You Guys Got Any Milk?

With the Lost season premiere tonight, I'm thinking it would be a great idea for someone to have a Lost-themed dinner (for someone else, not me--I'm too lazy). The problem is figuring out the menu. The first course should almost certainly be a fruit salad including guava, passion fruit and plantains. After that, I can see a few different options for the main course. For example:

The John Locke Orange marinated wild boar roasted over an open flame.

The Benjamin Linus Honey-glazed ham served with Dharma macaroni and cheese and unhealthy obsession.

Edgar Halliwax's Special #15 Two identical portions of rabbit with a vanilla-infused sauce ('cause it's an orchid).

The Jack Shephard Vodka and orange juice with vicodin and tears on the side.

Of course, any of these dinners should be served with fish biscuits and an Apollo bar for dessert.

What Lies In The Shadow Of The Statue

I have less time than I'd like to write this and I have not had nearly enough time to digest what happened, so this Lost finale post will probably be fairly short.

By the way, this would be a good time for those of you who haven't seen the finale or who really just don't care about Lost to wander off and find something else to read.

As I said, this will not be a review nor will it be comprehensive. It's mostly going to be thoughts I had that I wanted to get out as well as some questions and almost certainly incorrect theories.

-I've never been a huge fan of the love triangle or love triangle plus Juliet part of the show. Juliet and Sawyer together after those three years in the DI worked better than any of the other attempted couplings of this group of four, so it disappointed me to see how Sawyer looked at Kate.

-I'm not one of those people who claims they'll stop watching if a character dies, but Hurley and Sayid are two of the characters who I would hate to have the show be without, so I hope Sayid pulls through somehow.

-I'm so used to Ben lying that I thought he was lying when he said that he didn't know Locke would come back to life and that he'd never seen the island do anything like that.

-This was the first time since at least the second season maybe even the first season that I had not heard (intentionally or inadvertently) what happens in the finale. I like it better this way, but at the same time theories take longer to form.

One of the big topics of discussion is what happened with the bomb and whether it really did what it was supposed to do. I don't think it did, and (if you'll forgive me for quoting myself from a comment I left elsewhere) I'm with Miles that what they did was cause the incident. Whatever happened, happened. See also: Chang staying, but sending his wife and child, just like before. Chang loses an arm, just like before. Daniel's mother shoots him, just like she knew she would have to when she sent him back. All of these things were already going to happen, and they happened in the events leading up to dropping the bomb down the hole. They are causing the events that are in the past, not changing them. Jack always threw the bomb down into "the pocket" and caused the incident and Sayid always shot 12 year old Ben, the events happened in the past, but they didn't remember because it was their future. You basically have two options with time travel (ok, more if you start creating new realities, but what does this look like, Star Trek?), you can change nothing important or you can have issues with the Grandfather Paradox (simply stated, you cannot go back in time to kill your own grandfather because then you would never have been alive to kill him). Allowing the 815ers to change anything that brought them to the island creates a paradox: The bomb keeps them from coming to the island, but if they never came to the island they couldn't have set off the bomb, and if they didn't set off the bomb they would come to the island and set off the bomb, preventing them from ever crashing on the island. This goes on in an endless loop. The only way to have a change of this nature work would be to have someone who exists outside of time (or has a paradox-correcting time code) be the one to reset things. Someone special. Someone like Desmond. Craphole Island's not through with him yet.

Now, about the whole NotLocke thing...Early in the episode, we see Jacob and some other guy (he needs a name, so I'm calling him Esau...He's got a nice rivalry going with Jacob and it's better than calling him that guy who isn't really Locke.) watching the Black Rock approach the island, and we find out that he wants to find a loophole to kill Jacob. As we saw toward the end, that loophole was to become Locke, who is dead and take the position of the leader of the Others. So, was Locke ever truly special? I think so. He always had a connection with the island and it healed him. In addition, we saw Jacob speak to him just after he was thrown from the building by his father. (For the sake of my theory, I'm going to assume that whenever we saw Jacob off the island, we really did see Jacob.) This connection made Locke the choice as leader of the Others and meant that when Esau pretended to be Locke, he could get access to Jacob. (Tangent: It's interesting to see that he was able to be Locke, because this makes me wonder if perhaps the other dead people we have seen might also have been him: Christian, who sent Locke off the island and told him he'd have to die, Alex, who told Ben to do whatever Locke--who wasn't Locke anymore-- said, anyone else who was dead and gave advice that lead to Ben killing Jacob. Ok, tangent over.) With Jacob and Esau, I couldn't help thinking back to the theme of duality that has run through the entire show. Black and White. Good and Evil. Locke is a playing piece in that centuries-long game of backgammon. Just before Esau-Locke takes Ben to meet Jacob, the new group from Ajira 316 reaches Richard and asks him what lies in the shadow of the statue. He knows the answer, so they show him what's in the box, and rather than Gwyneth Paltrow's head, it's the corpse of John Locke. With Jacob stabbed and apparently dying, I can't help thinking about what lies in the shadow of the statue. "Ile qui nos omnes servabit"He who will save us all." And who is lying there right now is John Locke. Could this mean that we will soon see a Jacob version of Locke and an Esau version of Locke? I don't know, but at this point nothing seems to be out of the question.

