Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

I rented Star Wars: The Force Unleashed last week and played through it during the week and weekend. Yeah, I know. I'm doubly a nerd for not only playing a game, but one based on Star Wars. It was a lot of fun though. I couldn't help comparing it to other Star Wars gaming experiences I have had, specifically SW: Knights of the Old Republic¹. With the experience and that comparison in mind, some observations (both good and bad) about the game:

-The gameplay is incredibly linear. Yes, there is a story and a reason for each planet you go to and what you have to do there, but as far as choices you are as limited as if it were Super Mario Brothers. It's a straight progression from A to B to C (or Kashyyyk to Raxus Prime to the Death Star as the case may be). Actually, in Super Mario Brothers, you could actually choose to warp to specific worlds, so I guess it's even more limited in choices of it's progression. Yes, the game has multiple endings, but they literally branch from who you decide to fight in the game's final scene.

-Along the same lines, I found myself wishing that I could change more about my character. Yes, he has different costumes (more on that later) and you can customize his lightsaber (again, more later) but there was no real effect from any of the changes. Going back to KOTOR, everything you did had an impact on the character, weapons, armor, even decisions you made meant differences in powers and how people react to you. I guess what I'm saying is that I would have preferred more of a RPG feel and less simple hack and slash.

-However, one of the biggest problems I always had with KOTOR (to the point that I have used fan-made patches in the past to change this) was that for a game where you are a Jedi, too much time is spent becoming a Jedi and not getting to handle a lightsaber. Force Unleashed has no such problem. From the very first mission, you are a full fledged Jedi (ok, Sith) wielding a lightsaber. Your power grows over time, improving some powers and allowing you to learn new ones, but you can start off doing all sorts of fun force-related things.

-In fact, not only do you start off with force powers, the first mission of the game is somewhat of a prologue where you take the role of Darth Vader². You slash and choke your way through an army of Wookies (and all the Stormtroopers, too, if you feel like it) and hunt down a rogue Jedi.

-The story is entertaining, and to be quite honest, on average better than Episodes I-III.⁴

-The graphics on the Wii version of the game are not as good as the 360 or PS3 version, but using the motion control is a lot of fun. Want to slash someone with a lightsaber? Just slash left or right with the wiimote. Same for up and down or even a lunge to stab your opponent. Shove the nunchuck forward and you use the force to push things in front of you (enemies, debris, whatever) and send them flying. You can even hold someone in the air and throw your lightsaber to impale them.

-Controlling which target you choose, however, is not so easy. There is a targeting system, but it only works sporadically and even then it doesn't work well.

-The game itself is fairly simple, but when it comes to boss fights it's much easier to just have the cheat codes on.

-Since you can collect various color crystals for your saber and costumes for your character to wear, hours of fun can be had by giving your character a purple lightsaber and putting him in the Mace Windu costume then killing enemies while screaming Samuel L. Jackson type things. 

The game was a lot of fun, but the replay value is only so-so and I'm glad that I rented rather than buying. Have any of the rest of you played this?

¹KOTOR is my favorite Star Wars game, and is one that I have played over and over and even reinstalled in the past few months to play again. The closest after that would have to be TIE Fighter, which I enjoyed despite never loving or being particularly good at other flight simulators.

²As an interesting note, the voice of Darth Vader is provided throughout the game by Matt Sloan who is probably best known for being one of the creators of (and providing the voice for) Chad Vader.³

³You've seen Chad Vader, right? If not, go watch it or at least episode 1 and then come back and finish this post later.

⁴They did make one of the bosses a Gungan, so it was almost like they were giving players the chance to kill Jar Jar Binks.

An Open Letter to the Nest of Yellow Jackets in Our Yard

Dear Sirs and Madams,

I realize we got off to kind of a rough start. I was completely oblivious to your presence before running your nest over with the lawnmower. As soon as I realized what was happening I tried to move away and let you have your space. I would have taken the lawnmower with me, but you were swarming all over it and quite frankly I just can't deal with you when you're that mad (that's right, I could see you swarming from all the way in my house). I mean, really, how many hours did it take you to calm down? It wasn't until that night when you were finally ready to go to sleep that you were willing to let the whole thing go, and even then I'm not sure that you were really letting go as much as just too exhausted to swarm anymore. 

I know I upset you, but you really did take things too far. I got away as quickly as I could and tried to defuse the situation, but you just couldn't leave it at that, could you? Oh no; you had to get a parting shot in. Even though I was perfectly willing to just walk away, one of you hid in my pants or shoe and stung me on my ankle. You came into my home and hurt me. I might even be able to let this go if I were the only one involved. You hurt me, and maybe I deserved it, but I've also got Melissa and the boys to think about. So, I'm afraid that this has to be it for us. I want my stuff back, and I want my yard back. I'm sorry it came to this, but you left me no choice. I hope you don't mind all that poisonous foam that's filling your front door (and your entire nest, with any luck). No hard feelings; I just can't let you hurt me again.

