A Song Not Likely to Make the Christmas Compilation CD

Since we all know just how much I amuse myself (as evidenced here), here is another horrifying attempt at rewriting lyrics to music which was never intended to have anything to do with Christmas or any other holiday. (For anyone not familiar with the song Dragula by Rob Zombie, the video can be seen here.) As always, apologies to the original artist and anyone with taste.^*

Red, I am the Claus, checking my list twice

I know who's naughty, and who has been nice

Red, I wear the suit, and the beard of white

I bring children toys, on one magic night

[Chorus]

Toys for the good ones

And coal by met-ric tons

I load in the back of my

Reindeer Sleigh

(Repeat Chorus)

Red, I drive the sleigh, Rudolph leads the way

Reindeer that can fly, only elves know why

Red, I have the sack, slung across my back

Chimneys I descend, you can't comprehend

(Chorus 2X)

Red, I bring the joy, but elves make the toys

Labor costs stay low, stockings overflow

Red, I always see, you can't hide from me 

Some think I'm a creep, watching while you sleep

(Chorus: repeat ad infinitum)

^*I feel like someone has done this parody before, but I couldn't find it despite lots of googling. So, if I'm being unoriginal, it's definitely not intentional.

It's Hard Out Here For A Geek

Sometimes being a geek impacts how you see the world. You can see the exact same thing as other people, but have a completely different experience. A few of the more recent examples:

Watching a trailer for the new Star Trek movie.

Normal person: "Star Trek? Another one? How many is that? Ooh, explosions."

Geek: "Wait a minute! Are those Romulans? How are they going to spend the entire movie not letting any of the Federation people see them? No one knew what they looked like until "Balance of Terror" and that's supposed to be decades later. You can't make a prequel and completely ignore the canon of the series." 

Seeing a trailer for Watchmen

Normal person: "How many comic book movies can they make? What's with that blue guy, and is he not wearing any pants?"

Geek: "I'm glad they kept the 1985 with Nixon still as president setting for this. They better not screw it up though. I know the ending is kind of weird and might be hard to translate to film, but if they mess that up they might as well not have bothered making it. They always mess things up. It's no wonder Alan Moore won't even take their money or let them use his name any more. That reminds me, I need to go online and see if opening day tickets are on sale yet."

Seeing an ad for Mortal Kombat vs. D.C. Universe

Normal person: "A new game. I want it." or possibly "A new game? It's going to corrupt my babies. Now let's go watch 24."

Geek: "How can we play this game with Superman involved? Is there kryptonite in the game? No? Then I pick Superman. Therefore, the battle is already over. The winner? Me! Ha ha ha! Rematch? You lose again! Had enough? I thought so!"

Watching the trailer for The Day The Earth Stood Still

Normal person: "Keanu? Really? You must be kidding."

Geek: "Keanu? Really? You must be kidding."

Chex Mix-a-Lot

I made Chex Mix tonight which brought up a few thoughts.

I realized that if I were to ever become a vegetarian (a real one, not just one of those "it's not cute, so it's ok" ones.) something I wouldn't automatically think of that I would miss would be Worcestershire sauce. Sure there are substitutes, but if the fake bacon is anything to go on, it's no substitute.

Speaking of substitutes, I once accidentally used soy sauce while making chex mix. Wow, it was bad. You could have used that batch to kill slugs in the garden. It was the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt!

I was making what the box referred to as the "original" chex mix. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't this recipe once involve an oven? In addition, what exactly is standard in chex mix?  Over the years, there have been additions and subtractions so many times that I don't even know what should and shouldn't be there, but I'm pretty sure that bagel chips (which are listed in the recipe now) rye chips and those weird little breadstick things that come in the bagged chex mix are not canon.

In Which I Agree With The President-elect

I've already told you I won't discuss politics here, so really there's only one thing this could be about. For those of you who don't remember, Obama commented on the need for playoffs in college football just prior to and then again shortly after the election: "If you've got a bunch of teams who play throughout the season, and many of them have one loss or two losses, there's no clear decisive winner. We should be creating a playoff system...I don't know any serious fan of college football who has disagreed with me on this."

While I'm not sure that every fan of college football agrees, I certainly do. This year shows, once again, why the current system is not enough. Yes, we are guaranteed to have the top two teams play each other at the end of the season, which is far beyond where we were at the beginning of the 90's, but determining which two teams play is still problematic. Is there anyone who can reasonably argue for complete exclusion of Texas, Texas Tech or Oklahoma from title contention? The newest BCS ranking place Oklahoma above both of the other teams (including Texas, who beat them by ten points), meaning that it will require near-miraculous circumstances to allow either of the other Big XII schools into the title game. In addition, three teams from mid-major conferences (Utah, Boise State and Ball State) have gone or are looking to go undefeated, but none of them will make the title game and likely only Utah will get to play in one of the BCS bowls. Should these teams not have a shot? The only way to make sure everyone has a reasonable chance at winning the title is by having playoffs.  

How would I do it? I'm hardly breaking new ground here, since just about every fan has his or her own plan, but here are the rules I would use.

The playoff would be a 16-team, four-round playoff, just like the FCS  (or Division I-AA, if you prefer) uses. 

All teams must be a member of a conference. (Sorry Notre Dame, Army and Navy. Go join the Big 10, Big East and Big East, respectively.)

All conferences will institute a championship game.

Each school will play 11 games in the regular season (meaning 12 if they are in the conference championship).

The first 6 spots in the bracket will be filled by the winners of the current BCS conferences. This can be evaluated in the future, but at this point these conferences have proven that they deserve to be in the running every year, while the winner of a mid-major conference like C-USA may not.

The remaining 10 spots in the playoffs will be filled by the next 10 highest ranked teams. The BCS rankings as currently established could be used, but adding the Associated Press poll back into the formula would be beneficial. This system would assure that any mid-major team ranked within approximately the top 16 would be given a spot in the playoffs.

There is no reason to eliminate bowl games. Any team not advancing beyond the first round, including those with a winning record who did not make the playoffs, would be eligible for a bowl game. This will serve as a reward at the end of the season just as it does now. Optionally, larger bowl games such as Cotton, Rose, Sugar and Orange can be used as the late round playoff games.

Other ideas which would be helpful, but which would require further work include expansion to a 20-team playoff, as is planned for the FCS, and conference reconfiguration: There are 120 teams in the current FBS, a number perfectly suited to 10 conferences containing two six-team divisions. This would require some current conferences to contract, some to expand and one to be eliminated (sorry Sunbelt).

I know. I can already hear the same exact complaints that come up every time someone suggests a playoff. 

"It's already a playoff that starts in August. Every game counts and it wouldn't if you had playoffs." First, if you think that every game counts right now, just ask Texas about how much the Oklahoma game counts. Second, a limited playoff system would not mean that every other game doesn't count. You would only be playing 11 games prior to the playoffs and losing even one would dramatically impact where your team would land in the playoffs. Every game would still count, but your ability to make up for a mistake (the team's or the voters') would increase.

"I love the bowls and the tradition." Really? A big fan of the EagleBank Bowl are you? There is no reason to eliminate all the bowls if people still want them. There is no reason not to integrate them with the playoff, in fact I'm all for that. But even if bowls had to go away completely, the only thing you'd be trading is one game with a name for an unnamed game that has much more meaning. the argument for tradition in bowl games went out the window when I had to watch the OS/2 Fiesta Bowl. 

"These are student athletes, and a playoff would extend make them play too many games." I honestly don't know how to respond to that one other than to call it a complete lie. The playoff system I described requires an 11-game season (one less than the current season) followed by a conference championship game and a four-round playoff. That is a maximum of 16 games. While a few schools would play more games, most would play the same number or possibly one less. In addition, the FCS currently has a four round playoff after teams play schedules of up to twelve games. So, if playing 16 games is too much for these student athletes, why isn't it too many for the ones in lower divisions? Is their academic progress less important?

"It won't make enough money." Go talk to the people in charge of the NCAA basketball tournament and see if the playoff system there is making them any money. Does anyone really believe that you can get a company to sponsor a bowl game between the 4th ranked team from the WAC and the 7th ranked team from the Big 10, but you won't get any money from playing a series of games featuring the top 16 teams in the country? The issue isn't about whether it will make money. The issue is that the people making the decisions are predominately from BCS conferences and they are afraid that a playoff means that more money will go to someone else, and they won't make a move until it is absolutely forced.