I'm Not Dead and Other Bits of Useless Information

Since you aren't all privy to all of the email, IM or other conversations I've had with some, but not all, of you, I figure I should post an update answering some of these questions.

Q: Yo, you dead?
A: No, despite my eating habits, I am still alive. The inactivity on this site is not the result of my departure from this life, but thank you for your concern.

Q: Have you given up your blog completely?
A: Are you kidding? I just forked over ten bucks to keep this snazzy URL. That would be like spending money on Netflix and never watching or returning your DVDs...You know what; let's move on.

Q: Are you going to post again?
A: What do you think you're reading now? Ok, maybe I shouldn't berate the few readers I have left. Will I post other things again? Yes. Will I post on a regular basis? Well, don't hold your breath for the 3-5 days a week stuff anymore.

Q: You haven't posted 3-5 days a week in a couple years, if ever.
A: That's not a question. Now shut up.

Q: Why aren't you posting anything?
A: Multiple reasons. First, I've had this blog for over 4 years now. I've only got so much to say, and there's only so much I am willing to discuss in a place like this that is quasi-anonymous and not remotely private. Second, my job has been getting more demanding as time goes on, and recently, I changed positions (sort of) making things even more demanding. This all means that I don't have much in the way of mental capacity to think of things to say. Rest assured, when I think of something to post about, you'll see it...assuming I have time to write and can write coherently.

Q: So, anything exciting going on in your life?
A: Not really, no. Unless you want to discuss lot release and need by dates, I'm a boring conversationalist.

Q: Have you at least seen any good movies recently?
A: Actually, yes. We went to see Coraline last weekend. If you haven't seen it, please do. It's great.

Q: What about TV?
A: The usual. Lost, BSG, Good Eats, etc. I did give up on Heroes part way through the first half of this season. It was so bad that I've cancelled the TiVo season pass for it. It could suddenly turn into the best show ever, and I'd never know. We did get an HD TiVo for ourselves for Christmas and have discovered that the ability to watch movies and old TV shows instantly using Netflix and TiVo is a great thing. We've watched lots of Alfred Hitchcock Presents that way.

Q: Read any good books?
A: Yes, I have. I have a soft spot for fantasy and I started reading Brandon Sanderson after hearing that he was going to be finishing The Wheel of Time. I've read Elantris and all three of the Mistborn books and recommend that fantasy lovers do the same. Now, in preparation for this fall's (scheduled) release of the last WoT novel, I'm rereading all of the Wheel of Time books. Of course, that's around 9000-10000 pages (or around 3 million words) of the same author, so we'll see how that goes.

Q: Some of these don't really sound like questions people have asked you.
A: Again, please put your submission in the form of a question.

Q: People didn't really ask you all this stuff, did they?
A: No, it was mostly the things about if I had quit or if I was ever posting again. It did give me a chance to have a conversation with myself and give updates on several things, though.

There you have it. You're now all up to date with my life. If you actually read this far, you have my thanks and my apologies. As a reward, feel free to throw out a topic for discussion. I'll probably ignore it, but you never know; you just might end up with a long-winded diatribe on it. I may be busy, but I'm still opinionated and wordy.

Said The Joker to The Thief

Warning: If you aren't all caught up on your BSG watching, you may want to skip this post until you are.

Battlestar Galactica is starting up again this Friday, and we know who 4 of the final five Cylons are (and have for nearly two years now). It seems that the suspense over the final Cylon has been built up to the point where no matter how well it's done, it will be considered a let down. That said, I figure why not add a thought of my own^* on the subject.

