My Running Diary Has A First Name It's O-S-C-A-R

Since I know all of you are simply dying to know what I'm thinking while watching the Oscars, I'm going to keep a running diary. It will probably end up being boring, much like most of the ceremony.

I'm also keeping track of my entry into the Entertainment Weekly World's Biggest Oscar Pool on Oscars.com, just in case I happen to get all my picks right and win a the Grand Prize. I'm expecting to be right on about a third of my picks, if I'm lucky, but you never know.

7:57-As the pre-show ends and people are being rushed to their seats, ABC takes us inside to Billy Bush who is just as annoying as last year.

8:00-The show starts with clips from all sorts of movies, beginning with the DeLorian from Back to the Future and ending with Superman.

8:02-Billy Crystal and Chris Rock provide us with the first gay cowboy joke of the night. It certainly didn't take long.

8:03-What was the deal with the Mel Gibson section of this skit?

8:05-A shot of Heath Ledger in the audience. Yeah, forget whether playing a gay man was a bad choice, that mustache is possibly the worst career choice he could make.

8:07-Charlize Theron is enjoying this monologue almost as much as I am.

8:08-Shockingly, Jack Nicholoson is wearing his sunglasses.

8:08-The second gay cowboy joke of the night.

8:11-"Raise your hand if you were not in Crash."

8:12-Stewart just called Walk the Line, "Ray with white people."

8:14-Brokeback Mountain: the joke that just won't die.

8:16-Nicole Kidman comes out to present Best Supporting Actor. I'll take this time to say I don't know how you could pick a single person out of Crash to be a nominee for Best Supporting Actor.

8:19-George Clooney wins, and I'm 1 for 1 on the night. This will probably be the last time I'm perfect in my picks tonight.

8:24-And we're back with John Stewart not being funny.

8:25-Tom Hanks in a really bad Saturday Night Live style skit. Tom needs to wash his hair and cut it. But mostly wash it.

8:27-This stuff is not funny. I am actually pained watching this.

8:29-Ok, somebody shut Ben Stiller up. Oh, and King Kong wins for visual effects. (2 for 2)

8:30-MK just threw a handful of popcorn on the floor for the dogs. You'd think they just won the lottery, as excited as they are.

8:31-The super-cute Reese Witherspoon comes out to present Best Animated Feature. I've only seen one of the three nominees this year, (We saw Corpse Bride this weekend), so it's hard to guess.

8:33-It's Wallace and Grommit. (2 for 3) Wow! Those are some huge bowties. It's a shame; I was hoping it was Corpse Bride so we could get a better look at Tim Burton's hair homage to Kramer.

8:34-I was going to make a joke about how ugly Naomi Watts dress is, but then I saw a shot of the audience and I have to wonder did we segregate the latino/a audience members? I just saw every famous hispanic person all sitting on the same row.

8:36-Dolly Parton is singing a song from Transamerica. I feel like there should be a joke, but I can't make fun of Dolly. It looks too much like someone's been starving her for the past three years.

8:41-There's a Subway ad on for the Honey Ham and Swiss. We discussed the commercial the other day. MK questioned whether there really is honey drizzled on the sandwich. I contended that it was honey ham, not ham with honey on it. "No," she said, "they show them putting honey on it." "Sure, but they also show women hitting on Jared, and I don't think that's happening either."

8:42-John Stewart makes a Scientology joke. He is going to be served with a law suit before he gets out of the building tonight.

8:43-Are there two more nasal siblings than Owen and Luke Wilson. The Oscar for Live Action Short: Six Shooter. (3 for 4)

8:45-Animated presenters. The ducks not getting pants joke is kind of funny. The Animated Short winner: The Moon and The Son. (3 for 5)

8:48-It's GQ's man of the year, Jeniffer Aniston presenting Best Costume Design. I have to admit, I loved the costumes in Memoirs of a Geisha and Walk the Line. Memoirs wins. (3 for 6 and falling fast)

8:51- Russel Crowe comes out and the entire audience ducks. Why didn't Sprint ask him to be in the "Theft Deterrent" ad for the Super Bowl?

