Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson we should learn.

We often think of Disney movies as being made for children, but when you start boiling down the plots to the absolute basics, you can't help wondering just how appropriate they really are.

The Little Mermaid: A spoiled, selfish princess has everything she could possibly want, except the physically impossible. Her desires cause damage to an entire society and force her father to sell everything he has, including himself. All is made right when the person who bought it all is murdered.

Beauty and the Beast: Family repeatedly trespasses, commits bestiality.

Dumbo: Misfit takes revenge on those who mocked his deformity.

Aladdin: Thief and con man forces slave to do his bidding so that he can charm his way into the palace and into the heart of the princess. After he gets everything he wants, he "frees" the slave and thinks that they are friends.

The Lion King: A spoiled prince runs away from his problems, and expects everyone to welcome him with open arms even though he deserted them for years.

Peter Pan: Children sneak out of the house, torment a disabled man.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Man with physical deformity learns that he is a person just like everyone else...as long as he doesn't expect to get the girl at the end of the movie.

Bambi: Boy has dead mother and absentee father, grows up to murder a rival for a girl's affections.

101 Dalmatians: Animal hoarders steal puppies from other animal hoarder.

Marry Poppins: New nanny, who is suspiciously well-known in the chimney sweep community, teaches children to resent their father for working to provide for them, eventually causing them to spark a riot when they don't get their way.

Photo Meme

Is there anyone other than me that hasn't done this yet?

The concept:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste the html into your blog or Flickr stream.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What do you fear most?
12. One Word to describe you.
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My Answers:

The Fount of Useless Information Overanalyzes Lyrics

Once again, it's time to prove that I spend way too much time thinking (obsessing) about things.

On our lyrical autopsy table today: Young MC's classic "Bust a Move."

I'm not going to go through the whole song, but instead I want to focus on one particular portion of the song that has bothered me for many, many years.

"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry,
In five days from now, he's gonna marry,
He's hoping you can make it there if you can,
Cause in the ceremony, you'll be the best man."

Here's my problem: Who's getting married? Is it Larry, brother to your best friend? If so, why are you the best man? You're neither his brother nor his best friend. It woud certainly be more logical if you were the best man to your best friend Harry. However, if Harry is getting married, and you are his best man, why do we care about his brother Larry?

It's been almost 20 years, and there is no definitive answer for this. Personally, I believe it is one of the great literary mysteries of our time.

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By the way, also bothering me: The song states that at the wedding a bridesmaid thinks that you are winking and winks back. When the video was made, the bride winks back and runs away with the main character. Did the director not actually listen to the song, or did he simply believe we wouldn't notice.

We're All Self Conscious, I'm Just The First To Admit It

We all have our little quirks. Some of us, admittedly, have a few more than others. The real problem is when these idiosyncrasies begin to interfere with our daily lives. There are some things that most people take for granted as just part of life, part of the everyday, that end up becoming problems for a select few.

Take me, for example. I'm a fairly logical person in most situations, yes I'm a little shy when it comes to dealing with people I don't know well, but I'm getting better about that. (and no, this blog does not count when I'm talking about that, because I am safe behind my very thin wall of pseudo-anonymity, which makes me feel better even though I know it's a farce.) The big problem for me is the telephone^*. I cannot stand talking on the phone. When I say that I can't stand it, I mean that I will avoid it if at all possible. I cannot and will not talk on the phone with another person in the room. Even if I'm ordering a pizza, I have to be alone and it takes a good bit of effort to make the call. If I am calling for anything beyond ordering food (i.e. any sort of real conversation), it may take me a good five minutes to work up to being able to dial the number. (The bottom line here, email me instead.) I have no idea why this is such an issue for me, but it is. This may be just a normal everyday thing for everyone else, and it may even be enjoyable for many people, but for me it is almost impossible.

So, what about you? Are there any sort of normal everyday things that are just part of life that you absolutely dread? Or am I the only one that's completely messed up?

^*For some reason, this, like many of my weird issues, does not seem to apply to work. I can be completely confident and can even carry on normal conversations over the phone at work. I wish I knew what the difference was, because it might be useful.

Morning Meme

I have nothing better to do while waiting for oatmeal to cook this morning, so I present to you a meme, stolen without any sort of remorse from Esther.

1. The phone rings. Who are you hoping it is? Ed McMahon letting me know that I won the Publisher's Clearinghouse American Family Publishing Sweepstakes that I never entered.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Almost always. The exception is the Wal-Mart parking lot, because they don't have cart return places other than all the way up by the doors to the store.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? Do I know everyone? Am I comfortable around them? Am I heavily medicated? If the answers to these questions are not all yes, I'm much more of a hide in a corner kinda guy.

4. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? At first, I'd be afraid. I'd be petrified...long story short, yes, I would survive.

5. Do you like horses? Well, they are quite pretty animals, but they smell bad, and you can't (or, at least, I won't) eat them. I can take 'em or leave 'em.

6. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? I went to Boy Scout camp every summer. Yes, I was in the Boy Scouts. I'm an Eagle Scout. Did I not tell you that? Well, I have now. I also went to YMCA summer camp once and hated it.

7. What was your favorite board game as a kid? I'm not sure. Clue, maybe.

8. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was taken what would you do? Why do you know something I don't? Who is it? Is it Angelina Jolie? It is, isn't it?

