Trivial Tuesday

Let's test your recall of the 1980's.

George Michael is in trouble again. This time he was found slumped over the wheel of his car and in possesion of "class C drugs." I'm not really interested in his legal troubles, however. What I am interested in is his early music career. Sure, you know the songs from his solo career and you know his songs from when he was in Wham, but that's far too easy. After all, Wham was really a group made up of George Michael and the other guy, much like Miami Vice was Don Johnson and that guy that played Tubbs.

So, who was that other guy that wasn't George Michael? And for a bonus, who was that other guy in Miami Vice?

Ah, what's a game without rules? Anarchy, that's what.

Be quick, because this isn't question shouldn't be too hard for those old enough to have worn their shirts with the collar turned up or to have worn jelly shoes.

Update: Well, the answer to the bonus question (Phillip Michael Thomas) came pretty quickly then Invisible Lizard came through with the main answer of Andrew Ridgeley as the other half of Wham.

A Madness To Our Method

Not too long ago, we bought a new dishwashing soap. The soap was Method Cucumber Melon. We found it in the store and smelled to determine if we liked it. The smell was pleasant, so we decided to give it a try. Sadly things didn't end quite as well as they begin. A few comments to take you through the progression of a new scent wearing out its welcome.

"I like this new soap. I could do dishes all the time."

"You know, I like the soap, but after a while, it becomes almost overwhelming."

"I could tell you were washing dishes from the other side of the house. The stupid cucumber melon scent was permeating the entire house."

"My water tastes like Method. The cup must not have been rinsed well enough."

"I tried soaking the cup in hot water and rinsing it repeatedly to get rid of the Method, but I only succeeded in making it angry."

"That's it. I'm through with this soap and we're going to have to throw away everything plastic that ever came in contact with it."

"Ooh. Method has a grapefruit scent."

Until later...

I've Got 99 Problems, But A List Ain't One

I've come to realize that I'm one of the few bloggers who has not yet done the quasi-obligatory 100 Things About Me list. So, without further ado, more information than you will ever need to know about me.

