The Celery Stalks at Midnight

I promised recently that I would tell the my favorite elderly people at the supermarket story, and I shall. I also promised I'd do it on Friday, but you should all be used to me letting you down by this point. So, without further ado I give you a cautionary tale about missing your turn.

It all began simply, with a decision to run errands after work. The first errand was to return some DVDs we had rented to our local Hollywood Video. The second was to stop at Meijer, the dominant grocer in Michigan. After returning the DVDs, we decided that rather than try to turn left without a light onto one of the main roads at 5:00, we would take the back way to Meijer by passing through a neighborhood. We drove along, talking, until I realized that I had accidentally passed the road I wanted to take. We could either drive to the next connecting street, taking us several miles out of the way, or simply turn around. What a fateful choice this was.

Realizing my mistake, I turned into the next available driveway and prepared to back out and go back the way I had come. As I watched the traffic, looking for an opening, I noticed that in car was an elderly woman staring at us, as if awestruck. As she passed, she continued staring. She continued staring as she turned onto a side street and turned her car around. It seems that we had chosen her driveway as the convenient turn-around spot.

I found the break in traffic I had been waiting for, backed out into the street, and we were off again. We drove to the store and parked the car. It took us a couple of moments to locate the grocery list we had made, and by the time we exited the car another vehicle was pulling into a spot only two parking places away. (I'll respect your intelligence enough not to state the obvious and tell you who it was.) We were surprised but decided to dismiss the whole thing as a coincidence and continue with our shopping.

We wandered through the store, first browsing the produce section to see what was worth picking up. As I conducted my usual search for the perfect apple, we noticed that she was lingering not too far away. No big deal, right? The produce section is right by the front of the store and it's fairly large: still just coincidence.

We continued our shopping, and no matter where we went, she appeared not long after. She was on every aisle, yet never placed anything into her basket. We quickly finished up our shopping and left. (By finished up our shopping, I mean we decide that the whole thing was too creepy and that we'd go to the store tomorrow.) I don't know what she did once we left, but I feel quite sure that to this day if anyone were to rob or vandalize her home, she would give the police our license plate number and our descriptions and tell them about how we were "casing the joint" a while back.

Until later...

Senior Day?

On the way home this evening, we needed to stop by the grocery store to pick up chips and some limes to make guacamole (the avocados we had were ripe and rapidly moving past their peak). As we approached the entrance, we noticed a large number of elderly people walking out into the parking lot. Not thinking much of it we continued on into the store. There we were met with an entire store full of gray, white and blue-headed people. When I say that the customers in the store were old, I'm not using that in the completely incorrect, "everyone over 40 is old" sense. We're talking C. Montgomery Burns old here. At one point I decided that the MK and I were the only people in the store other than that kid with the bowl-cut that didn't remember the Lincoln assassination.

I'm not mentioning this to be unkind. I didn't have any problems with all of the elderly people...Well, there was the one woman almost ran me over with her little motorized cart. Twice. But other than that, it was just odd.

I'm still not sure what was going on. I thought that maybe today was a special Senior Quintuple Coupon Day, but I didn't see any ads. MK thinks that it was a singles event, like a Senior Citizen Meet & Greet. Judging by the way the greeter was flirting with some of the older women who walked in right behind us, she just might be right.

(Note: This has reminded me of my favorite story of elderly people and grocery stores, but that will have to wait for tomorrow.)

Until later...

Ugliest Dog Part 2

It turns out that Sam, the three time winner of ugliest dog, has his own website. In fact, he also has a blog. I suppose if any dog ever deserved a blog it's that one.

Until later...

The Second Dose of Trivia

The category: Movie Quotes.

In yesterday's post about the horrifying little rat-dog hybrid, I have embedded a quote from a movie. What is the quote and what is the movie. You must give both to get credit.

Update: Congratulations Invisible Lizard. At some point, I'm going to find a way to ask about a movie you haven't seen yet.

Until later...

The World's Ugliest Dog?

I love snopes.com. It's a great source for information on urban legends or lists of "facts" you get from forwarded emails. While browsing there, I came across a post about the winner of the World's Ugliest Dog competition. It seems that this dog has won for three consecutive years. Judging by the picture on the web page, no one has to bribe the judges to win that crown. Don't worry, I'll get to the picture in a minute.

A few reactions to the picture in my household:

"That's not alive!"

"I can't stop looking at it."

"I think it's a mummy."

"I didn't think it would be that hideous. I thought they were exaggerating, because nothing is that ugly."

"How could anyone love that?"

Are you ready?

Remember, there are some things that you see, and you can't unsee them.

When it haunts your dreams, don't say I didn't warn you.

Click here for the hideous beastie.

Trivial Tuesday

It is Tuesday, and that can only mean that I'm posting a trivia question rather than taking the time to actually write anything. Tonight's category is Star Wars minutiae (Herge, you'd best be paying attention).

The two-part Star Wars question: In the first Star Wars movie, which logically, of course, is Episode IV, Han Solo and Luke pretend to be Stormtroopers transferring Chewbacca from what cell block and what importance does that cell block have?

Follow the rules and win the right to brag.

Update: Congratulations to Herge who knew that Han and Luke were transferring Chewie from cell block 1138, a reference to THX-1138 the first film by George Lucas. With his new bragging rights, he should go from being an Angry Chimp to a Peaceful Primate.

