The Fount of Useless Information

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson we should learn.

2010-02-04T15:09:00.004-05:00

We often think of Disney movies as being made for children, but when you start boiling down the plots to the absolute basics, you can't help wondering just how appropriate they really are.

The Little Mermaid: A spoiled, selfish princess has everything she could possibly want, except the physically impossible. Her desires cause damage to an entire society and force her father to sell everything he has, including himself. All is made right when the person who bought it all is murdered.

Beauty and the Beast: Family repeatedly trespasses, commits bestiality.

Dumbo: Misfit takes revenge on those who mocked his deformity.

Aladdin: Thief and con man forces slave to do his bidding so that he can charm his way into the palace and into the heart of the princess. After he gets everything he wants, he "frees" the slave and thinks that they are friends.

The Lion King: A spoiled prince runs away from his problems, and expects everyone to welcome him with open arms even though he deserted them for years.

Peter Pan: Children sneak out of the house, torment a disabled man.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Man with physical deformity learns that he is a person just like everyone else...as long as he doesn't expect to get the girl at the end of the movie.

Bambi: Boy has dead mother and absentee father, grows up to murder a rival for a girl's affections.

101 Dalmatians: Animal hoarders steal puppies from other animal hoarder.

Marry Poppins: New nanny, who is suspiciously well-known in the chimney sweep community, teaches children to resent their father for working to provide for them, eventually causing them to spark a riot when they don't get their way.

You Guys Got Any Milk?

2010-02-02T18:13:00.004-05:00

With the Lost season premiere tonight, I'm thinking it would be a great idea for someone to have a Lost-themed dinner (for someone else, not me--I'm too lazy). The problem is figuring out the menu. The first course should almost certainly be a fruit salad including guava, passion fruit and plantains. After that, I can see a few different options for the main course. For example:

The John Locke Orange marinated wild boar roasted over an open flame.

The Benjamin Linus Honey-glazed ham served with Dharma macaroni and cheese and unhealthy obsession.

Edgar Halliwax's Special #15 Two identical portions of rabbit with a vanilla-infused sauce ('cause it's an orchid).

The Jack Shephard Vodka and orange juice with vicodin and tears on the side.

Of course, any of these dinners should be served with fish biscuits and an Apollo bar for dessert.

You never know what you'll find when you get your film back from being developed.

2010-01-19T17:30:00.002-05:00

Avatar

2009-12-24T18:00:00.003-05:00

Wow. That really sums it up. Wow.

I know everyone is probably sick of hearing about Avatar, but we went to see it today, so you get to hear about it one more time. It reminds me of Terminator 2 and The Matrix, in that it took ideas that weren't really new and put them together in a new way with spectacular visuals to create something that feels ahead of its time. Remember when you saw the morphing effects in T2 or bullet time in The Matrix? These are old hat now, but at the time they were revolutionary, and they both changed the future of movies. That's how I felt leaving the theater today. I feel like I saw something special and that everyone else is going to spend the next few years trying to catch up or copy the style.

Was the plot the most original? No, not really. Some of it might even be cliched. You've probably heard some of the comparisons by now: It's Ferngully. It's Dances With Wolves. It's 90% of all undercover/spy movies ever. Those are all valid comparisons, but Cameron builds on these familiar themes, constructing a mille-feuille of layer after layer of world building, character, emotional investment and visuals far too stunning for me to even try to describe here. The end result is something pleasingly familiar, yet altogether foreign.

Yeah, "wow" pretty much describes it.

Public Enemies

2009-07-04T20:13:00.002-04:00

We went to see Public Enemies the other night. I'm not going to review it too much other than to say that I definitely did like it.

What I did want to talk about was this feeling that I couldn't shake throughout the movie, a feeling that I'd seen this before. It's not that I've seen the story of John Dillinger previously, but rather that it seemed like Michael Mann was remaking Heat as a period piece. (I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing, just that I observed it.) I know I'm probably over-simplifying this, but let me give you a few examples of what I'm talking about.

vs.

Spoilers for both Public Enemies and Heat from this point on.

Of course, the most obvious similarity is the theme of bank robbery where the similarities go from the very general, machine gun fights outside the banks, all the way down to the very specific, a robber tells someone during a heist, "We're not here for your money. We're here for the bank's money."

In each film, Mann assembles big name stars as the headliners and then populates the rest of the film with other famous actors or character actors so that just about every scene leaves you saying "Hey, isn't that..." or "I've seen that guy before."

Two actors who usually don't share top billing play a criminal with a distinct sense of honor and a lawman who becomes obsessed with catching him to the point of being self-destructive. While these two actors do share the film, they share only a single scene together before the final showdown.

The criminal is always noting the bad ideas that the other robbers have and describes his philosophy about what to do and what to avoid to stay safe. He eventually gets involved with a young woman who gets inside his defenses and exposes the humanity underneath. Unfortunately, the feelings he has for the woman cause him to go against his better judgement and specifically violate the philosophy he outlined earlier in the film. In both cases, this leads to his downfall, and our criminal is not the type to be taken alive.

I'm sure there are others things that I've forgotten now, but stylistically, thematically and even in plot, the similarities between the two movies were quite striking. As I said at the top, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just that I had a hard time not thinking about this while sitting in the theater.

Have any of the rest of you seen this, and did you notice the same thing?

Guess what? I have a blog. I know, I thought I'd forgotten about it, too.

2009-06-12T06:02:00.000-04:00

In this post I shall attempt to slake your thirst for my opinions on the most mundane of matters through three brief advertising/shopping related discussions. Or maybe I just didn't have anything else to talk about so you're getting a bunch of junk that poured out of my head. It's a glass half-full/half-empty thing.

I've never been a big fan of changing the name of products, but when a company changes the name of similar products, making it hard to tell the difference between them, it is very frustrating. For years, if I wanted to buy a container of the lower fat Pringles¹, I knew that they were labelled as "Right Crisps." Was it a stupid name? Sure, but I knew what they were, and the name was always the same. Now there are Pringles labelled as "Light" and Pringles labelled as "Smart Flavors". One of these is the reduced fat version and the other is the "fat-free" olestra-containing version. If they aren't going to stick with one name, they should at least make it clear on the packaging whether or not you are buying the version that causes anal leakage.

The Wendy's commercials about "Threeconomics" bother me. The entire set of commercials bothers me because threeconomics is a stupid-sounding non-word. However, one commercial in particular really irritates me. It goes something like this:

[scrippet]
INT. BREAK ROOM - DAY

Three GUYS are sitting around the table eating SANDWICHES from Wendy's.

GUY 1
I'm going to use this Jr. bacon cheeseburger, crispy chicken and double stack to explain to you the basic principles of Threeconomics.

