That title sounds a bit grandiose for what this really is, doesn't it? Oh well, the title still amuses me, so it stays.
Each time I travel gives me more things to ponder and more things to want to write about. I figured I might as well collect them here in a poorly organized list so that you can waste as much of your time reading them as I am writing them.
In the US, there are really only two decent means of long distance mass transit: train (which really means Amtrak, since there is only one major carrier) and airplane. Sure there are buses named after dogs that travel the highways that run across our country, but those are usually reserved for people who aren't afraid of spending 72 hours sitting next to a guy who might have been profiled on America's Most Wanted last night or who might just smell like he hasn't showered since the first Bush administration. Besides, if I'm going to travel by road, I would rather drive myself. I can control the music, when and where we stop and who sits next to me.
I hadn't travelled by train for anything city-to-city until recently, and the experience really helped me realize a few things. Mostly, I realized that trains are not designed for people of any size whatsoever. If you ride the train, you had better be thin and short. There is no leg room and no butt room. You can feel free to get up and move about as long as you don't mind getting thrown around the car. There is less security to deal with, so it's easier for everyone to get to and from the trains and waiting areas, but on the down side there is less security so it's easier for everyone to get to and from the trains and waiting areas. Really, everything I've seen indicates that train travel is basically a slower version of air travel, only with more mental illness and less teeth.
Travel by air becomes more and more annoying the more restrictions are put into place for security. If you want to take liquids on a plane, you can...as long as no single container is greater than 3 ounces and all containers fit into a "quart-size, clear, resealable, zip-top bag." I'm not sure whether I believe there was ever any sort of plot that caused this or if the actual plot was one that involved companies that make Zip-loc bags and trial size toothpaste. Like everything else in air travel, the enforcement is completely arbitrary, so I managed to get on a plane in one airport with my toothpaste safely in my carry-on bag, only to have it confiscated at the next security station because it was three and a half ounces, and I might try to brush the teeth of the passengers around me against their will. (Personally, I'd think that would be a public service, but I guess not everyone agrees.)
One of the most fascinating things about air travel is the layover at an intermediate airport. You may be stopping in Detroit for three hours on your way from Chicago to St. Louis or spending all day in Charlotte when you travel from Denver to Los Angeles. Not only do the routes you have to take seem to make no sense, but the lengthy layovers provide you the opportunity to spend time observing the other people stuck in the airport with you. There may be families running from gate to gate trying not to miss their flight. There may be couples on their honeymoon, who are the only ones that don't seem to be frustrated by the entire process. Mostly, however, you will find the travelling businessman. There are a few differences depending on whether he is single and hitting on every girl in the gate area, just hanging out in the sports bar, or trying to be productive with his time before the next flight. In spite of these differences, you can still spot them based on the characteristics they (almost all) have in common. First, there is the ubiquitous cellphone, preferably a Blackberry. This is out and on at all times, and even while walking through the airport, the businessman will be sending emails on it. In addition, you can often spot them by the Bluetooth ear piece which makes it look like the terminal is full of extras from Flash Gordon. Of course, there are exceptions to this. You might even happen upon a business man who isn't wearing an earpiece, but rather carrying a book (and by a book, I mean the most recent John Grisham novel or a book about business management). The more time you spend in the airport, the more time you realize that there are really only about 10 people at most wandering around there with you, the rest are just clones of those 10. The real fun is figuring out which of that 10 you are.
It doesn't seem to matter which method of travel you choose, you have to deal with plenty of waiting as well as other people who may be concerned with things other than your convenience. It's useful if you have to travel an extremely long way, but otherwise, I think that until someone perfects the Stark Trek style transporter, I'll stick with my car.
Each time I travel gives me more things to ponder and more things to want to write about. I figured I might as well collect them here in a poorly organized list so that you can waste as much of your time reading them as I am writing them.
In the US, there are really only two decent means of long distance mass transit: train (which really means Amtrak, since there is only one major carrier) and airplane. Sure there are buses named after dogs that travel the highways that run across our country, but those are usually reserved for people who aren't afraid of spending 72 hours sitting next to a guy who might have been profiled on America's Most Wanted last night or who might just smell like he hasn't showered since the first Bush administration. Besides, if I'm going to travel by road, I would rather drive myself. I can control the music, when and where we stop and who sits next to me.
I hadn't travelled by train for anything city-to-city until recently, and the experience really helped me realize a few things. Mostly, I realized that trains are not designed for people of any size whatsoever. If you ride the train, you had better be thin and short. There is no leg room and no butt room. You can feel free to get up and move about as long as you don't mind getting thrown around the car. There is less security to deal with, so it's easier for everyone to get to and from the trains and waiting areas, but on the down side there is less security so it's easier for everyone to get to and from the trains and waiting areas. Really, everything I've seen indicates that train travel is basically a slower version of air travel, only with more mental illness and less teeth.
Travel by air becomes more and more annoying the more restrictions are put into place for security. If you want to take liquids on a plane, you can...as long as no single container is greater than 3 ounces and all containers fit into a "quart-size, clear, resealable, zip-top bag." I'm not sure whether I believe there was ever any sort of plot that caused this or if the actual plot was one that involved companies that make Zip-loc bags and trial size toothpaste. Like everything else in air travel, the enforcement is completely arbitrary, so I managed to get on a plane in one airport with my toothpaste safely in my carry-on bag, only to have it confiscated at the next security station because it was three and a half ounces, and I might try to brush the teeth of the passengers around me against their will. (Personally, I'd think that would be a public service, but I guess not everyone agrees.)