Like I said, this is hardly breaking new ground. It's just one fan's ideas, but I believe the ideas are sound. So, Mr. President-elect, if you are going to "throw your weight around a little bit" and get this done, and you need somebody who has thought about this a little too much, I'm your man. Of course, you could always go with someone who's actually qualified instead.

I Guess I Should Be Glad They Weren't Talking About Twilight

Recently, I was sitting in my office and, as is often the case, was being subjected to the loud conversations of other people in my lab. They were discussing Madagascar 2 and what was and was not better than the first movie. By far the strangest part of this was the intense discussion of who ended up with whom and why things should have ended differently. People had very strong feelings on which zoo animal should pair up with which other zoo animal. After hearing the conversation, I fully expect to see some sort of fanfic about this.

Some days, I really wish my office had a door instead of just a doorway.

Quickly...

Have I mentioned my adoration for Mental Floss here in the past? I don't think I have. It's both informative and fun. You never really know what you're going to learn from one day to the next. Take, for example, today's article about Thomas Crapper. In addition to being full of facts about pretty much anything, there are quizzes and a daily brain game. I highly recommend checking it out.

How Blizzard and World of Warcraft Ruined Everything1

No matter how you feel about World of Warcraft, there is no denying that it is now the ultimate power in the (gaming) universe. No, wait. Let's back up a bit first.

Waxing Nostalgic

I've been playing video games and role playing games for long time now. When I first got a Nintendo, I played Mario Bros. just like everyone else, but I never beat it. No, while everyone else was busy rescuing the princess from a hammer throwing dinosaur, I was busy helping Lord British or fulfilling the prophecy regarding the light warriors^2,3. It wasn't long before I was playing any RPG I could get my hands on. I played them on consoles and PCs; I played them when I should have been doing homework and when a young person with any social skills would have been doing...I don't know, something social. I spent time walking across the Clouds of Xeen and then across to the Darkside. (Pause for a year and a half to play Doom and Doom II.) This has continued on over the years and moved into more recent RPG series like Neverwinter Nights or KOTOR. While I have supposedly matured, my love for video games in general-and specifically the RPG-has continued. No matter what system a game was played on, no matter when it was played, my favorites have always been those which had a solid story and more freedom to make choices.

Logging On

Games like World of Warcraft are hardly the first roleplaying games to be played by multiple players using a network. By the early 1990's more and more people were connecting their computers to the internet, and bringing games with them. Most of us weren't connected to the internet proper, but rather to horrible (by current standards, at least) services like Prodigy⁴ and AOL or maybe to a local BBS. Nevertheless, there were online games even then. When I was in college in the mid-90's, I played a bit on various Multi-User Dungeons, or MUDs. I never got too into these games, however as they were not nearly as complex as free-standing RPG options and despite being entirely text-based, these were the 2400-9.6K (or 28.8 if you were lucky) modem days, so lag was still a problem. As online technology improved at an exponential rate, a crop of new games emerged that incorporated the same principles of multi-user dungeons but with impressive graphic interfaces, and the MMORPG as we know it was born. There have been several generations of MMORPGs now, but none have hit the mainstream jackpot like WoW. It's influence can been seen everywhere from other games to television to, potentially, the movie theater.

Changing Landscapes

So, what's the problem? Games are now online. This is a good thing, right? Yes and no. The allure of these games is easy to understand, but they are not without their faults.⁵

-One of the great strengths of the MMORPG is people, but the anonymity of being online does funny things to people (John Gabriel has a theory about this, but I'll let you look that one up on your own). Lack of knowledge in any facet of the game is likely to get you branded as a noob and excluded from the cool kid's club, as is disagreeing with another player or simply be around to take the blame when things go wrong. If you didn't enjoy being mocked for what you wore in elementary school, it's highly unlikely that you'll enjoy being mocked for what you wear (or wield) in a game. Even worse, I do make mistakes from time to time, and the last thing you ever want to do in one of these games is make a mistake where someone else can see it.

-Even when players aren't openly trashing other players, there is still the non-stop chatter. Sometimes it is harmless, though both irritating and ignorant. Other times, it is simply unbearable. (Playing a game with public chat on during election time is only slightly preferable to a knife to the eye.)

-Believe it or not, sometimes I like to do a quest on my own. It's great that quests and other parts of games are designed so that people can work cooperatively, but for many of us standing around asking for other people to join is not exactly the most enjoyable activity, so needing to find those other people can be frustrating.

-Time. Seriously, time. I'll spend a lot of time playing a game if I like it, but I do have other things to do like work or sleep. In most MMORPGs, I'm automatically playing catch-up if I didn't have a game on its release date and every minute I'm not grinding or farming is putting me further behind. Since having better gear and more experience allows you to get better gear and earn more experience, the differences only increase over time. Soon, those who play non-stop have tremendous advantages and there is little skill or decision making involved. They may be against the rules, but it's easy to see why people create and use bots in these games.⁶

-Story is another part of the game that really suffers. If people are going to come back to a game day after day, it's hard to create a storyline that continues to advance and be interesting for that long, so the main choices are to abandon any sort of real story for a little background and quest-related stories or to have a story that goes for a while, but may end months or years before a player stops playing. Neither of these are really ideal, but I don't think anyone has found a better way to solve this problem yet.

-And of course, it wouldn't be right to talk about these games without fees. Fees suck, there's no doubt about it. No one wants to pay for one more thing, especially not now. Even more than that, I don't need something charging me $15 a month and making me feel guilty if I don't use all of my leisure time to get my money's worth. I already have a Netflix membership for that.

The biggest problem that I personally have with these games is one that becomes evident when you look at the shelves of the gaming store. When a company considers making a new game, they can create a game and sell it to lots of people or they can sell it to lots of people and then charge them to play it. As much as I hate the idea, I can't really blame them for choosing the gift that keeps on giving. The problem is that the options for non-online gaming are disappearing. Everyone always copies the most popular games. Look at the number of life simulation style games that have come up after the success of The Sims, or the rapid proliferation of "play an instrument" games, and i have a feeling we're only at the beginning of that curve. It is to be fully expected that when a game is as successful as World of Warcraft, that others will want to follow, and that is without a doubt what it happening. I said in the title of the post that World of Warcraft is ruining everything, but in reality it is their success and the desire of other companies for that same success that is changing the landscape. There is no denying, however, that the traditional RPG as a computer game is dying. Search the stores, you know it to be true. There may be some series hanging on because they have been around forever and there may be new games, but more and more of them are disappearing or coming out with new MMO versions of their games (or they may evolve into Hack'n'Slash platforms which is definitely not the same). The genre will not go quickly, but it has already become a shadow of what it once was. Soon, there will be nothing left for the nostalgic RPG player to do but break out the 12-sided die and head on over to The Android's Dungeon, but for now I'm still raging against the dying of the light.

One final note: After much of this post was written, I found this article over at Wired, which doesn't say all the same things, but certainly says some of these things more succinctly.


¹ Ok, about the title. I was a little worried that, despite the fact that it was said facetiously, it might distract people from the main post. I had at one point decided to say they "changed" rather than "ruined" everything, but decided to go back to the original. Either people will detect the tongue-in-cheek tone of the title and read on or they won't.

²Timelines compressed for convenience and to fit childhood memories.

³ I was almost certainly playing computer role playing games prior to this. One could make an excellent argument that despite not fitting many of the rules (experience points, gaining levels, etc.) King's Quest was an early rpg. You played the role of Graham, were faced with near-infinite options and a long story with many side-quests. (Man, I loved that game.) Even if you consider that an adventure game, there were also the roguelike and text-based RPGs.

⁴Seriously, let's not even discuss how much time I spent on Prodigy discussing various epic fantasy series. Let's just say it was a lot and leave it at that. But if anyone out there used Prodigy in the early 90's and used to be involved in discussion groups for The Wheel of Time...Hi. Long time, no see.

⁵This is where I think it's important to be clear that I'm not pointing out WoW flaws, but genre flaws which may or may not be applicable to every game. WoW is simply the biggest game in a large genre. I do however think that the success and size of WoW is responsible for my final and primary complaint.

⁶Cheating, hacking, gold selling and several other things can and probably should be considered in a list of complaints about the genre, but this post has taken long enough to write and those could take forever.