Until later...

A Little Sympathy Please

Feel sorry for me.

I feel like I'm being mocked on both sides of the globe.


Until later...

Keep Hustlin'

In an attempt to prove that I am, in fact, a complete poser I went to see Hustle & Flow recently. If you are not familiar with this movie, it is the story of DJay (played by the simply phenomenal Terrence Howard), a Memphis pimp who is sick of his lot in life and decides to try to become a rap star like fellow Memphis native Skinny Black. Hustle & Flow was the winner of the Audience Award at this year's Sundance film festival.

DJay does not make the most sympathetic protagonist (he's a pimp, duh), but director Craig Brewer combines with Terrence Howard to let us see into the heart and soul of a man who no longer wants to be the one thing he has ever been. Nothing about Hustle & Flow is pretty, not the lives of the people in the film, nor the actions of those people, not the cinematography which helps to establish the dirty, gritty feel of living in this North Memphis neighborhood. As we delve deeper into DJay's world, we find that everyone wants more out of life and whether the dream is something new or one they had to give up years ago, it's up to each one of them to determine how to change their own lot in life.

While most of the other actors are overshadowed by Howard's performance, I was greatly surprised by the performance of Anthony Anderson as Key, DJay's former schoolmate who becomes his producer (Key usually just records court depositions, church choirs and high school recitals). If Anthony Anderson is capable of this, the next director to cast him in anything resembling Kangaroo Jack should be stripped of his DGA card.


It turns out that the Moviefone guy was right. Rather pathetic, but right.

Until later...

Book Review: Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince

Yep, it's a Harry Potter book.

Really, I'm not sure how else to review this one. I'm trying to avoid discussing the plot because there are plenty of people out there who may not have finished yet, and Rowling is almost as lawsuit-happy as George Lucas. Since the best way to talk about the book is to discuss the actual plot, what happened, why it happened and what will happen next, that's going to make this review pretty short.

The writing style is like the other HP books, no better, no worse. As a plot-driven children's book it is enjoyable, but like the others the characters are interesting mostly because we've been watching them for the past 6 years at their school.

If you liked the other Harry Potter books, you will like this one. If you didn't, then you probably won't bother to read this one anyway.

Until later...

Book Review: Brave New World

While I was updating the What am I Reading list on the sidebar, I realized that it still said that a review of Brave New World by Aldous Huxley was on its way. In the interest of time and getting something posted before I completely forget, I'm going to use parts of an email I wrote to the person who had first recommended the book to me. Hey, it's not plagiarism if you're copying yourself...it's just lazy.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the book, Brave New World is a book written in the 1930's about a dystopian society in the future. Rather than focus on space flight or massive technological advances, Huxley's book looks at societal changes. When we first see the society, everyone is happy and there really doesn't seem to be much to worry about. The citizens are broken up into castes (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon). A person is designated to be in a specific caste from the very beginning. Using developmental techniques and hypnopaedic training (repetition of the same phrases over and over during sleep), everyone was designed to be perfect for their specific caste and the jobs their caste performs. To prevent the society from suffering because of self-interest, no lasting relationships are ever formed. Marriage and all forms of pair-bonding are completely out, and it is the responsibility of everyone to be promiscuous and "have" as many people as possible. No children are ever born; they are all decanted from bottles in the state-run laboratories. Everyone is happy because they have been told that they are happy, and if they are not there is always the daily ration of soma, a mind-altering drug.

While reading the book, one thing I noticed repeatedly was the influence of communism/socialism in the "civilized" society. While Huxley did include some capitalist ideas (hypnopaedically enforced consumerism, for example), it seems that he might have been looking with fear toward the possibility of a communist society. After all, the removal of religion, stressing of the importance of only the society never the individual, the specific role for each person and the inability to change one's lot in life are all very similar to the Russia of that time (or at least what most in the west knew/were told about them even up through almost the end of the Cold War).

Many of the personality issues were interesting as well. To see the interactions of people who feel that they are different than the rest of society and how they deal with it: Helmholtz and his longing for something greater. Bernard and his bragging to make up for his physical shortcomings. To see the people who have been sheltered in such very different ways and the struggles to deal with the differences: Lenina (and most of the society) and John (the "savage"), who never was able to realize that everyone else didn't play by his rules.

The treatment of women was also very intriguing. In the entire book, I am not sure if we ever meet an Alpha female. Lenina is never specified, but I assumed that she was a beta. Whether we meet an alpha female or not, none of the extremely high ranking or high functioning people we meet are female. The fact that people can "have" whomever they want has not seemed to help their place either as all of the women are concerned about how good and how desirable they are. Bernard even points this out on a couple of occasions noting that the men only thought of them as meat and the women thought of themselves that way as well. Even in the perfect, everyone is happy, society there were still inequalities.

The Verdict:
Of course, in the end, we are supposed to realize that forced perfection and forced happiness are not real. The book was quite remarkable for the detail with which the society was laid out and the developments Huxley imagined in so early in the 20th century. In the end, I felt that, much like Fahrenheit 451, so much went into the development of the society and the social commentary of the story that the author tended to lose sight of the narrative toward the conclusion and end not with a bang, but a whimper. Fortunately, in both cases, this does little to diminish the book or prevent my recommendation of it.

Until later...

I'm No Super-genius...Or Are I?

