The Way Back Machine: You Have Died of Dysentery

I was playing The Oregon Trail recently on [device redacted]¹, and, as I was informed that one of my children had contracted cholera, I was reminded of playing the game in a school computer lab when I was younger. Specifically, I was reminded of the problems that arise when people playing the game don't understand what the game is trying to tell them.²

[scrippet]
INT. COMPUTER LAB - DAY

CRAIG and FRIEND are sitting in front of what appears to be the world's oldest COMPUTER, playing Oregon Trail.

COMPUTER
George has cholera.

CRAIG
Great, we're already behind schedule and don't have money to spare for medicine.

FRIEND
It's not that bad. I had it once.

Craig turns from the computer to look at his friend.

CRAIG
What?

FRIEND
Cholera. I had it. It's really no big deal.

Craig stares blankly, trying to find some way to respond. He BLINKS slowly.

CRAIG
No.

FRIEND
Yep. I did.

Craig sighs.

CRAIG
(Resigned)
Ok.

FRIEND
My mom told me. I had it when I was a baby. I was crying all the time.

CRAIG
That's colic, not cholera.

FRIEND
Oh. Well, what's cholera then?

CRAIG
(Turning back to the computer)
We're just going to keep going. If he dies, he dies.
[/scrippet]

¹Not putting the name of it here, so that I'm not the guy who talks about this device non-stop, despite the fact that many of you have already heard me talking about this device non-stop.

²This conversation section is written in a scrippet. Yes, I did that just because I can. No, I cannot claim any responsibility for it; scrippets are the brainchild of John August. If isn't working for you, try viewing in Chrome, Safari or FF. For more info on them, check out scrippets.org

Running for the Border

[Int. Car - Driving past a Taco Bell- Day]

M: A Volcano Taco

C: Yeah, I saw that and was wondering what that was, too.

M: It probably makes you erupt violently after you eat it.

C: So, it's just a regular Taco Bell taco?

Yeah, But You Are Aware That There's An Invention Called Television and on This Invention They Show Shows, Right?

I have no problem with people who do or don't watch TV. It's a personal choice and I can understand both view points. What I do not understand, however, is why people who do not watch television feel the need to announce it in the most condescending way possible. Take this exchange that happened at my work recently, during a meeting:

Person 1: Oh, I think I saw that on the news last night. Was that the same thing you were talking about?

Person 2: Well, I don't watch television, so I don't know.^*

Was "I don't know" or "I didn't see" not a good enough answer? Saying that served no purpose other than attempting to sound superior. In addition, answers like that almost always cause everyone else around them to start denying or trying to justify their own TV habits. Continuing the conversation above:

Person 1: Oh, yeah, I don't usually watch it either but it was on, and I happened to hear.

If the way you say things makes people feel like they need to really stretch the truth or make some sort of attempt to justify themselves, chances are no one really wants to continue conversing with you.

I don't understand why people do this. If someone tries to tell you a story about jogging, you don't brush them off by saying that you don't jog in a way the suggests that anyone who does may as well throw himself off a cliff, because he's pretty much useless anyway.

Look, if you don't watch TV, that's perfectly acceptable, and it's your option, but unless you're taking that time you would spend watching TV and using it to cure cancer or ensure that everyone in the world has both food and shelter, don't expect me to give you a medal for that choice. For that matter, curing the world of hunger, homelessness and cancer may grant you a pass on many things, but it doesn't allow you to be a pompous jerk.

^*I actually like person 2, but this exchange bothered me. . . and no, I was not person 1.

This Little Piggy Went to Market

After a while in a marriage you can pretty much tell what your spouse is thinking. I've discussed the importance of this kind of understanding previously, but the understanding that comes with years of living together was made evident again while we were watching television and had the following exchange.

Man on the Food Network: In fact, I've got a buddy who's actually in a Bacon of the Month Club, where they send him a different type of bacon each month.

Craig: *chuckles to himself*

Melissa: No. Don't even think about it.

Say, Say, Say

A few random and completely out of context things that have been said recently.


"We're just lucky we didn't crash. I'm going 65 miles per hour, and suddenly I've got a biscuit in my eye."

"White lion, snow leopard. Same thing."
"Believe me if it was singing When the Children Cry, we'd be videoing it."

"That's going on Youtube with the title, Not as Dramatic as You've Been Led to Believe."

"Remember my thoughts on people who wear their hair in a fauxhawk? I think it's even worse when you style your kid's hair into a fauxhawk."

"It wasn't bad, but I wouldn't buy it again...ever."

"This is either going to be the most disgusting thing ever, or it's going to be really good."