1. This list is going to take me forever. (I first started working on it January 26th, and I'm finally finished on February 26th.)
2. I grew up in the South.
3. And the Southwest.
4. People are often surprised that I grew up in the South, because I don't really have a southern accent.
5. I am left handed.
6. Despite all the evidence to the contrary on this blog, I'm actually fairly shy and quiet.
7. Until I get to know you, and I'm comfortable around you. Then you'll be lucky to get a word in edgewise.
8. My biggest fear is that I'm not good enough.
9. The "for ___" part doesn't matter.
10. I no longer have a gall bladder.
11. I broke my left arm in ninth grade.
12. I damaged my knee after my junior year in high school and had to have surgery to repair it.
13. I haven't severely injured myself in any way since then.
14. Just like my father, you can send me to the store for milk and bread and I might or might not remember to get them, but I won't forget the ice cream.
15. I enjoy having this blog, because it is almost the only creative outlet I have.
16. But sometimes, I feel overwhelmed when I can't think of anything to post for a couple of days, and I think about quitting.
17. I'm secretly afraid you are all making fun of me.
18. I love movies, talking about movies, quoting movies and dreaming that I could one day create a movie.
19. I love to eat, and because I like to know all about the things I enjoy, I like to cook.
20. I really prefer baking to cooking, though, because cooking is more art and baking is more science.
21. I love chocolate, but I tend to drive other people insane when I start rambling on about the technical details of it.
22. I can easily become a bit too zealous and overcommit myself.
23. I have some of the world's worst handwriting.
24. I stink at keeping in touch with people. I'm not even good with remembering to call my own family.
25. Knowing this about myself made it very hard for me recently when a good friend moved away.
26. I love playing board games.
27. I'm not competitive enough to care if I win.
28. I do care if I'm not any good, though.
29. This is by far the most personal post I've ever done.
30. And I don't like that.
31. I'm about 6'3".
32. I have a hard time finding clothing because it is not often made for people of my proportions.
33. I have to search or I'll end up with shirtsleeves that end well above my wrist.
34. I'm very picky about my button-up shirts.
35. I will not wear short-sleeved button-up dress shirts even when it's 90+ degrees outside.
36. I also wear broadcloth shirts almost exclusively, because the weave of Oxford shirts really bothers me.
37. I have an even harder time finding shoes.
38. My feet are big, but I have narrow heels.
39. When I buy athletic shoes, I have to buy size 15.
40. I could never grow a beard.
41. Even if I wanted to, I can never get growth beyond the Don Johnson Miami Vice stubble.
42. That look doesn't work for me; I just look like a slob.
43. When I accidentally got my hair cut too short, I looked like Bobby Hill.
44. This has happened three times.
45. One of these involved "repairing" a horrible haircut I received from a supposed professional, the other two were at home and involved the word "oops."
46. I have degrees from New Mexico State University and the University of Illinois.
47. I am obsessive-compulsive, but you probably knew that from my tag line and from many of the items on this list.
48. I love to play video games. I may be almost 30, but I enjoy playing games on my computer and PS2.
49. The Civilization and Age of Empires games are probably the best that I've ever played.
50. Then again, there is also the EA Sports line of games.
51. I would love to be on Jeopardy.
52. But I'd probably humiliate myself.
53. Maybe instead of being a contestant I'd rather take over Alex Trebeck's job.
54. I also always wanted to be on Win Ben Stein's Money.
55. But I would have ended up wearing the dunce hat they put on the people who phrase the answer in the form of a question.
56. This list is all out of order and it really bothers me that it's not organized properly.
57. But I'm writing things as they come to mind, so I'll probably leave it.
58. I'll actually leave it because I'm lazy.
59. I have two siblings, both sisters.
60. They are both older than me.
61. Yes, that makes me the baby of the family. Feel free to make whatever jokes you wish now.
62. Since my sisters are both older than me, and also considerably more mature and adult-like I have 6 nieces/nephews (2 and 4, respectively).
63. I have been an uncle since I was 12.
64. This means that when I hear the ages of certain children of siblings, I feel very old.
65. I once owned a pair of Converse All-Stars that were a nice bright blue.
66. Turquoise, actually.
67. Shut up, it was the eighties.
68. The laces were fat and day-glo.
69. Now that I think about it, I think they weren't really Converse, but a store brand replica. I'm really not sure, though.
70. I was about 8. What do want from me?
71. I was once told by a doctor that I have really narrow ear canals.
72. I'm still not sure if I was being insulted, complimented or if she was just making an observation.
73. I work for a gigantic, publicly traded company.
74. I'm tired of being bought and sold like a side of beef.
75. The benefits do help make up for it, though.
76. On top of my monitor at work, I have a Homies figurine.
77. It's figurine of Death (actually La Muerte).
78. I keep him there to boost morale.
79. I got it from a vending machine at the train station.
80. I have owned 4 cars in my life.
81. I never thought I would, but I once owned purple car.
82. In other car related things I didn't ever think I'd have, I currently drive a car with a personalized license plate.
83. The plate might as well be a giant sign that says, "Nerd on Board."
84. I am a Libra.
85. I am a dragon.
86. I have been married since 1998.
87. I live in the Kalamazoo, Michigan area.
88. I wasn't really sure that Kalamazoo was an actual place until I came here for a job interview.
89. I hate trying to explain my job to people.
90. They just look at me like I'm sort of idiot and wonder why its necessary.
91. I'm very displeased with the shape I am in currently.
92. I need to lose a lot of weight.
93. I actually lost quite a bit of weight a couple years ago, but I have since put most if not all of it back on.
94. I've learned that self-loathing only works as motivation for losing weight once.
95. The second time, it just makes me lose all motivation and feel like I might as well bulk up to 400 pounds.
96. I could eat a lot of ice cream to get up to 400.
97. And barbecue. (I am from the South remember)
98. I use the initials CK for this blog, but despite what certain people have decided, I am neither Calvin Klein nor Craig Kilborn. (But I did like The Daily Show more when Craig Kilborn was the host.)
99. Since we're on the subject of TV and I'm having a hard time get these list finished: Some of my favorite TV shows are Iron Chef, Lost, The Simpsons, Mythbusters and Good Eats.
100. If you're having blog problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems, but a list ain't one. (...anymore)

One Bad Apple Don't Spoil The Whole Bunch, Girl

As I pawed through the produce at the grocery store the other day, this Jackson 5 song popped into my head. It occurred to me just how horribly inaccurate the song actually is.

Once I stopped to think about it, I realized that one bad apple may not actually spoil the whole bunch, but it's not so good either. Randomly choosing one apple and finding it to be unacceptable is fairly indicative of improper storage conditions or inferior produce. This implies that perhaps the whole bunch should at least considered be suspect, if not rejected outright.