The Heat Will Be On

I just found out that Fine Living Network is showing episodes of the original Iron Chef.  How did I not know this? I'd had the TiVo search for it before, but at the time all it found was Iron Chef America. Mock all you want (and I know you will), but I've missed this show: the music, Ohta, the absurd incredibly expensive secret ingredients, Fukui-san,  and my favorite Iron Chef, Chen. It's kind of silly, but just hearing that familiar whoosh sound they play when going to or coming back from commercial made me happy. I have a feeling the TiVo will soon be full of these episodes.

Life on Mars (the TV show, not the search for)

I never got to see the British version of the show Life on Mars, but I've watched a few episodes of the US remake. I'm not exactly committed, but I do enjoy it when I watch. I understand that this is a show with a mystery that they don't intend to fully explain for a while, but there are some things I don't get. We can be expected to believe that a guy was in 2008 and somehow was sent back in time to 1973, but do they really expect us to believe that when this cop was on his way to try to rescue his kidnapped girlfriend (in 2008, before being sent back), he was listening to David Bowie on his iPod?

Remember, Remember, The 4th of November

That sounds kind of familiar...almost like I've used it something like  364 365 days ago. (Edited to correct for leap year.) Oh well.

Just wanted to remind everyone that today is the 4th of November. As you know, today is a very important day, a day where you make a choice that has potential to change the future. You can choose hope and try to gain back what was stolen away from us several years ago, or you can choose to continue on in the same rut we've been in.

I'm speaking, of course, about the release of Bender's Game, the third of four Futurama movies. The show has been cancelled for several years, but the releases of the first two DVD movies have been extremely successful. If this success continues, 20th Century Fox may decide that there is still money to be made, and if there is still money to be made, then there is a possibility that the show may return again either in more movies or in a new season. When you purchase Bender's Game, you aren't just buying a movie; you're buying the future. 

Today, you get to choose: Hope of a better future for all animated television or just more of the same failed jokes of the current administration?

Obligatory disclaimer that states the obvious: I don't really need a disclaimer, right? We're all aware of the concept of satire, aren't we? Good.

Good News, Everyone

I saw this on the front page of Best Buy earlier today, and it struck me as mildly amusing.

Remarkably Short Book Reviews: Halloween-ish Edition

When hearing that a book is written by Max Brooks, the son of Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft, your first instinct might be to expect humor. That's certainly where you'd find The Zombie Survival Guide filed in the bookstore, though it lacks even a single line that can truly be characterized as a joke. Instead, the humor is found in the duplication of the serious tone found in other worst-case scenario guides. Brooks assures the reader that this is a problem for which he must prepare, and that preparation must start now. Going beyond the send up of survival guides, the book is an impressive piece of world building. Brooks lays out the ground rules for his zombies-what causes them (a virus called Solanum), what can hurt them (only destroying the brain), how best to protect yourself from them-and attempts to dispel the myths that have been spread by Hollywood. After giving us the list of absolutely essential supplies and telling us what weapons work best (machetes, M1 carbines, and absolutely not a flamethrower), he gives a brief account of some of the recorded zombie attacks in history. It's certainly not much like any other book I've read recently, but I enjoyed it. In fact I especially enjoyed it as an accompaniment to the next book I wanted to talk about.

 

Building on the ground work from The Zombie Survival Guide, World War Z tells the story of zombie outbreaks that turn into a pandemic. The book is presented as a collection of interviews performed by the unnamed narrator revealing life at the beginning of the outbreak, during "The Great Panic" and throughout the war. The very long war. Make no mistake about it, this is not a war that we win, at least not for a long time. Unlike most zombie stories, this is not limited to a single town or even a single country. Most of the world is overrun with zombies. No official death toll is ever given, but with 200 million infected in North America along with over half of China, the number would be in the billions. Each interview gives us a new perspective on the war. We hear from people all over the world who were involved in finding outbreaks, planning, military operations, from politicians or even from just regular people who tried to go far enough north that the zombies would freeze during winter. Brooks does an impressive job of giving each person their own distinctive voice and building the characters despite the limited space for each section. While the book uses these vignettes to point out mistakes we've made in the past and those we might make in the future (as well as those things we get right), Brooks usually allows the story and the character to be the true star (one interview does stand out as being somewhat less than subtle, but it was the exception rather than the rule). In all, it is impressive that Brooks is able to get as much emotional impact out of so many of these sections. I definitely recommend this one as a very unique and worthwhile read. In fact, I also recommend the audiobook which, while abridged, has some talented actors playing the parts of the various interviewees including Alan Alda, Rob and Carl Reiner, John Tuturro and Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill, as a veteran of the disastrous Battle of Yonkers. 

Doctor, Doctor

It seems that the Tenth Doctor has indeed given us the news. David Tennant has confirmed that he will remain the titular character on Doctor Who for the specials in 2009, but will not be back in 2010. I realize that three seasons, plus a few specials is pretty much a standard duration for an actor in the role (at least for any after Tom Baker), but I can't help wishing that Tennant would stay on a little longer. No matter who fills the role next, it will be hard to match his ability to alternate between the child who is filled with wonder at the simplest of things and weary traveller who has witnessed the death of everything he loves.

Now of course, comes the speculation. Who will be the next Doctor? What's going to happen?There have been all sorts of suggestions, and I really can't say that I know if any of them would be good or bad. In my opinion, however, if you're looking for a new Doctor, I feel like you can't go wrong with Andre Young. (Too obvious? Should I have said Dwight Gooden?)

You Can Feel It In The Air

I get a word of the day email sent to me every day. I've thought in the past that it would be nice if more of the words were ones that were new to me rather than 5 of the 7 in any given week being reasonably common words. Well, they must have listened because today's word was something entirely new and different.

I'm not sure which surprised me more, that October 30 is pronounced \PAL-puh-bul\ or that it has a meaning other than "the day before Halloween."

Hope your \PAL-pub-bul\ is enjoyable.

All Right. It's Saturday Night, I Have No Date, A Two Liter Of Shasta And My All-Rush Mixtape. Let's Rock.

On tonight's episode of Chuck, the key to beating Missile Command (and saving the world) is listening to and playing along with "Tom Sawyer" by Rush. A reference to Fry vs. the invaders (possibly from space) or just coincidence caused by the fact that Tom Sawyer is a rocking song for when one is playing video games?

People Who've Appeared in Bestsellers? People Who Make Others' Lives Miserable?

I was originally planning to write something completely different, but then this came to mind and just kind of took over. In the end, I figured the world needs more $25,000 Pyramid style posts. Feel free to take a shot at figuring out the answer.

1. Death, from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett.

2. Shai'tan, also known as The Dark One or Great Lord of the Dark. The big bad guy that no one ever sees in the late Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series.

3. People who still get confused by the internet.

The Hot Air Is Strong With This One

A couple of weeks ago, we went out to New Mexico for a few days to visit some of Melissa's family. In addition to insisting on having green chile on everything¹, we went to the Balloon Fiesta, where we learned several things. First, you have to get up really early in the morning if you want to get there for the mass ascension. Second, even if you call it a shuttle bus, there's not nearly enough leg room for someone my height on a school bus. Third, and probably most importantly, while there are balloons of all shapes and sizes there are a few that will make me insist on rushing across the field to get a better look².

¹Ok, not everything. We didn't put it on waffles or anything like that...though that might be good.

²Thanks to Melissa, who assembled this video and added the music, since I had no clue what I was doing.

Hate Myself for Watching You?

I'm beginning to feel a bit like Joan Jett on Monday nights¹. Is anyone else out there still watching Heroes (addendum: Ok, I know Danielle and Marni are watching--unless they've given up recently--but anyone else)? I just don't know what to think any more. Do I really want to spend time watching this when all I'm really going to do is pick it apart as soon as it's over? I just can't help feeling that they have forgotten to have anyone proofread their scripts. Just a quick rundown of some of the things that have gone wrong:

-We're on potential/alternate future number 5 or so now. Whenever the writers are in need of a new threat, they just send someone back from the future to tell us all about the danger that is coming. With all the different versions of Peter and Hiro (as well as other characters) we've encountered, the show is rapidly approaching pre-Crisis DC comics level².

