I, For One, Welcome Our New Insect Overlords.

While people around the world are focused on whether or not the start up of the Large Hadron Collider is going to create a universe-consuming dragon¹, most have overlooked the more real threat to destroy mankind: Water bears

Water bears, also known as Tardigrades, are near-microscopic invertebrates (the largest are around 1.5 mm) that can be found just about everywhere. On their own, they don't really seem to be that scary. Look at this guy.

He's kind of cute, right? A little pudgy and looking pretty jovial. In all honesty, it resembles nothing so much as a clean-shaven, multi-limbed Dr. Phil. Throw a mustache on the thing, and you can almost picture him saying, "Now that is one skanky-lookin' coke whore." But don't let its looks deceive you. The problem is that water bears are extremely tough. They are found everywhere, because they can survive anywhere. They can handle high temperatures, low temperatures, both extremely high and low pressures and even being completely dried out. Now, scientists have sent some of them into space to test their ability to withstand exposure. It turns out that being in the vacuum of space and exposed to extreme temperatures didn't kill them. In fact, they were even exposed to "cosmic rays and deadly levels of solar ultraviolet radiation" and came through it just fine.

When will we learn, people? Have comic books and movies taught us nothing? Exposure to high levels of radiation makes organisms bigger, stronger, and greener (or possibly grey), or in some cases blue, naked, and unable to care about the problems of normal humans. Cosmic rays on the other hand have been associated with becoming elastic, turning to stone and self-immolation. These are only a few of the known symptoms, and who knows how bad it can get. 

To make sure you know how bad it could get, here is a brief outline of what we can expect as the Tardigrades grow in power and eventually overthrow the earth. 

Not so cute now, is he?

First, the exposure to radiation will seem to kill them, but, against all odds, they will come back and seem perfectly normal. (Wait, read that article again. This part already happened!) Then, with their moods seeming to swing violently from one extreme to another, they will begin to exhibit new abilities. These will be uncontrollable at first, but then the Tardigrades will learn to control their abilities, and with control comes greater power. A few will gain super-size, while others gain super-strength or the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes². Those few who gain super-intellect will rule the others and lead them in the rebellion to come. Within two years, the water bear army will wipe out most life on Earth, leaving only those who are found useful and can serve them.

They must be stopped, but right now we have no champion, no hero capable of stepping up to the fight. So, anyone want to volunteer to stand in front of the beam at the LHC? I hear you can get cool powers that way³. Ooh, you know what's a cool superhero name? The Dragon. 

¹As a fan of hyperbole, I think that quote about the dragon may be the best answer I have ever seen to questions of safety that are founded in fear of scientific advancement rather than knowledge of any actual danger.

²Do they even have eyes? Well, if not they'll shoot laser from other places. You don't wanna know.

³This, as with all science in this post, is satirical and is not meant to encourage dangerous or destructive behavior. The Fount of Useless Information is not responsible for any attempts to use this post in any manner other than its intended use. Please consult your nuclear physicist before exposure to any form of radiation. Superpowers are not real and actual results may include decreased fertility, radiation sickness and death.