Guy 1 reaches across the table and takes the sandwiches from Guy 2 and Guy 3.

GUY 1
Supply.

Guy 2 reaches to take his sandwich.

GUY 2
Can I have my doubl-

GUY 1
(Pushing Guy 2's hand away)
Demand.

[/scrippet]

Clearly this commercial works only because the guy getting his burger stolen isn't a fat guy². If that were the case, the commercial would go more like this:

[scrippet]
INT. BREAK ROOM - DAY

Three GUYS are sitting around the table eating SANDWICHES from Wendy's.

GUY 1
I'm going to use this Jr. bacon cheeseburger, crispy chicken and double stack to explain to you the basic principles of 3conomics.

Guy 1 reaches across the table and takes the sandwiches from Guy 2 and Guy 3.

GUY 1
Supply.

GUY 2
What are you doing?

GUY 1
Demonstrating demand.

Guy 2 reaches over the table, punches Guy 1 and takes the sandwiches.

GUY 2
Hostile takeover.

[/scrippet]

My favorite thing about commercials now is that just about every one has the phrase "these days" or "in the current economy" while talking about how much you will save if you use their product. Do they enjoy trying to scare and/or depress people or do they really think people don't know that anything is going on³? I guess that's a possibility. It's not like it's been mentioned on the news, every TV show, ads, and articles as well as every other conversation that people have had with friends or coworkers.

¹ Shut it.

² I'm allowed to say that because I'm talking about my people. Unless you're one of us, you can't.

³ I know. They don't really enjoy it; they're just trying to use everyone's problems and fears to sell their product and who are we to criticize them for it.

What Lies In The Shadow Of The Statue

2009-05-14T06:07:00.001-04:00

I have less time than I'd like to write this and I have not had nearly enough time to digest what happened, so this Lost finale post will probably be fairly short.

By the way, this would be a good time for those of you who haven't seen the finale or who really just don't care about Lost to wander off and find something else to read.

As I said, this will not be a review nor will it be comprehensive. It's mostly going to be thoughts I had that I wanted to get out as well as some questions and almost certainly incorrect theories.

-I've never been a huge fan of the love triangle or love triangle plus Juliet part of the show. Juliet and Sawyer together after those three years in the DI worked better than any of the other attempted couplings of this group of four, so it disappointed me to see how Sawyer looked at Kate.

-I'm not one of those people who claims they'll stop watching if a character dies, but Hurley and Sayid are two of the characters who I would hate to have the show be without, so I hope Sayid pulls through somehow.

-I'm so used to Ben lying that I thought he was lying when he said that he didn't know Locke would come back to life and that he'd never seen the island do anything like that.

-This was the first time since at least the second season maybe even the first season that I had not heard (intentionally or inadvertently) what happens in the finale. I like it better this way, but at the same time theories take longer to form.

One of the big topics of discussion is what happened with the bomb and whether it really did what it was supposed to do. I don't think it did, and (if you'll forgive me for quoting myself from a comment I left elsewhere) I'm with Miles that what they did was cause the incident. Whatever happened, happened. See also: Chang staying, but sending his wife and child, just like before. Chang loses an arm, just like before. Daniel's mother shoots him, just like she knew she would have to when she sent him back. All of these things were already going to happen, and they happened in the events leading up to dropping the bomb down the hole. They are causing the events that are in the past, not changing them. Jack always threw the bomb down into "the pocket" and caused the incident and Sayid always shot 12 year old Ben, the events happened in the past, but they didn't remember because it was their future. You basically have two options with time travel (ok, more if you start creating new realities, but what does this look like, Star Trek?), you can change nothing important or you can have issues with the Grandfather Paradox (simply stated, you cannot go back in time to kill your own grandfather because then you would never have been alive to kill him). Allowing the 815ers to change anything that brought them to the island creates a paradox: The bomb keeps them from coming to the island, but if they never came to the island they couldn't have set off the bomb, and if they didn't set off the bomb they would come to the island and set off the bomb, preventing them from ever crashing on the island. This goes on in an endless loop. The only way to have a change of this nature work would be to have someone who exists outside of time (or has a paradox-correcting time code) be the one to reset things. Someone special. Someone like Desmond. Craphole Island's not through with him yet.

Now, about the whole NotLocke thing...Early in the episode, we see Jacob and some other guy (he needs a name, so I'm calling him Esau...He's got a nice rivalry going with Jacob and it's better than calling him that guy who isn't really Locke.) watching the Black Rock approach the island, and we find out that he wants to find a loophole to kill Jacob. As we saw toward the end, that loophole was to become Locke, who is dead and take the position of the leader of the Others. So, was Locke ever truly special? I think so. He always had a connection with the island and it healed him. In addition, we saw Jacob speak to him just after he was thrown from the building by his father. (For the sake of my theory, I'm going to assume that whenever we saw Jacob off the island, we really did see Jacob.) This connection made Locke the choice as leader of the Others and meant that when Esau pretended to be Locke, he could get access to Jacob. (Tangent: It's interesting to see that he was able to be Locke, because this makes me wonder if perhaps the other dead people we have seen might also have been him: Christian, who sent Locke off the island and told him he'd have to die, Alex, who told Ben to do whatever Locke--who wasn't Locke anymore-- said, anyone else who was dead and gave advice that lead to Ben killing Jacob. Ok, tangent over.) With Jacob and Esau, I couldn't help thinking back to the theme of duality that has run through the entire show. Black and White. Good and Evil. Locke is a playing piece in that centuries-long game of backgammon. Just before Esau-Locke takes Ben to meet Jacob, the new group from Ajira 316 reaches Richard and asks him what lies in the shadow of the statue. He knows the answer, so they show him what's in the box, and rather than Gwyneth Paltrow's head, it's the corpse of John Locke. With Jacob stabbed and apparently dying, I can't help thinking about what lies in the shadow of the statue. "Ile qui nos omnes servabit"He who will save us all." And who is lying there right now is John Locke. Could this mean that we will soon see a Jacob version of Locke and an Esau version of Locke? I don't know, but at this point nothing seems to be out of the question.

You Know You Want To Watch This Too

2009-05-12T06:04:00.002-04:00

Throughout history, mankind has asked one question more than any other: "Why am I here?" We need a sense of purpose to feel fulfilled; we need to feel as if we are part of something larger. Individuals have come up with their own answers, but never has a single event or a single theme been able to unite us all.

That, my friends, is about to change. All of modern technology has been building to this, the pinnacle of this or any other civilization. Yes, I speak of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

Why are we on this planet? So that this can be made and so that we can watch it.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

I know it's difficult to wrap your mind around this if you are just learning of it, but let's consider just a few of the glorious things we see in this trailer.