One of the most fascinating things about air travel is the layover at an intermediate airport. You may be stopping in Detroit for three hours on your way from Chicago to St. Louis or spending all day in Charlotte when you travel from Denver to Los Angeles. Not only do the routes you have to take seem to make no sense, but the lengthy layovers provide you the opportunity to spend time observing the other people stuck in the airport with you. There may be families running from gate to gate trying not to miss their flight. There may be couples on their honeymoon, who are the only ones that don't seem to be frustrated by the entire process. Mostly, however, you will find the travelling businessman. There are a few differences depending on whether he is single and hitting on every girl in the gate area, just hanging out in the sports bar, or trying to be productive with his time before the next flight. In spite of these differences, you can still spot them based on the characteristics they (almost all) have in common. First, there is the ubiquitous cellphone, preferably a Blackberry. This is out and on at all times, and even while walking through the airport, the businessman will be sending emails on it. In addition, you can often spot them by the Bluetooth ear piece which makes it look like the terminal is full of extras from Flash Gordon. Of course, there are exceptions to this. You might even happen upon a business man who isn't wearing an earpiece, but rather carrying a book (and by a book, I mean the most recent John Grisham novel or a book about business management). The more time you spend in the airport, the more time you realize that there are really only about 10 people at most wandering around there with you, the rest are just clones of those 10. The real fun is figuring out which of that 10 you are.
It doesn't seem to matter which method of travel you choose, you have to deal with plenty of waiting as well as other people who may be concerned with things other than your convenience. It's useful if you have to travel an extremely long way, but otherwise, I think that until someone perfects the Stark Trek style transporter, I'll stick with my car.
6 comments:
I had to travel by bus yesterday. The interior was brightly colored with weird designs. It was as if the designer believed any one traveling by bus will drop acid and want to rave the entire trip.
Then on the way home it experienced some sort of malfunction that caused the bus to smoke and emit an electrical fire type oder. We pulled over. We sat for a minute. We hit the road again. Nobody looked at it. Nobody checked it out. Nobody reported to the passengers that "there's nothing to see here." It made me wish for a rave...
...and I might try to brush the teeth of the passengers around me against their will.
bah ha ha ha ha ha
The last time I flew I had a layover in Atlanta. On the day that several thunderstorms blew through which created quite the backup on the runway. Not to mention the computer malfunction in NY that for some reason affected all the bigger airports. The husband and I were lucky, our gate didn't change. So we got to sit back and watch all of the families, business pods, and honeymooners run to and fro in panic stricken sprints. Add in the always present asshole who has to bitch if even the slightest thing goes wrong, multiply it by 20 and that was my time in Atlanta.
And yes, the flirty business pod was there. Didn't matter that husband was there. Bluetooth must have taken away his awareness of his surroundings.
Which of the 10 am I? The nervous flier who is deeply medicated and outwardly making fun of the other 9 you outlined. We're an important part of society.
Stark Trek? Is that where they can only beam you over if you are naked? Or wearing only one color?
Anytime I'm in an airport, I've got blog fodder for like 3 weeks directly afterward.
And... a few weeks ago, I was in the pizza shop waiting for my order when a dude came in wearing the bluetooth earpiece. He picked up his stuff and left. As the door shut, I told the lady behind the counter that if she ever saw me walk into the shop wearing one of those things, she had license to slap me. It's a bit silly.
I kind of want a bluetooth phone (mine isn't) and headset just so I can be hands and wire free. But it really does look so silly.
The key to traveling is to buy the travel size bottles once (other than the toothpaste) and then just refill them over and over again. You'd be amazed at what actually fits in that quart-size bag. I traveled for 8 days with plenty left over.
Oh my God. I'm a BusinessMan? I suppose so. I've been equipped with the requisite blackberry (I won't even put it in proper noun case) that my company demands so that I may be contactable by at least three different electronic forms at all times. I typically carry a book (though never Grisham, heavens no). And I have a bluetooth wireless head/ear thingy. Damn. So lump me into that category of BM who: wears jeans when he flies because he would forever prefer comfort to corporate style; keeps his gear in a backpack because he doesn't want to be burdened with any more than can be slung over a shoulder during a layover; always checks his luggage because he's not in any big hurry and frankly if they lose it he'd relish a chance to show up at the office in said jeans with such a wonderfully air-tight excuse; travels with a PSP, an iPod, and a slender case full of DVD's because he hates to be away from home and needs constant entertainment until he returns; but also brings a large contingent of books with him because that's what he really prefers to do with his spare time and he chooses authors who could typically write circles around the likes of Grisham or the latest self-help for the workplace artiste du jour. Yes, that would be the ever-elusive BM#11: techno savvy, corporate eschewing, literary snob. We're rarely seen. We huddle in the corners with our Starbucks and Hemmingway, with our Seattle's Best and Steinbeck. We don't speak to you unless you ask us direct questions. We'd rather be left alone. We assume the pretty flight attendants feel the same, so we don't impose on their company-required congeniality and assume they're flirting with us. Likewise, we don't try to start conversations with the cadre of tanned coeds returning from spring break in their pajamas because they had to catch an early flight. We don't make small talk with the person next to us. We are polite if approached in kind, but our razor-sharp sarcasm will drive you away if you begin to annoy us. Our goal is to get from point A to point B, simply put, while trying to absorb as little of the idiotic world around us as possible. And on the rare occasion that a BM#11 spots another BM#11 en route, he or she will make eye contact and in a split-second pass between, like an arc of unseen electricity, the knowledge of the stupidity they have had to endure and the measures they have taken to overcome. This knowledge received in the eyes, and the only acknowledgment is a nod of the head, perhaps a sad smile, and we move on.
You know I've never ridden a train, except in Europe? Unless you count the train at Six Flags. I'd love to Amtrak it up to DC, just for the fun of it ... except that it sounds as if my a** is too ample for Amtrak.
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