So You Want to be a Microbiologist?

Since it seems that everything that can be done can be turned into a reality competition with a fairly simple formula, I thought I'd give my field a try. Through a little creative writing exercise, let's try to find out what would happen if we asked the question, "So You Want to be a Microbiologist?"

The basic formula for shows like this involves a group of finalists competing in front of three judges: the acerbic British judge, the apparently stoned female judge who loves everyone, the has-been judge with too many catchphrases. After performing for the judges, the contestants receive votes from the home audience and the contestant with the fewest votes is sent home. Simple, right? Let's check in on our competition.

We're down to the final four, and the heat is on. In fact, the heat is really on this week because our theme for the week is "thermophiles." All our contestants had to perform an experiment using an organism that grows at temperatures above 50°C. They have finished their experiments and now must present the results to the judges.

Our first contestant is Sergei: "I really like to isolate new organisms from the environment, so I chose to try to find an undiscovered bug. I went to the hot springs near my home town, collected water and mud specimens and incubated them together in this glass column to see what would grow. Eventually, I found a new organism that I call Sergius realityteveeus."

Acerbic British Judge: "You found something new and that was the best name you could come up with? I certainly hope your plans for what to do with the organism show more imagination."

Sergei: "I really didn't have plans. I just thought finding it was enough."

ABJ: "Well, for your sake, I hope the audience agrees, because I don't."

Stoned Female Judge: "Wooo. Touchdown! You went out there to isolate something new, and you did it. You found it, and you made it your own."

Has Been Judge: "I don't know. You did what you wanted to, but I just don't know if that's enough for me."

Sergei: "Ok, thank you."

Well, the judges weren't too sure about Sergei, so let's see what they think of our next contestant, Louis.

Louis: "This was a rough round for me. Thermophiles really aren't my thing, but I think I did well. I took an ordinary yeast used for making wine and exposed it to gradually higher and higher temperatures. I was hoping that if I kept trying, I'd select for a mutant that could grow at extremely high temperatures, and hopefully ferment faster at that high temperature. I found what I was looking for, patented it and sold it to the highest bidder. It makes a 100 proof wine in 45 minutes."

ABJ: "Well, you really are a money-grubbing fellow aren't you? Is the science itself not good enough for you?"

SFJ: "100 proof? Do you have any of the wine with you?"

Louis: "Actually, yes. I brought a few bottles in case I needed to show you guys proof."

SFJ: "Woo. Proof! Ha! Ha! You are exactly what this competition is all about. Now give me a bottle!"

HBJ: "I don't know man. You did what you said you were going to, but I just don't
know if that's gonna work for me."

Louis: "Didn't you say that to the last guy?"

HBJ: "No, not quite."

Louis: "Ok, thank you."

Alright, the judges seem to have mixed feelings about Louis as well. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the stage...Toni!

Toni: "Good evening. I hope you enjoy my presentation. I wanted to show the audience the beauty of these organisms, so I collected a sample from a deep sea vent and examined the various organisms under a microscope and took photographs of each of them. Look at how amazing they are."

ABJ: "You looked through a microscope and took pictures? Well, I see Sergei's chances improving."

SFJ: "Oh! Those are wonderful. Those pictures are almost as beautiful as you. You shine down on this competition and illuminate us all."

HBJ: "It's not really my thing, you know. I just wasn't feeling it."

Some really harsh words from the judges. At least those who are still in full control of their faculties. Our final contestant for the evening is Robert. Take it away.

Robert: "This was a much more environmental thing than I'm used to. I prefer to stick with more clinical stuff, but I jumped right in any way. I searched through a bunch of isolates until I found one that made an undiscovered antibiotic. I patented it and am planning to sell it to a company that can use it to help society...and
make me rich."

ABJ: "Well, another money-grubber on our hands. At least you found something useful."

SFJ: "Does your new wonder drug do anything for hangovers?"

HBJ: "You did your thing. I just hope it's enough, man."