1. Lorenzo Lamas
2. ~~Debbie~~ Deborah Gibson
3. Not just a shark, a Mega Shark
4. Giant Octopus
5. Mega Shark and Giant Octopus fighting each other
6. The octopus is so giant that it destroys an oil rig
7. And slaps a fighter jet out of the air
8. The shark is so mega that it attacks what appears to be a battleship*
9. And the Golden Gate Bridge**
10. And a commercial airliner--in flight
11. One or both of them appear to destroy a submarine
12. Something is making the smoke monster sound from Lost

The movie comes straight to DVD later this month and it may or may not*** be at the top of my Netflix queue waiting for the release date.

*I can only hope this leads to a "It sank our battleship!" line in the actual movie. Movies this bad need lines that awful.
**The bridge, people! It jumps up to take a bite out of the bridge. Can sharks in any other movie do that? No, they aren't Mega enough.
***Oh yeah, it is.

Oh Look, Something Involving Science Is in the News and Craig Is on a Soapbox. Everyone Act Surprised.

2009-05-06T20:39:00.001-04:00

I've debated on posting something about all of the swine flu panic and have restrained myself because I don't want to try to sound like I'm putting myself out there as an expert (mostly because I'm not even remotely qualified to be one). In a turn of events that is surprising to absolutely no one, I can't keep my thoughts to myself and have to at least give you a little bit of commentary.

I went to the store yesterday after work, and as I walked down an aisle I saw this.

That's where the hand sanitizer should be, but there are only a few bottles left. Alcohol-based hand sanitizers are good and should be effective at eliminating influenza on your hands¹. So, I suppose it's understandable (though perhaps a bit sad) that people have reacted to stories of the potential spread of the flu by buying so much hand sanitizer that it's almost sold out.

However, do you know what else does a good job of inactivating influenza? Soap. Yeah, just plain old hand soap. It doesn't have to be any special soap, just soap. With this in mind, it bothered me to see this right next to the almost completely empty sanitizer area.

Sanitizer is great for when you can't get to water, but the reality is that your best bet in avoiding illness is hand-washing. Seeing the Purell, Germ-X and every other brand of sanitizer sell out while hardly a dent was made in the stock of soap² seemed a sad, but perhaps fitting, metaphor for panic winning out over common sense.

¹It does work for influenza and for many bacteria, but there are still a lot of things from various bacteria to Norovirus that it doesn't do much for, so washing your hands is still more effective.

²I realize I may be oversimplifying the reasons behind the shelves being this way, but I'm trying to make a point.

Trivial Tuesday

2009-05-05T19:00:00.000-04:00

With Star Trek coming out this week, I figure why not make it three questions in a row that have to do with Star Trek. As you have probably heard by now thanks to the non-stop media blitz leading up to the movie's release, Eric Bana plays Nero, a Romulan who travels through time. In an interesting coincidence, Bana also refuses to be temporally bound in his next film. What novel-adaptation is his next role?

Answer quickly to earn a fleeting sense of superiority over your friends.

Also, did I make this one way too easy? It feels like it to me.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Pro and Con

2009-05-04T18:27:00.000-04:00

Con: The title.

Pro: Stuff blows up.

Con: Computer graphics when Sabretooth runs on all fours.

Pro: Fight scenes.

Con: Attempt at a plot failed miserably.

Pro: Attempt at a plot is just a way to justify action sequences.

Pro: Deadpool*

Con: Deadpool*

Pro: Introduced to new mutants

Con: Most new mutants are basically cameos and are often very different than comic versions.

Pro: I've always liked Gambit's power.

Con: Why doesn't Gambit have an accent?

Pro: Did I mention stuff blew up?

Con: Holding arms out while looking up at the sky and screaming. (Did Wolverine just find out Padme was dead?)

Pro: Jackman and Schreiber seem to have put a lot of effort into getting into shape for the movie.

Con: What did they do to [actor's name held back for spoiler] in the escape scene with the kids? That scared me.

Pro: Most of the action was over-the-top and unrealistic. (In a movie where a guy pops metal claws out of his hands, that's allowed to be a pro)

Con: Wolverine butt

Verdict: Bad, but not so bad that it wasn't still fun.

Random note: I realized after writing this that X3 also got a pro/con list instead of a real review, but even that was more thought out than this one.

*I can't really explain that one without a lot of spoilers and an attempt at explaining the plot and it's really not worth it.

Trivial Tuesday

2009-04-28T19:00:00.000-04:00

Back in the late 80's ('87 or so), a group had their first, and biggest, hit with a song called "Heart and Soul." This band took its name from a minor Star Trek character from the original series first season episode, Amok Time (later parodied in many places, including the Futurama episode "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?"). Name the musical group or the character. It's your choice, since the answer is the same either way.

The Way Back Machine: You Have Died of Dysentery

2009-04-27T06:03:00.000-04:00

I was playing The Oregon Trail recently on [device redacted]¹, and, as I was informed that one of my children had contracted cholera, I was reminded of playing the game in a school computer lab when I was younger. Specifically, I was reminded of the problems that arise when people playing the game don't understand what the game is trying to tell them.²

[scrippet]
INT. COMPUTER LAB - DAY

CRAIG and FRIEND are sitting in front of what appears to be the world's oldest COMPUTER, playing Oregon Trail.

COMPUTER
George has cholera.

CRAIG
Great, we're already behind schedule and don't have money to spare for medicine.

FRIEND
It's not that bad. I had it once.

Craig turns from the computer to look at his friend.

CRAIG
What?

FRIEND
Cholera. I had it. It's really no big deal.

Craig stares blankly, trying to find some way to respond. He BLINKS slowly.

CRAIG
No.

FRIEND
Yep. I did.

Craig sighs.

CRAIG
(Resigned)
Ok.

FRIEND
My mom told me. I had it when I was a baby. I was crying all the time.

CRAIG
That's colic, not cholera.

FRIEND
Oh. Well, what's cholera then?

CRAIG
(Turning back to the computer)
We're just going to keep going. If he dies, he dies.
[/scrippet]

¹Not putting the name of it here, so that I'm not the guy who talks about this device non-stop, despite the fact that many of you have already heard me talking about this device non-stop.

²This conversation section is written in a scrippet. Yes, I did that just because I can. No, I cannot claim any responsibility for it; scrippets are the brainchild of John August. If isn't working for you, try viewing in Chrome, Safari or FF. For more info on them, check out scrippets.org

Trivial Tuesday

2009-04-21T19:00:00.001-04:00

Last week's question had a Kal Penn connection. This week we're moving on to John Cho, who you probably know is starring as Sulu in the new Star Trek film this summer. One of the most impressive pieces of casting information (No, not that Cameron from House is going to be Captain Kirk's mom.) was that Leonard Nimoy is going to appear in the film.