I've noticed on several other blogs that people have been taking the Classic IQ test and posting the results. After a seeing it a few times, I became curious. I went to the site and looked around, and eventually I took the test (no, I'm not writing this to tell you about my score). With the test completed, it gave me my score and offered me the chance to buy a detailed report about my intelligence. As I turned down my chance to spend $20 to get to know myself better, I had to wonder whether the site gives everyone the same score and then asks them for a credit card number for more details. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just a cynic.

Until later...

Master of The Obvious

We were sitting in the house last night trying to plan out some meals for the rest of the week (thus helping to resist the temptation to pick up dinner on the way home or order pizza). Our neighbors, apparently inspired by the recent thunderstorm, had begun setting off fireworks again. As we progressed from the sound of thunder to the sound of explosions, we suddenly heard a much louder and much closer bang outside the house. I jumped up, saying, "That wasn't fireworks!"

We put our shoes on and ran outside. There on the roof, directly above our bedroom, was a remarkably large limb, recently liberated from the tree next to the house. As we stood out there staring in wonder at the botanical assault on our home (fortunately, it appears there was no damage), three different sets of neighbors came out of their homes to investigate the noise. Well, to be completely accurate two neighbors came out of their homes, and one staggered up from his boat on the lake shore, shirtless, beer in hand, completely drunk. As the drunken neighbor staggered up, another neighbor looked up at the roof, took a drag on his cigarette and said, "You know, you've got a tree on your house."

Thanks. You're a big help.


Until later...

The Second Dose of Trivia

More trivia today. The category: science, or food, or food science, or food manufacturing, or something else...It doesn't matter, just answer the question.

Have you ever noticed that when you buy a bag of potato chips from the grocery store the bag seems very puffy. It's pillow shaped, almost as if it's been inflated like a balloon. Obviously, this makes the bags look bigger and stretches out the labeling so that you see the entire thing, but there must be some other reason.

What's in there and why?

All the usual rules apply. Have fun.

Update: Congratulations to Becki who gave the correct answer last night. Unfortunately, it just took me a while to get around to posting about it here. Sorry to be so slow, but there's been too much going on.


Until later...

Trivial Tuesday

Back to movies once again for this week's question. In fact, let's go with classic films and an actress for whom there is no modern day equivalent.

Audrey Hepburn played one of her most famous characters in the 1961 film, Breakfast at Tiffany's. One of her most famous roles, but off the top of my head I would say that I prefer My Fair Lady (later remade-ish with Freddie Prinze, Jr. and it doesn't really matter because everyone changes the channel as soon as they see Freddie Prinze, Jr.), Sabrina (later remade with Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond) and Charade (later remade with Marky Mark-sans Funky Bunch-and Thandie Newton), and I haven't even seen Roman Holiday (no, I'm not proud, but it's the truth). Anyway, my feelings aside, the role of Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's is considered by many to be one of, if not the defining role of Hepburn's career. However, Holly Golightly was not the actual name of her character in this movie. What was Holly's real name?

Post the answer in comments section, then point and laugh at the other contestants.

Update: Congratulations to Invisible Lizard, who can't simply be stopped, even when he's traveling. Holly Golightly was indeed a pseudonym for Lula Mae Barnes.

I Don't Know What's Going On With The Papayas

We were in our local grocery store recently getting a few items as well as trying to decide what to have for dinner that night. As we looked through the produce section, I came across the following sign:

We are so proud of the Freshness and Quality of our produce that we offer you a
Double Guarantee. We work hard to bring you the freshest produce available and
stand behind it with our Double Satisfaction Guarantee! If for any reason, you
are not 100% satisfied with any produce item, we will gladly replace the item
AND refund your money.

Kramer would be pleased.


Until later...

Three Quick Movie Reviews

In The Beginning, Or Saving Gotham From Joel Schumacher.

I was able to get away from work a little early on Friday and MK and I were able to spend an evening out for the first time in a long time (note the dearth of recent movie reviews on this site). While we were out we went to see Batman Begins. It's been out for a while, so I'm not exactly breaking new ground by reviewing it here, but I'll do it anyway.

I'll not lie to you and tell you that I my expectations weren't high going in. I had heard enough positive things about the movie that I was fairly sure that it wouldn't disappoint. And it didn't. I'm trying to keep all of these short, so I won't go on about how good most of the acting was and how much better the tone of the film was. Batman shouldn't be happy; Bruce Wayne saw his parents murdered in front of him as a child and has blamed himself ever since then.

Highlights: Cillian Murphy as Dr. Crane/Scarecrow (Invisible Lizard pointed out he was a bit young for the part, but I think Murphy did a great job even so.) Michael Caine as the moral compass and grounding force to Bale's Bruce Wayne. The techniques used in many of the fights with Batman attacking thugs early in his crimefighting career. Nolan's Batman wanted to be feared, to make the criminals know what it was like to be truly afraid. As you watch several of the fights, you see Batman attacking the criminals individually and silently, while the others cower. Nolan uses techniques that would not be out of place in a slasher film to set the atmosphere and develop the sense of fear and confusion felt by Batman's opponents.

Lowlights: Katie Holmes. Sorry Katie, but you just didn't belong. Your story was the weakest part of the plot and you didn't really look like an assistant D.A.

Of all of the recent comic book movies, this one is my favorite. (Yes, I realize that I'm now contradicting myself.) I also noticed that, while David Goyer has insisted that this was not a version of Frank Miller's Batman: Year One, it certainly contains a lot of similarities...but that's a good thing.

