The Way Back Machine: You Have Died of Dysentery

I was playing The Oregon Trail recently on [device redacted]¹, and, as I was informed that one of my children had contracted cholera, I was reminded of playing the game in a school computer lab when I was younger. Specifically, I was reminded of the problems that arise when people playing the game don't understand what the game is trying to tell them.²

[scrippet]
INT. COMPUTER LAB - DAY

CRAIG and FRIEND are sitting in front of what appears to be the world's oldest COMPUTER, playing Oregon Trail.

COMPUTER
George has cholera.

CRAIG
Great, we're already behind schedule and don't have money to spare for medicine.

FRIEND
It's not that bad. I had it once.

Craig turns from the computer to look at his friend.

CRAIG
What?

FRIEND
Cholera. I had it. It's really no big deal.

Craig stares blankly, trying to find some way to respond. He BLINKS slowly.

CRAIG
No.

FRIEND
Yep. I did.

Craig sighs.

CRAIG
(Resigned)
Ok.

FRIEND
My mom told me. I had it when I was a baby. I was crying all the time.

CRAIG
That's colic, not cholera.

FRIEND
Oh. Well, what's cholera then?

CRAIG
(Turning back to the computer)
We're just going to keep going. If he dies, he dies.
[/scrippet]

¹Not putting the name of it here, so that I'm not the guy who talks about this device non-stop, despite the fact that many of you have already heard me talking about this device non-stop.

²This conversation section is written in a scrippet. Yes, I did that just because I can. No, I cannot claim any responsibility for it; scrippets are the brainchild of John August. If isn't working for you, try viewing in Chrome, Safari or FF. For more info on them, check out scrippets.org

The Way Back Machine: Ain't Nothin' Changed*

We haven't done an episode of The Way Back Machine in a long time. Here's a brief one until I have something more interesting to tell you.

Do any of the rest of you remember the Mr. Men and Little Miss books? In case you don't, they were a set of children's books in which each book was about a character with a specific trait, which was also the source of the name of the character and book (e.g. Mr. Happy, Mr. Clumsy, Little Miss Late).

When I was in elementary school, I had a teacher who at the end of the year gave out Mr. Men and Little Miss books to all the kids based on their personalities throughout the year. It's always interesting to see just exactly what your teacher thinks of you. My book?


Mr. Chatterbox.

I guess things haven't really changed that much.

^*Bonus points for knowing the group and album for the 1990 song used in title of this edition of The Way Back Machine.

The Way Back Machine: Push It

It's story time once again, so sit back, relax and let yourself be transported to a simpler time, a time of school bells and note passing, a time when "Push It" was the most offensive thing you had to worry about children listening to.

Once not too long ago (about 2 decades) I was a 6th grade student. One day during class, a teacher came upon a note folded up on the ground. She picked it up, and as teachers often do, began to read it aloud.

I've never really understood the point of this. Reading it out loud rarely embarrasses the writer of the note. More often, the person humiliated by the reading of the note is neither author nor recipient, but the student who was the subject of ridicule in the note. Nonetheless, this teacher, as so many others before her, decided to read the note to the class.

She unfolded the note and got everyone's attention. "You, come here and give me a kiss. Better make it fast or else, I'm gonna get. . . WHOA!!!!!" She stopped in shock at the next word and looked around at the class wondering who was writing such things. Much to her dismay, the class looked up at her and almost as one shouted, "That's Push It." Yeah, thanks to Salt-N-Pepa, there was no point in worrying about whether or not the kids hear the word "pissed" when reading that note.

The Way Back Machine: Beauty School Dropout

When I was kid, we had an enormous Buick as our family car. This was quite enjoyable on road trips, since as the last of three children, I was assigned the middle of the backseat. You know, the place where all the leg room is taken up by that pointless hump on the floor. Fortunately, I was still young and my legs didn't require quite as much room as they do now.

One of the great features of the Buick was its 8-Track player. On those stretches of road in West Texas where there were few towns and fewer radio stations, we could remained entertained by listening to music like Stardust by Willie Nelson, the soundtrack from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Grease soundtrack. I was still young and there were plenty of things in the movie and soundtrack of Grease that were beyond my comprehension at the time. One of these involved the song "Beauty School Dropout." During the song, Frankie Avalon sings in one line that "no customer would go to her, unless she was a hooker." Even as a child, I needed to know and understand everything, which lead to the following exchange:

Me: Mom, what's a hooker?
Mom: Well, it's someone who...sells her body for money.
Me: (uncomprehending) Oh.
(pause)
Me: Anybody wanna buy a head?
All but me: (laughter)

I hope you enjoyed laughing at the childhood version of me. I know I did. Perhaps we'll do it again sometime.

Until later...