After further thought (and further perusal of the subpar produce), I had a second problem with the song. Given sufficient time, one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch. Try it sometime. Take a piece of fruit that is rotting, covered in mold or otherwise no longer ok. Place the bad fruit into a container with other acceptable fruit. Watch as they all become mushy, inedible masses. One bad apple did spoil the whole bunch.

Finally I decided that perhaps I spend a little too much time thinking about these things, and I should stop. So, I picked the best oranges I could find (yeah, this whole thing wasn't even about apples) and moved on to frozen foods section so I could pick out the ice cream.

Until later...

Advance Praise for The Fount of Useless Information

"If he had any less talent, he'd be my next husband." Britney Spears, former recording star

“With The Fount of Useless Information, CK manages to successfully pass himself off as the wittiest and most perceptive man in the world.” David Sedaris, author of Me Talk Pretty One Day

"Surpasses The Da Vinci Code in almost every aspect." Denver Post

"It's not even all that funny when I'm high, and when I'm high even that new Freddie Prinze, Jr. show is funny." Dave Chapelle

"A ponderous, many-layered blog that is exquisitely versed in the art of stalling." New York Times

"It's the greatest thing I've ever read. But then, we all know not to believe a word I say." James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces

Note: all reviews completely made up or stolen from reviews of various books. No celebrities endorse this blog or even read it. If you really needed this disclaimer, you can find more information here.

Trivial Tuesday

I'm too lazy to spend much time thinking of a question, so this will probably be pretty easy.

In 1999, Rosa Parks sued a hip-hop group for using her name as the title of a song without permission. The suit was eventually dismissed only to be refiled in 2004 and settled out of court in early 2005. Who was this Atlanta-based duo?

Ready, set, answer...

Update: Congrats to Maine, who knew that the answer was Outkast.

Hard Knock Life

Dear Kitchen Cabinets,

You really are quite useful. We put things in you, and you are nice enough to hold them until we need them again. I can even trust you with my precious supply of chocolate and know that you won't eat it before I need to cook with it. You do a lot of good things, and that's why it's so hard for me to say this, but it has to be said.

Could you please be closed? I know most people can walk right under you, so it usually doesn't matter if your doors are wide open. Unfortunately, the corners of your doors happen to be pretty much at head level for me. When I walk into the kitchen, I am often blindsided by a door and end up staggering around, checking to see if there is blood pouring from my scalp. While I'm sure it doesn't exactly feel great for you either, it really is quite painful for me. If you could do your best to keep your doors shut in the future, your efforts would be greatly appreciated.

Remember, it's all fun and games until somebody has to go to the ER with a closed head injury.

Thanks for your time,

The unconscious guy on the floor

Trivial Tuesday

In the oft-quoted movie, The Princess Bride, the character of Vizzini was played by Wallace Shawn. He has been in many movies and is easily recognizable, but what about his voice? How easily would you recognize that.

Wallace Shawn has done voiceover work in many films and television shows. Among his many credits are three animated films by Pixar. Name those three movies and as a bonus tell me the voices he provided.

Sure you could cheat and look it up on IMDB, but you're above that aren't you?

Comment. Answer. Win. Rejoice.

Update: Congrats to Becki, who remembered that he was in The Incredibles, Toy Story and Toy Story 2.

The bonus answers were provided by Invisible Lizard who told us that he was the voice fo Rex, the Green Dinosaur, in Toy Story 1 & 2, and by MC Etcher who knew that in The Incredibles, Wallace Shawn provided the voice of Mr. Incredibles boss.

As a complete aside, he also appears in Monsters, Inc. as Rex the Green Dinosaur, but only in the outtakes, so that didn't count for this question.

For those of you who haven't seen The Princess Bride or the Toy Story movies (Maine, I'm talking to you), stop wasting your time and go watch them. There may not be a lot of explosions, but they are more than worth your time.

So I Can Clearly Not Choose The Wine in Front of Me

One of the things that Melissa got me for Christmas this year was Civilization IV. I've been a huge fan of the Civ games since the first time I played one. Civ IV is no different in that respect than the others. It is enjoyable and can be played repeatedly. One day you might decide to focus all your research on military topics so that you can conquer the world. Another time, you might decide that you want to win by being elected by the United Nations. You could even focus on science and win the Space Race. Military victories have actually been made a little more difficult than in some of the earlier versions.

When I first got the game, I had a hard time playing because I needed more RAM for our desktop PC. We bought some and installed it, so I have been playing Civ IV much more recently. As the game loads, it puts up all sorts of tips on how to play and ideas about how to focus your civilization. After a while I stopped paying attention to this because I didn't need to be told that I should have my workers build farms if I need more food or trade with other civilizations to gain access to new resources. Then a day or two ago, I noticed that it gave me a bit of advice I'd never seen before:

"Never get involved in a land war in Asia."