If we know who eleven of the twelve are, but we also know that Tigh and a 6 are going to have a baby, do we perhaps know who the last model is? After all, unless things work out very differently when a mommy Cylon and a daddy Cylon love each other very much, the child should be completely Cylon, but different than either parent. Of course, this is just a thought and far from being any actually answer. I honestly don't have any clue what's going to actually happen. Really, I think most of us have already had how we thought the show would end pulled right out from under us, so predictions seem kind of futile.

I guess we'll find out soon.

^*Another thought that I did find interesting but that is not originally my own: Forget asking "Who is Number One?" or even "Who does Number 2 work for?", we should be more concerned with the identity of number 7. We know who 1, 2 3, 4, 5, 6 and 8 are, but supposedly there are no model numbers for Tigh, Anders, Tyrol and Tory. If they don't have numbers, why did the original seven skip the number 7 and have the Sharons as number 8? Ok, I'm not convinced that this means anything other than that the writers decided not to have model numbers for the final five until after they assigned the first seven, but it could mean something. And if nothing else, it gave me a way to work in references to The Prisoner and Austin Powers.

The Heat Will Be On

I just found out that Fine Living Network is showing episodes of the original Iron Chef.  How did I not know this? I'd had the TiVo search for it before, but at the time all it found was Iron Chef America. Mock all you want (and I know you will), but I've missed this show: the music, Ohta, the absurd incredibly expensive secret ingredients, Fukui-san,  and my favorite Iron Chef, Chen. It's kind of silly, but just hearing that familiar whoosh sound they play when going to or coming back from commercial made me happy. I have a feeling the TiVo will soon be full of these episodes.

Life on Mars (the TV show, not the search for)

I never got to see the British version of the show Life on Mars, but I've watched a few episodes of the US remake. I'm not exactly committed, but I do enjoy it when I watch. I understand that this is a show with a mystery that they don't intend to fully explain for a while, but there are some things I don't get. We can be expected to believe that a guy was in 2008 and somehow was sent back in time to 1973, but do they really expect us to believe that when this cop was on his way to try to rescue his kidnapped girlfriend (in 2008, before being sent back), he was listening to David Bowie on his iPod?

Remember, Remember, The 4th of November

That sounds kind of familiar...almost like I've used it something like  364 365 days ago. (Edited to correct for leap year.) Oh well.

Just wanted to remind everyone that today is the 4th of November. As you know, today is a very important day, a day where you make a choice that has potential to change the future. You can choose hope and try to gain back what was stolen away from us several years ago, or you can choose to continue on in the same rut we've been in.

I'm speaking, of course, about the release of Bender's Game, the third of four Futurama movies. The show has been cancelled for several years, but the releases of the first two DVD movies have been extremely successful. If this success continues, 20th Century Fox may decide that there is still money to be made, and if there is still money to be made, then there is a possibility that the show may return again either in more movies or in a new season. When you purchase Bender's Game, you aren't just buying a movie; you're buying the future. 

Today, you get to choose: Hope of a better future for all animated television or just more of the same failed jokes of the current administration?

Obligatory disclaimer that states the obvious: I don't really need a disclaimer, right? We're all aware of the concept of satire, aren't we? Good.

Doctor, Doctor

It seems that the Tenth Doctor has indeed given us the news. David Tennant has confirmed that he will remain the titular character on Doctor Who for the specials in 2009, but will not be back in 2010. I realize that three seasons, plus a few specials is pretty much a standard duration for an actor in the role (at least for any after Tom Baker), but I can't help wishing that Tennant would stay on a little longer. No matter who fills the role next, it will be hard to match his ability to alternate between the child who is filled with wonder at the simplest of things and weary traveller who has witnessed the death of everything he loves.

Now of course, comes the speculation. Who will be the next Doctor? What's going to happen?There have been all sorts of suggestions, and I really can't say that I know if any of them would be good or bad. In my opinion, however, if you're looking for a new Doctor, I feel like you can't go wrong with Andre Young. (Too obvious? Should I have said Dwight Gooden?)

All Right. It's Saturday Night, I Have No Date, A Two Liter Of Shasta And My All-Rush Mixtape. Let's Rock.