Taste A Snozberry; It Tastes Like Snozberry.

On Saturday, we took MK's mom to the theater to see Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. A few brief things that I felt were better than the 1971 version with Gene Wilder: (1) less songs, (2) Charlie's mother didn't sing a song, (3) the Oompa Loompa's were not orange (4) Johnny Depp as the child-like yet completely insane Willy Wonka, (5) like the book, Charlie was the title character and was treated as such. Freddie Highmore did a great job as Charlie Bucket, and John August did an excellent job of updating some of the children's stereotypes and fatal flaws while staying true to the story.

Just like the original version, the end product is visually stunning. So much so, in fact, that it may take away from how good or bad the film itself was.

Though they may not be orange any longer, the Oompa Loompas still disturb me. Perhaps it's that they are even smaller this time. Perhaps it's all the singing and dancing. Perhaps it's the innumerable Oompa Loompas all played by a single person. I'm guessing it's mostly because they've got a song for every tragedy the instant it happens.

Oh, and Christopher Lee is awesome.

Oddly, I have seen many reviews complaining about how dark it was. Have these people watched the Gene Wilder version? Just because everyone sings, doesn't mean it's happier. Willy Wonka is a nutjob who does nothing while children are endangered, then essentially abuses Charlie to "test" him, not to mention that he scares all the children and their guardians half to death along the way.

Ray.

We rented this a while back, but didn't watch it until last night, because we forgot we had it. In fact, when I say we rented it a while back I mean we rented it back when we rented Spiderman 2. Yeah, that long ago. With the late fees we're going to owe, we could have bought both movies. Oh, the review, right...I liked it, but didn't love it.

Until later...

Burger King, Amazon.com & The Not-So-Fantastic Four Game

As with many big summer movies, there is an incredible amount of hype surrounding Fantastic Four. Along with the release of the movie, comes an interminable number of product tie-ins.

One of these tie-ins is a game currently going on at Burger King. When you buy a meal at BK, you receive a Fantastic Four Amazon Cash Card. These gift cards contain a code that will be worth between $1 and $10000 in Amazon store credit. When I went into Burger King to pick up dinner the other night, I ordered the food, paid and waited while they bagged everything. When they gave me the order, I realized that I had not received my amazon cards and on the off chance that I might win an enormous shopping spree, I inquired about them. The employees seemed perplexed by the concept and some of them openly admitted that they didn't know anything about the contest (Nice work on the training there, Burger King.) Eventually, the lone employee with a clue, came over and handed me a stack of cards. It seems that since neither the employees nor the patrons are particularly well-informed about this game not many of the cards are being handed out. When I returned home, I counted the cards she had handed me (I had ordered two meals, entitling me to two cards) and found that there were eighteen of them. We entered the codes online, and, unsurprisingly, all of them were $1 values, but if someone gives me twenty bucks of Amazon store credit, I'll take it...gladly.

We began wondering what to buy, after all there are plenty of things to buy on amazon, most of which cost well over the eighteen dollars. As we looked around more and more we found the following bit of clarification:

Q. If I have multiple Cash Cards, can I add all of their values together?
A. No. You can collect more than one Amazon credit, but Amazon Credit is not accumulative, which means you cannot add Amazon Credits together.
So we don't have eighteen dollars in Amazon store credit, we have eighteen separate $1 credits...because that's useful.

Until later...

The Fount of Useless Information Exercise Program (Part 3)

Well, we've pretty much covered most of the Fount of Useless Information Exercise Program, but we have to look at the subject of motivation. If you're going to get into shape you have to have something to keep you going. Invisible Lizard came up with a pretty good idea today, and he's not too far off the mark for Part 3 of our program. (If you need a refresher, here are Parts 1 and 2.)

1. After repeatedly determining that you will "start tomorrow", realize that you need some sort of motivation to make yourself exercise.
1.1. Be impressed with yourself for still being able to say you will start tomorrow with a straight face, even after all this time.

2. Go to your local library and select an enjoyable sounding audiobook. Books on CD are preferable to tapes, as tapes will complicate the process.

3. Return home and place the audiobook CD into the CD-ROM drive of your computer.

4. Rip the audiobook and save as MP3 files.

5. Place MP3's of book on the hard drive of iPod or other portable music device.

6. Rid yourself of distractions: television, dog, significant other, etc.

7. Attach iPod (or other suitable device) to clothing, armband or lanyard to stabilize.
7.1. Attach earphones to iPod (or other suitable device) and place buds of earphones into your ears.
7.2. Set MP3 player to play audiobook.
7.3. Press play.

8. Utilize elliptical walking machine according to owner's manual.

9. Enjoy exercising while rewarding yourself with listening to an audiobook.¹

10. When the book is complete return the CDs to the library.
10.1. While at the library, fill out the questionnaire on audiobooks, making sure to mark the box by MP3 for preferred future choice for Talking Books.
10.2. Remove and discard MP3 files of audiobook, taking with them the overwhelming guilt that would come from keeping a copy of the audiobook.

11. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

There you have it my friends. There is a way to get motivation, all you have to do is find yours. All you have to do now is implement the plan. I, unfortunately, tend to get stuck at the end of step 7 of Part 3, with only occasional ventures into step 8 territory. I've really got Part 1 and Part 2 down though.

