegetarians, anti-pig folks and my doctor). MK was preparing the bacon while I got other things ready. Open the fridge, take out the bread, you know...the strenuous stuff.

After removing some bacon from the pan, she poured the grease into a can so that it could harden somewhere other than the skillet before disposal. To make sure I didn't do anything stupid with the can (pick it up, knock it over, kick it), she decided to inform me of what she was doing. "Hey," she said, "just so you know, I've got a fat can right here."

You see, this is where we reach the dilemma. I had a wonderful opportunity to pretend to be spontaneously witty and make myself laugh. We all know I rarely pass up a chance to do that. On the other hand, there are some things you don't joke about, and the size of a woman's posterior is one of them. It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, the joke is off limits. Even if she did just say, "I have a fat can." Unless of course, you enjoy the feeling of hot bacon grease on your face.

Fortunately for me, after about 10 seconds of my pained indecision, she realized what she had said and started laughing. I took this as a good sign and laughed at the situation too. We both had a good laugh, and I didn't have to make the decision after all.

I never did make that joke though. I didn't want to press my luck.

Until later...

Trivial Tuesday

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is showing on the Game Show Network. The first contestant to win a million dollars on the US version was John Carpenter (not the director) who didn't use a life line until the final question, when he called his father to tell him that he was about to win. What US president was the answer to that final question?

Post the answer in the comments section and brag to your friends.

Update: Congrats to Esther for providing the correct answer of Richard Nixon. She earns bonus points for giving the question as well. The bragging rights are all yours.

Sorry for the slow update.

Until later...

Round The Old Oak Tree

It seems that just about everything has a ribbon now. I've seen them for almost every cause from supporting troop to breast cancer to AIDS awareness to jock itch. The giant magnetic ribbons that you put on your car are simply everywhere now.

I was at the grocery store a couple days ago and saw a truck parked a few places away from me with a ribbon that wasn't quite like any other I had seen. As I walked past on my way into the store, I found myself wishing I had brought my camera because the ribbon the side of the truck said, "I Like Ribbons." I laughed and figured that was an amusing one time occurrence of finding someone else who is getting sick of this fad.

Then a link to this site was emailed to me today. A place where I can create my own ribbon magnet! How brilliant is that? I'm having much more fun than I should making my very own. Soon you'll see me driving around town with ribbons all over my car like this one or this one. Ok fine, maybe I'm not really buying them and maybe I still think they are tacky and won't put any on my car, but I can only hope that the open mocking of the magnet ribbons is indicating the coming end of this hideous fad.

Until later...

I Hate To Let Down My Readers

I checked my email earlier this evening, only to find the following comment waiting in my inbox:

"michaelsean said...

I was hoping you has watched Category 7 and included your sagely wisdom upon it. Alas."

After the wonder that was Locusts (the inspiration for a running diary and the source of a great many hits), I began contemplating a running diary of Category 7 as soon as I saw the first commercial. In fact, it was the subject of great debate in my house since we returned home from vacation. I was tired, had no desire to watch it and didn't feel like I had the energy to write about it. MK, on the other hand, felt it was a once in a lifetime (or maybe six-month time frame) chance. The first hurdle was schedule; fortunately, it didn't conflict with the Simpsons. I could handle missing most shows for this, but not the Treehouse of Horror. I began thinking about it more and pretty much became convinced that it was a good idea until I read the synopsis on TV Guide. It had four words that changed everything: "Part one of two." It was one thing to suffer through it while not feeling too inspired, but I just couldn't commit to doing it two weeks (and I certainly couldn't stop halfway through). So the final decision was made to skip Category 7 and hope no one would notice.

So, Michael Sean (and anyone else who hoped for a skewering of really bad TV movies), sorry for letting you down. If it makes you feel any better, as soon as I told MK about the comment, she said, "See, I told you that you needed to blog about it." Now, I've not only let my readers down, I have to admit she was right, and I'm not sure which is worse.

Until later...

Don't forget to add yourself to the map.