Robert: "Right, thanks."

And there you have it folks, our four finalists. Unfortunately, one of them has to go and through the magic of entirely made up votes, it looks like...Oh in an unprecedented double elimination, both Sergei and Toni will be leaving us. Sergei, you really bore us all, so this isn't much of a surprise, and to be honest it doesn't bug me at all.

Sergei: "Wha--I--Umm"

Exactly, Toni do you have anything to say?

Toni: "I followed my dream, and I have no regrets. For everyone else out there, now you go follow your dreams."

Well, Sergei's sulking, and Toni's crying like a baby, so it must be time to wrap this thing up. Tune in next time for another fake episode of So You Want to be a Microbiologist.

Hmm...maybe some things are best left to singing, juggling, cooking, dancing, designing clothes, modeling, comedy, writing films, directing films, running around the world, and eating live insects.

Until later...

Whither the Weatherman

As I checked my email and ate my waffle yesterday morning, I heard the sounds of the local news on the television behind me. When it came time for the weather report, I heard MK declare, "Ron. I've missed you."

I looked back over my shoulder with a more than slightly perplexed expression.

"What? He's been on vacation for like two weeks. You don't know what it's like without your weatherman."

Since I get my weather from websites or from simply looking out the window, I suppose she's right.

Until later...

Flame On!

I got a new grill recently. Now I can cook large amounts of food outside over hot coals. I feel like I should speak mostly in gestures with a few guttural sounds and call myself something like Grog or maybe Thag Simmons.

New Grill¹

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go char some carcass.<sup>2


1.</sup> Note the reflection of our trash can in the garage window. I should be a professional photographer.
^2. Apologies to any vegetarians or vegans reading. It just wouldn't sound the same if I were to say "sear some soy" or "flame some fruit" or "apply extremely high direct heat to vegetables for a short period of time."

Conversion

After hearing the seven thousandth news story recently about Tom Cruise, Scientology and the number of celebs that have joined the religion, we had the folowing conversation.

Me: You know, I keep hearing about this. I think I've decided to convert to Scientology.

MK: Sure. Go right ahead.

Me: Really, think about all the benefits. You get to hang out with the celebrities. It helps you if you want to be in the entertainment industry.

MK: I have a feeling your parents would freak out. (Whose wouldn't?)

Me: Well, sure. But that's 'cause they're glib.

And with that the dead horse was officially beaten.

Trivial Tuesday

Let's go with some Simpson's trivia this week. In one episode, Bart bombards Lisa and her friends with spitballs fired from up in his treehouse. The spitballs, he reveals, are made from the pages of Lisa's unfinished novel.

What was the name of her novel?

This one's a little obscure, but hopefully one of you remembers this or saw it in syndication recently. The usual rules apply.

I Think I'll Call It Everyplot

I finally finished my very first screenplay. It's a romantic comedy that I think would work well with just about any of the popular actor/actress combinations out there today. The plot is clever, and I'm pretty sure that there aren't any others out there like it yet. Here, I'll summarize it for you:

Act I
Our leading man meets and falls in love with our leading lady. He wants her to feel the same way about him, but he's worried about whether that will ever happen. Eventually, he gets up the courage to ask her out, but throughout their entire relationship he hides the fact that he has six toes. (I'm not sure about the six toe thing, maybe in a second draft I'll change it to something else he wants to hide.) Things go well for a while, and they fall madly in love.
Act II
He decides that before he asks her to marry him, he should tell her his secret. Unfortunately, before he can tell her, she figures it out on her own and becomes furious with him for keeping it secret.
Act III
They go their separate ways and are both absolutely miserable. Our leading man tries to win her back, but she refuses to ever answer his calls, listen to him on the street or reply to his email. The leading lady's homely but wise friend points out how unhappy she is and that she should just get back together with him. She rushes to find him and tell him that she loves him no matter how much he lied to her. They embrace and promise never to fight again, and the credits roll.