Until later...




¹ This method also works with Playstation 2 gameplay as motivation, a method employed by The Fount of Useless Information in the past. A few notes on this variation must be made.

A. Controllers must reach from the PS2 to the elliptical without significant stretching.
B. Even if the controllers reach without any problems, you must be careful to avoid getting the cords of the controllers entangled in and moving parts.
C. A suitable game must be used. The Fount personally recommends any in the EA Sports NCAA Football series.
D. As both hands are occupied utilizing a controller rather than using the handles of the elliptical trainer, balance is key. While moving your body will not help your players avoid getting tackled in the game, it may make you fall off of the elliptical trainer, possibly causing injury or, worse, humiliation.

Youthful Indiscretions Part II

Since Laziest Girl sparked this line of thought with her post today, and since we here at The Fount firmly believe that confession is good for the soul...or a laugh, if nothing else (people's exhibits A, B, C, and D), The Fount of Useless Information proudly presents a follow up to the earlier post about music that I'm ashamed to have liked as a child:

Youthful Indiscretions Part II: The Cinema

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Oh yeah. I cannot tell you how many times I saw this in the theater. I loved this movie more than I can express, although the fact that the number of times I saw it was in the double digits helps express it a little bit. It also helps show that this was at a time when I either didn't pay my own way to the movies or didn't have anything better to spend my money on.

The Karate Kid. Never mind that Daniel-San and Mr. Miyagi had the beginnings of a uber creepy relationship. Never mind that his mom picked up and moved them to California for what really appeared to be no reason. Never mind the line, "Sweep the leg" which might have been the least menacing villain line in cinematic history. This movie made me go around singing "You're the best...Around!" for the next three years. And was Daniel always that whiny or did he get worse as I got older.

The Karate Kid II. See comments above, only now the relationship with Mr. Miyagi has progressed to the point that Daniel wants to travel across the globe with him. What, you didn't feel that way about your teachers? Also, when this movie came out, the theater was oversold and many people had to stand throughout the entire film. Looking back, that makes me really sad.

Top Gun. I only have two thoughts on this one. Did we really all think that this was good when it first came out? And this movie is without a doubt the source of all of those rumors that Tom Cruise will sue you for mentioning. While we are talking about Tom Cruise...

A Few Good Men. I really, really loved this movie. If I watch it now it looks like an overacting competition between Cruise and Jack Nicholson. However, with Demi Moore, Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Keifer Sutherland, Noah Wyle, Cuba Gooding Jr., Kevin Pollack, and of course Kevin Bacon it can help you play a mean game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Anything with Corey and Corey. Actually that should be anything with Corey and Corey, other than The Lost Boys. There are some movies from my youth that I will not allow to be disparaged: Lost Boys, Goonies, Real Genius, Ghostbusters (just the first one, you can say whatever you want about that one...I might even join in.).

That's just a small sampling. It's not an all-inclusive list, but it's enough to be traumatic. I hope you all enjoyed my humiliation. Please join in the fun by telling us all about your "I can't believe I used to like this" movies.

Until later...You can be my wingman anytime

The Fount of Useless Information Exercise Program (Part 2)

Once you have completed phase one of the plan, it's time to move on to the more advanced program.

1. After realizing that you will not partake in any outdoor physical activity, purchase an elliptical trainer or other walking device.

2. Determine to get up extra early to walk.

3. Calculate how early you need to get up to spend sufficient time exercising.

4. Set alarm clock appropriately.
4.1. Hit snooze.
4.2. Hit snooze.
4.3. Hit snooze.
4.4. Hit snooze.
4.5. Turn off alarm clock and realize that you are already late for work.

5. Decide that after work in the evening is a better time for exercise.

6. Arrive home from work, exhausted.

7. Order pizza and throw yourself into recliner.

8. Eat pizza, watch TV and go to bed.

9. Start tomorrow.

Make sure to get part 2 down perfectly because part three is on its way soon. In part three, it's all about motivation. If you follow all three sections of The Fount of Useless Information Exercise Program, I guarantee¹ you will see results.

Until later...


¹Guarantee is not guaranteed.

The Fount of Useless Information Exercise Program (Part 1)

1. Decide to go for a walk/run outside.

2. Determine if the weather is appropriate for outdoor activity.

2.1. If outdoor temperature is greater than 90 degrees¹ or greater than 80 degrees¹ with a relative humidity greater than 50%, wait for a better day.
2.2. If outdoor temperature is less than 65 degrees¹, wait for a better day.
2.3. If wind speeds are greater than 8 mph², wait for a better day.
2.4. If chance of precipitation is greater than 60%, wait for a better day.

3. If weather is acceptable for outdoor activity, go outside and prepare for activity.

4. Realize that outdoor activity will allow neighbors to see you, exposing you to all forms of scorn and ridicule, both real and imagined.

5. Retreat to the relative safety of your home.

If you follow this plan, you should be in top physical shape in no time.

Until later...

¹Approximately 32, 27 and 18 degrees, respectively for the more metrically inclined of my readers.

²Approximately 13 kph, again for those of you who have not yet converted from the metric system to infinitely more logical US Customary/Imperial Units.

A Second Dose of Trivia...An Attempt to Appease Aurora

Last week's Trivial Tuesday received a comment insisting that questions should be posted more often. Since we love nothing more than to keep our readership happy and intact, this week has not only Trivial Tuesday, but also Wednesday Quizday ...What's The Answer Wednesday...you know what forget the name, just answer the question.

