Commercialism's Big Day

The concept of a running diary is not new, nor is a review of the commercials, but I have never said I was original. I’ll post thoughts as I have them and review commercials on a 10 point scale. I won’t rate ads for movies, but I will comment on them. If you want a better review of the commercials, try Slate. Their Ad Report Card column is usually very interesting and informative. (Early Monday a.m. update: You can check out Seth Stevenson's Ad Report Card here for a more concise review than mine.)

If I can stay awake, I'm going to run this all the way through the Simpsons and American Dad. Let's begin.

5:59—The Black Eyed Peas just finished performing live. My ears hurt. Apparently they need a little studio help.

6:00—Eugene Levy is in the Fox Super Bowl intro. Is this really what things have come to for Eugene?

6:04—Nationwide commercial with MC Hammer. Hammer mocks himself with a spot on poor financial planning. Self-deprecation always gets high marks. 7/10

6:06—Oh good, Joe Buck is calling the game, exponentially increasing our chances of hearing “That’s DISGUSTING!!” during today’s broadcast.

6:13—DirecTV spot with the progression of one man’s life through television. Good idea, but it turns out more scary than anything else as he ages. 3/10

6:15—24 promo. Did he just tell someone the show was so exciting they’d need another pair of underwear? 4/10

6:17—The teams are introduced by Michael Chiklis (MK: “Do you think he’s destined to be single?”) and Will Smith.

6:20—Ford commercial. Biker gang versus Ford truck gang. All in all, pretty dull. 5/10.

6:21—McDonald’s Lincoln Fry commercial. Well, I guess it was effective. I’ve already gone to the website and it’s been less than a minute. 8/10

6:30—The Lincoln Fry is currently going for $500. From the auction site: “Lincoln Fry is not edible.”

6:30—XXX:State of the Union. It wasn’t good with Vin Diesel, does anyone think it will be better with Ice Cube?

6:33—American Idol commercial. Same concept as the earlier Ford commercial (stereotypical tough guys doing something you don’t expect), but they pulled it off much better. 7/10

6:36—Mustang commercial. Hey, it looks like winter at my house. Ok, the frozen guy in the convertible was kind of funny. With all the snow and the Minnesotan cop, it was like Fargo. I kept waiting for the wood chipper. 6/10

6:38—The Lincoln Fry is now $2750.

6:38—He may have won two of the past three Super Bowls and be competing for his third in four years, but Belichick still looks like a bum on the sidelines. Come on Bill, you have money, do something about the wardrobe.

6:40—TO just made a catch. Will he be a factor? Not if McNabb fumbles like that. Ok, never mind, no fumble, but they still have to punt.

6:49—The Lincoln Fry is now $250,100. I have to wonder if that’s a fake bid.

6:50—Diet Pepsi ad. Everybody wants to be like Puffy. Xzibit pimps a Diet Pepsi truck. Whatever happened to Carson Daly? Nice spot. 8/10

6:51—LeBron’s gum commercial. Well, that was incredibly unexciting. 2/10

6:51—M-robe from Olympus. Scary wiggly people do not make me want to buy a camera/music player hybrid. 2/10

6:54—The Pacifier. This is why Vin Diesel passed up the XXX sequel? I think I’d rather watch a blank screen for two hours.

6:55—Fed Ex. Mocking the concept of Super Bowl commercials. “Product Message (optional)” Best of the night so far. 9/10

6:55—Bud Light with Cedric the Entertainer. Nagging can even ruin fantasies. 8/10

6:59—Volvo is giving away a trip on Virgin Galactic. Am I the only one that thinks Richard Branson is nuts? 4/10

7:00—Diet Pepsi. A man walks down the street drinking a Diet Pepsi. As he continues, women start following him and eventually Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy joins the group. Mildly amusing. 6/10

7:00—Godaddy.com. Why is it Budweiser (or was it Bud Light) can’t mock the “wardrobe malfunction”, but this site can? At least the Budweiser ad that has been shown everywhere but the game was funny. 3/10

7:07—Umm…wasn’t Owens supposed to be hurt? He looked healthy on that play.

7:11—Bud Light picture phone commercial. The second of the night to make me laugh out loud. 9/10

7:11—The Longest Yard. Oh good, another remake. No thanks.

7:12—Another Lincoln Fry commercial. By the way, it’s now $275,000

7:13—Nice pick by Rodney Harrison!!