On tonight's episode of Chuck, the key to beating Missile Command (and saving the world) is listening to and playing along with "Tom Sawyer" by Rush. A reference to Fry vs. the invaders (possibly from space) or just coincidence caused by the fact that Tom Sawyer is a rocking song for when one is playing video games?

Hate Myself for Watching You?

I'm beginning to feel a bit like Joan Jett on Monday nights¹. Is anyone else out there still watching Heroes (addendum: Ok, I know Danielle and Marni are watching--unless they've given up recently--but anyone else)? I just don't know what to think any more. Do I really want to spend time watching this when all I'm really going to do is pick it apart as soon as it's over? I just can't help feeling that they have forgotten to have anyone proofread their scripts. Just a quick rundown of some of the things that have gone wrong:

-We're on potential/alternate future number 5 or so now. Whenever the writers are in need of a new threat, they just send someone back from the future to tell us all about the danger that is coming. With all the different versions of Peter and Hiro (as well as other characters) we've encountered, the show is rapidly approaching pre-Crisis DC comics level².

-Mohinder and Peter seem to operate simply by doing the first thing that comes to mind, no matter how stupid (or at least they seem to be the two biggest offenders). For example, Peter determines that his brother revealing his abilities causes dystopian future B and he must use his time travel abilities to prevent this. Rather than going back to any point prior to the revelation and rationalizing with Nathan, he goes to the press conference where the secret is revealed and shoots his brother. I realize that sometime characters do things because they need to for the plot to progress, but the writers seem to be taking it to extremes. I think Mohinder tends to be the more annoying of the two, because while Peter is projecting his spittle everywhere with his screaming, Mohinder shows up for long winded speeches. 

-Dead people don't stay dead. Whether they died on screen or before the start of the show, dead people keep popping back up.

-Mohinder's scientist dialogue seems to have been written via Mad-Lib. It's as if there were blanks in his lines that just said (science noun) or (science verb). It's one thing if the science is silly and unrealistic³, that's to be expected in a not even remotely based on fact sci-fi show. The words they put in Mohinder's mouth don't even go together and when they do, they contradict things that he (or everyone else) said in previous episodes.

-As if having Ali Later on her 4th character/personality isn't bad enough, the explanation she was recently given doesn't even help. She was one of three superpowered identical triplets, Niki, Tracy and Barbara. What about Jessica? She wasn't just an alternate personality (like Gina), she was Niki's twin who was killed by their abusive father. Was she the fourth triplet or just an adopted sibling who looked an awful lot like her? Her entire plotline makes my head hurt.

-Nathan had a wife right? The one who was in a wheelchair but then was healed by Linderman? Where'd she go? And shouldn't she be upset that her husband is sleeping with every version of Ali Larter that walks by?

-We've only had two true villains who have had any development (unless you want to count people working for the Company, but we really don't know where they fall on the sliding scale of evil-doers yet). One of these villains has been seen in the future living a peaceful life and making waffles for his kid⁴. The other (ignoring for now that he was a Japanese legend despite being British) is motivated by the fact that someone thought he was dead and stole his girlfriend...400 years ago. Is this Pearl Harbor? At least Ben Affleck didn't hold a grudge that long and even when he was angry he didn't think it reason enough to try to destroy the world.

-My favorite scene in recent episodes was Noah Bennet telling the Hatian (you know, the guy who makes everyone else's powers useless) that he was keeping Sylar around only to find his weakness and then he'd kill him. At this point, Sylar was standing in a cell, trapped with a man who negated all his powers and an armed man who wanted him dead. Yeah, can't find his weakness. Did no one question this when it was written? (Which is not to say that I wanted him to kill Sylar. At this point, he is one of the few interesting characters.)

-Now it seems that not only do the writers not seem to be paying attention, but they clearly are not talking to each other. We have writers saying that Sylar lost all his powers from season 1 and had to start again from scratch, followed shortly by him demonstrating multiple powers that he had learned in season 1. Then we had Mohinder doing a scene-by-scene re-enactment of The Fly, which the writers said was intentional. Shortly after this, another writer complained that just because it was similar doesn't mean it was taken from The Fly and that there was no intent to replicate it. If the writers can't even agree on things, it's no wonder that the show seems to be a mess.

So, why am I still watching, you ask? Well, I'm asking myself the same thing. There are two competing reasons I keep coming back. First, I know that there is potential there. I want this show to get better and to use the ideas to build the show to what it should be. the second reason is that I'm waiting to see what idiotic thing they do next. The problem is that with each passing week I'm moving away from the former reason and more toward the latter. Either way, I can't get myself to just give up and stop watching.