-Mohinder and Peter seem to operate simply by doing the first thing that comes to mind, no matter how stupid (or at least they seem to be the two biggest offenders). For example, Peter determines that his brother revealing his abilities causes dystopian future B and he must use his time travel abilities to prevent this. Rather than going back to any point prior to the revelation and rationalizing with Nathan, he goes to the press conference where the secret is revealed and shoots his brother. I realize that sometime characters do things because they need to for the plot to progress, but the writers seem to be taking it to extremes. I think Mohinder tends to be the more annoying of the two, because while Peter is projecting his spittle everywhere with his screaming, Mohinder shows up for long winded speeches. 

-Dead people don't stay dead. Whether they died on screen or before the start of the show, dead people keep popping back up.

-Mohinder's scientist dialogue seems to have been written via Mad-Lib. It's as if there were blanks in his lines that just said (science noun) or (science verb). It's one thing if the science is silly and unrealistic³, that's to be expected in a not even remotely based on fact sci-fi show. The words they put in Mohinder's mouth don't even go together and when they do, they contradict things that he (or everyone else) said in previous episodes.

-As if having Ali Later on her 4th character/personality isn't bad enough, the explanation she was recently given doesn't even help. She was one of three superpowered identical triplets, Niki, Tracy and Barbara. What about Jessica? She wasn't just an alternate personality (like Gina), she was Niki's twin who was killed by their abusive father. Was she the fourth triplet or just an adopted sibling who looked an awful lot like her? Her entire plotline makes my head hurt.

-Nathan had a wife right? The one who was in a wheelchair but then was healed by Linderman? Where'd she go? And shouldn't she be upset that her husband is sleeping with every version of Ali Larter that walks by?

-We've only had two true villains who have had any development (unless you want to count people working for the Company, but we really don't know where they fall on the sliding scale of evil-doers yet). One of these villains has been seen in the future living a peaceful life and making waffles for his kid⁴. The other (ignoring for now that he was a Japanese legend despite being British) is motivated by the fact that someone thought he was dead and stole his girlfriend...400 years ago. Is this Pearl Harbor? At least Ben Affleck didn't hold a grudge that long and even when he was angry he didn't think it reason enough to try to destroy the world.

-My favorite scene in recent episodes was Noah Bennet telling the Hatian (you know, the guy who makes everyone else's powers useless) that he was keeping Sylar around only to find his weakness and then he'd kill him. At this point, Sylar was standing in a cell, trapped with a man who negated all his powers and an armed man who wanted him dead. Yeah, can't find his weakness. Did no one question this when it was written? (Which is not to say that I wanted him to kill Sylar. At this point, he is one of the few interesting characters.)

-Now it seems that not only do the writers not seem to be paying attention, but they clearly are not talking to each other. We have writers saying that Sylar lost all his powers from season 1 and had to start again from scratch, followed shortly by him demonstrating multiple powers that he had learned in season 1. Then we had Mohinder doing a scene-by-scene re-enactment of The Fly, which the writers said was intentional. Shortly after this, another writer complained that just because it was similar doesn't mean it was taken from The Fly and that there was no intent to replicate it. If the writers can't even agree on things, it's no wonder that the show seems to be a mess.

So, why am I still watching, you ask? Well, I'm asking myself the same thing. There are two competing reasons I keep coming back. First, I know that there is potential there. I want this show to get better and to use the ideas to build the show to what it should be. the second reason is that I'm waiting to see what idiotic thing they do next. The problem is that with each passing week I'm moving away from the former reason and more toward the latter. Either way, I can't get myself to just give up and stop watching.

¹ Actually, Ennis del Mar would probably be more accurate, but that quote has beaten to death don't you think?

² For those of you who don't know. DC comics had so many alternate worlds and alternate versions of characters that in 1985, they had Crisis on Infinite Earths which destroyed many alternate worlds and made things as least a little less confusing.

³ Fringe, I'm looking at you.

⁴ Which was pretty out of left field and didn't make much sense, even if it was kind of fun.

Bad Hair Day

There is a long history of comic book characters looking silly. In an attempt to make characters distinguishable and memorable, they have had outlandish clothing, hairstyles and body types. Sometimes it seems as if a character really drew the short straw. Looking back, there have been all sorts of bad hair-dos¹, but few stand out as being as bad for as long as Guy Gardner (one of the Green Lanterns²).

Here, we see Gardner exhibiting both a bad haircut and bad attitude as a member of Justice League International.

Over the years, his character has changed, but his hairstylist apparently hasn't.

Here, we can see him sporting a style I like to call the 1UP.

Unfortunately for Gardner, his hair issues have followed him from the printed page all the way to the toy store. There's just no escape for him.

¹ One that obviously stands out is Storm's Mr. T mohawk, but that was at least a temporary thing.

² Yeah, one of the Green Lanterns not the Green Lantern. Since we're talking about comics, it's a lot more complicated than even that, but I'm trying to keep it fairly simple (or at least not too confusing) here.

Long, Rambling and Probably Not Worth Reading

I haven't posted in a while, and I'll try to get back to regular posting (for all none of you who notice or care), but for now I just wanted to put down a couple of things that have been in my head for a while.¹

Not long ago, a coworker was telling me about how her feelings on the financial crisis² had changed and had done so practically overnight. One day, she was watching the news and discussions of government bailouts of various financial organizations and was vehemently opposed to it. They made the bad choices, not her. They should foot the bill, not her. It's hard to fault the logic at that level. Why should she, or anyone else, pay for the mistakes of others? The next day, things turned around. One of the organizations that was failing was hers. She's almost ready to retire and much of her retirement money was invested through this organization. Now it was time to panic. The government needed to do something to protect people like her. It wasn't her fault. She wasn't the person who made bad choices, but now she was going to be punished as if she had. It's remarkable how much things change in such a short period of time. We all make snap judgements all the time on every subject--This person is wrong, that person is right--but we rarely stop to consider why it is that the other person has an opposing viewpoint, only how their viewpoint would impact us or how it differs from our own. Sometimes, a little time taken to understand what someone else is dealing with is all it takes to make a big difference in our perception. The point is that empathy, for lack of a better word, is good. Empathy is right, empathy works. I'm not saying it's the answer to all of life's problems, but I am saying that it can make it a lot easier to deal with each other as we deal with those problems.

A few days before I had that conversation with my coworker, reports came out about the death of author David Foster Wallace. Among the many articles and tributes, I found an article that referenced (and linked to a copy of) a commencement address he had given in 2005. Like the earlier conversation, the things said in that address have stuck in my head ever since. He pointed out that we choose what we think and what we think about (including our refusal to acknowledge that anyone else could have reasons for not doing exactly what we want), and that perhaps by choosing to consider that our assumptions about other people are not the only reality that we set ourselves free³. That's exactly what was demonstrated in the conversation I'd had with my coworker. Initially, her decisions were based on what she saw as reality. The problem was that it wasn't everything. It took putting her in the place of someone else to see that reality is much bigger than she realized--much bigger than any of us realize.

I am not the center of the universe. Maybe if my thought process reflected that and was not simply how does this affect me or how will this person's actions inconvenience me, I could be a little happier, a little more free, a little more understanding. Maybe. I don't know. All I do know is that it can't hurt⁴.



¹ And this might end up sounding soapboxy, but it's not intended to (and hopefully it's not too soapboxy).

² I'm not about to try to tackle the issue itself, for several reasons. First, it's not the point of this post. Second, it's entirely too complex to try to discuss here. Finally, this is a silly blog full of pop culture, trivia, ill-advised attempts at humor and the occasional trite observation (like today). To discuss something this important here would trivialize it, be insulting and not solve anything anyway (also why you will never see a grand discussion of religion, politics or other things people hold dear...it's absolutely the wrong forum).

³ I'm not going to try to explain or quote the entire thing here, but here is a remarkable passage: "It just depends what you want to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. " The rest you can read for yourself and let his words say things far better than I ever could. Typing David Foster Wallace Commencement into google returns almost a hundred thousand hits, so it's not hard to find: Here is a link to one transcript.

⁴I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I can change, and you can change...sorry got a little carried away there, but you get the point⁵.