Nimoy has done television work and cartoon voice-over work more recently, but he hasn't been in a live action feature since what 1991 movie?

Comment with your answer and win a prize*.

*First Prize is a feeling of accomplishment. Prize has no cash value and is not tangible.

Trivial Tuesday

2009-04-14T19:00:00.001-04:00

You know, it would be nice if I took the time to actually do this every week instead of randomly like this is some sort of pop quiz.

Before I begin, let me issue a warning, this question is going to have spoilers for the April 6th episode of House, so please if you watch the show, but are a bit behind on your DVR watching, step away now.

Ready?

Good.

It's been a little over a week since the demise of my almost-namesake on House. Coincidentally, around ten years ago, one of the other people in the episode also played a doctor who took his own life. Who is the actor and on what TV drama did this occur?

Answer, as always, in the comment section.

Geek Apologetics: "My Scott and Jean"

2009-03-30T17:00:00.001-04:00

What's that? You don't know what it means when someone says "that's my Scott and Jean"? Well, first of all there's the great blog crossover event going on right now, which you can read about here. As for the phrase itself, it refers to "...my geek sacred cow, the one topic I cannot discuss rationally..."

I am a little late to the party, so instead of getting this all down ahead of time, I'm rushing to get it out on the right day. I had a few ideas, but it came down to two and I decided to take this in a slightly different direction that everyone else. For most people it has been comics or television, but I'm going to go with books. You see, my Scott and Jean, my one thing for which I will brook no argument is The Wheel of Time¹.

For those of you who don't know The Wheel of Time is a fantasy series written by Robert Jordan. It has been part of my life for a very long time. I first began reading the series when I was a sophomore in high school and there were already four books in the series published. (For the record, that means that since I first started reading this series I have graduated three times, moved six times-I think, gotten married, had a 10 year anniversary, started a career and worked for countless iterations of the same company as we bought and sold and were bought and sold.) The characters in these books, and the richly detailed world they inhabit were with me through my teenage years. As I grew up, so did these characters, and even now I am anxiously awaiting the final book(s)² in the series.

As the wait between books grew longer and the amount of detail given to minor characters began to take word count away from the main characters, readers grew restless and began to fall away (in the way most fans fall away: They still read the book or watch the show, but complain about it). While I understand some of the frustration³, I refuse to simply turn my back on the amazing work and have no time to listen to anyone who thinks that I should.

¹ The other finalist for this was Lost, but that apologia will have to wait for another time.

² I say "book(s)" because the final book, written by Brandon Sanderson, who was chosen to complete the series after Robert Jordan's death in 2007, has now been broken up into three books, the first of which is being released in November. I guess the publisher decided that waiting until 2011 and releasing one 800-thousand word novel wasn't a good idea.

³ I really could go on for much longer and get into more detail, but if I intend to post this on the same day as all of the other My Scott and Jean posts, I need to shut up.

Watchmen

2009-03-07T12:30:00.003-05:00

Alan Moore's celebrated graphic novel, Watchmen, has often been referred to as "unfilmable", and for years it had seemed as if that might be true. There had been several unsuccessful attempts to get an adaptation started over the years, but now Zack Snyder has brought it to the big screen. Is it completely faithful to the comic? Not completely faithful, but about as faithful as can be expected.

I really enjoyed the film. The flashbacks to the early years of the Minutemen, Osterman's accident and Vietnam were handled very well. Snyder wove info from "Under the Hood" and other sections of the comic into the movie deftly and was able to provide the backstory and bring to life the alternate 1985 that Moore and Gibbons first created. The casting was excellent and the acting is quite good, but the real stand-out, in my opinion, was Jeffrey Dean Morgan as The Comedian. (With the minor exception of the fact that he is supposedly 22 in the 1940 flashbacks and who are they kidding, he fit the part perfectly.)

It's not all perfect, however. There were some things that did bother me. While the look of all of the times and settings was excellent, President Nixon just looked absurd. The obvious prosthetic nose and massive amounts of makeup were distracting every time he was on screen. I don't mind changes from the source material, but changing the name of the second group of costumed heroes from Crimebusters to Watchmen. The change made it seem as if they didn't believe that the audience could comprehend that the title of the film came not from the name of a group of crime fighters, but from the question that it asks. The thing that bothered me the most was Snyder's (over)use of slow motion. Just as he did in 300, Snyder uses slow motion and freeze frames in every action sequence. the technique can be used both to emphasize the action and to replicate the panes of the comic source material, but when it is used so often it becomes distracting. I'd had enough of it before the end of the first scene of the movie and by the end I felt like it was the only move he knew for action scenes and that asking him to do anything else would be like asking Zoolander to turn left.

If you could only choose one and asked me whether it would be better to go see the movie or read the comic, I would tell you without hesitation to pick up a copy of the graphic novel and start reading now. Fortunately, the world doesn't work that way, and we get to have the comic in its original form and the movie counterpart we were told we could never see.

The Graveyard Book: Less a Review Than a Declaration of Love

2009-03-02T10:05:00.001-05:00

The Graveyard Book has gotten a lot of press recently. After all, it was named the winner of the Newbery Award. Feeling a little behind the times, I started reading the book myself. Less than 24 hours later, eyes moist, heart full of joy, pain, loss and love, I sat holding the book I had just finished reading. While the book is reasonably short and simple to read, the real reason I finished it so quickly was that I never wanted to put it down.

The title plays off of Kipling's The Jungle Book, as does much of the story, but where there were wolves and a jungle, there are now ghosts and a graveyard. Nobody Owens is a boy who has lost his family, but by wandering into the graveyard finds a new, somewhat nontraditional one. The inhabitants of the graveyard act as family, teachers and protectors, keeping him safe until the time comes to return to the world of men. (I'll stop the plot description here for the sake of any of you who haven't read it yet.)

I tend to consider myself a fan of Neil Gaiman. I read pretty much as many of his works as I can get my hands on. I think that, to date, The Graveyard Book may just be my favorite thing he has written, and really, I don't know that I can think of much higher praise than that.

Pathetic Humans, Prepare to Write Down the Recipe!!!

2009-02-25T06:46:00.005-05:00

There are going to be quite a few pictures in this post, so when you come to one that is awkwardly placed in the middle of a section, please imagine that as I am telling the story to you, I am turning the book toward you so that you can see the pictures.¹ (and since I'm still here in the intro section. Apologies to anyone who got notified of this post twice. I had to go back and fix some HTML because I'm that obsessive.)

Recently, I purchased a new stainless steel pan and since it wasn't a non-stick surface like the rest of our pans, I figured it would be a good time to work on my pan sauces.