¹ Actually, Ennis del Mar would probably be more accurate, but that quote has beaten to death don't you think?

² For those of you who don't know. DC comics had so many alternate worlds and alternate versions of characters that in 1985, they had Crisis on Infinite Earths which destroyed many alternate worlds and made things as least a little less confusing.

³ Fringe, I'm looking at you.

⁴ Which was pretty out of left field and didn't make much sense, even if it was kind of fun.

In The Shiny Little Surrey With The Fringe On The Top

First of all, this post has nothing to do with horse-drawn carriages or Oklahoma!, so those of you who ended up here because you are Amish or into musical theater can feel free to leave whenever you want.

A couple of times today, the subject of the new J.J. Abrams show, Fringe, has come up. I did watch it, but I hadn't really thought about it much today as I spent the entire day searching for and compiling information at the request of an auditor from the land down under. It turns out that despite my best efforts there is not a single question he can ask in that situation which can be appropriately answered by smiling and handing him a Vegemite sandwich. At least, not with any sort of professionalism. Anyway, after hearing a few other opinions and getting some questions about my thoughts on Fringe, I figured I'd give it a quick review.

First, of all. Yes, I did like it, but I think it was obvious that it was still a pilot and many of the things that grow over time in a TV show were not there yet.

I know, I know. It's just an X-Files rip off, right? I've said it, too. However, looking at this a little more objectively, the similarities to the X-Files begin and end with federal agents investigating things that involve the paranormal. Even there we don't know enough about what they will be investigating to determine how similar that is. (Besides, how does a broadly similar premise to a show that ended years ago mean that a show doesn't have a reason to exist or have creative worth. Following this logic, there should be no police shows after the first one ever made, no political dramas, and certainly no sitcoms that revolve around a family. That is so played out.) The lead characters of Olivia Dunham and Peter Bishop are clearly not Mulder and Scully. Neither is really a believer, and neither is really a skeptic. They just get drawn into the situation and have to go with the flow. Dunham does immediately concede to things that she probably shouldn't. I know the last time someone told me to strip to my underwear, take LSD and shove probes into the base of my skull, it took a little convincing. She does it not out of belief, but out of desperation. Sure, she should think to herself, "Hey, this is a stupid idea. Why would I listen to a guy who was in a mental institution for almost two decades, anyway?" She doesn't, because she is grasping at straws to save someones life and because, let's face it, it helps to move the show. The best way to look at it is as a cop show, but one with a lot of sci-fi. Without the burden of being compared to a phenomenon like the X-Files, the show fares much better.

Fringe was over-the-top and unrealistic, and I think this is why I liked it. It didn't try to make you think that everything was part of our reality. It was part of their reality. People don't have their skin crystallize and turn transparent. People don't plug into the brains of comatose or recently dead people and have a chat, and believe me unused lab equipment certainly does not go unclaimed for 15 years. 15 days would be kind of a stretch. It's not about suspension of disbelief in the sense of Jack Bauer being able to accomplish everything in 24 hours, when it would take him that long to drive across LA. It's about being pulled into a brand new world. It's sci-fi, but almost to the point of being fantasy. It's about becoming involved in the world that the writers have built for us, where two scientists who shared a lab travelled down divergent paths. One caused the death of a colleague in an experiment and ended up in an institution. The other started a corporation that does anything and everything (and is essentially this show's Hanso Foundation), but may also be doing much more than they claim. The conflict between these two sides of the same coin has promise for further development in the future.

The biggest fault so far was the two leads, who really where just there to help push pieces into place during this first episode. I hope that they are developed more as the show goes on (which is typical for a show like this). Some of the supporting actors/characters were much more interesting: Specifically, Walter Bishop, the formerly institutionalized professor, who was somehow functional in the lab despite being completely nuts. 

To sum up: It was fun and a good set up for the future. I just hope that it lives up to what it can be.

Lost 5.01 "Because You Left" Countdown

I'm not sure if this countdown makes things better or worse, but it looks cool. Perhaps when we get close to time it will start beeping and the numbers will be replaced with hieroglyphics.

