A Song Not Likely to Make the Christmas Compilation CD

Since we all know just how much I amuse myself (as evidenced here), here is another horrifying attempt at rewriting lyrics to music which was never intended to have anything to do with Christmas or any other holiday. (For anyone not familiar with the song Dragula by Rob Zombie, the video can be seen here.) As always, apologies to the original artist and anyone with taste.^*

Red, I am the Claus, checking my list twice

I know who's naughty, and who has been nice

Red, I wear the suit, and the beard of white

I bring children toys, on one magic night

[Chorus]

Toys for the good ones

And coal by met-ric tons

I load in the back of my

Reindeer Sleigh

(Repeat Chorus)

Red, I drive the sleigh, Rudolph leads the way

Reindeer that can fly, only elves know why

Red, I have the sack, slung across my back

Chimneys I descend, you can't comprehend

(Chorus 2X)

Red, I bring the joy, but elves make the toys

Labor costs stay low, stockings overflow

Red, I always see, you can't hide from me 

Some think I'm a creep, watching while you sleep

(Chorus: repeat ad infinitum)

^*I feel like someone has done this parody before, but I couldn't find it despite lots of googling. So, if I'm being unoriginal, it's definitely not intentional.

It's Hard Out Here For A Geek

Sometimes being a geek impacts how you see the world. You can see the exact same thing as other people, but have a completely different experience. A few of the more recent examples:

Watching a trailer for the new Star Trek movie.

Normal person: "Star Trek? Another one? How many is that? Ooh, explosions."

Geek: "Wait a minute! Are those Romulans? How are they going to spend the entire movie not letting any of the Federation people see them? No one knew what they looked like until "Balance of Terror" and that's supposed to be decades later. You can't make a prequel and completely ignore the canon of the series." 

Seeing a trailer for Watchmen

Normal person: "How many comic book movies can they make? What's with that blue guy, and is he not wearing any pants?"

Geek: "I'm glad they kept the 1985 with Nixon still as president setting for this. They better not screw it up though. I know the ending is kind of weird and might be hard to translate to film, but if they mess that up they might as well not have bothered making it. They always mess things up. It's no wonder Alan Moore won't even take their money or let them use his name any more. That reminds me, I need to go online and see if opening day tickets are on sale yet."

Seeing an ad for Mortal Kombat vs. D.C. Universe

Normal person: "A new game. I want it." or possibly "A new game? It's going to corrupt my babies. Now let's go watch 24."

Geek: "How can we play this game with Superman involved? Is there kryptonite in the game? No? Then I pick Superman. Therefore, the battle is already over. The winner? Me! Ha ha ha! Rematch? You lose again! Had enough? I thought so!"

Watching the trailer for The Day The Earth Stood Still

Normal person: "Keanu? Really? You must be kidding."

Geek: "Keanu? Really? You must be kidding."

Chex Mix-a-Lot

I made Chex Mix tonight which brought up a few thoughts.

I realized that if I were to ever become a vegetarian (a real one, not just one of those "it's not cute, so it's ok" ones.) something I wouldn't automatically think of that I would miss would be Worcestershire sauce. Sure there are substitutes, but if the fake bacon is anything to go on, it's no substitute.

Speaking of substitutes, I once accidentally used soy sauce while making chex mix. Wow, it was bad. You could have used that batch to kill slugs in the garden. It was the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt!

I was making what the box referred to as the "original" chex mix. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't this recipe once involve an oven? In addition, what exactly is standard in chex mix?  Over the years, there have been additions and subtractions so many times that I don't even know what should and shouldn't be there, but I'm pretty sure that bagel chips (which are listed in the recipe now) rye chips and those weird little breadstick things that come in the bagged chex mix are not canon.