On The Subject of Jarhead

I haven't seen the movie Jarhead yet. I'm pretty much indifferent about whether or not I actually see it. However, I did think I should share a conversation we had when the trailer came on TV the other day.

[Television is on and the trailer for Jarhead begins]

MK: It looks like they did a good job with that.

CK: Really? Yeah, I suppose it might be interesting.

MK: Well, they at least did a good job of making Jake Gyllenhaal look like a man for this movie.

Mark it down, people. I let someone else have a punch line in a post. It doesn't happen too often.

Seriously, I don't get the idea of Jake as an action hero in any movie. They keep trying, but I don't buy it (please insert your own Brokeback Mountain joke here). He looks like he should still be asking his big sister's boyfriend to buy him cigarettes. To make him a convincing soldier would be a pretty impressive feat (a convincing movie soldier, that is. I'm aware real soldiers don't always look like the hero in a movie. I don't want realism. I want movie realism.)

Also, when the tagline, "Welcome to the suck," comes up, am I the only one that half expects it to be written as "teh suck"? It's as if some leet-spewing prepubescent boy who just fragged his best friend in Doom 3 for the first time wrote the tagline for them. "U R teh suck!!!!1!1!! W00T!!"

Am I rambling? I'm out of practice with this blogging thing. I think I should have shut up after the conversation about the trailer. Too late now. Changing it would involve effort, and I'm lazy.

Until later...

Go on, put yourself on the map.

A Narcissist And A Thief

I'm stealing this from James, the Malibu librarian of Books Beaches and Blather fame, and I'm not ashamed. Not at all.

Check out the Fount of Useless Information Readers Map and put yourself on it. You can add a photo (or not). You can give me a shout out (or not). Whether you usually comment or don't, go ahead and put yourself on the map. You know you want to.

Until later...

Home Again, Home Again

After a very long, very unpleasant day of traveling yesterday, we arrived home just as the clock in our house stuck midnight.

On our way down to the Albuquerque airport, we stopped for breakfast at the Tecolote Cafe in Santa Fe. They have an absolutely wonderful breakfast burrito, smothered in green chile. Now I understand why MK's dad says they stop there for breakfast anytime they have to go to Albuquerque. Plus, I got this shirt there.



Yep, I'm still a dork.

A few more thoughts on the trip home:

It really makes me upset that airlines will make a mistake, but not try to make it up to you. Instead, they will make you fly standby. If we had wanted to fly standby, our tickets would not have been purchased months in advance. Somehow, the airlines wonder why they are all on the verge of going bankrupt. Let me give you a hint...It's because we all hate you. If there were any better way to get from point A to point B, most people would take it, because there are so many problems with the industry right now. That's as much as I am going to rant about this now, but it may come up again.

Something needs to be done about parking at O'Hare. I'm honestly surprised that the signs telling you the prices for long-term parking do not say "Pound of Flesh" or "First Born Child." I was upset about this to begin with, but then saw that there were multiple lots around the airport in Albuquerque advertising prices under $2.00 a day for stays of 7 or more days. I realize that I comparing things that aren't really equivalent, but I'm annoyed...let me gripe. When we made it back to Chicago last night, I actually had to give them all the cash I had plus two pints of blood to get my car out of the lot.

On the ticket for parking at O'Hare, it stated that a lost ticket would be charged at full rate of a 24 hour stay. Remind me again why I didn't "accidentally" lose it while on this trip. Oh yeah, because that's not who I am. Honesty can be expensive.

The worst part about the long day of travel is that once we made it back to Chicago, we still had about three hours of driving to go. I probably would not have bothered to get up until very late today, if at all, except that we needed to go pick up Booker from the dog resort where he spent his vacation. Apparently, the beast is glad to be home too.


Until later...

Last Two Pictures...At Least For Now

Sorry for turning this into a photoblog recently. Now that I'm home (read more here), I'll try to think up something witty to say.

For now, you'll have to be satisfied with a couple more photos. Unlike almost all of the others, which were taken by MK, these are mine.

Sky Through Aspens taken on Pajarito Mountain

Flower in The Desert taken on the trail to Windows in The Earth at Rancho de San Juan.

