Oh Look, Something Involving Science Is in the News and Craig Is on a Soapbox. Everyone Act Surprised.

I've debated on posting something about all of the swine flu panic and have restrained myself because I don't want to try to sound like I'm putting myself out there as an expert (mostly because I'm not even remotely qualified to be one). In a turn of events that is surprising to absolutely no one, I can't keep my thoughts to myself and have to at least give you a little bit of commentary. 

I went to the store yesterday after work, and as I walked down an aisle I saw this.

That's where the hand sanitizer should be, but there are only a few bottles left. Alcohol-based hand sanitizers are good and should be effective at eliminating influenza on your hands¹. So, I suppose it's understandable (though perhaps a bit sad) that people have reacted to stories of the potential spread of the flu by buying so much hand sanitizer that it's almost sold out. 

However, do you know what else does a good job of inactivating influenza? Soap. Yeah, just plain old hand soap. It doesn't have to be any special soap, just soap. With this in mind, it bothered me to see this right next to the almost completely empty sanitizer area.

Sanitizer is great for when you can't get to water, but the reality is that your best bet in avoiding illness is hand-washing. Seeing the Purell, Germ-X and every other brand of sanitizer sell out while hardly a dent was made in the stock of soap² seemed a sad, but perhaps fitting, metaphor for panic winning out over common sense.

¹It does work for influenza and for many bacteria, but there are still a lot of things from various bacteria to Norovirus that it doesn't do much for, so washing your hands is still more effective.

²I realize I may be oversimplifying the reasons behind the shelves being this way, but I'm trying to make a point.

I, For One, Welcome Our New Insect Overlords.

While people around the world are focused on whether or not the start up of the Large Hadron Collider is going to create a universe-consuming dragon¹, most have overlooked the more real threat to destroy mankind: Water bears

Water bears, also known as Tardigrades, are near-microscopic invertebrates (the largest are around 1.5 mm) that can be found just about everywhere. On their own, they don't really seem to be that scary. Look at this guy.

He's kind of cute, right? A little pudgy and looking pretty jovial. In all honesty, it resembles nothing so much as a clean-shaven, multi-limbed Dr. Phil. Throw a mustache on the thing, and you can almost picture him saying, "Now that is one skanky-lookin' coke whore." But don't let its looks deceive you. The problem is that water bears are extremely tough. They are found everywhere, because they can survive anywhere. They can handle high temperatures, low temperatures, both extremely high and low pressures and even being completely dried out. Now, scientists have sent some of them into space to test their ability to withstand exposure. It turns out that being in the vacuum of space and exposed to extreme temperatures didn't kill them. In fact, they were even exposed to "cosmic rays and deadly levels of solar ultraviolet radiation" and came through it just fine.

When will we learn, people? Have comic books and movies taught us nothing? Exposure to high levels of radiation makes organisms bigger, stronger, and greener (or possibly grey), or in some cases blue, naked, and unable to care about the problems of normal humans. Cosmic rays on the other hand have been associated with becoming elastic, turning to stone and self-immolation. These are only a few of the known symptoms, and who knows how bad it can get. 

To make sure you know how bad it could get, here is a brief outline of what we can expect as the Tardigrades grow in power and eventually overthrow the earth. 

Not so cute now, is he?

First, the exposure to radiation will seem to kill them, but, against all odds, they will come back and seem perfectly normal. (Wait, read that article again. This part already happened!) Then, with their moods seeming to swing violently from one extreme to another, they will begin to exhibit new abilities. These will be uncontrollable at first, but then the Tardigrades will learn to control their abilities, and with control comes greater power. A few will gain super-size, while others gain super-strength or the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes². Those few who gain super-intellect will rule the others and lead them in the rebellion to come. Within two years, the water bear army will wipe out most life on Earth, leaving only those who are found useful and can serve them.

They must be stopped, but right now we have no champion, no hero capable of stepping up to the fight. So, anyone want to volunteer to stand in front of the beam at the LHC? I hear you can get cool powers that way³. Ooh, you know what's a cool superhero name? The Dragon. 

¹As a fan of hyperbole, I think that quote about the dragon may be the best answer I have ever seen to questions of safety that are founded in fear of scientific advancement rather than knowledge of any actual danger.

²Do they even have eyes? Well, if not they'll shoot laser from other places. You don't wanna know.

³This, as with all science in this post, is satirical and is not meant to encourage dangerous or destructive behavior. The Fount of Useless Information is not responsible for any attempts to use this post in any manner other than its intended use. Please consult your nuclear physicist before exposure to any form of radiation. Superpowers are not real and actual results may include decreased fertility, radiation sickness and death. 