⁵ That "If I can change, and you can change" thing is from Rocky IV, by the way. Just thought I'd help you figure out where you'd heard it before.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

I rented Star Wars: The Force Unleashed last week and played through it during the week and weekend. Yeah, I know. I'm doubly a nerd for not only playing a game, but one based on Star Wars. It was a lot of fun though. I couldn't help comparing it to other Star Wars gaming experiences I have had, specifically SW: Knights of the Old Republic¹. With the experience and that comparison in mind, some observations (both good and bad) about the game:

-The gameplay is incredibly linear. Yes, there is a story and a reason for each planet you go to and what you have to do there, but as far as choices you are as limited as if it were Super Mario Brothers. It's a straight progression from A to B to C (or Kashyyyk to Raxus Prime to the Death Star as the case may be). Actually, in Super Mario Brothers, you could actually choose to warp to specific worlds, so I guess it's even more limited in choices of it's progression. Yes, the game has multiple endings, but they literally branch from who you decide to fight in the game's final scene.

-Along the same lines, I found myself wishing that I could change more about my character. Yes, he has different costumes (more on that later) and you can customize his lightsaber (again, more later) but there was no real effect from any of the changes. Going back to KOTOR, everything you did had an impact on the character, weapons, armor, even decisions you made meant differences in powers and how people react to you. I guess what I'm saying is that I would have preferred more of a RPG feel and less simple hack and slash.

-However, one of the biggest problems I always had with KOTOR (to the point that I have used fan-made patches in the past to change this) was that for a game where you are a Jedi, too much time is spent becoming a Jedi and not getting to handle a lightsaber. Force Unleashed has no such problem. From the very first mission, you are a full fledged Jedi (ok, Sith) wielding a lightsaber. Your power grows over time, improving some powers and allowing you to learn new ones, but you can start off doing all sorts of fun force-related things.

-In fact, not only do you start off with force powers, the first mission of the game is somewhat of a prologue where you take the role of Darth Vader². You slash and choke your way through an army of Wookies (and all the Stormtroopers, too, if you feel like it) and hunt down a rogue Jedi.

-The story is entertaining, and to be quite honest, on average better than Episodes I-III.⁴

-The graphics on the Wii version of the game are not as good as the 360 or PS3 version, but using the motion control is a lot of fun. Want to slash someone with a lightsaber? Just slash left or right with the wiimote. Same for up and down or even a lunge to stab your opponent. Shove the nunchuck forward and you use the force to push things in front of you (enemies, debris, whatever) and send them flying. You can even hold someone in the air and throw your lightsaber to impale them.

-Controlling which target you choose, however, is not so easy. There is a targeting system, but it only works sporadically and even then it doesn't work well.

-The game itself is fairly simple, but when it comes to boss fights it's much easier to just have the cheat codes on.

-Since you can collect various color crystals for your saber and costumes for your character to wear, hours of fun can be had by giving your character a purple lightsaber and putting him in the Mace Windu costume then killing enemies while screaming Samuel L. Jackson type things. 

The game was a lot of fun, but the replay value is only so-so and I'm glad that I rented rather than buying. Have any of the rest of you played this?

¹KOTOR is my favorite Star Wars game, and is one that I have played over and over and even reinstalled in the past few months to play again. The closest after that would have to be TIE Fighter, which I enjoyed despite never loving or being particularly good at other flight simulators.

²As an interesting note, the voice of Darth Vader is provided throughout the game by Matt Sloan who is probably best known for being one of the creators of (and providing the voice for) Chad Vader.³

³You've seen Chad Vader, right? If not, go watch it or at least episode 1 and then come back and finish this post later.

⁴They did make one of the bosses a Gungan, so it was almost like they were giving players the chance to kill Jar Jar Binks.

An Open Letter to the Nest of Yellow Jackets in Our Yard

Dear Sirs and Madams,

I realize we got off to kind of a rough start. I was completely oblivious to your presence before running your nest over with the lawnmower. As soon as I realized what was happening I tried to move away and let you have your space. I would have taken the lawnmower with me, but you were swarming all over it and quite frankly I just can't deal with you when you're that mad (that's right, I could see you swarming from all the way in my house). I mean, really, how many hours did it take you to calm down? It wasn't until that night when you were finally ready to go to sleep that you were willing to let the whole thing go, and even then I'm not sure that you were really letting go as much as just too exhausted to swarm anymore. 

I know I upset you, but you really did take things too far. I got away as quickly as I could and tried to defuse the situation, but you just couldn't leave it at that, could you? Oh no; you had to get a parting shot in. Even though I was perfectly willing to just walk away, one of you hid in my pants or shoe and stung me on my ankle. You came into my home and hurt me. I might even be able to let this go if I were the only one involved. You hurt me, and maybe I deserved it, but I've also got Melissa and the boys to think about. So, I'm afraid that this has to be it for us. I want my stuff back, and I want my yard back. I'm sorry it came to this, but you left me no choice. I hope you don't mind all that poisonous foam that's filling your front door (and your entire nest, with any luck). No hard feelings; I just can't let you hurt me again.

I hope you die,

Craig

P.S. We just had a flood, why couldn't you just die then and save us both the trouble?

In The Shiny Little Surrey With The Fringe On The Top

First of all, this post has nothing to do with horse-drawn carriages or Oklahoma!, so those of you who ended up here because you are Amish or into musical theater can feel free to leave whenever you want.

A couple of times today, the subject of the new J.J. Abrams show, Fringe, has come up. I did watch it, but I hadn't really thought about it much today as I spent the entire day searching for and compiling information at the request of an auditor from the land down under. It turns out that despite my best efforts there is not a single question he can ask in that situation which can be appropriately answered by smiling and handing him a Vegemite sandwich. At least, not with any sort of professionalism. Anyway, after hearing a few other opinions and getting some questions about my thoughts on Fringe, I figured I'd give it a quick review.

First, of all. Yes, I did like it, but I think it was obvious that it was still a pilot and many of the things that grow over time in a TV show were not there yet.

I know, I know. It's just an X-Files rip off, right? I've said it, too. However, looking at this a little more objectively, the similarities to the X-Files begin and end with federal agents investigating things that involve the paranormal. Even there we don't know enough about what they will be investigating to determine how similar that is. (Besides, how does a broadly similar premise to a show that ended years ago mean that a show doesn't have a reason to exist or have creative worth. Following this logic, there should be no police shows after the first one ever made, no political dramas, and certainly no sitcoms that revolve around a family. That is so played out.) The lead characters of Olivia Dunham and Peter Bishop are clearly not Mulder and Scully. Neither is really a believer, and neither is really a skeptic. They just get drawn into the situation and have to go with the flow. Dunham does immediately concede to things that she probably shouldn't. I know the last time someone told me to strip to my underwear, take LSD and shove probes into the base of my skull, it took a little convincing. She does it not out of belief, but out of desperation. Sure, she should think to herself, "Hey, this is a stupid idea. Why would I listen to a guy who was in a mental institution for almost two decades, anyway?" She doesn't, because she is grasping at straws to save someones life and because, let's face it, it helps to move the show. The best way to look at it is as a cop show, but one with a lot of sci-fi. Without the burden of being compared to a phenomenon like the X-Files, the show fares much better.

Fringe was over-the-top and unrealistic, and I think this is why I liked it. It didn't try to make you think that everything was part of our reality. It was part of their reality. People don't have their skin crystallize and turn transparent. People don't plug into the brains of comatose or recently dead people and have a chat, and believe me unused lab equipment certainly does not go unclaimed for 15 years. 15 days would be kind of a stretch. It's not about suspension of disbelief in the sense of Jack Bauer being able to accomplish everything in 24 hours, when it would take him that long to drive across LA. It's about being pulled into a brand new world. It's sci-fi, but almost to the point of being fantasy. It's about becoming involved in the world that the writers have built for us, where two scientists who shared a lab travelled down divergent paths. One caused the death of a colleague in an experiment and ended up in an institution. The other started a corporation that does anything and everything (and is essentially this show's Hanso Foundation), but may also be doing much more than they claim. The conflict between these two sides of the same coin has promise for further development in the future.

The biggest fault so far was the two leads, who really where just there to help push pieces into place during this first episode. I hope that they are developed more as the show goes on (which is typical for a show like this). Some of the supporting actors/characters were much more interesting: Specifically, Walter Bishop, the formerly institutionalized professor, who was somehow functional in the lab despite being completely nuts. 

To sum up: It was fun and a good set up for the future. I just hope that it lives up to what it can be.