"New Direction" Earns Two Thumbs Down

Ok, Siskel has been gone since 1999, and Ebert hasn't been on the show for a couple of years due to health reasons, but the final demise of the show they created is very sad. I may not always agree with Roger Ebert's reviews. There have even been times when I wondered if he was insane based on his opinions, but there is no doubt that he, like Gene Siskel was, is a man who loves the movies*. That is what made the show great in its heyday. These were two guys who loved movies talking about the movies. In the pre-internet days, they were the superfans out there going to early screenings and telling you what they thought. They were the ones telling you that "yes, these are the good movies showing near you, but here is something you may not have heard about." The millions of film sites on the web today (for better or for worse) wouldn't be the same without the influence of this program. They were critics, yes, but they were also fans who loved what they were doing and just wanted to talk about it. That's why Sneak Previews/At the Movies worked.

Ebert recently wrote a great piece about the show, which covered it from conception to now. I highly recommend it, and I sincerely hope that even if it ends up with a new name in a new place, that the show and the thumbs will return once again.



*This has little to do with the article, but I just wanted to mention it anyway. Roger Ebert and I share an alma mater, and every year he returns to Champaign and puts on a film festival with what he considers to be "overlooked" movies. I always talk about going, but something always gets in the way (time, money, not caring about the movie selections for that year).

That's Famous Titles

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we went to Chicago recently. While we did visit family and eat at good restaurants, the reason for this visit (at least, the reason for going at this particular time) was because I was making a fool of myself trying to get on Jeopardy. Yeah, that's right, I still am holding on to that delusion.

I had mentioned previously that I had taken the online test and didn't figure it was good enough to go any further in the process. It wasn't, but after 12 months have passed, you can take the test again. I did, and this time either I did better than I realized or everyone else taking the test just sucked. (I prefer to assume the former.) I got an email back asking for me to come to an audition in person. I, of course, very quickly cleared my schedule (of nothing) and confirmed that I would be attending.


When I arrived for the audition, there were approximately twenty of us waiting for the earlier session to end. After completing our paperwork, and having our pictures taken (I did not want to have that picture taken, and yet if I got my way, I'd end up on TV...that really doesn't make sense, but I suppose I rarely do.), we went into the main room where we were introduced to the people who would be running the session. All of them were incredibly friendly and made us feel very comfortable. They briefly took us through some of the types of clues we should expect and gave us a chance to show that we knew how to answer them. Unlike when you were in school and getting someone to answer a question was next to impossible, the clue would not even be complete and an entire room full of Martin Princes were raising there hands saying, "Pick me teacher. I'm ever so smart!" Once we had this down, it was time for another test. We had all done well enough on the online test, but to narrow us down even further, there were 50 more questions and only 8 seconds to answer each one. After finishing the test, we went up in groups of three to play a very brief version of the actual game. After a few clues, they asked us questions about ourselves to see how we handled them and to see if we were so boring that people would fall asleep or change the channel if we make it to the show.

So, how did I do? Well, I think I did ok on the test and while playing, but let's face it if you're here reading this, you are pretty well aware that I'm a fairly boring individual and I don't have much I can say about myself that would be worth talking about on TV (which brings up a question: if you're aware of how boring I am, why are you still reading this?). Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how I feel I did because I don't get to make the decisions. At the moment, I know nothing and get to wait for 18 months to find out if I did well enough to be on the show or if I should just try the test again. I guess in the end it turns out that auditioning for Jeopardy is a lot like dating: There's a lot of waiting for the phone to ring, a lot of hoping that someone else thinks you are good enough, it's going to include a little humiliation and it's probably going to end in disappointment.

We'll Get Wild, Wild, Wild

This is a conversation I like to imagine happening around 1983 or so between the members of the band Quiet Riot.

Band Member: All right guys, this new single is gonna cement our place in rock history.

Rest of band: Yeah!

Band Member: Cum on Feel the Noize is going to be a song people rock to for a long time to come!

Rest of Band: Yeah!

Band Member: And in another 25 years, it will be used to advertise french fries!

Rest of Band: Yeah--Wha??

That's Infotainment!

I've learned a lot of things from watching infomercials over the years. They all rely on a simple marketing trick in which one takes a supposed situation which is a minor inconvenience at worst and presents it as a problem desperate for a solution. The original situation is shown along with the horrific consequences, then the new and glorious solution is shown with evidence that all consequences are gone. With that in mind, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. For years, Melissa and I have been discussing our great "As Seen on TV" idea and just how we would plan the infomercial.