The End of The Odyssey

As I imagine most of you are probably already aware, Arthur C. Clarke passed away recently. Unlike many people whose exposure to Clarke was mostly through 2001: A Space Odyssey, my primary exposure was through the television series Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World and later Arthur C. Clarke's World of Strange Powers. These shows sparked an interest (or perhaps helped to kindle a just beginning interest) in understanding the world around me and realizing that there is a why behind every what. To this day, I still remember my father coming to find me to tell me that it was time for Mysterious World to start (this was in the pre-TiVo days...how did we live like that?) and then watching with him as they dealt with phenomena like ball lightning and cryptozoology.

You can agree or disagree with much of what Clarke has said, but there is no mistaking that he was an intelligent man who had a wonderful way with words. As such, I can see no better tribute than to present a few of my favorite insightful and amusing quotes.

"Every revolutionary idea — in science, politics, art, or whatever — seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases:
(1) 'It's completely impossible — don't waste my time'; (2) 'It's possible, but it's not worth doing'; (3) 'I said it was a good idea all along.'"

"Somewhere in me is a curiosity sensor. I want to know what's over the next hill. You know, people can live longer without food than without information. Without information, you'd go crazy."

What is often described as Clarke's First Law: "When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong."

"One cannot have superior science and inferior morals. The combination is unstable and self-destroying."

And probably my favorite, from the episode of Mysterious World dealing with the possibilities of as yet undiscovered ape men: "If anyone gave me 100 dollars to bet on it, I'd put 40 on the Yeti, 10 on Bigfoot and keep the 50 for myself."

Either a Useful Learning Tool or a Complete Misapplication of Chemistry and a Waste of Candy

For a lot longer than I should admit (several years), the idea of comparing enzyme kinetics to people eating candy from a community candy dish has been floating around in my head. It all started when I was in graduate school and I noticed that the Jolly Ranchers that had been brought in after Halloween seemed to be eaten in a certain order. I thought that it would be amusing to chart this over time (but was too lazy and not quite nerdy enough to do so). The more I thought about this the more I liked this idea and the more I realized that it works pretty well as a model for how enzymes work^*.


The basic requirements for an enzyme catalyzed reaction are that you have:

Substrate: Basically this is your starting material. In our case, Jolly Ranchers.

Enzyme: This is a biological catalyst, which helps to convert the substrate to product while remaining unchanged. In this case, our enzymes are people^**.

Product: This is the end material. In this case we'll call it the empty candy wrappers.


You start off with a high concentration of substrate (candy) and a steady concentration of enzymes (people). On occasion, an enzyme and and substrate will collide (i.e. someone walks past the candy dish) and if the substrate is appropriate, a reaction may occur (the person unwraps and eats the candy). As time goes on, different substrates (flavors) collide with the enzymes and some are found to bind and be metabolized better than others. By graphing the amount of substrate used over time (or in this example, the amount of candy still remaining over time) it is possible to look at the rate of consumption and determine which is the preferred substrate.


When I have paid attention to this in the past, what I have found looks something like this.




You can see that clearly Cherry is eaten the fastest, with Watermelon, Apple and Lemon right behind. Grape is typically not consumed at the same rate and the preferred substrates are used first. Why no one bothers to eat the last Lemon is beyond me. I guess everyone is trying to be polite, but enzymes aren't usually concerned with manners.

Another thing that can be learned is that if one were to repeat this experiment with the new "Original Flavors" of Jolly Ranchers which substitute Blue Raspberry for Lemon, the resulting curves would likely look like this.





This graph indicates that Blue Raspberry is not only not the preferred substance but goes essentially untouched by the enzymes.

Much like actual enzymes, it is possible to obtain mutants which may show increased or decreased preference for various substrates. A mutant^*** which uses Blue Raspberry as the preferred substrate is highly desirable because...well, that means more of the others for the rest of us.

^* A highly simplified model with huge flaws, it should be noted.

^** Technically, our enzymes don't meet the requirements because they are changed when they become fat from all the candy, but surely you don't expect perfection from a silly model like this.

^*** A mutant which prefers Blue Raspberry is pretty much a freak. Good luck finding one to eat all the nasty Jolly Ranchers while leaving all the good ones for you.

Sad News

The man who first taught a generation (or more) of children that science can be fun (especially when you blow stuff up) is gone. Don Herbert, better known as Mr. Wizard, passed away yesterday.

Through his television shows, he made science exciting and accessible to all sorts of children. His influence on pop culture was such that even the sitcom Dinosaurs had its own version of him.

Rest in peace, Mr. Wizard. You were a wonderful educator and entertainer.

Oh Yeah? Well, My Prefrontal Cortex Can Beat Up Your Prefrontal Cortex

I have started a new exercise regimen. For once, it's one that I actually enjoy and might even continue doing.