I'm still waiting for it to tell me not to go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

Until later...

The Way Back Machine: Beauty School Dropout

When I was kid, we had an enormous Buick as our family car. This was quite enjoyable on road trips, since as the last of three children, I was assigned the middle of the backseat. You know, the place where all the leg room is taken up by that pointless hump on the floor. Fortunately, I was still young and my legs didn't require quite as much room as they do now.

One of the great features of the Buick was its 8-Track player. On those stretches of road in West Texas where there were few towns and fewer radio stations, we could remained entertained by listening to music like Stardust by Willie Nelson, the soundtrack from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Grease soundtrack. I was still young and there were plenty of things in the movie and soundtrack of Grease that were beyond my comprehension at the time. One of these involved the song "Beauty School Dropout." During the song, Frankie Avalon sings in one line that "no customer would go to her, unless she was a hooker." Even as a child, I needed to know and understand everything, which lead to the following exchange:

Me: Mom, what's a hooker?
Mom: Well, it's someone who...sells her body for money.
Me: (uncomprehending) Oh.
(pause)
Me: Anybody wanna buy a head?
All but me: (laughter)

I hope you enjoyed laughing at the childhood version of me. I know I did. Perhaps we'll do it again sometime.

Until later...

At Least It Was More Enjoyable Than The Pauly Shore Movie

I had jury duty a couple of day ago, and while I don't mind doing my civic duty, I do wonder why I get called so often. I know plenty of people who have never been called, yet I'm back every 366 days. Each time I get the questionnaire in the mail, I think that surely it's too soon. As I read, I come to the question: "Have you served jury duty in the past year? If so, you may be excused." Calling up the court's Jury services office, I explain that I'm not exactly sure of the date I last served but it hasn't been very long. The woman on the other end of the line explains, "Nope, you can't be excused. We waited until the first day you were eligible again and then immediately sent a summons. You just do such a good job of sitting in a room all day that we wanted you back. See you in a couple weeks."

Since I had to serve again recently, I figured I might as well share some thoughts I had during that time. For those of you who have never had jury duty (and judging by how often I'm called, that would be most of you), the process consists almost entirely of sitting around in a room full of strangers and wondering which of them is the unshowered one smelling up the waiting area. This time, after we had waited for a bit, we had a judge come in to explain the importance of jury duty. He stood at a podium and began to orate on the greatness that is the American judicial system. After a while, he proceeded to explain to us how important we all are as potential jurors and that people around the world wish that they could have the privilege of serving as jurors. As I sat there with my fellow potential jurors in row upon row of chairs staring at the man preaching from the podium, I was overcome with the feeling that I had stumbled into a church where, rather than preaching the importance of God, we extol the values of our nation. I almost expected someone to ask to be baptized after he finished.

After he completed the sermon, we were treated to a wonderful film explaining the court system and once again reminding us that we were extremely important. It reminded me quite a bit of the type of filmstrips we had to watch when I was an elementary school student. All it really lacked was an intro by Troy McClure: "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as 'Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun' and 'Firecrackers: The Silent Killer.'" Instead we had an NBC new correspondent introducing and narrating the film. Maybe I'm cynical, but as soon as he introduced himself I started wondering what he had done that caused him to have to do this as his community service. My official guess was DUI, but maybe skipping jury duty was a more logical choice.

Before the film ended, we were interrupted by an announcement that several groups needed to assemble in the hallway. My group was one of those called, so I collected my belongings and moved into the hallway.¹ After we milled about in the hall for a few minutes, someone came out and began calling names to make sure that we were all there. After we established that none of us had attempted to sneak away, we were taken to a courtroom where the judge and both attorneys could determine which 14 people would best make up the jury. They called people one by one to fill the positions in the jury box, and as I waited for my name, I couldn't help wondering how one obtains the job of gate holder and if this woman's only job was simply to hold the gate open for potential jurors and excused jurors going in or out.

The process of the jury selection was not exactly like you see on television shows, in that on television you typically are not left feeling like both attorneys are something short of intelligent, and they also typically do not lay out their plan for the entire trial in the questioning of the jury on TV. The judge asked a series of basic questions about knowing any one involved in the case, health problems that would interfere, etc. and excused anyone who would potentially be a problem. Each excused juror was replaced by another of us still sitting in the back of the courtroom waiting to hear our names. After the judge completed questioning, each attorney was able to ask a series of questions and dismiss jurors based on responses or other non-specified reasons. The questioning process was a bit strange. Actually, let me give some examples.