I, For One, Welcome Our New Insect Overlords.

While people around the world are focused on whether or not the start up of the Large Hadron Collider is going to create a universe-consuming dragon¹, most have overlooked the more real threat to destroy mankind: Water bears

Water bears, also known as Tardigrades, are near-microscopic invertebrates (the largest are around 1.5 mm) that can be found just about everywhere. On their own, they don't really seem to be that scary. Look at this guy.

He's kind of cute, right? A little pudgy and looking pretty jovial. In all honesty, it resembles nothing so much as a clean-shaven, multi-limbed Dr. Phil. Throw a mustache on the thing, and you can almost picture him saying, "Now that is one skanky-lookin' coke whore." But don't let its looks deceive you. The problem is that water bears are extremely tough. They are found everywhere, because they can survive anywhere. They can handle high temperatures, low temperatures, both extremely high and low pressures and even being completely dried out. Now, scientists have sent some of them into space to test their ability to withstand exposure. It turns out that being in the vacuum of space and exposed to extreme temperatures didn't kill them. In fact, they were even exposed to "cosmic rays and deadly levels of solar ultraviolet radiation" and came through it just fine.

When will we learn, people? Have comic books and movies taught us nothing? Exposure to high levels of radiation makes organisms bigger, stronger, and greener (or possibly grey), or in some cases blue, naked, and unable to care about the problems of normal humans. Cosmic rays on the other hand have been associated with becoming elastic, turning to stone and self-immolation. These are only a few of the known symptoms, and who knows how bad it can get. 

To make sure you know how bad it could get, here is a brief outline of what we can expect as the Tardigrades grow in power and eventually overthrow the earth. 

Not so cute now, is he?

First, the exposure to radiation will seem to kill them, but, against all odds, they will come back and seem perfectly normal. (Wait, read that article again. This part already happened!) Then, with their moods seeming to swing violently from one extreme to another, they will begin to exhibit new abilities. These will be uncontrollable at first, but then the Tardigrades will learn to control their abilities, and with control comes greater power. A few will gain super-size, while others gain super-strength or the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes². Those few who gain super-intellect will rule the others and lead them in the rebellion to come. Within two years, the water bear army will wipe out most life on Earth, leaving only those who are found useful and can serve them.

They must be stopped, but right now we have no champion, no hero capable of stepping up to the fight. So, anyone want to volunteer to stand in front of the beam at the LHC? I hear you can get cool powers that way³. Ooh, you know what's a cool superhero name? The Dragon. 

¹As a fan of hyperbole, I think that quote about the dragon may be the best answer I have ever seen to questions of safety that are founded in fear of scientific advancement rather than knowledge of any actual danger.

²Do they even have eyes? Well, if not they'll shoot laser from other places. You don't wanna know.

³This, as with all science in this post, is satirical and is not meant to encourage dangerous or destructive behavior. The Fount of Useless Information is not responsible for any attempts to use this post in any manner other than its intended use. Please consult your nuclear physicist before exposure to any form of radiation. Superpowers are not real and actual results may include decreased fertility, radiation sickness and death. 

Yeah, I Said It

Since I've already shared my probably unpopular opinion on the Olympics, I figured why not go ahead a give you a few more.

I don't like Wes Anderson movies. People tell me I will. People tell me I should. I've tried to like them. I've even tried to convince myself that I liked them, but really it just doesn't work. Oh, sure I may sit there thinking "Hey, that's one quirky character. Yeah, how clever to make that person completely unlike any human being I would ever choose to be around for more than twenty seconds." A joke may make me half-heartedly chuckle or almost smile, but by the end I realize that I don't like any of the characters, and there's a pretty good chance that I may want to fall asleep.^*

I can't wait for the presidential race to be over. I hate that everything on TV and the internet has to do with the election and that all I hear anywhere is about how my candidate is better than yours, blah blah blabbity blah. Not only that, but I've got news for you: Every time I hear anything from one candidate it makes me want to vote for the other guy. Yeah, that's right the other guy. Campaign ads? Counterproductive. Negative ads? Doubly so. Send me an email or tell me all about how evil his opponent is? Damaging my opinion of your candidate and in all likelihood, of you as well.^** I'm fully capable of learning things, forming opinions and making decisions all on my own, thank you. And if you think that I don't mean your party or your candidate and that surely there is an exemption, you're wrong. That's right, despite being far too old to be mistaken for one, I'm apparently a rebellious teenager who is going to go against anything anyone tells me just out of the need to rebel.

If you happen to hear a spinning noise coming from underground, don't worry, that is likely just everyone who was associated with the original version of The Women^*** rolling over in their respective graves. Alternatively, it could be the career of Meg Ryan, which I'm fairly certain did pass away a few years ago.

Yeah, I realize that last one wasn't very controversial, but I couldn't think of another topic and really needed a way to end this post and, like magic, the trailer just came on TV.



^*Oh, I am so getting my hipster card revoked for this. . . or would be, if I were ever hip enough to have one.

^**Also damaging to my opinion of you: Being unable to realize that, while someone may have the same agenda as you, they still have an agenda and that maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't automatically believe everything someone says just because they agree with you.

^***Just the ones who have actually died. I make no claims about how anyone from the first film, who is still living feels about the remake or how much time they spend in graves.

Running for the Border

[Int. Car - Driving past a Taco Bell- Day]

M: A Volcano Taco

C: Yeah, I saw that and was wondering what that was, too.

M: It probably makes you erupt violently after you eat it.

C: So, it's just a regular Taco Bell taco?

Go, Roll to Victory, Hit Your Stride

First, let me apologize to anyone who care nothing about sports. There's nothing for you in this post. Sorry. Ok, moving on...

College football starts tonight and while I'm sure my patriotism will be questioned for saying it, I have to admit that I'm a million times more interested in this than I was in the Olympics.¹ Fortunately, I'm also not nearly as invested in this as I was when I was younger. Yes, I still love the games and follow as much as I can, but time and distance have allowed me to realize just how much insanity there is that goes along with what is really just a game.

For a first week, there is plenty going on:

The University of Alabama (the team I grew up rooting for and actually still root for despite never having attended a class there) takes on Clemson on a neutral field. I love that two teams ranked in the top-25 went out of their way to schedule a ranked non-conference opponent to start the season off right. This does not, however, make up for scheduling Tulane, Western Kentucky and Arkansas State as your other non-conference opponents.

Michigan fans (and you know who you are) will get to watch the debut of new coach Rich Rodriguez against Utah and hope to see Appalachian State (you remember them) can spoil the season of another highly ranked team² (this time, it's defending champ LSU and the guy I thought for sure would come home to Michigan and be their head coach). I don't know if Rodriguez will mean more wins, but the offense will be much more fun to watch.

In one of the other games involving two ranked teams, my alma mater, Illinois³, will try to prove that last year was not a fluke by taking on Missouri. Unfortunately, I'm pretty convinced that last year was a fluke and that the only chance that UI has in this game is that Mizzou may be distracted by the people claiming that they have a shot at the national title and may be overconfident (don't see it happening though). At least the Illini have the quarterback with the better name. Really, Chase Daniel is cool, but how can you compete with Juice Williams?

Then of course, there are all sorts of other games that most people don't care about. But if you happen to be at Miami (OH), there would be an opportunity to see your team take on the university which completely did away with its athletic department a few years ago, moving all intercollegiate athletics to the Department of Student Life, putting them approximately on the level with student government⁴.

There are 120 teams, all with a (theoretical) shot at the national title, and it all starts tonight. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go figure out how to see the Alabama-Clemson game which is not showing on my cable provider.

(Other interesting opening weekend games I didn't mention: Kentucky/Louisville, USC/Virginia, Oregon/Washington, Tennessee/UCLA)

¹ Yes, Michael Phelps was impressive, but I wouldn't watch swimming, track or trampoline any other time, so why would I watch it every four years. Also, you can try as hard as you want, but you're not going to get me to think that winning or losing athletic events against other countries makes my country any better or worse than theirs.

² While it is exciting to point out that this is the match-up of two defending national champions (App State won the Division I-AA championship), I don't think ASU is going to get to sneak up on anybody this year. The fear of ending up like last year's Michigan team, which will be remembered for that first game despite ending up with a pretty good season.