"No, no, I know you need to feed your root beer habit."

"That's quite the hodgepodge of flavors you've got going on."

"I don't know. Maybe they like licking hippies."

What We Have Here Is a Failure to Communicate

Let's try to move on to a slightly more amusing note than the last post...

Nothing is more important in a relationship than communication. You must know how to communicate with your partner in a way that he/she will understand. Allow me to illustrate with an example from my own life:

Melissa and I were at a store and had become separated. I wanted to find her as quickly as possible so that I could get out of the store and go home, so I picked up my phone and called her.

C: Where are you?

M: In the bathroom accessories area.

C: The what?

M: The bathroom accessories. You know. Shower curtains, towels, things like that.

C: (cluelessly) Oh...ok.

M: It's right across from the big flat screen TVs that you're always staring at.

C: Oh, I'll be right there.

Like Deja Vu All Over Again

It was time for an annual check up with the doctor once more, and while I don't typically rerun things I wrote in the past, I figured I might as well in this case. Since my appointment went just about the same as the one from a year ago. Here is a reprint of the transcript from my last visit to her office in September of 2005.

The following is a transcript of my discussion with the physician.

Doc: "So, how's it been going fatty?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Doc: "I said 'How's it going, fatty?' What's wrong? Is the fat clogging your ears too?"

Me: "No I-"

Doc: "Fine. Whatever. How are you doing on your medicines?"

Me: "Good. Everything's good. They work very well and..."

Doc: "Look at that!" Pokes stomach "What's going on here?"

Me: "What? I'm sorry. I know I've gained some weight, but can't you just ease up a little?"

Doc: "How about if you ease up on the Big Macs, tubby."

Me: "Look, I understand I need to lose weight. I just want to get my medicine refilled."

Doc: "Fine. Here's your prescription. Just get out of here. I want to see less of you around here, and I don't mean I want to see you less often."

Me: Runs out sobbing like a little girl.

Whither the Weatherman

As I checked my email and ate my waffle yesterday morning, I heard the sounds of the local news on the television behind me. When it came time for the weather report, I heard MK declare, "Ron. I've missed you."

I looked back over my shoulder with a more than slightly perplexed expression.

"What? He's been on vacation for like two weeks. You don't know what it's like without your weatherman."

Since I get my weather from websites or from simply looking out the window, I suppose she's right.

Until later...

Conversion

After hearing the seven thousandth news story recently about Tom Cruise, Scientology and the number of celebs that have joined the religion, we had the folowing conversation.

Me: You know, I keep hearing about this. I think I've decided to convert to Scientology.

MK: Sure. Go right ahead.

Me: Really, think about all the benefits. You get to hang out with the celebrities. It helps you if you want to be in the entertainment industry.

MK: I have a feeling your parents would freak out. (Whose wouldn't?)

Me: Well, sure. But that's 'cause they're glib.

And with that the dead horse was officially beaten.

Bit O' Conversation

Heard this weekend at our house:

"What? So they just misplaced Grandma?"

Misplacing relatives is bad...especially when they are in an urn.

On Steel Chairs and Bad Haircuts

We heard an ad on the radio recently for a live WWE wrestling event coming to our town. Never one to let things go without comment, I suggested that we go, leading to this conversation.

"Can we go to that?"

"Umm. No."

"Come on, it'll be fun."

"No, I don't think it would be."

"We could wear mullet wigs."

"Sure and I can wear a white tank top and some low-riding pants that don't fit me."

"See, that's what I'm saying. It'll be great."

"And we can black out some of your teeth."

"Sure I'll be like that guy we saw on AFV the other day. The one that pulled his last tooth with his bow and arrow."

This Is The Most Blatant Case of False Advertising Since My Case Against The Movie The Neverending Story

A new pizza restaurant opened up in our town recently. I have not yet visited this restaurant, but I have heard several people talk about it. The restaurant offers an all you can eat pizza buffet for $3.99. Unfortunately, the word from the people I have spoken to is that it isn't even worth the four bucks. We drove past it a few days ago and noticed that the parking lot was practically overflowing, leading to the following exchange.

MK: Look at that. Their parking lot is really full for a place that we've heard is just awful.
CK: Sure, but it's all you can eat pizza for four dollars. People love paying a little and getting a lot of food.
MK: I know, but if it's not good who cares if it's four dollars?
CK: Think about it. All you can eat pizza. Four dollars. Sadly, I've heard that it's not worth it even if it's free, but I have to admit, I've been tempted to go. I mean, come on. Pizza. Four bucks. All you can eat. (Drools)

It was at approximately this point that she took away my debit card and driving privileges. At least until the court order that keeps me 500 feet from the buffet kicks in. Something about being a danger to one's self or some legal mumbo jumbo like that.