With the impending release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince today's subject will be children's literature. Not long after the initial release of the first Harry Potter novel, another author unsuccessfully sued J.K. Rowling for copyright infringement due to certain surface similarities of their respective works. Who was this author of Larry Potter stories?

Answer first and crown yourself today's king or queen of trivia.

Update: Somebody's on a roll. Two days, two questions, one winner. Congratualtions to Becki for knowing the answer to today's question, Nancy Stouffer.

Until later...

Sign That I Am A Nerd #509

I was getting ready to go to work this morning and during a commercial break from our local newscast, an ad for gum came on. The ad was for Hubba Bubba Max cherry-lemonade flavored gum and involved an animated polar bear telling us about the wonders of the new flavor of gum. As he spoke, there were two penguins behind him looking at (and eventually getting their tongues frozen to) the North Pole.

I almost immediately exclaimed, "What are those penguins doing there? They're at the wrong pole. There aren't any penguins north of the Equator. They all live in the Southern Hemisphere."

So, the bear can talk and chew gum, but the penguins can't be at the North Pole. I'm such a dork.


Until later...

Trivial Tuesday

Trying to step away from TV and movies for at least the occasional question here on Trivial Tuesday, this weeks category is Cryptozoology.

It seems that every part of the world has its own legend about mysterious creatures that avoid detection except by people with remarkably shaky cameras. The hirsute hominid is one of the most common of these legends, showing up in tales of Sasquatch, Yeti and others. Even Florida has its own version. What is the bigfoot-like cryptid roaming the wilds of Florida?

Answer and claim bragging rights for the week.

And for the record, the Fount of Useless Information's favorite cryptid is the horrifying Mongolian Death Worm.

Update: Congratulations to Becki who, even after living through the trauma of a car accident yesterday, knew that the smelly cryptid stalking the forests of Florida is the Skunk Ape. I suppose I would have to have accepted orangutan as well since the pictures of the skunk ape look suspiciously like any orangutan pictures from a zoo. Not that I'm a skeptic of any sort.

Until later...

I Can't Look Away

This weekend, I came into the living room while MK was watching television. To my horror, she had stopped flipping channels on MTV, which was showing a new reality show. As is my habit when either MTV or reality television are on, I scoffed with great derision.

As I sat to put on my socks and shoes so that I could go to the grocery store and library, I began to watch this strange phenomenon unfold in front of me. It seems that this show has a special twist that makes it different than every other reality show...this show is The 70's House. That's right, it's a group of late-teen early-twenty somethings having to live as if they were in the 1970's, complete with rotary phones, bad clothing and the Hustle. Yes, the Hustle. Whenever a special buzzer goes off, the housemates have to stop whatever they are doing (talking on the phone, eating, sleeping or showering) and do the Hustle. (Don't act like you aren't currently singing that as you read.) Like every other reality show we have competitions, rewards and eliminations. The competition this week was to split into two teams and play a high school basketball team. The team who scored the most points (2 to the other teams 0) won a fondue party while the other team had to deal with elimination. Sadly, the remarkably sheltered MTV crowd was completely perplexed by the concept of fondue and as they ate, one of the housemates exclaimed "That tastes like no cheese I've ever had." While our winners cringed at the idea of eating something that didn't come from McDonalds, our losers had to find out who will be eliminated. As it turns out, two members of the losing team were put up for elimination because they were not maintaining the illusion of the 70's (one used the terms "awesome" and "ballers", the other talked about how he wanted Botox). To determine who was to leave, there was only one option: a winner take all game of Operation.

As the show progressed, I repeatedly mocked the show, the idea and the people. Eventually, MK told me that if it was really so bad, I should stop watching it. I was quite offended and stormed out of the house and off to the library...just as soon as the show ended.


Until later...

The Population of The Malibu Trailer Park Is Growing Exponentially

Oh no! There reportedly might be two of them!

Book Review: Year of The Hyenas

Two book reviews in one day. You should all feel very privileged...or bored.

Year of the Hyenas by Brad Geagley is based on an intriguing concept. Take your typical detective story and transport it through time. Drop the story back in ancient Egypt, specifically in the city of Thebes. The idea, as I said, is interesting. The problem is that without strong writing and an interesting story, it is still just a typical mystery novel with a more exotic setting.

The story is that of Semerket, the former Secretary of Investigations and Secrets. I say former, because his wife has left him and married another man, driving him to become a drunk who was no longer able to hold his job. After a priestess is murdered and dumped in the Nile, the vizier has no choice but turn to the drunk, who, based on his former reputation, is the only man who can solve the case. As is to be expected, nothing is as it seems, and the conspiracy reaches to the highest levels of government. Does any of this sound familiar yet? Save for the considerably more literal than usual deus ex machina toward the end, this novel was a virtual blueprint for the generic detective novel.

The verdict: While the plot, characters and tone of Year of the Hyenas were not innovative, the book is still interesting enough, in both the novelty of its setting and in story, to make it worth the time I spent reading it. Of course, it didn't take that long to read it, either.


Until later...