Prosecutor: Juror number 3, do you ever watch The Simpsons?
#3: On occasion.
P: Do you happen to remember the episode where Homer decides to become an inventor? If so, do you remember the makeup gun he invents, and then shoots Marge with, causing her to state that he had the gun "set on whore"? ²
#3: Yes, actually. I just saw that rerun a few days ago.
P: Excellent. Would you agree that the defense attorney looks as if she purchased said gun on eBay?
#3: Umm...yes. Sorry, no offense intended ma'am. ³

Defense: Number 9, do you think the Prosecutor is fooling anyone with that crew cut? He seems to think it would project an image of a guy who's tough on crime and distract us from the fact that he has crane his neck to look at Tom Cruise.
#9: I kinda like the crew cut. He looks like he's trying out for a stage version of Stand By Me. ⁴

P: Juror #5, Mr. Smeeth, is it?
#5: It's pronounced Smith, just like it's written.
P: Very well, I'll make a note of that. Now, do you feel that you could convict someone and send them to the gas chamber for running a red light even if we have no physical evidence?
#5: I'm not so sure.
P: Let's say, hypothetically, that the defendant ran a red light. We have no physical evidence, but we have a witness who claims to have seen him run that light. If you, hypothetically of course, believe that witness, would you be willing to follow the law and sentence him to death?
#5: I guess if you put it that way, I don't have much choice.

D: Number 7, do you believe that all people who are not my client are pathological liars?
#7: Some might be.
D: So how would you tell who is telling the truth? If you have two people telling different versions of the same story, how could you tell who to believe?
#7: Body language? Look them in the eye?
D: Oh, so you're an expert now?
#7: No, but...
D: The defense would like to dismiss juror number 7.

D: New number 7, are you aware that you could not possibly be as smart as I am?
#7a: I'm sorry, what?
D: Your mere mortal brain is weak and powerless compared to mine.
#7a: Is that a question?
D: No, not really, just an observation. Do you believe that the prosecution's idea of charging my client without physical evidence is idiotic? I mean, has he never watched CSI? ⁵
#7a: Physical evidence would be nice. Helpful even.
D: Do you believe that without Gil Grissom, the prosecution has no case?
#7a: Their case is certainly weaker, but then again the evidence could just be buried under all your makeup.

P: Juror 1, do you think that you can make a decision between my witness and the defendant and say that the defendant is guilty?
#1: I haven't heard any testimony yet.
P: The defendant will tell you his story, in which he is innocent. My witness will tell you another story, in which the defendant is decidedly guilty. We have no evidence on either side. Will you vote guilty, because I'm not putting you on the jury unless you say yes.
#1: Did I wake up in the middle of Rashomon this morning?

Fortunately for me, I never made it up to the jury box, I simply sat in my seat until both attorneys were satisfied with the jurors. With the jury picked, they released the remainder of us with a pat on the back and a lecture from another judge about how important we were. The final tally, 4 hours of time, $12.50 coming in the mail and $2.50 paid out of pocket for parking. Considering the nature of the case, I probably would not have been chosen anyway, but the nature of the case also made me glad that I didn't have to deal with it.

I was exhausted at that point, even though I had done nothing but sit. Since I couldn't justify not going in, I returned to work for the rest of the day and accumulated even more stress. At the end of the day, I certainly didn't feel like making or even waiting for dinner, so we ordered food from Chili's that we could just pick up on the way home. It was then that we discovered an issue of even greater judicial import: When you pick up food from a place like Chili's where one person handles taking the order and assembling it as well as handling the transaction, do you tip or not tip?

Until later...

¹ It didn't really fit with the narrative a this point, but I wanted to mention something that I noticed. Before moving out to the hallway, I realized that this might be my last chance to use a restroom for a few hours, so I took the opportunity. That was the least vandalized public restroom, I've ever seen. I guess when they are not only in a courthouse, but in the jury area where they keep a list of who is there and who isn't, vandals don't want to press their luck.

² If you're counting, that's two Simpsons references in a post about court.

³ And yes, she did.

⁴ I know none of them had crew cuts. The closest was Vern ⁶ and it was more of a buzz cut. You got the point didn't you?

⁵ CSI was actually brought up by the prosecuting attorney, as was Wheel of Fortune. This is how he chose to question potential jurors.