So, what do you think? Pretty clever and original, huh? Somebody get me Tom Hanks on the phone.

But Where's Duck Hunt?

Even more fun than watching this video is watching your mood go from "nostalgic" to "impressed" to "how much time do these people have on their hands?" to "that's five minutes of my life I'll never get back."

The Spoiled Leading The Spoiled

More dog pictures. Here is Chewie all curled up for a nap...



...on a recliner. How did he get so spoiled?

Well, he did learn from the king. Right, Booker?

Until later...

Hot Dog, Cold Air

There are some significant problems when you are a dog bred to live and work in the snow, but are forced to endure a warmer summer. Observe:


Here is Chewie sleeping. Cute isn't it? Notice the piece of plastic next to him? That's the air deflector for the air conditioning vent. He has pushed it aside because he didn't want it on the vent. So, where is the vent? Right underneath him, of course. When he comes in from outside, Chewie prefers to lie in several cool places: on the tile by the front door, up against the cool metal front door or directly on the air conditioning vent. He even recognizes the sound of the A/C starting and runs to throw himself onto a vent when he hears it. If he has his way, the next time we move, it will be to Greenland.

So if any of you out there are thinking of adopting a sled breed of any sort, be warned. They hog all the cold air.

Until later...

Separated at Birth?

Mr. Krabs from Sponge Bob Squarepants


Brother Justin Crowe from Carnivale


Remarkable resemblance, isn't it?

Number 5 is Alive!

It's bad enough I brought up the song and the movie the other day. Brace yourselves, 'cause it's about to get a lot worse. No matter how much worse than my childhood memories the reality of Short Circuit is, there is no way it can compare to the train wreck that is this video.

Thanks to Mikey for pointing this out.

Trivial Tuesday

Since we went to see A Prairie Home Companion this weekend, I figured why not follow it up with a bit of trivia about the show.

Each broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion begins with a song, originally written by Spencer Williams.

The song shares its name with an Elmore Leonard novel (currently set to be made into a film as Don Cheadle's directorial debut), which happens to be my favorite Elmore Leonard novel.

What is this song?

Leave your answer in the comments section and try to impress your fellow bloggers.

A Fount of Useless Information Companion to A Prairie Home Companion

A Prairie Home Companion was broadcasting live nearby this weekend...Ok, not nearby, in Chicago...Ok, not in Chicago, in Highland Park. You get the point. Anyway...We went to see Garrison Keillor et al. perform live. Since I'm not really a huge fan of Keillor or PHC, I figured I should at least document the event. The following are excerpts from the notes I made during the show.

• It's sooo hot. I'm too well insulated for this.


• I'm going to be sitting here outside with hundreds of people for over two hours. This was not the day to forget to take my allergy medicine. I'll do my best not to sneeze on the back of anyone's head.


• These seats were not designed for the legs of people who are 6'3". Tom Cruise would even be uncomfortable sitting here.


• As we walked into Ravinia Park , the employees were handing out complementary bottles of water. I think this was their way of saying, "We are not liable for any heat related deaths."


• Between our entry into the park and taking our seats under the pavillion, MK came up with the following jewel, "What I'd like to see: More women with brassieres on. Just because it's summer is no excuse to let it all hang out."


• As I sit here waiting for the show to begin, my OCD is kicking in. I really, really want to use this pen to trace the tattoo on the exposed shoulder of the woman in front of me. I think she might object.


• Several people in the audience brought binoculars to the event. Does one really need to see Keillor that close up? You could just look at the back of a Stephen King book for the same effect.


• Before this things gets started: There was a jazz band walking around the park, playing as a prelude to the show. They were quite impressive, but I did wonder about the choice of Ray Parker Jr.'s "Ghostbusters" as a jazz tune.


• Honestly, I've never seen more men wearing flowered shirts in one place. I thought Lake Wobegon was in Minnesota, not Hawaii.