Until later...

A Madness To Our Method

Not too long ago, we bought a new dishwashing soap. The soap was Method Cucumber Melon. We found it in the store and smelled to determine if we liked it. The smell was pleasant, so we decided to give it a try. Sadly things didn't end quite as well as they begin. A few comments to take you through the progression of a new scent wearing out its welcome.

"I like this new soap. I could do dishes all the time."

"You know, I like the soap, but after a while, it becomes almost overwhelming."

"I could tell you were washing dishes from the other side of the house. The stupid cucumber melon scent was permeating the entire house."

"My water tastes like Method. The cup must not have been rinsed well enough."

"I tried soaking the cup in hot water and rinsing it repeatedly to get rid of the Method, but I only succeeded in making it angry."

"That's it. I'm through with this soap and we're going to have to throw away everything plastic that ever came in contact with it."

"Ooh. Method has a grapefruit scent."

Until later...

The Way Back Machine: Beauty School Dropout

When I was kid, we had an enormous Buick as our family car. This was quite enjoyable on road trips, since as the last of three children, I was assigned the middle of the backseat. You know, the place where all the leg room is taken up by that pointless hump on the floor. Fortunately, I was still young and my legs didn't require quite as much room as they do now.

One of the great features of the Buick was its 8-Track player. On those stretches of road in West Texas where there were few towns and fewer radio stations, we could remained entertained by listening to music like Stardust by Willie Nelson, the soundtrack from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Grease soundtrack. I was still young and there were plenty of things in the movie and soundtrack of Grease that were beyond my comprehension at the time. One of these involved the song "Beauty School Dropout." During the song, Frankie Avalon sings in one line that "no customer would go to her, unless she was a hooker." Even as a child, I needed to know and understand everything, which lead to the following exchange:

Me: Mom, what's a hooker?
Mom: Well, it's someone who...sells her body for money.
Me: (uncomprehending) Oh.
(pause)
Me: Anybody wanna buy a head?
All but me: (laughter)

I hope you enjoyed laughing at the childhood version of me. I know I did. Perhaps we'll do it again sometime.

Until later...

What Conversations Are Like at My House

The Set-up: The television is on, and we flip past Family Guy on the Cartoon Network. FG is parodying the Gene Wilder version of Willy Wonka. Peter Griffin has just found the last silver scroll entitling him to a tour of a brewery.

Man on TV: Run home, Peter. Run as fast as you can.

MK: Was that his name?

CK: What?

MK: In the movie, was that his name? Was he named Peter?

CK: In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

MK: Yeah.

CK: You're asking me if that was the name of the main character in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

MK: Ohhhhhhhh, riiiiiiight. Never mind.

Breaking News: Fount of Useless Information Makes Mistake, Admits It

I decided I'd share this story with you since I really needed to change subjects around here. I was beginning to run the risk of becoming a mommy blogger, only with dogs and a Y chromosome.

I was wrong about something yesterday. I know you may find this hard to believe, and you may find it even harder to believe that I'm admitting it, but it's true. I was wrong. Fortunately, I wasn't alone.

Let me set the scene for you. It wasn't time for Lost to start yet, so we were sitting around watching "I Love The 80's 3D" (but without 3D glasses so, it was really "I Love The 80's 2D", which differs from "I Love The 80's" and "I Love The 80's Strikes Back" in its use of stupid looking animations that would be 3D if I had the glasses, but instead just annoy me.), and the subject was Sally Field's Oscar acceptance speech for Place in The Heart. You know the one: "You like me. You really like me." While I was doing my thing and correcting the television and stating that she actually said "I can't deny that you like me...right now, you like me," up popped Dom DeLuise to give his take on the whole situation. (Dom DeLuise? Huh? Kinda random, isn't it?)

As almost the exact same words were coming out of my mouth, MK exclaimed, "Wait a minute. Isn't he dead?" "I certainly thought so," I replied. So, off to IMDB we went to find his biography. There we learned that no, he is decidely not dead. Which is fortunate, because I'm sure having a zombie offering commentary on pop culture would have caused problems once he started eating the brains of the other commentators. "Wow," MK said looking at the bio in bewilderment, "I would have bet money that he was dead if someone asked me to." I agreed and sat back to watch more, but struggled with the fact that I was wrong, actually wrong.

Anyway, it turns out it was all just a big misunderstanding. He's not actually dead. Just his career.