⁶ Am I the only one that looks back at the movie and is shocked that Vern was played by Jerry O'Connell?

Trivial Tuesday

It's been reported recently that the next couple of Batman films may star Paul Bettany as the Joker and Jake Gyllenhaal as Two-Face. You probably remember that Two-Face was played by Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever, but his real-life alter-ego, District Attorney Harvey Dent, was played by someone else entirely back in Batman in 1989. Who was that slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler?

First comment with the correct answer wins.

Until later...

Update: Congrats to Invisible Lizard who knew that Dent was played by Billy Dee Williams, better known to Star Wars fans as Lando Calrissian (the role which was also the source of the "slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler" quote above).

The Super Bowl XL Running Diary

It's Super Bowl time again, so I'm trying a running diary again. Everyone will update you on the game itself, so I'll update on just about everything else with a few football notes added in. This event isn't just about football, it's about Pop Culture. Here at The Fount of Useless Information, we believe that pop culture is culture, too.

I'll talk about anything that catches my attention, especially any new ads. Ads (but not movie trailers) will get a rating of 1-10 based on if I liked them. You can disagree, but that probably just means you're wrong. Ready? Here we go.

6:01 - To celebrate the 40th anniversary, we introduce the former Super Bowl MVPs. Seeing them all listed makes me realize: There are some pretty forgettable guys in that group. So in all 40 years, are there no dead MVPs or are we just discretely skipping over them?

6:04 - The MVPs from the Steelers Super Bowls get a huge reception. This might as well be a home game for Pittsburgh tonight.

6:05 - MVP of SB III, Joe Namath. He manages to walk out without telling anyone "I wanna kiss you." Good job, Joe.

6:06 - A McDonalds ad with a hamster that wants to be an NFL mascot. Umm...what? 3/10

6:07 - Lots and lots of men are chasing a Full Throttle energy drink truck. "Let your man out." Should I feel less secure in my masculinity because I don't care about Full Throttle? 3/10

6:09 - Seattle comes out of the tunnel to "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve. Odd choice. (But appropriate, as it turns out.)

6:13 - Please rise for the National Anthem sung by...(Please let it be Carl Lewis. Please let it be Carl Lewis.)...Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin. Aww, man.

6:14 - Neville sounds pretty bad, but at least Aretha doesn't have to worry about working hard to make sure she shows up her singing partner.

6:15 - An ad for Click. It looks like typical Adam Sandler, but I'd gladly go see someone get hit in the head with a baseball.

6:16 - It's not new, but I love this Tostito's ad. "That would never fly in the corporate world."

6:16 - In a Pizza Hut ad, Jessica Simpson moves on from Nick to adolescent boys. That's how she gets all her sales anyway. 2/10

6:18 - Harrison Ford reads "Oh The Places You'll Go" in the Super Bowl intro. Take the earring out and get to work on Indy 4, Harrison.

6:22 - Why is Tom Brady out here for the coin toss? Can the NFL not have one game without him?

6:26 - I hate the intros with the players themselves telling you their names and schools. People give names that aren't theirs and fake schools. If they are going to do this, they should at least have Michael Vick introduce himself as Ron Mexico.

6:32 - Bud Light ad where an employee hid beer around the office like Easter eggs. Funny. 7/10

6:33 - Whopperettes ad for Burger King, concluding with a creepy dogpile to form a Whopper. Do they fight over who has to be the onion? 4/10

6:36 - They just mentioned that Ben Roethlisberger took over for Tommy Maddox last year. It's a big deal to take over the starting job from an XFL vet.

6:39 - Sierra Mist ad. They aren't funny normally. Kathy Griffin, less funny. 1/10

6:39 - Bud Light ad with the "magic fridge". They're 2 for 2. 8/10

6:41 - With Roethlisberger, von Oelhoffen, Polamalu, Hasselbeck and Tatupu this is the greatest collection of last names in Super Bowl history.

6:45 - The more I see of Matt Hasselbeck and his hairline, the more I think he is a lot like Jeff Garcia would be if he were straight and not 5 years past his prime.

6:47 - Fed Ex ad with cavemen and messenger pterodactyl. Clever and funny. 8/10

6:48 - Bud Light ad with two guys getting chased by a bear. Would be more amusing if I didn't see Grizzly Man on the Discovery Channel last night and didn't have the thought of two people who were actually killed by a bear fresh in my mind.

6:51 - V for Vendetta. Great trailer, but the bald Portman still bugs me.

