Good News, Everyone

I saw this on the front page of Best Buy earlier today, and it struck me as mildly amusing.

We'll Get Wild, Wild, Wild

This is a conversation I like to imagine happening around 1983 or so between the members of the band Quiet Riot.

Band Member: All right guys, this new single is gonna cement our place in rock history.

Rest of band: Yeah!

Band Member: Cum on Feel the Noize is going to be a song people rock to for a long time to come!

Rest of Band: Yeah!

Band Member: And in another 25 years, it will be used to advertise french fries!

Rest of Band: Yeah--Wha??

The Importance of Properly Placed Punctuation: A Musical Example

These are a few of my favorite things:

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad.

Savors the Sun While She Shines

Have you seen or, more importantly, heard the new Old Navy commercials for the holiday season? The ads use the tagline "Gifts that warm/pamper/play" and all three feature a woman singing a song that I really couldn't understand. In fact, I wasn't even sure if she was singing in English for most of the song. After a few thousand times of seeing the commercial and not knowing what was being said other than "all it takes is a little faith...", I finally decided to look online for information on the song used in the campaign. First, I was able to find videos of the ads. Here are two of them.






After finding the videos, I found the lyrics and was shocked to discover that she was singing in English. I couldn't believe it. Watching the ads, I could hear a couple of lines in English, but the rest just simply didn't make any sense. Finally, it all made sense when I learned who the artist performing the song was^*:






^*Ok, fine. It's not really the Swedish Chef. The song is called "Stars" and it's performed by The Weepies.

The Fount of Useless Information Overanalyzes Lyrics

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" is an Academy Award winning song written by Frank Loesser and often played around Christmas time. I think the time has come to examine these lyrics a little closer and see just what we can find.

For those of you not familiar with the song, it is a duet sung by a woman who wants to go home and a man, who is trying to convince her that she should stay.

As the song progresses, she continues to say that she should leave:

"I really can't stay
I've got to go away
This evening has been
So very nice
My mother will start to worry
My father will be pacing the floor
So really I'd better scurry"

With each of her lines, the man answers imploring that she stay. But look at the tactics he uses. A few of his better lines:

"Baby it's cold outside"

"Beautiful, please don't hurry"

"No cabs to be had out there"

"What's the sense in hurting my pride
Baby don't hold out"

Sensing that she was not amenable to fear of weather, flattery or inability to travel, he progresses to pity.

"How can you do this thing to me
Making my life long sorrow
If you caught pneumonia and died"

Finally, realizing that pity is not working, he shifts to using guilt to get his way.

But the real kicker is in these two lines (this time written with both parts).

"The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there"

Umm...yeah. It's called Rohypnol or, in popular parlance, a Roofie.

That's right, it may be played at Christmas time, but it's not so much a Christmas song as it is a date rape song. And with that I will leave you to never hear the song the same way again.

Guitar Hero

It may be one of the bigger hits that Van Halen ever had, especially during the Sammy Hagar era, but even 15 years later, every time I hear Right Now I want to go give Crystal Pepsi a try.


I wonder if that was really what Eddie Van Halen wanted.

The Fount of Useless Information Overanalyzes Lyrics

Once again, it's time to prove that I spend way too much time thinking (obsessing) about things.

On our lyrical autopsy table today: Young MC's classic "Bust a Move."

I'm not going to go through the whole song, but instead I want to focus on one particular portion of the song that has bothered me for many, many years.

"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry,
In five days from now, he's gonna marry,
He's hoping you can make it there if you can,
Cause in the ceremony, you'll be the best man."

Here's my problem: Who's getting married? Is it Larry, brother to your best friend? If so, why are you the best man? You're neither his brother nor his best friend. It woud certainly be more logical if you were the best man to your best friend Harry. However, if Harry is getting married, and you are his best man, why do we care about his brother Larry?

It's been almost 20 years, and there is no definitive answer for this. Personally, I believe it is one of the great literary mysteries of our time.

----

By the way, also bothering me: The song states that at the wedding a bridesmaid thinks that you are winking and winks back. When the video was made, the bride winks back and runs away with the main character. Did the director not actually listen to the song, or did he simply believe we wouldn't notice.

I Don't Really Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

As is often the case at this time of year, Christmas music is everywhere. Much of the music is wonderful, but there are some things that I just don't get. Then there are others that should be completely banned.

In the "don't get it" category is Manheim Steamroller. Nothing but instrumental versions of traditional Christmas songs sped up and enhanced with synthesizers. Somehow this comes across as more annoying to me than enjoyable. It's seems to be the equivalent of listening to all your music as old midi files or low quality ringtones.

On a more extreme note, I cannot find a good reason that the Cyndi Lauper version of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" should ever be played again.

The most peculiar thing about the music this season is that I've had "Good King Wenceslaus" stuck in my head for days. I'm not sure where I heard it, and I'm not even too sure I have the words right. The version in my head goes something like this: "La la Wenceslaus la la, La la la la Cleveland. La la Wenceslaus la la, La la Chris van Even." After that it pretty much breaks down into a scene of Tom Hanks being frightened by Dan Aykroyd's driving as they go to rescue the virgin Connie Swail, but that part's probably just me.