I hope you die,

Craig

P.S. We just had a flood, why couldn't you just die then and save us both the trouble?

In The Shiny Little Surrey With The Fringe On The Top

First of all, this post has nothing to do with horse-drawn carriages or Oklahoma!, so those of you who ended up here because you are Amish or into musical theater can feel free to leave whenever you want.

A couple of times today, the subject of the new J.J. Abrams show, Fringe, has come up. I did watch it, but I hadn't really thought about it much today as I spent the entire day searching for and compiling information at the request of an auditor from the land down under. It turns out that despite my best efforts there is not a single question he can ask in that situation which can be appropriately answered by smiling and handing him a Vegemite sandwich. At least, not with any sort of professionalism. Anyway, after hearing a few other opinions and getting some questions about my thoughts on Fringe, I figured I'd give it a quick review.

First, of all. Yes, I did like it, but I think it was obvious that it was still a pilot and many of the things that grow over time in a TV show were not there yet.

I know, I know. It's just an X-Files rip off, right? I've said it, too. However, looking at this a little more objectively, the similarities to the X-Files begin and end with federal agents investigating things that involve the paranormal. Even there we don't know enough about what they will be investigating to determine how similar that is. (Besides, how does a broadly similar premise to a show that ended years ago mean that a show doesn't have a reason to exist or have creative worth. Following this logic, there should be no police shows after the first one ever made, no political dramas, and certainly no sitcoms that revolve around a family. That is so played out.) The lead characters of Olivia Dunham and Peter Bishop are clearly not Mulder and Scully. Neither is really a believer, and neither is really a skeptic. They just get drawn into the situation and have to go with the flow. Dunham does immediately concede to things that she probably shouldn't. I know the last time someone told me to strip to my underwear, take LSD and shove probes into the base of my skull, it took a little convincing. She does it not out of belief, but out of desperation. Sure, she should think to herself, "Hey, this is a stupid idea. Why would I listen to a guy who was in a mental institution for almost two decades, anyway?" She doesn't, because she is grasping at straws to save someones life and because, let's face it, it helps to move the show. The best way to look at it is as a cop show, but one with a lot of sci-fi. Without the burden of being compared to a phenomenon like the X-Files, the show fares much better.

Fringe was over-the-top and unrealistic, and I think this is why I liked it. It didn't try to make you think that everything was part of our reality. It was part of their reality. People don't have their skin crystallize and turn transparent. People don't plug into the brains of comatose or recently dead people and have a chat, and believe me unused lab equipment certainly does not go unclaimed for 15 years. 15 days would be kind of a stretch. It's not about suspension of disbelief in the sense of Jack Bauer being able to accomplish everything in 24 hours, when it would take him that long to drive across LA. It's about being pulled into a brand new world. It's sci-fi, but almost to the point of being fantasy. It's about becoming involved in the world that the writers have built for us, where two scientists who shared a lab travelled down divergent paths. One caused the death of a colleague in an experiment and ended up in an institution. The other started a corporation that does anything and everything (and is essentially this show's Hanso Foundation), but may also be doing much more than they claim. The conflict between these two sides of the same coin has promise for further development in the future.

The biggest fault so far was the two leads, who really where just there to help push pieces into place during this first episode. I hope that they are developed more as the show goes on (which is typical for a show like this). Some of the supporting actors/characters were much more interesting: Specifically, Walter Bishop, the formerly institutionalized professor, who was somehow functional in the lab despite being completely nuts. 

To sum up: It was fun and a good set up for the future. I just hope that it lives up to what it can be.

I, For One, Welcome Our New Insect Overlords.

While people around the world are focused on whether or not the start up of the Large Hadron Collider is going to create a universe-consuming dragon¹, most have overlooked the more real threat to destroy mankind: Water bears

Water bears, also known as Tardigrades, are near-microscopic invertebrates (the largest are around 1.5 mm) that can be found just about everywhere. On their own, they don't really seem to be that scary. Look at this guy.

He's kind of cute, right? A little pudgy and looking pretty jovial. In all honesty, it resembles nothing so much as a clean-shaven, multi-limbed Dr. Phil. Throw a mustache on the thing, and you can almost picture him saying, "Now that is one skanky-lookin' coke whore." But don't let its looks deceive you. The problem is that water bears are extremely tough. They are found everywhere, because they can survive anywhere. They can handle high temperatures, low temperatures, both extremely high and low pressures and even being completely dried out. Now, scientists have sent some of them into space to test their ability to withstand exposure. It turns out that being in the vacuum of space and exposed to extreme temperatures didn't kill them. In fact, they were even exposed to "cosmic rays and deadly levels of solar ultraviolet radiation" and came through it just fine.

