So You Want to be a Microbiologist?

Since it seems that everything that can be done can be turned into a reality competition with a fairly simple formula, I thought I'd give my field a try. Through a little creative writing exercise, let's try to find out what would happen if we asked the question, "So You Want to be a Microbiologist?"

The basic formula for shows like this involves a group of finalists competing in front of three judges: the acerbic British judge, the apparently stoned female judge who loves everyone, the has-been judge with too many catchphrases. After performing for the judges, the contestants receive votes from the home audience and the contestant with the fewest votes is sent home. Simple, right? Let's check in on our competition.

We're down to the final four, and the heat is on. In fact, the heat is really on this week because our theme for the week is "thermophiles." All our contestants had to perform an experiment using an organism that grows at temperatures above 50°C. They have finished their experiments and now must present the results to the judges.

Our first contestant is Sergei: "I really like to isolate new organisms from the environment, so I chose to try to find an undiscovered bug. I went to the hot springs near my home town, collected water and mud specimens and incubated them together in this glass column to see what would grow. Eventually, I found a new organism that I call Sergius realityteveeus."

Acerbic British Judge: "You found something new and that was the best name you could come up with? I certainly hope your plans for what to do with the organism show more imagination."

Sergei: "I really didn't have plans. I just thought finding it was enough."

ABJ: "Well, for your sake, I hope the audience agrees, because I don't."

Stoned Female Judge: "Wooo. Touchdown! You went out there to isolate something new, and you did it. You found it, and you made it your own."

Has Been Judge: "I don't know. You did what you wanted to, but I just don't know if that's enough for me."

Sergei: "Ok, thank you."

Well, the judges weren't too sure about Sergei, so let's see what they think of our next contestant, Louis.

Louis: "This was a rough round for me. Thermophiles really aren't my thing, but I think I did well. I took an ordinary yeast used for making wine and exposed it to gradually higher and higher temperatures. I was hoping that if I kept trying, I'd select for a mutant that could grow at extremely high temperatures, and hopefully ferment faster at that high temperature. I found what I was looking for, patented it and sold it to the highest bidder. It makes a 100 proof wine in 45 minutes."

ABJ: "Well, you really are a money-grubbing fellow aren't you? Is the science itself not good enough for you?"

SFJ: "100 proof? Do you have any of the wine with you?"

Louis: "Actually, yes. I brought a few bottles in case I needed to show you guys proof."

SFJ: "Woo. Proof! Ha! Ha! You are exactly what this competition is all about. Now give me a bottle!"

HBJ: "I don't know man. You did what you said you were going to, but I just don't
know if that's gonna work for me."

Louis: "Didn't you say that to the last guy?"

HBJ: "No, not quite."

Louis: "Ok, thank you."

Alright, the judges seem to have mixed feelings about Louis as well. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the stage...Toni!

Toni: "Good evening. I hope you enjoy my presentation. I wanted to show the audience the beauty of these organisms, so I collected a sample from a deep sea vent and examined the various organisms under a microscope and took photographs of each of them. Look at how amazing they are."

ABJ: "You looked through a microscope and took pictures? Well, I see Sergei's chances improving."

SFJ: "Oh! Those are wonderful. Those pictures are almost as beautiful as you. You shine down on this competition and illuminate us all."

HBJ: "It's not really my thing, you know. I just wasn't feeling it."

Some really harsh words from the judges. At least those who are still in full control of their faculties. Our final contestant for the evening is Robert. Take it away.

Robert: "This was a much more environmental thing than I'm used to. I prefer to stick with more clinical stuff, but I jumped right in any way. I searched through a bunch of isolates until I found one that made an undiscovered antibiotic. I patented it and am planning to sell it to a company that can use it to help society...and
make me rich."

ABJ: "Well, another money-grubber on our hands. At least you found something useful."

SFJ: "Does your new wonder drug do anything for hangovers?"

HBJ: "You did your thing. I just hope it's enough, man."

Robert: "Right, thanks."

And there you have it folks, our four finalists. Unfortunately, one of them has to go and through the magic of entirely made up votes, it looks like...Oh in an unprecedented double elimination, both Sergei and Toni will be leaving us. Sergei, you really bore us all, so this isn't much of a surprise, and to be honest it doesn't bug me at all.

Sergei: "Wha--I--Umm"

Exactly, Toni do you have anything to say?

Toni: "I followed my dream, and I have no regrets. For everyone else out there, now you go follow your dreams."

Well, Sergei's sulking, and Toni's crying like a baby, so it must be time to wrap this thing up. Tune in next time for another fake episode of So You Want to be a Microbiologist.

Hmm...maybe some things are best left to singing, juggling, cooking, dancing, designing clothes, modeling, comedy, writing films, directing films, running around the world, and eating live insects.

Until later...