• A woman in front of us keeps having to stand to let people by. It unfortunately appears that her posterior is attempting to eat her pants, as each time she gets up they disappear farther and farther.


• Garrison levitates onto the stage while singing "Under The Boardwalk."


• It sucks to be the lone person clapping to keep time with the music.


• The pavillion area has a no children under 7 rule. Too bad. They're the only ones that would fit in these seats.


• Another chorus of Under the Boardwalk, "Now all the boys." Umm...No thanks. You can lead a blogger to PHC, but you can't make him sing.


• After Garrison wanders through the audience, he prepares us for the broadcast show. "We do our show as a live broadcast. I don't know why." MK: "Cause at 30 bucks a pop, you make a killing on tickets."¹
  


• GK has some impressively red shoes on.


• The sound effects for the skits on this show are even more peculiar when you see the man making them. He's incredibly animated as he makes each noise.


• A message from the Partnership of English Majors. These are always odd, but kind of funny.
  


• Alice Peacock (guest musical artist for tonight's show) is really tiny.
  


• Hey, she might be comfortable in this seat.


• We are treated to an original song called "Suburban Blues." It's quite clever, both funny and pointed.


• It's still hot. I'm becoming dangerously dehydrated and lacking in electrolytes. If this were a Gatorade commercial, I'd have neon green sweat running off of me. Of course, if this were a Gatorade ad I'd be trying to explain to the big-headed Derek Jeter kid why it's creepy for him to hit on the giant-headed Jennie Finch kid.


• There's a mandolin orchestra tonight. I have to wonder if I'm the only one thinking of Bruce Hornsby.


• "People in Chicago are naturally leery of sing-alongs." Yeah, who isn't?


• Keillor keeps running his hands through his hair. At this point in the show, he looks a lot like out cockatiel.


• Despite all the anti-mandolin jokes in the Guy Noir skit, I actually enjoy the sound of the orchestra playing.


• Alice Peacock is singing again and she has a nice voice with a smoky/jazzy sound, though I do prefer the first song she sang.


• Oh, finally a breeze to cool things off...a giant hair just came floating by on that breeze before becoming entangled in my eyelashes. I'll now spend the rest of the evening trying not to think about where it came from.


• It's intermission and everyone stands up. It's disturbing to see how much sweat is on everyone now.


• Did that woman just sing, "The turtle eats the skin from your eyes?" Tonight's guest songwriter, Buffalo Bill.


• A child two rows ahead of us is plugging his ears. I think he's had enough.


• I'm stuck next to a whistling lady, and I am now bleeding from the ears.


• Ok, whose bright idea was it to go eat Thai food before having to sit here for two hours?


• The tattoo on the lady in front of me is still causing problems. My OCD is battling with my sense of social propriety and self restraint.


• It's time for News from Lake Wobegon and the crowd goes insane.


• There seems to be a serious turtle theme in today's News.


• Hmm, make that a turtle and poop theme.


• We end with a Dusty and Lefty skit which includes a song about moving the Cubs out of Chicago. It's an amusing end to this evening's show.


• "Good Night, Ladies" and we can finally get up and stop being packed in like sardines.

Well, I'm still not a big Prairie Home Companion fan, but I do have a certain appreciation for the show. And for fans of the show, I would certainly recommend seeing the show live, but preferably someplace air conditioned or at least not where both temperature and humidity are over 90.

¹ This is where I point out that we did not buy our own tickets. There aren't too many things I'd be willing to pay $30 each to see, and most of them involve the word "ball."

And Smiled in Her Special Way

It's funny how you can go for so long without hearing a song and then when you hear it all sorts of memories come rushing back. Recently, I walked into a restaurant and the sound system was playing a song I had not only hadn't heard, but hadn't thought about in many years: "Who's Johnny" by El DeBarge.