It all started a few months ago, when I got a couple of preloaded credit cards. These cards, however, could only be used at certain stores (which means they aren't really preloaded credit cards as much as store gift cards, and that happens to be a pretty lame move if you are a company giving these away, but that's a very different issue). After browsing through the list of stores and determining that the only participating store I cared about that was anywhere near me was Circuit City, I decided to get a Nintendo DS Lite. (This all took much longer than it seems here, since this also involved having to wait for there to ever be any DS Lites in stock, and there was a shortage that was not quite of Wii-like proportions, but not insignificant either.) For those of you not familiar with the DS or DS Lite, it is the newest Nintendo handheld gaming system, which utilizes two screens, one of which is touch sensitive. (It also has a microphone and is WiFi enabled, but that has nothing to do with this post; that's just more stuff I think is really cool about it.)

One of the game available for the Nintendo DS is "Brain Age," a game in which you perform various tasks (simple arithmetic, counting syllables, word memorization, reading aloud, Stroop tests, sudoku puzzles) all of which are designed to help increase your brain's ability to function quickly. The game first tests your brain's "age," a metric of how quickly you give correct answers in various exercises, and tells you how old your brain is with 20 being the best possible and 80 being the maximum age given. Once you have determined your brain age, you can perform the brain training programs to help improve your score in the future. You can retake the brain age test once a day or as rarely as you'd like to keep track of your overall progress. The more training programs you do, the more programs are unlocked for you to try them. The basic principle is that just like any muscle you must give your brain a workout to keep it in shape and to try to improve its performance (the theory here being that the brain exercise increases blood flow to the brain).

So, how do I think it works? I love it. If nothing else, doing the math training has made me less reliant on calculators. I'm working on skills I had let go long before. Is it really improving my brain function? I don't know that for sure, but it at least makes me feel like my brain isn't going to be the 98 lb 0.98 kg weakling getting sand kicked in its face.

Fall Forward, Spring Back

I've always loathed the idea of Daylight Saving Time. I loathe it more than ever now that we have decided to change the start and end times with the (incredibly faulty and horribly illogical^*) claim that it will conserve energy.

One of the best things I've ever heard about Daylight Saving Time was found at a webexhibits.org exhibit and was originally from a quote by Robertson Davies:

At the back of the Daylight Saving scheme I detect the bony, blue-fingered hand of Puritanism, eager to push people into bed earlier, and get them up earlier, to make them healthy, wealthy and wise in spite of themselves.

I think of that quote every year when it's time to change the clocks, and it never ceases to amuse me.

^*Doubting that the claim is wrong? Check out this article where someone actually collected data on it. Oh, and yes, I know my title is backwards.

Makes Me Wonder How The Smell From A Grill Can Spark Up Nostalgia

Perhaps His Royal Highness, The Fresh Prince, was on to something when he indicated the link between olfactory sensations and memory back in his Grammy award winning 1991 song, Summertime. It's known that certain areas of the brain which receive signals when you smell something are also areas involved in memory. It's amazing to me that a smell can easily remind you of another place, another time. Even if the memory itself is no longer crisp, a smell can bring you back.

Recently, I got into our rental car and something about the smell of that car made me think about riding in my grandparents' car when I was a kid. I'm not sure what it was, but it started me thinking about how smells will mean different things to different people. They may recognize it as the same thing, but the memories associated with it are completely different.

For example: The smell of apples should mean Fall, and it does, but when I smell apples strongly I remember entering (what I think is) a store as a child. The store smelled of apples so strongly that it is automatically the first thing to come to mind. It was Fall and apparently near Halloween, because I remember a cackling witch that was there as part of the decorations. I remember essentially nothing else, but this is what I think of almost every time.

It's strange isn't it. You probably have similar things of your own. Even if you can't think of them now, they will come to you when those certain smells are there. We humans are very weird creatures.

I Don't Care How. I Want It Now.

In my never-ending quest to avoid doing anything, while at the same time finding cool and amusing objects, I have decided that from now on, I will not use a shovel or a snow blower to clean my driveway. I must own one of these.



There are only a couple of problems: 1. It's not available yet. 2. It's way too expensive.

I'd say that the third problem would be that Melissa wouldn't go for it, but, come on, it's a robot that eats snow from the pavement and leaves behind cubes of "snow poo". Could you say no to that? I don't think she can either, as long as I can get around those first two problems.

But When They're Only Halfway Up, They're Neither Up Nor Down

According to Discovery news, new tests have suggested that Francesco de' Medici, the Grand Duke of Tuscany, might have been murdered by arsenic poisoning back in 1587. Small pieces of 400 year-old liver were tested and revealed to contain high levels of arsenic, as well as a similar make up to convenience store beef jerky. Scientists have concluded that he could have been poisoned or it could just be that the embalming process used that much arsenic, which, to me at least, sounds like they didn't actually conclude anything. No word yet on whether or not any attempts will be made to prosecute the corpse of his brother Ferdinando, who has long been suspected of committing the (potential) crime.

In a related story, Discovery is also reporting that the Grand old Duke of York actually lied about his number of men, and in fact had only 8000 men to march up to the top of the hill and march down again.