6:52 - Diet Pepsi ad with Jay Mohr and (P.) Diddy. That's two strikes right away. Besides, I feel like Diet Pepsi as a musical artist would be a lot like Kevin Federline. 2/10

6:59 - Seattle scores first, which isn't amusing, so I'll point out that their kicker looks like a 12 year old boy.

7:00 - Ameriquest continues the "Don't Judge Too Quickly" ad campaign from last year, and it's still funny. 8/10

7:01 - More Bud Light ads. Guys pretend to work on the roof to hang out, grill and drink beer. All wives, please don't believe this. If we claim to be working, we are. Don't check on our progress. Everything is under control. 6/10

7:04 - Another Diet Pepsi ad. This time Diet Pepsi does a Jackie Chan movie and uses Diet Coke as a stunt double. Funnier than the last one. 4/10

7:05 - Trailer for Cars. Pixar films are always enjoyable so I'm looking forward to this.

7:05 - Dancing with the Stars. How much do they have to pay these people to humiliate themselves like this?

7:10 - A bald guy in the stands is wearing a Hasselbeck jersey. I was planning to make a joke about the similarities but Al Michaels already did. Is the joke too obvious if the sportscaster beats you to it?

7:12 - A continuation of Budweiser's Clydesdales playing football ads. All the animals are watching and a newly shorn sheep runs out onto the field. "Streaker" Hilarious. 9/10

7:17 - The Career Builder chimps are back. I really wish they weren't. 2/10

7:18 - That Escalade ad with all the models coming out of the water was just weird. 1/10

7:20 - Trailer for Mission:Impossible 3, or as they are promoting it: M:I:III. Could we have more letters possibly?

7:21 - The Dove Self-Esteem Fund. Helping girls feel better about themselves. Also helping Cyndi Lauper feel better about herself by using "True Colors".

7:22 - There's a new show on ABC with Orlando Jones, whose career peaked when he was the 7-UP guy, and that dude from Silk Stalkings. Do I even need to make a joke?

7:26 - Chris Berman does play by play of The Shaggy Dog. Painful. Very painful.

7:26 - Kermit the Frog in a Ford Escape Hybrid ad. Cute...ish. 5/10

7:27 - Michelob Light coed football game ad. Unexpected turn and very amusing. 7/10

7:29 - It's bad that you have to risk injury when you play football. It's really bad when people pull your pants down and talk about your groin on TV. That's the definition of adding insult to injury.

7:35 - Godaddy.com ad. They weren't funny last year and they aren't funny now. 1/10

7:38 - Poseidon. I've always wished there were more disaster movies and remakes.

7:39 - Gilette introduces a 5-blade razor. When will someone just invent a 30-blade razor and really raise the stakes?

7:40 - Pittsburgh scores and all 5 Seattle fans in the stadium are bummed.

7:41 - I'm sick of the Overstock woman and the innuendo of the ads.

7:48 - Listing sponsors, Al Michaels mentions Diet Pepsi and has to say, "Brown & Bubbly." I wonder if he hates this part of his job.

7:54 - It's halftime, and I'd like to take this moment to ponder those lime green stripes on the Seahawks uniforms. Did they look at them and say, "Light blue, dark blue, white and black. What wouldn't go with this color scheme at all?" This isn't even a close to a normal color. Those stripes are neon green like the laces of my Chuck Taylors in the mid-80's. What? Like your taste in the 80's was any better.

7:56 - Sprint cell phone ad. "My phone has crime deterrent." 8/10

8:05 - ABC promotes Lost with a Robert Palmer parody. "Might as well face it you're addicted to Lost." Clever and true.

8:06 - Confession. The Rolling Stones are out for halftime and I'm really upset that I wasted a perfectly good zombie joke at last year's McCartney halftime show. Can't someone inform me of these things ahead of time?

8:10 - Mick wants to know if everyone is doing alright. Your audience is at the Super Bowl and gets to see the Rolling Stones as an added bonus, so I think you can assume they're doing pretty well, Mick.

8:19 - Somebody has to say it, and it might as well be me: The Stevie Wonder pre-game performance was a lot better than the Stones.

8:21 - My local station just reminded me that I'm watching the Super Bowl. That's good. I wasn't sure if it was actually the Winter Olympics.

8:33 - Pittsburgh scores and the 5 Seahawks fans are upset that they can't blame this one on the refs. (Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to tonight's running joke.)