Not only has this forced the song to be stuck in my head for the past few weeks, but it has also made me remember the movie that inspired the song. I hadn't thought about Short Circuit in so long that I had forgotten how much I loved it as a kid. I realize now that it wasn't a great movie. In fact it may even have been bad, but that didn't matter to the 10-year old me. Wisecracking robots making pop culture references and ogling Ally Sheedy in the bathtub were cinematic perfection back then.

Unfortunately, this line of thought also reminded me of the sequel they made. I may have still been a kid, but that sequel was bad enough that even back then, I knew that movie sucked.

But let's not dwell on the bad things. Instead let us remember the original with it's quality comedic lines. "Hey laserlips. Your mama was a snowblower."

Now Is The Winter of Are Discontent

I'm not a grammar cop. I don't even play one on TV. In fact, I ignore a lot of things because it's just not worth the effort, and I realize that I make all kinds of mistakes as well. However, there are some things I just cannot stand. They drive me absolutely insane. The biggest one has to do with the first person plural possessive pronoun. That's right. "Our"

I realize that many people are going to pronounce this many different ways, but it remains the same word. No matter how you decide to say it, it is our. Over the past several years, I have seen more and more occasions when the word "our" is replaced in writing by the word "are." I won't argue with you if you pronounce it like that. I won't correct you if you don't know the difference between who and whom or good and well. I won't get upset with you for ignoring the words "to be" after the word "need" in a sentence. (The dogs need fed. The floor needs mopped.) I won't even complain if you decide to leave your preposition dangling out in the wind. (I'm looking at you people from Wisconsin who say "Would you like to go with?") But if I have to see one more sentence that says something like "Try Are Carwashes!!!" I'm gonna turn into Michael Douglas in Falling Down.

Trivial Tuesday

Before I give you this week's question, a brief message: If you participate in Trivial Tuesday and still need more of a trivia fix, check out The Trivia Exchange. It's updated every week with a new quiz and is a lot of fun. She does an excellent job of coming up with really great questions each week. Now go participate...right after you answer this question.

The category for this week: Geographic Superlatives.

As I was watching the World Cup, I was surprised by the sizes of some of the countries involved. For example the country of Trinidad & Tobago has only 1.3 million people. I thought about asking for the countries with the lowest population in the world, but that would be a little too difficult. Instead let's discuss the largest populations. There are only 2 countries with over a billion people and 3 with over 250 million, but how many have over 100 million people? (All numbers as of July 2005)

Bonus points for naming the countries with over 100 million and double bonus points if you can list the ten most populated countries, in order.

Usual rules apply. Answer correctly and win the respect of your peers. (but nothing else)

Update: There are 11 countries with over 100 million people. They are (in descending order): China, India, United States, Indonesia, Brazil, Pakistan, Russia, Bangladesh, Nigeria, Japan and Mexico.

Bit O' Conversation

Heard this weekend at our house:

"What? So they just misplaced Grandma?"

Misplacing relatives is bad...especially when they are in an urn.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden D.I.Y.

With the arrival of the first summer after purchasing a house, we've been spending a lot of time at Home Depot. I've never really loved going to home improvement stores since the entire store is one big reminder of everything you need to do instead of enjoying your life. If the amount of time spent in the store and on projects inspired by the store are not enough, I can always worry about the money spent on all those projects. Each aisle we turn down rings with the sound of a cash register total growing exponentially. With visions of six-foot long receipts dancing in my head, I struggle to remain calm. Since I can't apply Homer's advice to Bart when he was sent to fat camp ("Leave your body. Become emotionally dead."), I have to find a different way to cope.

As I stroll from aisle to aisle, I look at the various things we could purchase and wonder how useful they would be if someone were to suddenly attack me in the middle of Home Depot. Would this shovel be of more use than the 4-pound sledgehammer? It's as if I'm choreographing a really bad Jackie Chan movie.^1.

I'm not sure who these people are or why they would be attacking me, but I know they can't have guns, otherwise all of my potential weapons would be useless. I do think I've figured out most of the hierarchy for Home Depot self-defense, though. The rules are simply that the item must be able to be pulled off the shelf and used as is. That means no looking for a second piece, nothing gas-powered and no searching for an electrical outlet.