Book Review: The Historian

I was first attracted to Elizabeth Kostova's novel The Historian when I heard a story on NPR that mentioned that it had been purchased for just over two million dollars, a record for a first novel. I needed to know what made publishing companies feel it was worth that. I assumed that, like most of the works gaining media recognition, it would turn out to be over-hyped and under-written. Happily, it was not the next Da Vinci Code as many had promised, but rather an intricate weaving of story with history, of lives with life.

Our story is told to us by a nameless narrator, the sixteen year old daughter of an American diplomat living in Amsterdam. As she recounts the story, she pulls from not only her own experience but also from the letters of her father, her mother and her father's mentor Bartholomew Rossi. Using these letter and this perspective, the story unfolds in three separate timelines: Rossi's initial discovery (1930), the story of her mother and father (1950's), and her own quest to discover the truth (1972). She finds a strange book in her father's library; it is blank save for a woodcut in the center depicting a dragon holding a banner with a single word: Drakulya. Inside the book, she finds a letter dated 1930 that begins..."My dear and unfortunate successor."

The book then leads us on chase after chase to track down Dracula. As we travel from America to Turkey to Romania and Bulgaria, we learn not only of the significance of the Dracula legend in these places, but about the lives of our characters.

While on the surface, it is a novel about Dracula, in the end we are left with the story of a young girl examining the forces that shaped her life. The same obsession is passed on from generation to generation, an obsession that took away her loved ones before she ever had a chance to know them and threatened to take all that she had. Then with the discovery of a book and a letter, the obsession is hers as well.

The verdict: While Kostova's novel did not reveal the meaning of life or give greater depth to any particular topic, the writing was done quite well, especially for a first novel. Each character was given a distinct personality and a purpose behind his or her actions. The story was intricately detailed, but still easily understood. I enjoyed the book and feel that it was more than worth my time and was certainly better than most popular fiction...though I'm not sure about $2,000,000 though.

Until later...

Say Hello to My Little Blog

The AFI recently released their top 100 movie quotes of the past 100 years. As many of you well know, there are few things I love better than a good movie quote. If I can find a way to slip an especially appropriate or amusing line from a movie into a conversation (I'm actually quite jealous of the one at the top of Invisible Lizard's page, because I didn't think of it first), you can almost guarantee that I will. This means, of course that I have a few thoughts of my own on the AFI list. Strangely enough, no one asked my opinion before publishing the list; I still can't figure that out.

My rules are similar, though not identical to the AFI rules: The quotes need to be recognizable, not only in context, but out of context as well. The larger the impact on pop culture or the greater the inroads the quote has made into everyday life the higher it should rank. Just because I like a quote doesn't mean that it should be on the list. Obscure quotes, while fun, don't make the list because of the lack of impact on culture.

First let's address the most egregious of inclusions, numbers 98 and 100 respectively. Typically, if a quote is cringe-worthy it shouldn't be on a great quotes list. Sadly both "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" and "I'm king of the world" fit this category. Surely there were 2 other worthy quotes in the group of 400 up for consideration.

There are even some quotes that I love, but have to admit that they don't really belong. For example, a quote should be famous because of the movie, not because of the book that came long before the movie. While Peter Jackson turned Lord of The Rings into a remarkable trilogy and Andy Serkis gave Gollum life I would not have thought possible outside of the imagination of readers, "My precious" was around long before Jackson had even turned Kate Winslet into a murderer. There are even some of us who are just nerdy enough that we have been saying "What does it have in its pocketses?" for years.

Going through the list there were some that I thought simply had to be in the top 10 that weren't. I'm not sure what I would have removed to put them there, but I know they have to be in the top 10. The big example here: Number 17. "Rosebud." Its meaning in the film is one of the worst kept secrets in the history of cinematic final act reveals. It is quoted and referenced by people who have never seen a single frame of the movie. Not to mention that it is (potentially) a fairly offensive reference to the basing of Charles Foster Kane on William Randolph Hearst.

A few other thoughts as I peruse the list:

Casablanca is the film found most often on the list, and for good reason. I must wonder, however, how "I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!" or "I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray; you wore blue." were left off the list.

Number 28. "Play it, Sam. Play "As Time Goes By." and Number 36 "Badges? We ain't got not badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking' badges!" are both deserving inclusions on the list, but are probably two of the most often misquoted lines in cinema.

Jerry Maguire managed to get two quotes on the list. I'm not sure which is more upsetting seeing "Show me the money!" at number 25 or "You had me at 'Hello'" at number 52. While more people annoyingly quoted (and shouted) "show me the money", I'm leaning toward "you had me at hello", because it makes me think of Renee Zellweger squinting at the camera in every film she's ever been in.

Numbers 66 "Get your stinking paws off me you damned dirty ape" and 77 "Soylent Green is people" really work much better if you read them aloud in full Charlton Heston mode. Otherwise, they lose most of the impact.

Number 61 "Say hello to my little friend": Certainly the right choice from Scarface, but also probably the only quote from the movie that could have made this quasi-family friendly list. Well that or "Hey pelican, pelican. Fly pelican."

Number 40 "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what your going to get." I have little to say about this quote, other than that it is impossible to even read it without hearing it in the voice Tom Hanks used. About the movie itself, I will say that everytime I see it I like it less.

One more Casablanca quote. Number 32 is, as far as I can tell, the only quote to have inspired the title of a movie in the IMDB top 20. (As an aside, I just noticed that Schindler's List has moved past Casablanca on the all-time ratings list. It's a traveshamockery!)

