Mansquito

One of the joys of made for TV movies is that, though most of them are completely unwatchable, occasionally a masterpiece manages to sneak through. Last night, the SciFi Channel featured one of the latter. Mansquito, based on the Shakespearean play of the same name, tells the story of a man who turns into an enormous human-insect hybrid, but you probably figured that out from the title.

I was too lazy to do a full blown running diary, so I just kept a piece of paper around to write down thoughts as I watched. So here are a few highlights and some of my thoughts from watching this masterpiece.

The movie began with a voice over that sounded like it was from the world's worst film noir.

A sign of excellent screenwriting, using words to mean something other than their actual definition. "Sign here, initialize here."

People never learn. You don't use prisoners for experimental research, because if they mutate you'll end up with homicidal mansquitos rather than benevolent ones.

The prisoner grabbed a gun from one of the police officers and tried to escape. As he shoots (without ever running out of bullets) he screams "Diiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!!!" Only ten minutes in and I love this movie.

You'd think someone wearing a bright orange jumpsuit would be easier to hit when you're shooting at him.

Man, the transition was quick. Only minutes after being exposed to radiation and he's already got flipper arms.

I guess Mansquito's girlfriend should have given him the keys to her car.

Wow, I wasn't aware that mosquitoes have swords for legs. He's stabbing and slicing all over the place.

If you are hiding from a Mansquito in a mostly empty nightclub, you might not want to scream when he kills someone else. Stay quiet or hiding doesn't help.

The guy hiding may not have managed to stay safe but he did have the best death scene in the film. We see hiding guy scream and then cut to a shot of the disco ball which gets splattered with blood.

What type of detective sees a murder scene and immediately thinks that the murderer was a mosquito?

It seems that becoming a mosquito makes women amorous, but not men. Or maybe it was because she still looks human for now and he is a big nasty bug so he doesn't have any opportunities.

Our detective hero just found out that exoskeletons block bullets, but not tasers. I guess it won't replace Kevlar.

One officer just told the detective (who is still the only one to see the Mansquito), "I can't put out an APB on a 7 foot bug." Do you really have to tell people to be on the look out for that? If you don't, are the cops going to see a giant mansquito and think it's perfectly normal?

Wait a minute, why does the mansquito have buck teeth?

It sucks to realize that your girlfriend is turning into a blood sucking being of evil. It's kind of like discovering you're dating Paris Hilton.

You always know things are getting bad when the thunderstorm starts.

Ah, exposition is best delivered by an almost unconscious scientist in a hospital bed who can only speak three words at a time.

The best part of this film is the occasional mansquito's eye view of things.

So what exactly is the hierarchy of people dying in horror movies? Is it sluts, minorities and then fat cops? Or are the overweight officers actually second?

When Mansquito flies, he looks oddly like Watto from Star Wars Episode I.

You have to love hospital security guards. They think that even though this thing took out the entire S.W.A.T. team, they can stop it.

Our detective found the mansquito browsing the blood bank as if he were rummaging through the fridge for a midnight snack.

The detective just yelled "Hey Mansquito!" before launching a rocket at it. Too bad it didn't kill the mansquito.

Mosquitoes make a lot more noise than I ever gave them credit for.

The horror is over. It ended with self sacrifice, a cooked arthropod and really bad acting.

In the end, I can only conclude that the film itself was not nearly as interesting as its name. Still, I can't wait for the sequel.

Until later...