A Song Not Likely to Make the Christmas Compilation CD

Since we all know just how much I amuse myself (as evidenced here), here is another horrifying attempt at rewriting lyrics to music which was never intended to have anything to do with Christmas or any other holiday. (For anyone not familiar with the song Dragula by Rob Zombie, the video can be seen here.) As always, apologies to the original artist and anyone with taste.^*

Red, I am the Claus, checking my list twice

I know who's naughty, and who has been nice

Red, I wear the suit, and the beard of white

I bring children toys, on one magic night

[Chorus]

Toys for the good ones

And coal by met-ric tons

I load in the back of my

Reindeer Sleigh

(Repeat Chorus)

Red, I drive the sleigh, Rudolph leads the way

Reindeer that can fly, only elves know why

Red, I have the sack, slung across my back

Chimneys I descend, you can't comprehend

(Chorus 2X)

Red, I bring the joy, but elves make the toys

Labor costs stay low, stockings overflow

Red, I always see, you can't hide from me 

Some think I'm a creep, watching while you sleep

(Chorus: repeat ad infinitum)

^*I feel like someone has done this parody before, but I couldn't find it despite lots of googling. So, if I'm being unoriginal, it's definitely not intentional.

Remember, Remember, The 4th of November

That sounds kind of familiar...almost like I've used it something like  364 365 days ago. (Edited to correct for leap year.) Oh well.

Just wanted to remind everyone that today is the 4th of November. As you know, today is a very important day, a day where you make a choice that has potential to change the future. You can choose hope and try to gain back what was stolen away from us several years ago, or you can choose to continue on in the same rut we've been in.

I'm speaking, of course, about the release of Bender's Game, the third of four Futurama movies. The show has been cancelled for several years, but the releases of the first two DVD movies have been extremely successful. If this success continues, 20th Century Fox may decide that there is still money to be made, and if there is still money to be made, then there is a possibility that the show may return again either in more movies or in a new season. When you purchase Bender's Game, you aren't just buying a movie; you're buying the future. 

Today, you get to choose: Hope of a better future for all animated television or just more of the same failed jokes of the current administration?

Obligatory disclaimer that states the obvious: I don't really need a disclaimer, right? We're all aware of the concept of satire, aren't we? Good.

That's Infotainment!

I've learned a lot of things from watching infomercials over the years. They all rely on a simple marketing trick in which one takes a supposed situation which is a minor inconvenience at worst and presents it as a problem desperate for a solution. The original situation is shown along with the horrific consequences, then the new and glorious solution is shown with evidence that all consequences are gone. With that in mind, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. For years, Melissa and I have been discussing our great "As Seen on TV" idea and just how we would plan the infomercial.

Picture it: Sicily, 19...Wait. Sorry, I was reading from the wrong script.† Ok, let's try again.

Voiceover Guy: Has this ever happened to you? You settle in with your favorite drink and some Cheetos٭ in your chair in front of the TV. It's just you, your snacks and the game. You reach in, grab a handful of Cheetos and begin shoving them into your cavernous maw.

*We see our decidedly below-average Joe doing just that*

A few handfuls later, you wonder what's going on in the game on the other channel. You grab the remote, flip channels and, as you set it down, realize: Oh no! Everything is covered in Cheeto dust!

*Shot of remote with orange fingerprints.*

Frustrated, you look down at your hand and realize that what was once your hand is now encased in a Cheeto Glove.

*Shot of hand covered in more orange-colored, cheese-flavored coating than an entire bag of Cheetos could contain. *

Now your troubles are over thanks to this revolutionary new invention. No more reaching into the bag, only to come out with a disgusting mess.

*Clip of a woman reaching into a bag. She pulls her hand out, and it is covered in colored flavor dust from the bag. Close in on her face as she looks down at her hand, frowns and shakes her head in disgust.*

With our new patented SnackTongs!™ you get the all the flavor with none of the mess.

*Clip continues as the woman uses SnackTongs!™ to reach into the bag, pull out a single Cheeto and eat it. A face shot again as she looks at her clean hand, smiles and gives the camera a big "yes" head nod.*

That's right, your days of messy snacking are over. The revolutionary SnackTongs!™ can be yours for only 3 easy payments of $9.99‡. No more worries while eating Cheetos,

*Shot of a bag of Cheetos with a big red X over it.*

Doritos,

*Shot of a bag of Doritos with a big red X over it.*

Powdered Donuts,

*Shot of a bag of powdered donuts with a big red X over it.*

Mustard Flavored Pretzel Snacks,

*Shot of a bag of mustard flavored pretzels with a big red X over it.*

and so many other delicious snacks.

*Shot of all of the bags.*

Call or log on now and we'll double your order! That's 2 sets of SnackTongs!™, a $700.00 value, for only three easy payments of $9.99‡.

*Insert section with "inventor" discussing the importance of SnackTongs!™ and eating various fingerfoods with them in front of "studio audience."*

And if you call in the next 15 minutes, we'll knock off one of your payments! That's right. We're giving you two sets of the amazing SnackTongs!™ , worth over $800.00, for two, that's just two, low, low payments of $9.99‡. Don't miss out. Operators are standing by.

†Sorry. Those of you wanting to read my Golden Girls fanfic script will just have to wait for another time.

٭I realize that if we were to actually make this infomercial, we couldn't use Cheetos. We'd use a non-branded cheese flavored corn snack. If we tried to use Cheetos, Frito-Lay would sick Chester on us so fast we wouldn't know what hit us. Except that we would, because it was really fast, and therefore likely a cheetah.