Picture it: Sicily, 19...Wait. Sorry, I was reading from the wrong script.† Ok, let's try again.

Voiceover Guy: Has this ever happened to you? You settle in with your favorite drink and some Cheetos٭ in your chair in front of the TV. It's just you, your snacks and the game. You reach in, grab a handful of Cheetos and begin shoving them into your cavernous maw.

*We see our decidedly below-average Joe doing just that*

A few handfuls later, you wonder what's going on in the game on the other channel. You grab the remote, flip channels and, as you set it down, realize: Oh no! Everything is covered in Cheeto dust!

*Shot of remote with orange fingerprints.*

Frustrated, you look down at your hand and realize that what was once your hand is now encased in a Cheeto Glove.

*Shot of hand covered in more orange-colored, cheese-flavored coating than an entire bag of Cheetos could contain. *

Now your troubles are over thanks to this revolutionary new invention. No more reaching into the bag, only to come out with a disgusting mess.

*Clip of a woman reaching into a bag. She pulls her hand out, and it is covered in colored flavor dust from the bag. Close in on her face as she looks down at her hand, frowns and shakes her head in disgust.*

With our new patented SnackTongs!™ you get the all the flavor with none of the mess.

*Clip continues as the woman uses SnackTongs!™ to reach into the bag, pull out a single Cheeto and eat it. A face shot again as she looks at her clean hand, smiles and gives the camera a big "yes" head nod.*

That's right, your days of messy snacking are over. The revolutionary SnackTongs!™ can be yours for only 3 easy payments of $9.99‡. No more worries while eating Cheetos,

*Shot of a bag of Cheetos with a big red X over it.*

Doritos,

*Shot of a bag of Doritos with a big red X over it.*

Powdered Donuts,

*Shot of a bag of powdered donuts with a big red X over it.*

Mustard Flavored Pretzel Snacks,

*Shot of a bag of mustard flavored pretzels with a big red X over it.*

and so many other delicious snacks.

*Shot of all of the bags.*

Call or log on now and we'll double your order! That's 2 sets of SnackTongs!™, a $700.00 value, for only three easy payments of $9.99‡.

*Insert section with "inventor" discussing the importance of SnackTongs!™ and eating various fingerfoods with them in front of "studio audience."*

And if you call in the next 15 minutes, we'll knock off one of your payments! That's right. We're giving you two sets of the amazing SnackTongs!™ , worth over $800.00, for two, that's just two, low, low payments of $9.99‡. Don't miss out. Operators are standing by.

†Sorry. Those of you wanting to read my Golden Girls fanfic script will just have to wait for another time.

٭I realize that if we were to actually make this infomercial, we couldn't use Cheetos. We'd use a non-branded cheese flavored corn snack. If we tried to use Cheetos, Frito-Lay would sick Chester on us so fast we wouldn't know what hit us. Except that we would, because it was really fast, and therefore likely a cheetah.

‡Plus $349.99 Shipping and Handling. Offer not valid in Texas, Nebraska, Hawaii, Alaska, Iowa, New York, New Jersey, California, Rhode Island, Illinois, Michigan, Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, or outside of United States. Sorry Canadians, but you have to eat your mauve-colored Ketchup chips with your hands.

Next Food Network Star s4ep1

Did anyone else watch The Next Food Network Star last night? I'm not at all surprised by the first person to get kicked off. She had the weakest background and (surprisingly, considering her background) she completely froze every time she was asked to speak. She's not the one I wanted to talk about, however. The woman named Lisa was so bad that by the end of the episode, we were making estimates about how long it would be before someone actually comes out and says that they hate her and whether it will actually happen before she is off the show. If she doesn't change the way she acts, neither of those will take very long. Now, maybe this is not her true personality (and I hope it's not), but rather just her on-air personality which needs to be seriously readjusted. The problem is that, as we saw her last night, she represents everything I dislike about the culinary world^*. She talked down to hosts, judges and other contestants and certainly seemed to think that she was doing everyone a favor by being in the competition. I was really surprised that anyone could start off on the show being that pretentious, arrogant and abrasive. I guess we'll see what happens as the season progresses. There seem to be some people with potential this season, but we really won't start to see who stands out for a few more weeks.

Also, how weird is it that not only is there a contestant that is 19 years old, but he was a cast member on the Nickelodeon show All That?

^*Yeah, file that one under "posts I'm eventually going to write...No, really. I am."