Now, one could make a pan sauce from all sorts of things, but to be quite honest I hankered for a hunk of, a slice, a slab or chunk of, I hankered for a hunk of beef.² Since I watch Good Eats fairly often, regardless of whether I have seen the episode before or not, I happened to have recently watched Alton Brown make steak au poivre in Tender is the Loin, Part I. I decided that with a few minor adjustments, including using New York strip rather than tenderloin steaks, I'd give the recipe a try.

First up was a little butter an olive oil in the pan. Once that was hot, it was time to add the steaks which were coated in coarsely crack black pepper. I do mean coarsely; I used the mortar and pestle rather than a pepper grinder.

Once the steaks were done, they were taken off to rest while I made the sauce. The first step was to deglaze the pan with cognac.

Ok, I'm going to go on a tangent for a minute, so bear with me. Cooking with something that I would never keep around, like cognac, is a pain. As many of you know, I believe that pretty much anything containing alcohol tastes exactly like everything else containing alcohol, which is to say like cough syrup. Needless to say, this makes my need for cognac or any other alcohol pretty limited even for cooking. When I decided to make this, I went looking for cognac with the intent of buying something inexpensive and preferably only a small amount, after all, I needed only about 1/3 of a cup. Once I got to the grocery store, my idea went straight out the window as I saw that the smallest bottles to be had were around a liter. (I guess it's good that I hadn't gone to Sam's Club.) On my way home, I figured I'd give the local convenience store a try. As it turned out, they did have smaller bottles, as long as a half pint of Hennessy was ok. So, now I look less like I'm planning to cook and more like I'm trying to reenact any one of a million different rap songs. Ok, back to the main post.

I added the cognac to the pan, and then brought a lit match (a very long one) to the pan to light the vapor.

Note that in this picture, there is very little flame. That gave me a confidence that would come back to haunt me later.

Once the alcohol had burned⁴, I added heavy cream and mixed, scraping the bottom of the pan to get the fond off, then let it simmer for around 5 minutes to thicken.

After that, it was just a matter of adding the steaks back to the pan to get them nice and coated in the sauce and then serving.⁵

It turned out pretty well. It was a little hot because of all the black pepper, but it tasted great.

Steaks were still cheap at the grocery store, so I tried it out again. This time, I was working without a recipe, but still following the basic method from the steak au poivre. I minced one shallot clove⁶, then set about cooking the steaks as I had before. Once the steaks were done, I deglazed with cognac and flamed, then added the shallot and some beef stock. Once the sauce had thickened, I brought the steaks back to the pan and covered them in sauce. This one turned out pretty well, too. I wasn't sure about the amount of shallot to use, and I probably would have increased it a little if I were to do it all again.

Now, remember how I said that confidence would come back to haunt me? The second time, we captured the lighting of the cognac on video. If you have sound on you will hear the whoosh of the flames followed by the dogs barking and then, at the very end, Melissa saying that we shouldn't try that again. What you don't see is that the flames reached all the way to the ceiling and that while I was moving the pan back and forth I was also looking around to see if anything was on fire. It wasn't. After the flames had died down and the video was over, I did check in the mirror to make sure I still had both eyebrows. (I do.)

So, what did we learn? If you let me cook, I may or may not burn down your kitchen. But if I don't burn the place down, I can produce some tasty food.⁷

¹You did know that I picture you all as a bunch of kindergartners sitting cross-legged in a circle around me as I tell stories, right? Ok, good.
²Apparently, I was so hungry I could eat a wagon wheel.³ Also, I'm sorry.
³Those of you who either are too young or too old or didn't waste your youth watching cartoons and therefore don't know what "Time for Timer" means can go here to check it out.
⁴Note that I'm not telling you that it had completely burned off. No matter what you have been told over the years, all of the alcohol in a recipe does not evaporate during cooking. You're never going to get drunk off of what is left, but if you do not for health or other reasons want any alcohol in what you eat, don't use it at all. Even in a case like this where you burn it, I wouldn't trust that it is all gone.
⁵This is my other big deviation from Alton Brown's recipe. He added more cognac at the end. I didn't add any extra due to my very limited tolerance of the flavor.
⁶Is that even the right term for one section of a shallot? It is now.
⁷More pictures can be found on Flickr by clicking on any of the ones in this post and viewing the entire set, which Laziest Girl has helpfully decided should be called "The Idiot's Guide to Setting the Kitchen on Fire."

Trivial Tuesday

2009-02-24T19:00:00.001-05:00

Slumdog Millionaire won the Best Picture Oscar on Sunday night. (Letting you know in case you haven't had any exposure to television, radio, the internet or a newspaper since then.) As you probably heard during the Oscar telecast, the film was based on a book called Q & A by Vikas Swarup. This was not the first time Danny Boyle has directed a movie based on a book. In fact, it was the third. The first time was the movie Trainspotting. What film starring Leonardo DiCaprio was the other adaptation of a novel directed by Boyle?

Bragging rights are at stake. Impress me and impress your friends by commenting with the correct answer.

It's Not Ironic; It's Just Coincidental

2009-02-23T07:40:00.005-05:00

We've had a lot of snow this winter. Seriously, a lot. Back in mid to late January I saw on the news that our snowfall total for the year was already 9 or 10 inches above average. When the city decides that there has been enough snow (usually >4 or 6 inches in a 24 hour period), they send out the snow plows. As anyone who has lived in an area with lots of snow can tell you, the plows don't care much where the snow goes as long as they push it off the road. A giant wall of snow at the end of your driveway? That's your problem. The road's clear now. As annoying as being plowed in (our out, as has happened to me at least twice this year) is, the bigger problem is that since we have no curbs, the snow also gets pushed up against where people's mailboxes are. As the snow piles higher and higher, and the plows push more and more snow in the general direction of the mailbox, ours could no longer take the strain and, as we discovered when some of the giant snow pile surrounding it melted, was only being held upright by the snow. It now lists to one side and back*, threatening to topple completely at any moment.

This of course, is also our problem and has resulted in multiple trips to Home Depot, first for the post kit, then a new "if we're doing this we might as well replace that too" mailbox, then for the mounting board, which is for some strange reason not included with either the post or mailbox. On one of these trips through the store, we came across this display.

At first, it simply added to frustration and anger on my part, but finally I realized that there isn't much that I can change about it, so I might as well laugh.

The sad part about this is that once we finally got all the pieces we need to replace it, it has started snowing again, so we are stuck having to wait.

*Do you have any idea how hard it was to resist a "back, and to the left" joke?

A Superpowers Drug You Can Just Rub Into Your Skin? You'd Think It'd Be Something You Have to Freebase.