8:57-Will Farrel and Steve Carell come out with horrible make-up to present the award for Make-Up. One of the few skits or jokes that has worked tonight. The Chronicles of Narnia wins and I'm below .500 (3 for 7)

9:01-It stinks to be one of the people at the Scientific and Technical Awards. You get an award and a half-second of mention on the main show.

9:03-Morgan Freeman flubs his lines while presenting Best Supporting Actress, but he can get away with it cause he's Morgan Freeman. The very pretty and very pregnant Rachael Wiesz wins. (4 for 8)

9:11-Lauren Bacall. I have to confess that I thought she was dead. Bacall introduces a piece about Film Noir, one of my favorite genres of all time.

9:16-John Stewart's most accurate line of the night at least so far: "I'm a loser."

9:18-The political campaign ads for Best Actress were actually pretty funny.

9:19-Terrence Howard is presenting for Documentary short subject. By the way, did you know he has a degree in Chemical Engineering? Musician, actor, scientist. Impressive.

9:21-A Note of Triumph wins and in the acceptance speech one of the winners thanks the Academy for "Seating me next to george clooney at the nominees luncheon." (4 for 9)

9:21-That is one ugly dress Charlize Theron is wearing. GFY, here you come.

9:23-I'm surprised, to see March of the Penguins won. I expected there to be some box office succes backlash. (4 for 10)

9:25-I like this song from Crash, and the burning cars set is interesting, but the dress this woman is wearing is the same color as her skin, which is really distracting. This performance really does bring back the feelings of the movie.

9:32-Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are presenting Art Direction together. It's like Speed 2, only not because Keanu Reeves is actually there.

9:35-Memoirs of a Geisha wins, and it's about time I got something right. I was going through quite a dry spell. So, why was Keanu up there? He said only three words the whole time. To be fair to him, none of the were "Whoa!" (5 for 11)

9:36-Sam Jackson is out to intorduce a series of clips from films that deal with issues. There are some great films there, but there is no way on earth the The Day After Tomorrow belongs in there.

9:41-Does the President of the Academy have any special powers? Can he declare war or veto nominations if he disagrees.

9:43-Mickey Rooney is in the audience looking like he might actually be bored to death by the Academy president's speech about how important they are.

9:44- And everything the man just said has been completely forgotten because Salma Hayek's on stage. She says something about music. I don't know I wasn't really listening.

9:46-John Williams is nominated twice for score this year. I love the score from Munich, but the music from Brokeback Mountain is great as well. Brokeback wins. (6 for 12)

9:56-John Stewart makes me wish once again that Billy Crystal was hosting, or Steve Martin or Chris Rock, or Whoopi Goldberg. Ok fine, Billy, Steve or Chris then.

9:57-Maggie Gylenhaal comes out to introduce a montage about Visual Effects. Speaking of visual effects, couldn't they digitally remove some of the hair on her face? What? It was Jake? Oh, nevermind then. Congrats on the sorta beard, Jake.

10:00-Eric Bana and Jessica Alba present the award for Sound with the worst analogy ever, comparing mixing the four types of tracks to having four beautiful women (or men) competing for your attention. King Kong wins. (7 for 13)

10:04-Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin give Altman an honorary award by annoying the entire viewing audience.

10:18-Ludacris introduces the third nominee for Best Song. It's been a big year for him. He was in two different movies with Terrence Howard and in both cases he and Howard end up pointing a gun at each other (there's also only one gun in each case). Three 6 Mafia performs the song in place of Terrence Howard, and it was actually much more enjoyable when he did it.

10:23-Queen Latifah presents the award for Best Song. It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp wins, but it was definitely the song most integral to the film. (8 for 14)

10:25-John Stewart: "I think it just got a little easier in here for pimp."

10:26-The political campaign thing was good once. Now, you're just trying to reuse one of the few things that was funny.