That's Dark, Jack. Very Dark.

I really don't have the time to discuss last night's Lost finale in the way it deserves. Instead, I'll just give you a few of my highlights...

(Clearly, you don't want to read this if you haven't seen it and are avoiding spoilers.)

- Miles ended up being a fairly under used character because of the strike shortened season, but he has delivered some great lines both in terms of amusement and in terms of show mythology. Last night's "what do I mean?" was both.

- Finding out that there is more to Charlotte than an obnoxious freighter person who criticizes everyone.

- Michael's redemption arc coming to an end with him sacrificing his life to try to give everyone just a few more moments to get away.

- YJK's performance as Sun both as hysterical grieving wife and revenge plotting business woman.

- Locke coming into his own as Ben's successor. Ben's dismissal of him, ending with "You'll find your way, John. You always do." Was perfect for Locke, the man who wants to be a leader, but has always been desperate for the approval and guidance of any male authority figure to realize that he doesn't need it. Unfortunately, I think the power and importance of this scene (and Ben's realization that he is leaving and not coming back) might have been overshadowed by other things later in the episode.

- The island's disappearing act.

- Hurley calling Jack out on the fact that there is no way he could possibly explain what happened other than Locke moving the island. "Unless we overlooked it..."

- The look of resignation on Jack's face when he realized that Hurley had him and that Locke was right all along. That was probably the moment where Jack began to move toward the path that would lead him to Hoffs/Drawlar in Through the Looking Glass.

- "If you mean time-travelling bunnies, yes."

- The look on Locke's face when he sees Ben doing exactly what Halliwax is telling him never to do.

- Ben's revenge for Alex.

- "So?"

- Sawyer's sacrifice and eventual return to the island.

- "Checkmate, Mr. Eko."

- Desmond and Penny reuniting. As soon as the captions said "shouting in Portuguese," I sat up a little straighter hoping that these were the Portuguese guys from Penny's listening station in the finale of Season 2.

- Christian Shephard really just won't stay dead, will he?

- Sawyer calling Frank "Kenny Rogers."

- For the second year in a row they have taken and idea which, on paper, sounds like it might be horrible and made it work perfectly. (Wait, so they are going to turn a giant wheel covered in ice and make the island disappear?)

- "Bad things happened...and it was all my fault."

- The set up for season 5.

- So much more.

and of course, the questions...

- Where/when did the island go?

- If Ben can't ever go back after moving the island, why does he seem to think he's going back?

- How did Locke get off the island?

- Why is Locke off the island? Was it just to try to get the O6 to come back?

- Who is involved in "all of you have to go back"? The whole O6? Desmond? Frank? Walt?

- Is Sun really wanting to help Widmore? I have to admit to watching that scene hoping she was a double agent (for lack of a better term) and that the second person she blames is Widmore.

- Did Jin die or is he going to make it back to the island?

- What did Miles mean about Charlotte spending so much time trying to get back?

- Did Charlotte just imply that she was born on Craphole Island? How is this possible?

- Did Dan et al get transported to the same place as the island?

and finally

- What happened to Locke?

And now it's back into Lost hibernation for a few months really long time until it's time for the new season. (It does appear that there is a new ARG starting, but I just can't get into those because they take so much time for so little payoff.)

How about you? Highlights and/or questions?

Namaste and good luck.

Bob Barker Is Rolling Over In His (Proverbial) Grave

I've mentioned in the past that I often watch The Price is Right when I go home for lunch. It is entertaining, often amusing and occasionally gives me something to babble on about. Today, however, something happened that was so shocking that I needed to post about it. I'm still not even sure that it wasn't all some sort of weird dream. Normally, the models stand around holding or pointing at prizes while waving and smiling as much as the Botox allows. Today, during the first Showcase, three models were sitting around a table pretending to have a discussion about the former guys in their lives when it happened. . . The models spoke. One by one, they shared a "story" that led into a reveal of the next prize. I couldn't believe it. I was fairly sure that there were rules against this sort of thing, but apparently not.

Did anyone else see this, and were you as surprised as I was?

Apologies to Melissa for stealing and slightly altering her statement to use as the title for this post.

LOL-actica?

Just a brief post to get you ready for tomorrow night at 10:00 P.M.

Sometimes when you mix two different types of nerdyness you come up with unexpected (and seemingly contradictory) results.