³ Actually that's alma mater II. Alma mater I has the weekend off. One could also argue that they have every weekend off, but that's not true despite the scores seeming to reflect that.

⁴ For those of you not wanting to waste time looking it up, I'm talking about Vanderbilt, one of the schools home to the "That's all right. That's OK. You'll be pumping our gas someday." cheer. By the way, that cheer is second only to the declaration by members of the SMU student body that "our maids went to Texas."

Lost 5.01 "Because You Left" Countdown

I'm not sure if this countdown makes things better or worse, but it looks cool. Perhaps when we get close to time it will start beeping and the numbers will be replaced with hieroglyphics.

They Like Their Cryptids Like They Like Their Coffee...

So, apparently someone found bigfoot? Viral marketing for a book/TV show/movie, or just more nutjobs? I guess we'll find out once they reveal all their evidence. I'm relatively sure I know where I stand on this one.

No Lunch for You

It's never good when you go to grab some lunch and think, "Wow, the cops must like this place as much as I do. There are two police cars in the parking lot." Apparently, they weren't just there for the food.

Still Uninspired

Here we go again.

Something occurred to me the other day. If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what precisely does that mean when someone claims to be a humanitarian?

Shortly after this, it occurred to me that Gallagher wants his shtick back.

I'm always way behind the times, so most of you have probably already been to this site, but in case you haven't check out Cake Wrecks, which celebrates some of the more disturbing baked goods people have ever paid for.

Are run and ran really that hard to keep straight? If you have problems with which one to use, just remember, "...and I ran. I ran so far away." and the rest all pretty much takes care of itself.

It was Ribfest here this weekend, and one of the vendors was called O.T.'s. They were really good, but I couldn't help wondering if it was going to turn out that they sold barbecue and Scientology.^1,2

Wow, apparently I only thought I hated the faux Breakfast Club commercial. What I feel for that one is nothing compared to the ad (for Kraft, I think) where they add "pure" to everything they say, like "purefect" and "pureka."Then there is the Pizza Hut commercial where the delivery person pretends to be a French baker while people try their new Dunkers. Look, I'm not saying that they may not be tasty, but it doesn't take a genius to identify a breadstick with chocolate chips on top.

This weekend we were driving along the road and saw that some business had their sign alternating between showing the temperature in Fahrenheit and Celcius. It stated that the temp was 23°C, which seemed fairly reasonable, then switched and told us that it was -126°F. I'm not sure which surprised me more: that I had really underdressed for the weather and was going to die within moments of leaving the car or that I really must have been remembering those calculations for temperature conversion wrong. I guess they weren't kidding in school when they told us that if you didn't use what you learned, you'd lose it.

Come back later, maybe I'll have something to say...but I doubt it.

^1. To be fair, their food was incredible and I think that may have been someone's name. I'm not ruling anything out yet though.
^2. Also, I thought it would be amusing to come up with a lyrics for a song about Ribfest using Adam Sandler's Hanukkah Song, but I couldn't really get any further than making jokes about gout, but it's probably all for the best.

Cornbread: Ain't Nothin' Wrong With That

Guess what? I don't have much of anything interesting to say, so you're getting a bunch of uninteresting things that have been bouncing around in my mind.

We have a spam filter at work that filters out pretty much anything that could be spam. It does a good job, but occasionally something will slip through. The other day, a few messages made it past the filter so I ended up with an inbox containing four copies of the same spam message from different "senders." As I was deleting them, I noticed that the first name of the sender for one of the messages was Slartibartfast. Are spammers developing a sense of humor?

Ok, I think I've got this all figured out. If warm chicken tastes good, cold crunchy veggies taste good, a warm chicken-cold crunchy salad tastes good-good then my new chocolate-covered garlic-stuffed shrimp should taste good-good-good. Oh yeah, I'm gonna be rich.

If you're walking around a store like Target, even if you are a pathetic backward-hat wearing frat boy, people should not be able to smell you three aisles away. Seriously Stinky, wearing that much cologne is not going to make women line up for the chance to bear your children. Do us all a favor and ease back just a little bit.

Here's something I don't think I've talked about on here in the past. I was a really big fan of the X-Files for quite a while. In fact, the first movie came out just over ten years ago. Also just over ten years ago, Melissa and I got married and moved across the country so that I could start school in Illinois. One of the very first things we did upon arriving in Illinois was find out where a theater was so that we could go see X-Files. By one of the first things, I mean that when we went to the grocery store for the first time so that we had at least some food in the house to eat (which also happened to be the day the movie was released) we asked one of the employees where the theater was so that as soon as we put the groceries away, we could go see it. Priorities, you know? I've said all that to say this: I don't know if it's that it has been 6 years since the show ended or how the last few seasons went or the fact that the best reviews I have seen have been barely even lukewarm, but I haven't seen the new movie yet. I'm not sure if I will.

Our air conditioner is currently broken. It just so happens that the company that is going to fix it is called Bel Aire. It turns out that if you suggest asking the repair guy if he is The Prince, other people may not think you are as funny as you do. (Note: Only suggest asking this. Don't actually ask or they may leave you to fix it yourself.)

Have you seen the commercial for JC Penney where a bunch of kids far too young to have ever seen The Breakfast Club are re-enacting The Breakfast Club? I am irrationally angered by that commercial.

Is that it? Yeah, that's it.

"New Direction" Earns Two Thumbs Down

Ok, Siskel has been gone since 1999, and Ebert hasn't been on the show for a couple of years due to health reasons, but the final demise of the show they created is very sad. I may not always agree with Roger Ebert's reviews. There have even been times when I wondered if he was insane based on his opinions, but there is no doubt that he, like Gene Siskel was, is a man who loves the movies*. That is what made the show great in its heyday. These were two guys who loved movies talking about the movies. In the pre-internet days, they were the superfans out there going to early screenings and telling you what they thought. They were the ones telling you that "yes, these are the good movies showing near you, but here is something you may not have heard about." The millions of film sites on the web today (for better or for worse) wouldn't be the same without the influence of this program. They were critics, yes, but they were also fans who loved what they were doing and just wanted to talk about it. That's why Sneak Previews/At the Movies worked.

Ebert recently wrote a great piece about the show, which covered it from conception to now. I highly recommend it, and I sincerely hope that even if it ends up with a new name in a new place, that the show and the thumbs will return once again.



*This has little to do with the article, but I just wanted to mention it anyway. Roger Ebert and I share an alma mater, and every year he returns to Champaign and puts on a film festival with what he considers to be "overlooked" movies. I always talk about going, but something always gets in the way (time, money, not caring about the movie selections for that year).

Take What You Can Get

Sometimes, my job irritates me. Sometimes, it irritates me a lot. Every once in a while, however, something small will happen that at least amuses me enough to help get through one of the bad days. It's things like being able to say, with all seriousness, "I had to go put on my tie so that I can look professional when the Byelorussians^* do their walk through."


^*Yes, I could say Belarusians, but phrasing it this way emphasizes the inherent absurdity of the whole thing.

The Dark Knight

I loved Batman Begins and have been waiting (im-)patiently since for the sequel. Today, that wait was over.

I will freely admit that when I first heard that Heath Ledger was going to play the Joker, I was skeptical. I will also freely admit that I was wrong. Really, really wrong. This is not the same Joker we've seen before. He isn't Jack Nicholson being Jack Nicholson in makeup. This Joker isn't funny. He's the Joker comic fans know who is a psychopath and when he makes one of his jokes, he's the only one laughing.*


I don't want to give away too much about the movie, so I'll just make a few more points before saying a couple spoilerish things in the comments (that way spoilers won't just show up in your RSS reader).

If you are planning to see this, hit the bathroom first and go for the small soda. It's a long 152 minutes when you get the 72 ounce mega-jug.

I'm still not sure I love the character of Rachael Dawes, but Maggie Gyllenhaal does a much better job than Katie Holmes did.

Don't expect a nice tidy back-story like you got for previous versions of the Joker. Much like in the comics, his story changes depending on who he tells it to. I think I like it that.

Aaron Eckhart was perfect as the "white knight" Harvey Dent and the counter-point to Batman's Dark Knight.

I love that Nolan never really gives us an answer as to whether it's ok that Batman is a vigilante and breaks laws or whether his mere existence creates the new version of criminal like the Joker. It's a morally gray area and we have to figure it out for ourselves.