2009-02-20T12:00:00.001-05:00

Because I can never resist a chance to see what I'd be like if I were a superhero or to do what all the cool kids are doing, I give you my alter-ego:

I'm not exactly thrilled with the name, but it's automatically assigned when you use the hero factory. And to be quite honest, I can't think of a better one. Suggestions?

When faced with the "abilities" section, which would more accurately be called "accessories", I considered the lightsaber, katana and pistol, but figured that even my superpowered self would be more likely to wield a spork than any of the other options. With my trusty spork by my side, I would definitely have powers matching those of the legendary Matter Eater Lad. No, I'm probably not the most useful superhero, but at least you'll never have to worry about those pesky leftovers at the superhero banquet.

It's reasonably accurate, at least from the neck up. From the neck down, it looks like I not only found motivation to work out but might find my name in the Mitchell Report as well.

Something about the uniform with the blue/gold makes me think of Invincible or The Immortal, but I'm probably the only one who will see that or even know what I'm babbling about. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some crime to fight. Tasty, delicious crime.

But I Don't Think Either of Us Barks in Our Sleep

2009-02-19T21:22:00.000-05:00

You hear about how people look like their dogs all the time, but fortunately that isn't the case with us. We discovered, however, that rather than looking like our pets, our pets have adopted our sleeping habits.

Chewie is a light sleeper who will wake up if he is even slightly disturbed, but if he's been sleeping for a while, he is very grumpy when he wakes up. If we leave the house, he naps in his crate until we come home and let him out. Then he goes stomping across the house, head down, until he gets to the door and goes outside. You can talk to him, but he won't even acknowledge anyone.

Booker, on the other hand, sleeps very soundly, but once he's up, he's up. When he goes to sleep, nothing disturbs him. In fact, he sleeps so soundly that I sometimes touch his ear to make it twitch just to make sure he's responding at all. (Yes, it irritates him, but it makes me feel better.) Of course, if I wait long enough, he'll let us know he's just fine with a nice loud snore.

No, our dogs may not look like us, but one sleeps like me and one sleeps like Melissa. I'll leave the sorting out which one is which to you.

Trivial Tuesday: The Triumphant Return

2009-02-17T19:00:00.001-05:00

It's been far too long since I've done this. I don't even know who's still out there that will bother to comment or try to answer, but here we go anyway.

We're rapidly approaching the mercy killing that is the ER series finale. ER was responsible for giving a boost to the careers of several actors, including George Clooney. It's pretty well known that Clooney also starred on the short-lived sitcom E/R earlier in his career; however, he is not the only person to have appeared on both shows. What Battlestar Galactica actress also appeared on both E/R and ER?^*

First person to comment with the correct answer wins bragging rights, but nothing of actual value.

^*How many hints did I give you in that one sentence? Not doing this in such a long time has apparently made me go easy on you.

There Will Be Posts

2009-02-16T13:09:00.003-05:00

I don't have anything to say right this minute, but I will have something up here tomorrow. So, look for a brand new post tomorrow night. I promise.

In fact, it will be something that hasn't been seen around here in a long time. And no, it's not my toes.^*

^*Did I really just make a fat joke? I haven't posted in forever and that's all I've got? I really should hang it up. I'm getting to old for this.

I'm Not Dead and Other Bits of Useless Information

2009-02-11T16:27:00.000-05:00

Since you aren't all privy to all of the email, IM or other conversations I've had with some, but not all, of you, I figure I should post an update answering some of these questions.

Q: Yo, you dead?
A: No, despite my eating habits, I am still alive. The inactivity on this site is not the result of my departure from this life, but thank you for your concern.

Q: Have you given up your blog completely?
A: Are you kidding? I just forked over ten bucks to keep this snazzy URL. That would be like spending money on Netflix and never watching or returning your DVDs...You know what; let's move on.

Q: Are you going to post again?
A: What do you think you're reading now? Ok, maybe I shouldn't berate the few readers I have left. Will I post other things again? Yes. Will I post on a regular basis? Well, don't hold your breath for the 3-5 days a week stuff anymore.

Q: You haven't posted 3-5 days a week in a couple years, if ever.
A: That's not a question. Now shut up.

Q: Why aren't you posting anything?
A: Multiple reasons. First, I've had this blog for over 4 years now. I've only got so much to say, and there's only so much I am willing to discuss in a place like this that is quasi-anonymous and not remotely private. Second, my job has been getting more demanding as time goes on, and recently, I changed positions (sort of) making things even more demanding. This all means that I don't have much in the way of mental capacity to think of things to say. Rest assured, when I think of something to post about, you'll see it...assuming I have time to write and can write coherently.

Q: So, anything exciting going on in your life?
A: Not really, no. Unless you want to discuss lot release and need by dates, I'm a boring conversationalist.

Q: Have you at least seen any good movies recently?
A: Actually, yes. We went to see Coraline last weekend. If you haven't seen it, please do. It's great.

Q: What about TV?
A: The usual. Lost, BSG, Good Eats, etc. I did give up on Heroes part way through the first half of this season. It was so bad that I've cancelled the TiVo season pass for it. It could suddenly turn into the best show ever, and I'd never know. We did get an HD TiVo for ourselves for Christmas and have discovered that the ability to watch movies and old TV shows instantly using Netflix and TiVo is a great thing. We've watched lots of Alfred Hitchcock Presents that way.

Q: Read any good books?
A: Yes, I have. I have a soft spot for fantasy and I started reading Brandon Sanderson after hearing that he was going to be finishing The Wheel of Time. I've read Elantris and all three of the Mistborn books and recommend that fantasy lovers do the same. Now, in preparation for this fall's (scheduled) release of the last WoT novel, I'm rereading all of the Wheel of Time books. Of course, that's around 9000-10000 pages (or around 3 million words) of the same author, so we'll see how that goes.

Q: Some of these don't really sound like questions people have asked you.
A: Again, please put your submission in the form of a question.

Q: People didn't really ask you all this stuff, did they?
A: No, it was mostly the things about if I had quit or if I was ever posting again. It did give me a chance to have a conversation with myself and give updates on several things, though.

There you have it. You're now all up to date with my life. If you actually read this far, you have my thanks and my apologies. As a reward, feel free to throw out a topic for discussion. I'll probably ignore it, but you never know; you just might end up with a long-winded diatribe on it. I may be busy, but I'm still opinionated and wordy.

Said The Joker to The Thief

2009-01-12T05:39:00.001-05:00

Warning: If you aren't all caught up on your BSG watching, you may want to skip this post until you are.

Battlestar Galactica is starting up again this Friday, and we know who 4 of the final five Cylons are (and have for nearly two years now). It seems that the suspense over the final Cylon has been built up to the point where no matter how well it's done, it will be considered a let down. That said, I figure why not add a thought of my own^* on the subject.

