Might as Well Face It, I'm Addicted to...

The Food Network?

It's true; I am. There are very few things that I really love to watch and will make an effort to watch on TV. Mostly, it's just a matter of what happens to be on at that moment. A large portion of the time, that means the TV just stays on the Food Network. This makes me very familiar with their shows, some of which I really like and some I really don't. For example:

Paula's Home Cooking with Paula Deen. She has all sorts of recipes that sound absolutely wonderful, but I often watch the show and wonder when my mother was given a TV show and why I wasn't told about it. (Sorry if you read this, Mom, but it's true.) This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just kind of odd.

Everyday Italian with Giada De Laurentis. I like some of the things she makes, but I am put off by the fact that she speaks to the camera as if it were a particularly dense three year old. Mostly, I watch this show because I am entranced by the size of her head. It's made worse by the fact that she's so skinny, but the head: Huge! This is the show most likely to make me quote So I Married an Axe Murderer.

30 Minute Meals or any other show with Rachael Ray. I go back and forth between enjoying these shows because she seems like a genuinely nice person and wondering if her family duct tapes her mouth shut at gatherings or if they are all like that. She walks the fine line between being happy and bubbly and being so over the top full of energy that you expect her to starting dancing and singing, "I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so, I'm so...scared." (That's right, a reference to the Saved By The Bell episode where Jesse is hooked on speed. Don't try to act like you aren't impressed.)

Iron Chef. I've dedicated whole posts to the subject before and mentioned it in passing other times, but I love Iron Chef. There are a million things about it that are just great. (It's even helped me set one of my life goals: One day, while watching Kobe get introduced, I realized that I want at some point in my life to have a job where I rise up from the floor surrounded by an orchestra playing my theme music to announce my arrival. That's not too much to ask, is it?) However, my love does not extend to Iron Chef America. It just doesn't work for me. It's too aware of its own campiness, yet too serious all at the same time.

Food Network Challenge. The whole idea is strange, but I really enjoy this show. It amazing to see what ideas people come up with for different recipes (pies, chicken recipes, etc.), but it's even more impressive to see the works of art people make when decorating cakes or sculpting with sugar. You might think that watching a pie baking competition would get tedious, but otherwise how would I know that there is someone out there named Raine Gottess. Go ahead. Say it out loud. No, her parents weren't hippies, why do you ask?

Good Eats with Alton Brown. This is one of my favorite shows on television, and Alton is my hero. Laugh all you want, but it's true. He's a nerd who likes to cook and fills his show with interesting facts and amusing pop culture references. How many people out there when planning a show about sugar would decide to have a dentist character asking, "Is it safe?" Not many, but I loved it. In case he happens to be reading: Alton, surely you could use another person as a guest on the show, just one episode or so. Maybe another nerd, who appreciates your humor and useless facts. It's just a suggestion. Oh, and by the way, the singing thing. You know, the episode with the "cutting board blues". Umm...you might wanna rethink whether you want to do that in the future. Again, just a suggestion.

Sure, it's a little sad that I could think of enough things to say about all these shows right of the top of my head. It's even worse that I had so much to say that the pretension of the Barefoot Contessa and Emeril's eyebrows and audience didn't even make the cut for this post, but at least I know that I have a problem. And knowing's half the battle.

Yo Joe...