10:27- Jeniffer Garner is out to present for Sound Editing. Did she really just have a kid? King Kong wins. It's sweeping the effect awards. (8 for 15)

10:30-Clooney gets to be introduced as Academy Award Winner for the first time. It's the people who died last year montage. We will miss Mr. Miyagi, and that guy that played the ghost on the subway in Ghost, and Nice Guy Eddie, and Mrs. Robinson. I had forgotten that Richard Pryor died this year.

10:35-I just saw an ad for Tab. They have an energy drink now. But, Tab. Tab! Tab always makes me think of Back to the Future. "Gimme a Tab." "I can't give you a tab until you buy something." "Ok, gimme a Pepsi Free." "You want a Pepsi, Pal, you're gonna pay for it."

10:38 Will Smith says hi to people in other countries before presenting the Best Foreign Film to Tsotsi. (9 for 16)

10:40-Somebody give that man another award for Best Acceptance Speech. Quick, with an actual point.

10:41-How long did John Stewart have to practice to correctly pronounce Ziyi Zhang? She's presenting for Film Editing. How do you know who is good? It's one of those you really only notice if it's bad. Crash wins. (10 for 17)

10:44-I don't automatically think two time Oscar winner when I hear Hillary Swank. Anyway, she's presenting Best Actor. Heath Ledger is going to win this, but Terrence Howard deserves some sort of award. At least Joaquin Phoenix won a Golden Globe.

10:48-Ok, Hoffman won instead. I'm shocked that it wasn't Ledger, but I think if we've learned anything tonight it's that I know nothing. (10 for 18)

10:55-John Travolta comes out to present for Cinematography. Umm...nice hair John. Memoirs of a Geisha wins. It wasn't what I picked, but I am pleased. I loved everything about the look of that movie. (10 for 19)

10:58-Jamie Foxx presents Best Actress. How did we get to this point of awards season and I still have no idea what Mrs. Henderson Presents is?

10:59-If Kiera Knightley wins, can she trade the statue for a cheeseburger?

11:00-Reese Witherspoon wins. It really isn't a surprise. I absolutely loved her in that movie. (11 for 20)

11:05-Three awards left and my money's on Brokeback winning three of the four. Not that I have money on this, but those are my uneducated guesses.

11:08-Dustin Hoffman, who seems to be a combination of every character he's ever played, presents Best Adapted Screenplay to Brokeback Mountain. (12 for 21)

11:11-Larry McMurtry really is a stereotypical nerd. It's like someone inflated Woody Allen to a slightly larger size.

11:13-Uma Thurman presents the Best Original Screenplay to Crash. Great movie and great choice. (12 for 22)

11:18-Well, I am definitely tired of seeing ads for Sons and Daughters on ABC.

11:19-Tom Hanks comes out to present Best Director. He still needs to wash his hair. What is with that greasy look. Ang Lee wins and no one is surprised. He is great director and had one of the movies with the most buzz this year. (13 for 23).

11:21-Ang Lee just said, "I wish I knew how to quit you." to his Oscar. I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean.

11:22-Jack is out in his sunglasses to present Best Picture. Anything other than Brokeback will be a shock at this point.

11:23-Wow. A huge upset. Crash wins Best Picture. It was so divisive that I didn't really think it could win. People tend to think it is either absolutely brilliant or highly manipulative. Count me as one of the former. People in the audience are so excited that they are jumping up and down and one of the women is having to repeatedly pull her dress up. Let this be a lesson folks. If you intend to do a dance of joy, straps are your friends. (13 of 24)

11:26-Did she just thank husband and her wife? I think the orchestra playing her off made her flustered.

11:30-It's over. Finally. Time for bed.

So what have we learned tonight? We learned that gay cowboy jokes really do get old after a while. We learned that John Stewart is not a good choice for Oscar host. We learned that Dolly Parton probably gives us a good idea of what Lindsay Lohan will look like in 40 years. We learned that it really is hard out here for a pimp. We learned that you can easily disrupt my train of thought by putting Salma Hayek on screen. Most importantly, we learned that my ability to pick Oscar winners is not going to win me that lifetime Netflix membership and trip to next year's Oscars.