If we know who eleven of the twelve are, but we also know that Tigh and a 6 are going to have a baby, do we perhaps know who the last model is? After all, unless things work out very differently when a mommy Cylon and a daddy Cylon love each other very much, the child should be completely Cylon, but different than either parent. Of course, this is just a thought and far from being any actually answer. I honestly don't have any clue what's going to actually happen. Really, I think most of us have already had how we thought the show would end pulled right out from under us, so predictions seem kind of futile.

I guess we'll find out soon.

^*Another thought that I did find interesting but that is not originally my own: Forget asking "Who is Number One?" or even "Who does Number 2 work for?", we should be more concerned with the identity of number 7. We know who 1, 2 3, 4, 5, 6 and 8 are, but supposedly there are no model numbers for Tigh, Anders, Tyrol and Tory. If they don't have numbers, why did the original seven skip the number 7 and have the Sharons as number 8? Ok, I'm not convinced that this means anything other than that the writers decided not to have model numbers for the final five until after they assigned the first seven, but it could mean something. And if nothing else, it gave me a way to work in references to The Prisoner and Austin Powers.

A Song Not Likely to Make the Christmas Compilation CD

2008-12-23T21:01:00.001-05:00

Since we all know just how much I amuse myself (as evidenced here), here is another horrifying attempt at rewriting lyrics to music which was never intended to have anything to do with Christmas or any other holiday. (For anyone not familiar with the song Dragula by Rob Zombie, the video can be seen here.) As always, apologies to the original artist and anyone with taste.^*

Red, I am the Claus, checking my list twice

I know who's naughty, and who has been nice

Red, I wear the suit, and the beard of white

I bring children toys, on one magic night

[Chorus]

Toys for the good ones

And coal by met-ric tons

I load in the back of my

Reindeer Sleigh

(Repeat Chorus)

Red, I drive the sleigh, Rudolph leads the way

Reindeer that can fly, only elves know why

Red, I have the sack, slung across my back

Chimneys I descend, you can't comprehend

(Chorus 2X)

Red, I bring the joy, but elves make the toys

Labor costs stay low, stockings overflow

Red, I always see, you can't hide from me

Some think I'm a creep, watching while you sleep

(Chorus: repeat ad infinitum)

^*I feel like someone has done this parody before, but I couldn't find it despite lots of googling. So, if I'm being unoriginal, it's definitely not intentional.

It's Hard Out Here For A Geek

2008-12-04T11:40:00.000-05:00

Sometimes being a geek impacts how you see the world. You can see the exact same thing as other people, but have a completely different experience. A few of the more recent examples:

Watching a trailer for the new Star Trek movie.

Normal person: "Star Trek? Another one? How many is that? Ooh, explosions."

Geek: "Wait a minute! Are those Romulans? How are they going to spend the entire movie not letting any of the Federation people see them? No one knew what they looked like until "Balance of Terror" and that's supposed to be decades later. You can't make a prequel and completely ignore the canon of the series."

Seeing a trailer for Watchmen

Normal person: "How many comic book movies can they make? What's with that blue guy, and is he not wearing any pants?"

Geek: "I'm glad they kept the 1985 with Nixon still as president setting for this. They better not screw it up though. I know the ending is kind of weird and might be hard to translate to film, but if they mess that up they might as well not have bothered making it. They always mess things up. It's no wonder Alan Moore won't even take their money or let them use his name any more. That reminds me, I need to go online and see if opening day tickets are on sale yet."

Seeing an ad for Mortal Kombat vs. D.C. Universe

Normal person: "A new game. I want it." or possibly "A new game? It's going to corrupt my babies. Now let's go watch 24."

Geek: "How can we play this game with Superman involved? Is there kryptonite in the game? No? Then I pick Superman. Therefore, the battle is already over. The winner? Me! Ha ha ha! Rematch? You lose again! Had enough? I thought so!"

Watching the trailer for The Day The Earth Stood Still

Normal person: "Keanu? Really? You must be kidding."

Geek: "Keanu? Really? You must be kidding."

Chex Mix-a-Lot

2008-12-03T19:49:00.004-05:00

I made Chex Mix tonight which brought up a few thoughts.

I realized that if I were to ever become a vegetarian (a real one, not just one of those "it's not cute, so it's ok" ones.) something I wouldn't automatically think of that I would miss would be Worcestershire sauce. Sure there are substitutes, but if the fake bacon is anything to go on, it's no substitute.

Speaking of substitutes, I once accidentally used soy sauce while making chex mix. Wow, it was bad. You could have used that batch to kill slugs in the garden. It was the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt!

I was making what the box referred to as the "original" chex mix. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't this recipe once involve an oven? In addition, what exactly is standard in chex mix? Over the years, there have been additions and subtractions so many times that I don't even know what should and shouldn't be there, but I'm pretty sure that bagel chips (which are listed in the recipe now) rye chips and those weird little breadstick things that come in the bagged chex mix are not canon.

In Which I Agree With The President-elect

2008-11-30T23:00:00.002-05:00

I've already told you I won't discuss politics here, so really there's only one thing this could be about. For those of you who don't remember, Obama commented on the need for playoffs in college football just prior to and then again shortly after the election: "If you've got a bunch of teams who play throughout the season, and many of them have one loss or two losses, there's no clear decisive winner. We should be creating a playoff system...I don't know any serious fan of college football who has disagreed with me on this."

While I'm not sure that every fan of college football agrees, I certainly do. This year shows, once again, why the current system is not enough. Yes, we are guaranteed to have the top two teams play each other at the end of the season, which is far beyond where we were at the beginning of the 90's, but determining which two teams play is still problematic. Is there anyone who can reasonably argue for complete exclusion of Texas, Texas Tech or Oklahoma from title contention? The newest BCS ranking place Oklahoma above both of the other teams (including Texas, who beat them by ten points), meaning that it will require near-miraculous circumstances to allow either of the other Big XII schools into the title game. In addition, three teams from mid-major conferences (Utah, Boise State and Ball State) have gone or are looking to go undefeated, but none of them will make the title game and likely only Utah will get to play in one of the BCS bowls. Should these teams not have a shot? The only way to make sure everyone has a reasonable chance at winning the title is by having playoffs.

How would I do it? I'm hardly breaking new ground here, since just about every fan has his or her own plan, but here are the rules I would use.

The playoff would be a 16-team, four-round playoff, just like the FCS (or Division I-AA, if you prefer) uses.

All teams must be a member of a conference. (Sorry Notre Dame, Army and Navy. Go join the Big 10, Big East and Big East, respectively.)