Until later...

By The Power of Grayskull!

You know how sometimes you say something and then realize that maybe, just maybe, you should have kept that thought internal? Yeah, neither do I. However, if anything like that did ever happen to me it probably would have gone something like this:

A group of us were sitting around in the snack bar at work during break recently. It was early in the morning, so people were drinking coffee and tea, eating typical breakfast fare. This, of course, means I was drinking a Diet Mountain Dew. As we sat there talking, the subject of peculiar middle names came up, and people tossed out their favorites. Eventually, a coworker said that she once knew a girl whose middle name was Sheera. This correct response was to nod, perhaps give an affirmative "hmm" sound and allow the conversation to move on to the next person with a name to share. Unfortunately, this is not at all how it went. She said "Sheera." My brain said "She-Ra." Then I said (aloud, mind you), "She-Ra! As in 'Princess of Power'?!?!?!" As I looked around the table, I realized that I had indeed said this and said it loudly. There were odd looks from everyone, until finally one person began to laugh. Please, as if they weren't fans of Masters of the Universe as kids, too.

Like I said, nothing like that ever really happens to me. I'm glad, too, because if it did happen, it might end up being pretty embarrassing.

Until later...

Call Me Winter...Winter...Winter...

I'll introduce this post with yet another one act play from my life. Eventually, I'll put all of these together into a very boring and uninteresting screenplay which is certain to win an Oscar.

Local Weather Man: Enjoy the 40's while they last, because there's snow coming later this week.

CK: Snow again? I don't want it to snow.

MK: (Makes noncommittal noise)

CK: Why does it have to snow?

MK: Um...because we live in Michigan.

Can't someone feel sorry for me. I know I live in Michigan and it's November, but I deserve a little sympathy. If nothing else, I deserve for someone to listen to me whining without pointing out the obvious. There's a reason no one ever sang a song about dreaming of a white Thanksgiving.

Oh well, at least the snow will cover up the lawn.

Until later...

The Bacon Dilemma

Two nights ago, it was BLT time for dinner (apologies to the following groups if they happen to be reading: vegetarians, anti-pig folks and my doctor). MK was preparing the bacon while I got other things ready. Open the fridge, take out the bread, you know...the strenuous stuff.

After removing some bacon from the pan, she poured the grease into a can so that it could harden somewhere other than the skillet before disposal. To make sure I didn't do anything stupid with the can (pick it up, knock it over, kick it), she decided to inform me of what she was doing. "Hey," she said, "just so you know, I've got a fat can right here."

You see, this is where we reach the dilemma. I had a wonderful opportunity to pretend to be spontaneously witty and make myself laugh. We all know I rarely pass up a chance to do that. On the other hand, there are some things you don't joke about, and the size of a woman's posterior is one of them. It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, the joke is off limits. Even if she did just say, "I have a fat can." Unless of course, you enjoy the feeling of hot bacon grease on your face.

Fortunately for me, after about 10 seconds of my pained indecision, she realized what she had said and started laughing. I took this as a good sign and laughed at the situation too. We both had a good laugh, and I didn't have to make the decision after all.

I never did make that joke though. I didn't want to press my luck.

Until later...

On The Subject of Jarhead

I haven't seen the movie Jarhead yet. I'm pretty much indifferent about whether or not I actually see it. However, I did think I should share a conversation we had when the trailer came on TV the other day.

[Television is on and the trailer for Jarhead begins]

MK: It looks like they did a good job with that.

CK: Really? Yeah, I suppose it might be interesting.

MK: Well, they at least did a good job of making Jake Gyllenhaal look like a man for this movie.

Mark it down, people. I let someone else have a punch line in a post. It doesn't happen too often.

Seriously, I don't get the idea of Jake as an action hero in any movie. They keep trying, but I don't buy it (please insert your own Brokeback Mountain joke here). He looks like he should still be asking his big sister's boyfriend to buy him cigarettes. To make him a convincing soldier would be a pretty impressive feat (a convincing movie soldier, that is. I'm aware real soldiers don't always look like the hero in a movie. I don't want realism. I want movie realism.)

Also, when the tagline, "Welcome to the suck," comes up, am I the only one that half expects it to be written as "teh suck"? It's as if some leet-spewing prepubescent boy who just fragged his best friend in Doom 3 for the first time wrote the tagline for them. "U R teh suck!!!!1!1!! W00T!!"

Am I rambling? I'm out of practice with this blogging thing. I think I should have shut up after the conversation about the trailer. Too late now. Changing it would involve effort, and I'm lazy.

Until later...

Go on, put yourself on the map.