That's Infotainment!

I've learned a lot of things from watching infomercials over the years. They all rely on a simple marketing trick in which one takes a supposed situation which is a minor inconvenience at worst and presents it as a problem desperate for a solution. The original situation is shown along with the horrific consequences, then the new and glorious solution is shown with evidence that all consequences are gone. With that in mind, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. For years, Melissa and I have been discussing our great "As Seen on TV" idea and just how we would plan the infomercial.

Picture it: Sicily, 19...Wait. Sorry, I was reading from the wrong script.† Ok, let's try again.

Voiceover Guy: Has this ever happened to you? You settle in with your favorite drink and some Cheetos٭ in your chair in front of the TV. It's just you, your snacks and the game. You reach in, grab a handful of Cheetos and begin shoving them into your cavernous maw.

*We see our decidedly below-average Joe doing just that*

A few handfuls later, you wonder what's going on in the game on the other channel. You grab the remote, flip channels and, as you set it down, realize: Oh no! Everything is covered in Cheeto dust!

*Shot of remote with orange fingerprints.*

Frustrated, you look down at your hand and realize that what was once your hand is now encased in a Cheeto Glove.

*Shot of hand covered in more orange-colored, cheese-flavored coating than an entire bag of Cheetos could contain. *

Now your troubles are over thanks to this revolutionary new invention. No more reaching into the bag, only to come out with a disgusting mess.

*Clip of a woman reaching into a bag. She pulls her hand out, and it is covered in colored flavor dust from the bag. Close in on her face as she looks down at her hand, frowns and shakes her head in disgust.*

With our new patented SnackTongs!™ you get the all the flavor with none of the mess.

*Clip continues as the woman uses SnackTongs!™ to reach into the bag, pull out a single Cheeto and eat it. A face shot again as she looks at her clean hand, smiles and gives the camera a big "yes" head nod.*

That's right, your days of messy snacking are over. The revolutionary SnackTongs!™ can be yours for only 3 easy payments of $9.99‡. No more worries while eating Cheetos,

*Shot of a bag of Cheetos with a big red X over it.*

Doritos,

*Shot of a bag of Doritos with a big red X over it.*

Powdered Donuts,

*Shot of a bag of powdered donuts with a big red X over it.*

Mustard Flavored Pretzel Snacks,

*Shot of a bag of mustard flavored pretzels with a big red X over it.*

and so many other delicious snacks.

*Shot of all of the bags.*

Call or log on now and we'll double your order! That's 2 sets of SnackTongs!™, a $700.00 value, for only three easy payments of $9.99‡.

*Insert section with "inventor" discussing the importance of SnackTongs!™ and eating various fingerfoods with them in front of "studio audience."*

And if you call in the next 15 minutes, we'll knock off one of your payments! That's right. We're giving you two sets of the amazing SnackTongs!™ , worth over $800.00, for two, that's just two, low, low payments of $9.99‡. Don't miss out. Operators are standing by.

†Sorry. Those of you wanting to read my Golden Girls fanfic script will just have to wait for another time.

٭I realize that if we were to actually make this infomercial, we couldn't use Cheetos. We'd use a non-branded cheese flavored corn snack. If we tried to use Cheetos, Frito-Lay would sick Chester on us so fast we wouldn't know what hit us. Except that we would, because it was really fast, and therefore likely a cheetah.

‡Plus $349.99 Shipping and Handling. Offer not valid in Texas, Nebraska, Hawaii, Alaska, Iowa, New York, New Jersey, California, Rhode Island, Illinois, Michigan, Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, or outside of United States. Sorry Canadians, but you have to eat your mauve-colored Ketchup chips with your hands.