When you see the mayor of Gotham, what pops into your head: "It's (a) Batmanuel! (b) Luis or (c) Richard Alpert"?

Before the movie, the were trailers for the new Terminator movie (good trailer, not sure if I care about the movie), The Spirit (ok trailer, not sure if I care about the movie), Watchmen (great trailer, and I really want this movie to be good.)

*Unless you were in a theater like the one we were in where people were so used to the Joker being funny (funny ha ha, that is) that they laughed no matter what he said. I kept wondering if they were really aware of just how crazy the guy was. This was scary crazy, not funny crazy.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

I managed to escape just a little early today, and we went to catch a late matinee of Hellboy II. It's no secret that I love Hellboy. I loved the first movie, loved all the comics I've been able to get a hold of, including the BRPD comics without Red. (You have great storytelling that combines pulp noir with mythology from all over the world, secret organizations, and a big red smart-alec demon with a huge right hand made of stone. What's not to like about the comics?)

Guillermo del Toro, who returns to direct his second Hellboy film, is the perfect choice to helm the series because he has an eye for the fantastic unlike any director working today. The creatures he has created for the Hellboy films (as well as those in Pan's Labyrinth) look as if they had just crawled out of a dream...or nightmare. (This is why I really look forward to seeing what he can do with The Hobbit.)

As with the first film, del Toro worked on the story with Mike Mignola, the creator of Hellboy. The story, this time, revolves around a prince of elves who wishes to break the truce with humans that has held for years and restart an old war, exterminating humanity once and for all. As he strikes the first blow, the BRPD is brought in to investigate. Where it goes from there, I'll allow you to see for yourself. The story itself works as more than just a way to move from one (admittedly impressive) action- or visual-heavy piece to the next and is strengthened by the fact that the characters are written to show their humanity even if they aren't really human at all.

David Hyde Pierce is hardly missed as the voice of Abe Sapien (this is no knock on DHP, he declined the offer to come back and didn't even do publicity for the first film because he thought it really was Doug Jones' role, not his.), and John Hurt's return as Prof. Bruttenholm is welcome even if it is relatively brief. Seth McFarland (of Family Guy fame) joins the cast as the newest member of the BRPD team, Johann Kraus. Really though, the movie belongs to Perlman who is again pitch-perfect as Hellboy.

The movie isn't without it's flaws, but they are ones I was willing to overlook for something as enjoyable as this was. If you liked the first one, I would certainly recommend this one as well.

WALL-E (and other movie-going things)

We went to see WALL-E last week, not long after returning from a trip to my parent's house. Before I got a chance to post about it, a thunderstorm knocked out our power and left us in the virtual dark ages sans lights, air conditioning and, most importantly, internet access.

I could tell you all about the movie and whether I liked it or not (I did), but let's face it: You can find a review of WALL-E anywhere and if you haven't seen it and don't plan to see it nothing I say will really make a difference.* What I can give you that no one else can is the remarkable story of some of the people with whom we shared a theater.

We had hurried to make sure we made it to the 11:00 showing, and by the time I bought our tickets (for the 11:30 show because I'm no dummy) and got in line at the concession stand it was around 10 after. Since we went to the movie early in the day and WALL-E was showing on three separate screens, the crowd was pretty sparse even though it was summer. There may have been 15 to 20 people in the entire theater, but that didn't bother me, I'd much rather have the place to myself than sit next to a stranger.** Most of the people were there with small children***, but our story will focus specifically on a woman who was there with (what I assume to be) her granddaughter.

They sat uneventfully through the movie, and were directly in front of us as we filed out. They tossed their trash into the waiting can rolled out by the employee who was waiting to clean the theater, and, following close behind, we did the same.

"Oh hang on," the grandmother said, digging through the trash, "I want to show them this."

She pulled out the cup for their Pepsi Freeze (a sort of slushy, partially frozen thing...kind of like a Squishee one might get at the Kwik E Mart) and proceeded over to concession stand. Needless to say, I was intrigued and fortunately since we had nothing to do but stand around while waiting for the third member of our party to extricate herself from her seat and actually leave the theater, we got to find out what was going on. It turned out that the frozen beverage had a piece of popcorn in it. "Wait," you might say, "a piece of popcorn? Inside the open cup? Like what might happen if one is eating popcorn in a dark room while holding a cup with a large opening?" And of course, that isn't at all what happened, since the people filling the cup clearly filled it about halfway, took it to the popcorn machine and dropped a piece in and then continued filling it. Fortunately, the people at the concession stand weren't nearly as judgemental as the rest of you, so they happily gave her a refill in her freshly recovered from the trash cup. As we stood, still waiting, the granddaughter came trotting back to the trash can and came away with their popcorn bucket, emptying it of the few remaining kernels.

"Did she just..."

"Oh yeah. She sent her back for the bucket."

"Are you sure she didn't just bring the bucket and dump it out.?"

"No she got it out of the trash."

"But it was in the trash."

"Yes, it was."

By the time we were finally ready to go, they were strolling out of the lobby and into the parking lot carrying a freshly refilled Freeze cup and bucket of popcorn. Which brings me to my question for all of you:

At what point does something officially become trash and become unsalvagable? Me, I think I share Jerry Seinfeld's opinion that adjacent to refuse is refuse and that eating it means you've crossed the line between man and bum, but I guess not everyone feels the same way. Obviously they didn't.



*To make it short: It was very good, just as one might expect from a Pixar movie. I wasn't sure how they'd pull off the sizable chunks of time in which it was all robots who really don't have much dialogue, but it worked quite well. It doesn't come close to being as wonderful as Ratatouille, but considering my feelings for that one, I think it's probably unfair for me to try to make that comparison. Also the short before WALL-E is probably my favorite one shown in front of any of the Pixar movies. Anyway, just go see it, you'll be glad.

**Or behind a stranger. Or in front of a stranger. Really, pretty much anywhere within a 5 seat zone of a stranger.

***Since there were actually three of us, one could argue that we also there to take a child to see it, but that would be rather impolite even if metaphorically accurate.

That's Famous Titles

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we went to Chicago recently. While we did visit family and eat at good restaurants, the reason for this visit (at least, the reason for going at this particular time) was because I was making a fool of myself trying to get on Jeopardy. Yeah, that's right, I still am holding on to that delusion.

I had mentioned previously that I had taken the online test and didn't figure it was good enough to go any further in the process. It wasn't, but after 12 months have passed, you can take the test again. I did, and this time either I did better than I realized or everyone else taking the test just sucked. (I prefer to assume the former.) I got an email back asking for me to come to an audition in person. I, of course, very quickly cleared my schedule (of nothing) and confirmed that I would be attending.


When I arrived for the audition, there were approximately twenty of us waiting for the earlier session to end. After completing our paperwork, and having our pictures taken (I did not want to have that picture taken, and yet if I got my way, I'd end up on TV...that really doesn't make sense, but I suppose I rarely do.), we went into the main room where we were introduced to the people who would be running the session. All of them were incredibly friendly and made us feel very comfortable. They briefly took us through some of the types of clues we should expect and gave us a chance to show that we knew how to answer them. Unlike when you were in school and getting someone to answer a question was next to impossible, the clue would not even be complete and an entire room full of Martin Princes were raising there hands saying, "Pick me teacher. I'm ever so smart!" Once we had this down, it was time for another test. We had all done well enough on the online test, but to narrow us down even further, there were 50 more questions and only 8 seconds to answer each one. After finishing the test, we went up in groups of three to play a very brief version of the actual game. After a few clues, they asked us questions about ourselves to see how we handled them and to see if we were so boring that people would fall asleep or change the channel if we make it to the show.

So, how did I do? Well, I think I did ok on the test and while playing, but let's face it if you're here reading this, you are pretty well aware that I'm a fairly boring individual and I don't have much I can say about myself that would be worth talking about on TV (which brings up a question: if you're aware of how boring I am, why are you still reading this?). Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how I feel I did because I don't get to make the decisions. At the moment, I know nothing and get to wait for 18 months to find out if I did well enough to be on the show or if I should just try the test again. I guess in the end it turns out that auditioning for Jeopardy is a lot like dating: There's a lot of waiting for the phone to ring, a lot of hoping that someone else thinks you are good enough, it's going to include a little humiliation and it's probably going to end in disappointment.