8:35 - Sharpie Retractable ad. Amusing and pirates are always cool. 6/10

8:42 - A young clydesdale wants to pull the Budweiser wagon and his parents help. Kinda cute. 6/10

8: 43 - Nationwide ad with Fabio suddenly turning old. That was just scary. 5/10

8:50- People are wearing biohazard suits to prevent the spread of bacteria. PS. Practical Solution. Sorta funny, sorta odd. 5/10

8:54 - After an interception, Seattle scores, sending 4 of their 5 fans in the stands into hysterics.

8:55 - More Career Builder chimps. It's getting old. 1/10

8:55 - Taco Bell Crunchwrap guy makes a connection with nerdy girl over Spandau Ballet's "True." 6/10

9:01 - For the second time this game the Seattle trainers have had a player remove his pants. Apparently, they're hiring defrocked priests.

9:02 - Another movie trailer. Anthony Hopkins in The World's Fastest Indian. So, first he was a black man, now he's Indian? Sir Anthony has some interesting heritage.

9:15 - Sprint again. A guy has downloaded a song for everything. His couch is on fire and he plays the "Benny Hill" theme song. Not as funny. 6/10

9:23 - Degree ad in "Stunt City". Pretty stupid, actually. 1/10

9:24 - Emerald Nuts expands on it's campaign from lasts year. Good but not great. 7/10

9:28 - The Steelers run a trick play for a touchdown and 2 of those 5 Seattle fans just left to beat the rush.

9:30 - MacGuyver Mastercard ad. That was genius. 8/10

9:40 - From here on out, it's just gonna be Bettis getting the ball and running out the clock.

9:55 - Last new ad of the night. It's for Outback, and it's just dumb. What a waste.

9:59 - Last chance for Seattle...and they're still alive for the moment.

10:02- But not anymore. The 3 remaining Seahawk fans are rushing out so they don't have to see the Lombardi trophy presentation.

10:04 - I don't work for the NFL. They can't fine me, so I'll go ahead and say that this was a horribly officiated game. It's supposed to be your leagues big showcase. You should make sure your refs get things right.

So, the game was good but not great. The ads were mostly meh, with some good, but none that will be classics. My favorite ads of the night: Sprint's "Crime Deterrent", Budweiser's "Streaker" and Fed Ex's "Cavemen" ad. It's past time for me to go to bed, so it's not exactly getting much in the way of proofreading. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm too tired to care.

Until later...

Claiming Money Is The Key, So Keep on Dreaming

Television advertising is a strange medium. We're building up to the day when companies unleash their biggest and most innovative ads on the Super Bowl viewing public, all with the intent of generating enough buzz to gain some extra business. Most of these ads won't convince anyone that their product is any better than a competitors, but it might help the company name and image be fresh in your mind the next time you are at the store. With the impending advertising blitzkrieg in mind, let's go over some things I've noticed in ads recently.

Whoever wrote that Freecreditreport.com jingle needs to be fired. Even more, they need to be punished for making that thing stick in my head for days at a time.

I'm sick of the King from Burger King, but I know that they are building up to a big Super Bowl ad. Whatever it is, I can only hope that it involves regicide.

Doggy Steps. Maybe it's just my bias as the owner of a 70-plus pound dog that has no problem climbing on whatever chair he wants without the aid of these lovely carpeted steps, but I'm thinking that if you have a dog that can't climb up onto the furniture that might be a good thing.

Dennis Haysbert is doing ads for All State, now. That's great for him, but I'm not sure I'm ok with the former President of the United States is pushing car insurance.

I'm still waiting for the ad where Mama McNabb smashes Terrell Owens over the head with a can of Chunky Soup as if it were a folding chair. "That's what you get for talking trash about my son."

The ad that bugs me the most recently is the Wendy's ad where everyone compares things to the cost of items on the 99 cent value menu. A woman looks at a pair of shoes, "Oh, they're 85 Frostys." A man asks the babysitter how much she makes, "Like 6 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers an hour." Maybe I'm too literal, but are those shoes really $84.15 and does the babysitter make $5.94, or were they meaning $85.00 and $6.00? It's a 99 cent menu, not a dollar menu. At the end of the commercial, a guy tells his wife that she looks like a million Crispy Chicken Nuggets. Ok, that's actually $990000, which is nice, but not a million bucks. However, the nuggets are 5 for 99 cents, so in reality he's telling her that she looks like $198,000 - a long way from saying she looks like a million bucks. I don't know why I think about this stuff, but I do, and because I do, the commercial drives me nuts. Oh well, that's my 0.0202 Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxes.

Until later...