Until later...

White Sands

Some pictures of our visit to White Sands National Monument during our trip to New Mexico.






Unfortunately, we had didn't have a sled, so we couldn't go sliding down the dunes. That's actually a lot of fun and nowhere near as cold as sledding in the snow.

I'm Average

From the Weblog Review: "In the end, I really wanted to like this site. Useless is sort of my specialty, throwing practical knowledge out the door and preferring things that won't get you anywhere. However, after going through the site, I have no choice but to label it average."

Read more.

The Pumpkin Glow

On Saturday night we went to a pumpkin glow here in Los Alamos. Members of the community carved pumpkins for the display, and people lined up for several blocks to view them.

In addition to the carved pumpkins, there was also a pumpkin on display that weighed over 470 pounds.

This picture turned out pretty blurry, but I really like it anyway.


More pumpkins.

Ooh, spooky.


Dragonfly.

Until later...

My Homies Mark and Will in Santa Fe

I figured I'd post a few pics from our trip down to Santa Fe to show you all what has been going on. So, here are my good pals Mark and Will hanging out by one of the many art galleries in Santa Fe.



Until later...

Loretto Chapel

On Saturday, while in Santa Fe, we stopped to see the Loretto Chapel. The chapel is the first Gothic building west of the Mississippi as well as the site of a legendary spiral staircase, lacking central support. According to the story, the chapel was built without a staircase to the choir loft. When the nuns realized that they needed the staircase (rather than a ladder), they began to pray for help. On the ninth day, a stranger came and offered to build a staircase for them. He built a spiral staircase with no other support and with no railing (it was added about 10 years later). After completing the staircase, the mysterious carpenter left without even asking for payment. (See more here.)

Though I may be a bit skeptical about the miraculous origins of the staircase, it is impressive nonetheless. While the stairs are the main attraction of the chapel, the entire chapel is actually quite beautiful and is worth seeing if you ever get the chance.


Until later...

By Popular Demand

To appease those clamoring for a bit of entertainment, I shall regale you with stories of my current adventures. I am currently in New Mexico, exploring the countryside and searching for evidence of La Llorona. Below are excerpts from the ghost hunting diary I have been keeping.

Day 1. We searched along the Rio Grande for the Weeping Woman, with little success. Perhaps if I expanded the search to areas other than restaurants offering green chile, there might be more to find.

Day 2. Still no sign of La Llorona. Perhaps she has finally found her children and found rest. We passed an area where cattle graze and found a cow laying on the ground, exsanguinated. Nearby, we found this creature, who took off shortly after we obtained the picture. Could it be El Chupacabras? That is not the purpose of this expedition, so we shall leave it for another to explore.

Day 3. My companions are growing weary of the search. We ended up speaking crossly, and I told them that if they wanted to turn back, I would go on my own.

Day 4. I awoke today to find that I am alone. My companions must have left during the night. Strangely, they did not take any of their belongings.

Day 6. I have not slept in two days. Something has spent each night wailing outside of my camp. Is it La Llorona? Why does she torment me so? I only wished to tell her story to the world.

Day 7. Today, she rolled a large rock down one of the cliffs toward me. I was able to get out of the way fast enough to save my life, but not to save my equipment. All of my gear has been destroyed, except for this laptop and the mysterious wireless internet connection that enables me to keep posting my journal.

Day 10. I have no food and no water. My clothing has been reduced to rags. I found my former companions yesterday, but they were not able to continue on with me. I do not think they will not be going anywhere again.

Day 11. I seems that I have not found La Llorona. I finally got a look at the apparition that has been chasing me. It is the hideous beast I mistook for El Chupacabras before, and the only noise it makes is a horrifying scream that prickles the skin on the back or your neck. I do not know who or what he is, but he does not want me here.

Day 13. This will certainly be the last entry; I can run no longer. If anyone finds this, please tell my story.

That sounds much more interesting than just saying that I am in New Mexico visiting my in-laws, doesn't it? I'll try to post some pictures of what's actually going on once I have a bit more time.

Until later...