‡Plus $349.99 Shipping and Handling. Offer not valid in Texas, Nebraska, Hawaii, Alaska, Iowa, New York, New Jersey, California, Rhode Island, Illinois, Michigan, Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, or outside of United States. Sorry Canadians, but you have to eat your mauve-colored Ketchup chips with your hands.

The Importance of Properly Placed Punctuation: A Musical Example

These are a few of my favorite things:

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad.

Rejected PostSecrets

By now, pretty much everyone is familiar with PostSecret, the blog made up of anonymous postcards with awful, sometimes sad, sometimes horrific secrets written on them. What you may not know is that PostSecret doesn't use all of the secrets sent to them. In fact, there are some categories that automatically get dropped in the discard pile. In a stunning exposé, I am presenting here 3 types of secrets that never manage to make it onto the PS blog or into one of the books.




Category 1: Adolescent Male Humor








Category 2: Cultural Reference




















Category 3: Meta

Indiana Jones and the Unannounced Title

As pretty much everyone knows by now, Harrison Ford is working on the fourth and, one would assume, final Indiana Jones film. There has been much speculation on how he will handle the role at the age of 65, as well as what the eventual title of the film will be. With that in mind, I have a few suggestions that Steven Spielberg is welcome to use.^*

• Indiana Jones and the Nostalgic Fanboys

• Indiana Jones and the Enlarged Prostate**

• Indiana Jones and the Money-hungry Studio

• Indiana Jones and the Bad Idea Earring

• Indiana Jones and the Ubiquitous Man

• Indiana Jones and the Very, Very Last Crusade...No, Really. We Mean It This Time. We Promise. Cross Our Heart and Hope to Die. Well, Not Really. I Mean, No One Hopes to Die, Do They? Anyway, We're Serious. It Really Is The Last One.^***

• Indiana Jones and the Superfluity of Sequels

• Indiana Jones and the Lessons Not Learned from the Star Wars Prequels^****

^*All joking aside, who cares if he's 65. I know I'll be at the theater as soon as they release it.
^**Even if I will happily go see it right away, I couldn't do this without at least one "Indy is old" joke.
^***This title might be a little too "To Wong Foo" for most people, so they'd probably have to shorten it.
^****My personal favorite.

Let Me See Your Grill

Scientists discover ancient Roman with gold dental work, declare Crunk to be older than previously thought. Search still on for earliest known platinum grill.

This Is My Dance, Y'all

Having music ringtones on your cell phone can be all sorts of fun, but it can also cause problems. If you're like me, you get sick of them pretty quickly and what once seemed witty soon becomes merely pathetic. Even worse, they can become a source of embarrassment. You never know when something will happen like forgetting to set your phone to silent while at work and having it ring while in your bosses office. The next thing you know you're trying to explain the Humpty Dance to your boss.

Employer: So, it's a song and a dance?
Employee: Yes, from back in the early 90's.
er: Hmm...if you say so.
ee: Ok, I'll explain it. First, you limp to the side like your leg was broken, twitching and shaking--
er: Well, that just doesn't make any sense. You'd look like MC Hammer on crack!
ee: That's all right, 'cause your body's in motion. It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion.

LA Face with the North Pole Booty?

With incredible apologies to Sir Mix-a-lot and pretty much anyone who reads this, I give you this year's holiday poetry:


I want new toys and I cannot lie,
You other kiddies can't deny,
That when Claus walks in with his big ol' jiggly waist,
And that white beard on his face,
You act good,
Wanna be all nice,
Cause you know he checks that list twice,
Mixed in with toys he's carryin',
Is coal but I'm just not carin',
Hey Santa, I wanna sit with ya,
And take our picture,
My mommy tried to warn me,
That those toys you've got,
(Are for good boys only,)
No Cabbage Patch Kids,
But a Wii to play with my friends,
Well check me, check me, the nice list is where you'd expect me,

So gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme lots of toys,
Santa's Toy Sack

A Fount of Useless Information Holiday Special:

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore...actually with apologies to anyone who has ever written any poetry, I give you:

A Visit From Booker Claus

Twas a few days after Thanksgiving, and in my neighborhood
Not a scrap was uneaten; at least nothing good.

The new Christmas tree sat over there, in the corner
The sparkling white lights waiting to adorn her.

MK in her hoodie, and I feeling fat
Sat down to watch Simpsons. Or something like that.

Into the room pranced the world's strangest sight
I laughed and guffawed. I roared with delight.

There in front of the tree, sitting straight up
Was a big-eared black dog, barely a pup.

On his head sat a hat, round his neck was a cape
My jaw then did slacken. My mouth was agape.

"Quick take a picture" I exclaimed with great relish.
"I'll use it on my blog. It's lately been dullish."

I couldn't believe the sight that I'd seen.
A visit from Booker Claus is so super-keen.

Laying a paw across his long snout
He scratched at an itch and then barged right out.

And I heard him exclaim as he stormed off to bed,
"I've had enough. Get this hat off my head."

"I am the dog and you are the human
Even though you're as fat as the postman named Newman."

"I'm a proud canine hunter. I shall not be shamed
In your holiday pictures, so festively framed."

"I do not wear hats, have a beard or wear boots
I don't answer to Santa and I don't wear red suits."

"Stop dressing me up. I'm a dog not a doll
The next person to clothe me, I promise, I'll maul."

"You're the one who wears clothing from your head to your feet
Now stop this absurdity and give me a treat."

Happy beginning of the holiday season.