7:14—Visa Check Card. Not good, not bad. 3/10. Wait, 4/10 for Underdog.

7:14—Ameriquest. Don’t judge to quickly. Absolutely hysterical. 9/10

7:15—Quizno’s with Baby Bob. Creepy. He wasn’t funny on a sitcom. He’s not funny in an ad. Bring back the Spongemonkeys!!! “We love the subs!” 3/10

7:20—Another turnover by the Eagles.

7:22--One quarter down, and I’d say the MVP so far is Rodney Harrison. That’s ok, because he’s from Western Illinois University and that gives me a chance to mention that they are the Leathernecks.

7:23—Hitch. Will Smith. Kevin James. I don’t know what to say other than "I have a suspicion I’m going to get dragged to this next weekend."

7:23—MBNA. Ok that was just odd. 4/10

7:24—Honda has a pickup. The commercial was still boring. 3/10

7:24—24 promo. Nuclear, not “nuke-yuh-lur”. Apparently, the same people write speeches for W and scripts for 24.

7:30—“Brian Westbrook is starting to get his legs underneath him.” It seems earlier in the game they were on his head. Is there a rule that says that sportscasters have to be idiots?

7:33—Touchdown Eagles. The first time the Pats have trailed in the playoffs.

7:34—Budweiser continues last year's ad with the donkey who wants to be a Clydesdale. Now all of the animals want to join in the fun. Cute, but not great. 6/10

7:34—Lays. Our second MC Hammer self-deprecating ad of the night. Even funnier than the previous one. Yes, kids. I'd throw him back too. 8.5/10

7:35—Subways Toasted Subs. To quote my wife, “It’s better than Jared.” 5/10

7:37—Pepsi and iTunes. Pretty amusing. Not that I’m anything like that last guy dancing to Jay Z in bathroom. Not at all. Leave my iTunes account alone. 6/10

7:38—Be Cool. Finally people are being given what they want: A sequel to Get Shorty. Uma and Travolta dancing again. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson playing a gay character.

7:38—Degree In-action Heroes. Harsh, but funny. 7/10

7:42—Pepsi and iTunes again. This might be a little better with less Gwen Stefani. Not as amusing as the first version. 5/10

7:43—Cadillac. Bang? That was the pay-off? 2/10

7:46—Corey Dillon just dragged the entire Philly defense for about five yards.

7:51—Career Builder. Chimps at work. I’ve felt that way before. 6/10

7:52—Bud Light. That is one scary cockatoo. Just because it’s a talking animal doesn’t mean it’s funny. Though was it Cuban? I felt like I was watching Scarface for a minute. 5/10

7:56—Batman Begins. Nolan. Michael Caine. Morgan Freeman. Christian Bale. All good. Too bad the Batmobile is just goofy looking.

7:57—I am Diana Pearl. Our third “stereotypical tough guys doing something against type” commercial of the night. Not really very funny. 4/10…ooh Dennis Rodman in the bathtub. 3/10

7:58—Michelob. Rich and Smooth. 7/10

8:00—Touchdown Pats. Tie game.

8:11—Nascar pirate commercial. Ok, that commercial just plain sucked.

8:14—NFL Network. Everything in my being tells me I should hate this commercial, but for some reason I don’t.

8:15—Ok, they’ve wheeled out the reanimated corpse of Paul McCartney, so it’s time to go make some nachos.

8:25—Ow, jalapeño juice in the eye. Probably karma for the reanimated corpse comment a minute ago.

8:45—Touchdown Pats. Impressive drive to start the half.

8:48—M-Robe. Nope, not any better this time. 2/10

8:50—Robots. Wow. That was intolerable in a 30 second spot. I can’t wait to spend 90 minutes in a theater watching it.

8:57—Napster MP3 player. It certainly piqued my interest, even if it was unexciting. 5/10

8:57—24 promo. “We just spent 2.4 million…” It was funny when E-trade did it. Now it’s just old. 4/10

8:58—Staples easy button. I hate these commercials. 1/10

8:58—Ameriquest “Don’t judge too quickly” part 2. Great again. 9/10

8:59—Career Builder. More chimps in the workplace. Now, it’s just annoying. 2/10

9:02—The nachos are really good. I love cilantro. Just thought you might like to know.

9:03—War of the Worlds. Interesting, but I’m not exactly a Tom Cruise fan. Hopefully, no one will be so convinced that it’s real that they kill themselves.