When will we learn, people? Have comic books and movies taught us nothing? Exposure to high levels of radiation makes organisms bigger, stronger, and greener (or possibly grey), or in some cases blue, naked, and unable to care about the problems of normal humans. Cosmic rays on the other hand have been associated with becoming elastic, turning to stone and self-immolation. These are only a few of the known symptoms, and who knows how bad it can get. 

To make sure you know how bad it could get, here is a brief outline of what we can expect as the Tardigrades grow in power and eventually overthrow the earth. 

Not so cute now, is he?

First, the exposure to radiation will seem to kill them, but, against all odds, they will come back and seem perfectly normal. (Wait, read that article again. This part already happened!) Then, with their moods seeming to swing violently from one extreme to another, they will begin to exhibit new abilities. These will be uncontrollable at first, but then the Tardigrades will learn to control their abilities, and with control comes greater power. A few will gain super-size, while others gain super-strength or the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes². Those few who gain super-intellect will rule the others and lead them in the rebellion to come. Within two years, the water bear army will wipe out most life on Earth, leaving only those who are found useful and can serve them.

They must be stopped, but right now we have no champion, no hero capable of stepping up to the fight. So, anyone want to volunteer to stand in front of the beam at the LHC? I hear you can get cool powers that way³. Ooh, you know what's a cool superhero name? The Dragon. 

¹As a fan of hyperbole, I think that quote about the dragon may be the best answer I have ever seen to questions of safety that are founded in fear of scientific advancement rather than knowledge of any actual danger.

²Do they even have eyes? Well, if not they'll shoot laser from other places. You don't wanna know.

³This, as with all science in this post, is satirical and is not meant to encourage dangerous or destructive behavior. The Fount of Useless Information is not responsible for any attempts to use this post in any manner other than its intended use. Please consult your nuclear physicist before exposure to any form of radiation. Superpowers are not real and actual results may include decreased fertility, radiation sickness and death. 

Yeah, I Said It

Since I've already shared my probably unpopular opinion on the Olympics, I figured why not go ahead a give you a few more.

I don't like Wes Anderson movies. People tell me I will. People tell me I should. I've tried to like them. I've even tried to convince myself that I liked them, but really it just doesn't work. Oh, sure I may sit there thinking "Hey, that's one quirky character. Yeah, how clever to make that person completely unlike any human being I would ever choose to be around for more than twenty seconds." A joke may make me half-heartedly chuckle or almost smile, but by the end I realize that I don't like any of the characters, and there's a pretty good chance that I may want to fall asleep.^*

I can't wait for the presidential race to be over. I hate that everything on TV and the internet has to do with the election and that all I hear anywhere is about how my candidate is better than yours, blah blah blabbity blah. Not only that, but I've got news for you: Every time I hear anything from one candidate it makes me want to vote for the other guy. Yeah, that's right the other guy. Campaign ads? Counterproductive. Negative ads? Doubly so. Send me an email or tell me all about how evil his opponent is? Damaging my opinion of your candidate and in all likelihood, of you as well.^** I'm fully capable of learning things, forming opinions and making decisions all on my own, thank you. And if you think that I don't mean your party or your candidate and that surely there is an exemption, you're wrong. That's right, despite being far too old to be mistaken for one, I'm apparently a rebellious teenager who is going to go against anything anyone tells me just out of the need to rebel.

If you happen to hear a spinning noise coming from underground, don't worry, that is likely just everyone who was associated with the original version of The Women^*** rolling over in their respective graves. Alternatively, it could be the career of Meg Ryan, which I'm fairly certain did pass away a few years ago.

Yeah, I realize that last one wasn't very controversial, but I couldn't think of another topic and really needed a way to end this post and, like magic, the trailer just came on TV.



^*Oh, I am so getting my hipster card revoked for this. . . or would be, if I were ever hip enough to have one.

^**Also damaging to my opinion of you: Being unable to realize that, while someone may have the same agenda as you, they still have an agenda and that maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't automatically believe everything someone says just because they agree with you.

^***Just the ones who have actually died. I make no claims about how anyone from the first film, who is still living feels about the remake or how much time they spend in graves.

Running for the Border

[Int. Car - Driving past a Taco Bell- Day]

M: A Volcano Taco

C: Yeah, I saw that and was wondering what that was, too.

M: It probably makes you erupt violently after you eat it.

C: So, it's just a regular Taco Bell taco?