Number 78 "Open the pod bay doors, HAL." If you are going to have only one quote from 2001, how could this be it over "Just what do you think you are doing, Dave?"

I could keep going for much longer. It's really amazing to look at the list and realize how many of these things you here in everyday life on a fairly frequent basis.

I may have to revisit this subject soon and talk about favorite movie quotes, which is somewhat different than "greatest movie quotes of all time."

What about you? What do you think should have made the list, been higher on the list or been left off the list altogether? (Two suggestions: "I'm Spartacus" "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.")

Until later...

Trivial Tuesday

With the long weekend and everything else that has been going on, I almost forgot this week. In honor of yesterday's holiday, today's question is inspired by Independence Day...vaguely.

Long before he was the President of the United States (but after he saved the universe as Lone Starr), Bill Pullman was Walter, the guy who lost Meg Ryan to Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle. Walter had serious allergies including one that would make his head "swell up like a watermelon" and cause him to "drop dead." What was this serious allergy to?

Post the answer in the comments section and win bragging rights for a week.


Until later...

Celebrate The Independence of Your Nation By Blowing Up a Small Part of It

It's the Fourth of July and that means a few different things.

First, it means people are setting off fireworks all day and all night. (And it looks like it's not just here.) This one, obviously was the inspiration for the Simpsons quote in the title.

Second, it means that it's a great time to toss a slab of deceased bovine on the grill and have a cook-out.

In fact, I'm smoking a brisket right now. The problem with smoking the brisket is that, while there is an incredible amount of time when nothing is going on, there are still things that must be done (check on the fire, check on the wood chips, go out and apply the mop) that will prevent anything else from being done at the same time. This leaves one with an incredible amount of time for self-contemplation or, in my case, to worry about the food. Is the fire too hot? Is it still going? I'm using applewood instead of hickory, will that taste as good? Did I make the spice rub properly? This is why even if it involves no more activity than sitting around, cooking exhausts me.

I hope you are all having a happy, stress free Fourth of July.

Until later...

More Fun With Statcounter

There has been plenty of discussion of statcounter on various blogs recently. I've even talked about it here before. One of the great things about it is that I can look at who has been reading the site and where they are located. For some people, I can even tell if they are reading from home or from work. The IPs belong to a different name or they come through a different city. If someone comments, I can often compare the hits from the commenting to the name and figure out just who is who (if I don't know already). The problem comes when there is a repeat visitor and I have no idea who they are or where they are coming from. They might be someone who's commented before and I missed matching location to name they might simply be a lurker.

For example, places that show up fairly often:

Las Vegas: 2 people. Know who it is.

Boston: Know who it is.

Missouri: Know who that is too.

Oregon: Pretty sure of this one.

Thousand Oaks, California: Yep.

New York, NY: One frequent visitor reading from work.

Bronx, NY: Multiple people on one IP. Know who that is.

Nashville, TN: I know who this is, and they are not in Nashville.

Dayton, OH: Here is the outlier. It would appear that someone at Wright State is reading. I don't think I know anyone there. I don't remember seeing a commenter that matched this. So Mr. or Ms. Wright State, if you're still reading, please comment. My OCD is getting out of control, and I may not be able to sleep until I can figure this out.

Ah, statcounter. More addictive than any street drug.


Until later...

It's All About Meme

You do one meme and everybody starts thinking your that type of guy. Today's meme was passed along to me by Aurora. I'll try to answer the best I can, but once again I don't like being too personal, so I might not take things too seriously.

I had to work on this in stages because I can't think of answers fast enough, so if it seems disjointed, that would be why. Well, that or my poor transitional writing abilities.

The 3's Meme

Three Nicknames - You don't get my real name on the site, so you won't get any nicknames either. Sorry. It doesn't really matter I have absolutely no nicknames to which I will still answer. Well, I'm starting off well.

Three Things I Like About Myself - My sense of humor, My ability to get along with people, My ability to get out of Best Buy without buying anything (Ok, so I can't actually do that.)

Three Things That Scare Me - Heights, Rejection and Failure

Three Everyday Essentials - A plan, music for driving, a good friend to talk to

Three Things I'm Wearing Right Now - Why is it this question feels a little creepy to me? White broadcloth button-up shirt (because when it comes to shirt fabrics, I don't like oxford), charcoal gabardines, remarkably large black cap-toe oxfords desperately in need of a good shining. What? It's almost time to go to work. Now you know I'm just as boring in real life as I am online. (and knowing is half the battle.)

Three Fave Bands Growing Up - This depends entirely on the time period defined as "growing up." I'm not so sure that I'm not still doing that. Let's go with Boyz II Men, Pearl Jam and Nirvana

2 Truths and a Lie - I'm left-handed, I like myself, I am a published author.

Three Things I Can't Do Without - My UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs sweatshirt, iPod, books

Three Things I Can Certainly Live Without - This extra weight I'm carrying around, yardwork, people who call meetings at 10:30 Friday mornings for 1:30 Friday afternoon

Three Places I Want to Go On Vacation - London, New Orleans, To This (though right now I'd take just about anywhere)

Three Things I Want to Do Before I Die - Win on Jeopardy, Learn a foreign language, Become really good at something

Since this whole thing has been about threes, I'll pass it on to three people: Laziest Girl, Invisible Lizard and MK

I hope they have fun and have an easier time than I did.

Until later...