In Defense of Oompaloompaphobia

So, after reading Laziest Girl's post, I felt that I needed to defend myself against a few of the things she said. Unfortunately, when it comes down to it, I really can't argue with most of it. I am sometimes a bit odd, deserving recipient of the point-and-laugh on occasion and a self-proclaimed obsessive-compulsive. The Oompa Loompa thing, though, that's entirely different.

To defend against those who do not understand my issues with Oompa Loompas, I shall attempt to elucidate my reasoning here using evidence from both the 1971 and 2005 versions of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

1. In 1971, they were orange. Orange!!!! As if they had some horrible run-in with a giant bottle of self-tanner.

2. In addition to being orange, the 1971 OLs had white eyebrows. This was a very creepy combination, and I highly recommend all of my readers avoid it if at all possible.

3. In 2005 they are no longer orange, but every single Oompa Loompa is identical. A clonal population of factory workers is not only scary, but smacks of Huxley's Brave New World. The Oompa Loompa's are the Epsilon Semi-morons.

4. The tinyness. I'm no small person by any means and the 2005 incarnation of the Oompa Loompas scare me with their tiny little selves. They are would come up to somewhere between my ankle and mid-calf. I can't spend that much time worrying whether I'm going to trample someone.

5. The complete lack of any emotion. They mill about doing their work and have no care for anything or anyone else. Someone almost drowns in a river of chocolate and gets sucked up a tube to the Fudge Room; they don't care about anything but whether he might ruin the product. Someone falls down a trash chute to an incinerator that may or may not be currently burning? That's ok. They'll just sing a song about how it's what she deserved anyway.

6. The choreography. Oh, the choreography!

7. They are eerily prescient. No matter what has just happened, they have a perfectly rehearsed song prepared and ready to deliver a moral for the edification of little children everywhere.

Hopefully, I've convinced you all why the Oompa Loompas are in fact evil little creatures that should have been left to the vermicious knids. If not, I hope you realize the error of your ways before they dance around singing a mocking song as you go to your inevitable, but fitting and amusing doom.

Until later...