A Song Not Likely to Make the Christmas Compilation CD

Since we all know just how much I amuse myself (as evidenced here), here is another horrifying attempt at rewriting lyrics to music which was never intended to have anything to do with Christmas or any other holiday. (For anyone not familiar with the song Dragula by Rob Zombie, the video can be seen here.) As always, apologies to the original artist and anyone with taste.^*

Red, I am the Claus, checking my list twice

I know who's naughty, and who has been nice

Red, I wear the suit, and the beard of white

I bring children toys, on one magic night

[Chorus]

Toys for the good ones

And coal by met-ric tons

I load in the back of my

Reindeer Sleigh

(Repeat Chorus)

Red, I drive the sleigh, Rudolph leads the way

Reindeer that can fly, only elves know why

Red, I have the sack, slung across my back

Chimneys I descend, you can't comprehend

(Chorus 2X)

Red, I bring the joy, but elves make the toys

Labor costs stay low, stockings overflow

Red, I always see, you can't hide from me 

Some think I'm a creep, watching while you sleep

(Chorus: repeat ad infinitum)

^*I feel like someone has done this parody before, but I couldn't find it despite lots of googling. So, if I'm being unoriginal, it's definitely not intentional.

LA Face with the North Pole Booty?

With incredible apologies to Sir Mix-a-lot and pretty much anyone who reads this, I give you this year's holiday poetry:


I want new toys and I cannot lie,
You other kiddies can't deny,
That when Claus walks in with his big ol' jiggly waist,
And that white beard on his face,
You act good,
Wanna be all nice,
Cause you know he checks that list twice,
Mixed in with toys he's carryin',
Is coal but I'm just not carin',
Hey Santa, I wanna sit with ya,
And take our picture,
My mommy tried to warn me,
That those toys you've got,
(Are for good boys only,)
No Cabbage Patch Kids,
But a Wii to play with my friends,
Well check me, check me, the nice list is where you'd expect me,

So gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme lots of toys,
Santa's Toy Sack

A Fount of Useless Information Holiday Special:

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore...actually with apologies to anyone who has ever written any poetry, I give you:

A Visit From Booker Claus

Twas a few days after Thanksgiving, and in my neighborhood
Not a scrap was uneaten; at least nothing good.

The new Christmas tree sat over there, in the corner
The sparkling white lights waiting to adorn her.

MK in her hoodie, and I feeling fat
Sat down to watch Simpsons. Or something like that.

Into the room pranced the world's strangest sight
I laughed and guffawed. I roared with delight.

There in front of the tree, sitting straight up
Was a big-eared black dog, barely a pup.

On his head sat a hat, round his neck was a cape
My jaw then did slacken. My mouth was agape.

"Quick take a picture" I exclaimed with great relish.
"I'll use it on my blog. It's lately been dullish."

I couldn't believe the sight that I'd seen.
A visit from Booker Claus is so super-keen.

Laying a paw across his long snout
He scratched at an itch and then barged right out.

And I heard him exclaim as he stormed off to bed,
"I've had enough. Get this hat off my head."

"I am the dog and you are the human
Even though you're as fat as the postman named Newman."

"I'm a proud canine hunter. I shall not be shamed
In your holiday pictures, so festively framed."

"I do not wear hats, have a beard or wear boots
I don't answer to Santa and I don't wear red suits."

"Stop dressing me up. I'm a dog not a doll
The next person to clothe me, I promise, I'll maul."

"You're the one who wears clothing from your head to your feet
Now stop this absurdity and give me a treat."

Happy beginning of the holiday season.