Crouching Tiger, Hidden D.I.Y.

With the arrival of the first summer after purchasing a house, we've been spending a lot of time at Home Depot. I've never really loved going to home improvement stores since the entire store is one big reminder of everything you need to do instead of enjoying your life. If the amount of time spent in the store and on projects inspired by the store are not enough, I can always worry about the money spent on all those projects. Each aisle we turn down rings with the sound of a cash register total growing exponentially. With visions of six-foot long receipts dancing in my head, I struggle to remain calm. Since I can't apply Homer's advice to Bart when he was sent to fat camp ("Leave your body. Become emotionally dead."), I have to find a different way to cope.

As I stroll from aisle to aisle, I look at the various things we could purchase and wonder how useful they would be if someone were to suddenly attack me in the middle of Home Depot. Would this shovel be of more use than the 4-pound sledgehammer? It's as if I'm choreographing a really bad Jackie Chan movie.^1.

I'm not sure who these people are or why they would be attacking me, but I know they can't have guns, otherwise all of my potential weapons would be useless. I do think I've figured out most of the hierarchy for Home Depot self-defense, though. The rules are simply that the item must be able to be pulled off the shelf and used as is. That means no looking for a second piece, nothing gas-powered and no searching for an electrical outlet.

• Garden Hoses: It might be tempting to use these if you wanted to go all Indy Jones on somebody, but it's also a safe bet that it's gonna kink up right when you need it. Without the proper training the hose is probably going to come back and hit you in the face instead of striking your attacker.



• Pitchforks: Great if you want to be a cartoon devil or appear in the painting American Gothic. Otherwise, too boring and not enough reach.



• Sledgehammers: Even if you get one of the lighter weight hammers, it's still going to be pretty slow with a short reach. As long as you're dealing with something with a minute-long reaction time, it will help. Basically, if the store is overrun with zombies, this is your weapon of choice, but if ninjas attack you while you're looking for potting soil, you're gonna need something else.



• Axes, Hatchets, etc.: Sure they can be deadly, but at the store they usually have covers over the sharp parts and they aren't interesting or stylish enough for this type of highly choreographed fight.



• Nail Guns: At first glance, this seems like the ultimate Home Depot weapon, but unfortunately it doesn't make it past some of the earlier rules. It needs to be loaded, it needs power, etc. It's just not an off the shelf, grab it and fight thing. The fight would be over before you got the first shot off.



• The Gigantic Metal Pole in the Lawn and Garden Section That Resembles Nothing So Much as a Huge Railroad Spike: It's six feet long, wrought iron and has a nasty looking point at one end. I'm not sure what it's used for other than to start the whole "could this be a weapon" line of thinking. Maybe it's for getting rid of moles, voles and groundhogs. While it's probably pretty slow and heavy to wield, it would be still be useful. It's especially good if you're someone who's good with a bo staff.



• High Powered Flashlights (Batteries Included): Only useful if you're being attacked by Mothra.



• The Umbrella from the Patio Furniture Set: A long pointy weapon that can double as a really wide shield when you open it up. A great choice all around. Plus, no sunburn.



• Garden Weasel: I know what you're saying. It's a harmless implement for breaking up soil in the garden. I say look again. It's a five foot long stick with rows of interlocking spikes at the end. You could hold off the entire home improvement ninja horde with that thing.

What would be your weapon of choice? I mean, I can't be the only one thinking about this, right? Right? I think I need to get professional help.

^1. I now need to revise the list to determine what would be most effective for destroying Blogger. I had just about finished this post and then the whole thing crashed. I didn't worry, because Blogger has a recover post button. Unfortunately, less than half the post was recovered and I had to rewrite the rest.