9:03—Cialis. The 4-hour erection warning makes its second consecutive Super Bowl appearance.

9:11—Touchdown Philly, and we’re tied again.

9:11—Look Tom Arnold, and I somehow resisted the urge to change the channel.

9:12—Honda pickup again. At least the belt buckle gimmick was amusing. 5/10

9:12—Verizon V-Cast. Mostly stupid, but we did get to see Christina Aguilera go flying across the room when her stylist tried to dry her hair. That’s worth a couple bonus points. 6/10

9:21—End of the third quarter and it’s still tied. The score has been tied at the end of each quarter so far.

9:23—Nice screen pass, and this probably won’t be tied for much longer.

9:24—And it wasn’t. Touchdown Pats.

9:25—Toyota Prius. Cool ad concept. Cool car. 7/10

9:31—Budweiser Select. Boring. 1/10

9:32—Master Card. I’m a little tired of the “priceless” campaign, but I got to hear someone ask Count Chocula “So, how’s Frankenberry?” and Mr. Clean was stuck doing the dishes, so…7/10

9:38—Emerald Nuts. That man was so mean to his daughter, and yet this commercial was so funny. 8/10

9:38—Budweiser. Cedric the Entertainer starts a new dance while trying to communicate in a loud, crowded club. 7/10

9:41—Vinatieri hits a field goal to put New England up 10. Philly was lucky to hold them to three there.

9:46—McNabb throws another pick. That could be the end. 10 points against this Patriots team with less than seven and a half minutes and NE has the ball? That’s going to be tough.

9:59—The Eagles may be driving, but how do they not realize that they have to score twice in two minutes.

10:00—Sahara. Am I the only one that sees Matthew McConaughey and thinks about bongo drums? What about getting him confused with Josh Lucas? I don’t know that I can get excited about a movie where the author of the book upon which the movie is based tried to stop shooting, because the scripts were unacceptable.

10:03—Touchdown Philly. Will they try an onside kick or hope the defense can make the Pats go three and out?

10:06—That may have been the worst attempt at an onside kick I have seen. It would already have been difficult for the Eagles to win, but now it approaches impossible.

10:13—The Eagles have the ball inside their own 5 yard line with 46 seconds to go. If they manage to score, it will be the best ending to a Super Bowl ever…but I don’t see that happening.

10:15—Picked off. Game over. Rodney Harrison has 2 interceptions on the night, and is my pick for MVP. Of course, it’s probably Brady again. He’s the NFL’s über-marketable golden boy.

10:22—Cadillac. “Just take your mother’s car.” A much better commercial than the one earlier in the evening. 8/10

10:23—Verizon commercial with the cottonmouth. 6/10 The rating probably would be higher if it weren’t for Verizon.

10:24—Wow. Sports Illustrated wasted no time getting the Patriots merchandise out.

10:25—The post game show is starting. Who cares, just get to the Simpsons.

10:30—Ok, so it was Deion Branch instead of Brady as MVP. I won’t argue too much with that.

10:40—The Simple Life 3. Is it wrong for me to hope that Paris and Nicole get the Dave Matthews Band treatment from that plane?

10:45—Nike Pro Apparel. I’m really not sure I get the point of this ad, but I am scared. 3/10

10:50—The Simpsons is on, and it was just revealed that Comic Book Guy is named Jeff Albertson. You learn something new everyday.

10:57—Homer just choreographed a dance which ended with him mooning. I think Joe Buck just started shouting again.

11:15—Maybe it’s too late and I’m tired. Maybe they hyped it a bit too much, but that episode was not what I hoped for, despite a nice helping of social commentary.

11:16—American Dad is starting. I hope it’s good, since I’m staying up for this.

11:18—If Paul Lynde weren’t dead, I’d be sure he was doing the voice for Roger the Alien.

11:22—God just called W on American Dad.

11:30—“Twinkies, Ho-Ho’s, your basic white trash food.” Nice.

11:43—Well, it’s no Family Guy, despite being an almost exact copy of Family Guy.

The conclusion, part I: My pick for ad of the night is the Fed Ex, "How to Make a Super Bowl Ad." With the two Ameriquest ads just behind it. Also, special bonus points are given to MC Hammer, for humiliating himself not once, but twice.

The conclusion, part II: I should never do this again.

The Lincoln Fry is now $99,999,999,999.98. McDonald’s may have stumbled onto the solution to our national debt.

Until later…