9. Are you judgmental? No, I'm not. Man, you're awfully nosy.

10. Would you date someone with different religious beliefs? Melissa won't let me date anyone no matter what religious beliefs they have.

11. Are you continuing your education? Only if someone wishes to pay me my full salary and pay for school and even then I don't think I really want to.

12. Do you know how to shoot a gun? You can't prove that. I don't know what you're talking about.

13. If your house was on fire, what’s the first thing you’d grab? A fire extinguisher?

14. How often do you read books? As much as I can. I almost always have at least one I'm reading.

15. Do you think more about the past, present or future? I think about them all. The past: "I can't believe I did something so stupid." The present: "You know, this thing I'm doing right now may actually be fairly stupid." The future: "What stupid thing am I going to do next?"

16. What is your favorite children’s book? I'd have to say the Velveteen Rabbit, because I like rabbits and I like cheese. OK, seriously, I have no idea how to answer this one.

17. How tall are you? 6’3", or approximately as high as I am wide.

18. Where is your ideal house located? I'm not sure. I don't think I've found it yet.

19. Last person you talked to? Melissa to say, "The oatmeal is done."

20. When was the last time you were at the Olive Garden? It's been a while. Mostly because the last time I was there we decided not to go back because the service and food were so bad.

21. What are your keys on your key chain for? Front door, back door, back door deadbolt. I don't have a key to the car, it's magic.

22. What did you do last night? The same thing I do every night, Pinky, try to take over the world. (So far, no success.)

23. Where is your current pain? My neck. Do you want a list of all the people causing that pain?

24. Do you like mustard? Yes, yellow mustard and brown mustard and honey mustard and Dijon mustard and especially stone ground mustard.

25. Did you like your mom and dad? Did I like them? Are you implying that I don't like them anymore? Yes, I did and I do. So there.

26. How long does it take you to shower? Am I awake? If I'm fully awake, it can be quick, otherwise, I might stand there for a while hoping that the hot water will wake me.

27. What movie do you want to see right now? El Laberinto del Fauno. Sure I could have just said, Pan's Labyrinth, but it wouldn't have sounded nearly as pretentious.

28. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats? As furry as our dogs are, I can't imagine that being a good idea. Besides, I won't put lotion on myself, why would I put it on the dogs?

29. What did you do for New Year’s? I'm not completely sure, but I believe it involved sitting around in front of the TV.

30. Do you think The Grudge was scary? Scary as in because I saw it and the movie scared me? No, I haven't seen it. Scary as in "It's scary that they keep remaking films from other countries and putting people like Sarah Michelle Gellar in them?" Yes.

31. Do you own a camera phone? No, but Melissa does. Do you use it?Anytime there's something funny.

32. What's the last letter of your middle name? G

33. Who did you vote for on American Idol? I voted once on the show, for Kelly Clarkson. Now, I don't even watch anything past the awful auditions shows.

Meme Time Is Here

Since Mikey decided to tag me with this meme (a week ago), I suppose I have to post something now. The meme is simple, list 5 things about myself that you don't know. The problem I have is what am I willing to tell you that I haven't already? I guess we'll find out.

1. When I was in grad school, there were several occasions where I spent a good bit of time in a dark room to expose and develop x-ray film for Southern blots. It turns out that if you leave all alone in a pitch black room for a while, my mind starts deciding all sorts of things. Things like that there was another person in the room and if I was still enough and listened closely I could here them, or that there was a crazy killer rampaging through the halls killing everyone else and he wouldn't find me as long as I didn't make any noise. I never believed these things, they were just thoughts that popped into my head for a moment before being pushed out by logic, but I take them as evidence that my mind is broken and shouldn't be allowed too much time on its own. (As an aside, I found out after working in the dark for a while one day that if you pull out one of the cardboard spacers that are between the pieces of x-ray film and try to expose and develop it, it doesn't work too well.)

2. When I was young, I hated school so much that I would often play sick so that I could stay home. I refused to lie about how sick I was, so I would occasionally gag myself with my finger so that I would throw up and then I could say that I had thrown up and not have to lie. You have to love that logic: I won't lie and say I threw up when I didn't, but it's perfectly ok to ignore the fact that it was self-induced.

3. If I'm not good at something, I tend to try to be funny instead. For example, observe these Christmas cookies from 2001. I can make the cookies just fine, but when it comes time to decorate them, my attempts at nice looking cookies end up looking like 3rd grade art projects (I apologize to any third graders who are offended by being compared to me.), so I decided to be humorous. That's how I end up with stocking cookies turned into gold-toe dress socks,



and gingerbread men in prison jumpsuits



or gingerbread men wearing wife-beaters (complete with tattoos).



I figure that if I'm goofy enough no one will be paying attention to the fact that I'm not very good.

4. I don't write this blog to become popular (which is good, because I'd be a complete failure), but when I see year end blog awards, I kind of wish I could have as many people interested in what I have to say as they do.

5. I have a tendency to get songs stuck in my head, like just about everyone else. The main difference is that when a song is stuck in my head I tend to sing it to the dogs, complete with new, dog-centric lyrics. Sure the lyrics are repetitive and I'm a complete dope, but how many of your pets have songs about them? That's what I thought.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to baking Christmas cookies. (What? Have I not told you that I'm always running late? I guess I should have made that #6.)