• Garden Hoses: It might be tempting to use these if you wanted to go all Indy Jones on somebody, but it's also a safe bet that it's gonna kink up right when you need it. Without the proper training the hose is probably going to come back and hit you in the face instead of striking your attacker.



• Pitchforks: Great if you want to be a cartoon devil or appear in the painting American Gothic. Otherwise, too boring and not enough reach.



• Sledgehammers: Even if you get one of the lighter weight hammers, it's still going to be pretty slow with a short reach. As long as you're dealing with something with a minute-long reaction time, it will help. Basically, if the store is overrun with zombies, this is your weapon of choice, but if ninjas attack you while you're looking for potting soil, you're gonna need something else.



• Axes, Hatchets, etc.: Sure they can be deadly, but at the store they usually have covers over the sharp parts and they aren't interesting or stylish enough for this type of highly choreographed fight.



• Nail Guns: At first glance, this seems like the ultimate Home Depot weapon, but unfortunately it doesn't make it past some of the earlier rules. It needs to be loaded, it needs power, etc. It's just not an off the shelf, grab it and fight thing. The fight would be over before you got the first shot off.



• The Gigantic Metal Pole in the Lawn and Garden Section That Resembles Nothing So Much as a Huge Railroad Spike: It's six feet long, wrought iron and has a nasty looking point at one end. I'm not sure what it's used for other than to start the whole "could this be a weapon" line of thinking. Maybe it's for getting rid of moles, voles and groundhogs. While it's probably pretty slow and heavy to wield, it would be still be useful. It's especially good if you're someone who's good with a bo staff.



• High Powered Flashlights (Batteries Included): Only useful if you're being attacked by Mothra.



• The Umbrella from the Patio Furniture Set: A long pointy weapon that can double as a really wide shield when you open it up. A great choice all around. Plus, no sunburn.



• Garden Weasel: I know what you're saying. It's a harmless implement for breaking up soil in the garden. I say look again. It's a five foot long stick with rows of interlocking spikes at the end. You could hold off the entire home improvement ninja horde with that thing.

What would be your weapon of choice? I mean, I can't be the only one thinking about this, right? Right? I think I need to get professional help.

^1. I now need to revise the list to determine what would be most effective for destroying Blogger. I had just about finished this post and then the whole thing crashed. I didn't worry, because Blogger has a recover post button. Unfortunately, less than half the post was recovered and I had to rewrite the rest.

Trivial Tuesday

It's Tuesday and therefore time for trivia once again. Since I had fire extinguisher training recently, I'll use that as inspiration. Most fires are broken up into four main classes: A, B, C and D. Class D fires are flammable metals, which will serve as our category today.

What flammable metal used in some fireworks and flares has a common mineral form that shares a similar name and pronounciation with a 1975 blaxploitation film featuring a kung-fu fighting pimp?

The usual rules apply. Remember, the race goes not to the swift, but to the swift and correct.

Update: Congrats to MC Etcher, the first to say that it was magnesium. Also congrats go out to Many Manifestos for giving us dolomite, the connection between a mineral form of magnesium and a movie about a pimp (the mineral is dolomite, the movie is Dolemite).

On Steel Chairs and Bad Haircuts

We heard an ad on the radio recently for a live WWE wrestling event coming to our town. Never one to let things go without comment, I suggested that we go, leading to this conversation.

"Can we go to that?"

"Umm. No."

"Come on, it'll be fun."

"No, I don't think it would be."

"We could wear mullet wigs."

"Sure and I can wear a white tank top and some low-riding pants that don't fit me."

"See, that's what I'm saying. It'll be great."

"And we can black out some of your teeth."

"Sure I'll be like that guy we saw on AFV the other day. The one that pulled his last tooth with his bow and arrow."