All conferences will institute a championship game.

Each school will play 11 games in the regular season (meaning 12 if they are in the conference championship).

The first 6 spots in the bracket will be filled by the winners of the current BCS conferences. This can be evaluated in the future, but at this point these conferences have proven that they deserve to be in the running every year, while the winner of a mid-major conference like C-USA may not.

The remaining 10 spots in the playoffs will be filled by the next 10 highest ranked teams. The BCS rankings as currently established could be used, but adding the Associated Press poll back into the formula would be beneficial. This system would assure that any mid-major team ranked within approximately the top 16 would be given a spot in the playoffs.

There is no reason to eliminate bowl games. Any team not advancing beyond the first round, including those with a winning record who did not make the playoffs, would be eligible for a bowl game. This will serve as a reward at the end of the season just as it does now. Optionally, larger bowl games such as Cotton, Rose, Sugar and Orange can be used as the late round playoff games.

Other ideas which would be helpful, but which would require further work include expansion to a 20-team playoff, as is planned for the FCS, and conference reconfiguration: There are 120 teams in the current FBS, a number perfectly suited to 10 conferences containing two six-team divisions. This would require some current conferences to contract, some to expand and one to be eliminated (sorry Sunbelt).

I know. I can already hear the same exact complaints that come up every time someone suggests a playoff.

"It's already a playoff that starts in August. Every game counts and it wouldn't if you had playoffs." First, if you think that every game counts right now, just ask Texas about how much the Oklahoma game counts. Second, a limited playoff system would not mean that every other game doesn't count. You would only be playing 11 games prior to the playoffs and losing even one would dramatically impact where your team would land in the playoffs. Every game would still count, but your ability to make up for a mistake (the team's or the voters') would increase.

"I love the bowls and the tradition." Really? A big fan of the EagleBank Bowl are you? There is no reason to eliminate all the bowls if people still want them. There is no reason not to integrate them with the playoff, in fact I'm all for that. But even if bowls had to go away completely, the only thing you'd be trading is one game with a name for an unnamed game that has much more meaning. the argument for tradition in bowl games went out the window when I had to watch the OS/2 Fiesta Bowl.

"These are student athletes, and a playoff would extend make them play too many games." I honestly don't know how to respond to that one other than to call it a complete lie. The playoff system I described requires an 11-game season (one less than the current season) followed by a conference championship game and a four-round playoff. That is a maximum of 16 games. While a few schools would play more games, most would play the same number or possibly one less. In addition, the FCS currently has a four round playoff after teams play schedules of up to twelve games. So, if playing 16 games is too much for these student athletes, why isn't it too many for the ones in lower divisions? Is their academic progress less important?

"It won't make enough money." Go talk to the people in charge of the NCAA basketball tournament and see if the playoff system there is making them any money. Does anyone really believe that you can get a company to sponsor a bowl game between the 4th ranked team from the WAC and the 7th ranked team from the Big 10, but you won't get any money from playing a series of games featuring the top 16 teams in the country? The issue isn't about whether it will make money. The issue is that the people making the decisions are predominately from BCS conferences and they are afraid that a playoff means that more money will go to someone else, and they won't make a move until it is absolutely forced.

Like I said, this is hardly breaking new ground. It's just one fan's ideas, but I believe the ideas are sound. So, Mr. President-elect, if you are going to "throw your weight around a little bit" and get this done, and you need somebody who has thought about this a little too much, I'm your man. Of course, you could always go with someone who's actually qualified instead.

I Guess I Should Be Glad They Weren't Talking About Twilight

2008-11-26T17:23:00.001-05:00

Recently, I was sitting in my office and, as is often the case, was being subjected to the loud conversations of other people in my lab. They were discussing Madagascar 2 and what was and was not better than the first movie. By far the strangest part of this was the intense discussion of who ended up with whom and why things should have ended differently. People had very strong feelings on which zoo animal should pair up with which other zoo animal. After hearing the conversation, I fully expect to see some sort of fanfic about this.

Some days, I really wish my office had a door instead of just a doorway.

Quickly...

2008-11-20T18:08:00.001-05:00

Have I mentioned my adoration for Mental Floss here in the past? I don't think I have. It's both informative and fun. You never really know what you're going to learn from one day to the next. Take, for example, today's article about Thomas Crapper. In addition to being full of facts about pretty much anything, there are quizzes and a daily brain game. I highly recommend checking it out.

How Blizzard and World of Warcraft Ruined Everything1

2008-11-12T17:15:00.000-05:00

No matter how you feel about World of Warcraft, there is no denying that it is now the ultimate power in the (gaming) universe. No, wait. Let's back up a bit first.

Waxing Nostalgic

I've been playing video games and role playing games for long time now. When I first got a Nintendo, I played Mario Bros. just like everyone else, but I never beat it. No, while everyone else was busy rescuing the princess from a hammer throwing dinosaur, I was busy helping Lord British or fulfilling the prophecy regarding the light warriors^2,3. It wasn't long before I was playing any RPG I could get my hands on. I played them on consoles and PCs; I played them when I should have been doing homework and when a young person with any social skills would have been doing...I don't know, something social. I spent time walking across the Clouds of Xeen and then across to the Darkside. (Pause for a year and a half to play Doom and Doom II.) This has continued on over the years and moved into more recent RPG series like Neverwinter Nights or KOTOR. While I have supposedly matured, my love for video games in general-and specifically the RPG-has continued. No matter what system a game was played on, no matter when it was played, my favorites have always been those which had a solid story and more freedom to make choices.

Logging On

Games like World of Warcraft are hardly the first roleplaying games to be played by multiple players using a network. By the early 1990's more and more people were connecting their computers to the internet, and bringing games with them. Most of us weren't connected to the internet proper, but rather to horrible (by current standards, at least) services like Prodigy⁴ and AOL or maybe to a local BBS. Nevertheless, there were online games even then. When I was in college in the mid-90's, I played a bit on various Multi-User Dungeons, or MUDs. I never got too into these games, however as they were not nearly as complex as free-standing RPG options and despite being entirely text-based, these were the 2400-9.6K (or 28.8 if you were lucky) modem days, so lag was still a problem. As online technology improved at an exponential rate, a crop of new games emerged that incorporated the same principles of multi-user dungeons but with impressive graphic interfaces, and the MMORPG as we know it was born. There have been several generations of MMORPGs now, but none have hit the mainstream jackpot like WoW. It's influence can been seen everywhere from other games to television to, potentially, the movie theater.

Changing Landscapes

So, what's the problem? Games are now online. This is a good thing, right? Yes and no. The allure of these games is easy to understand, but they are not without their faults.⁵

-One of the great strengths of the MMORPG is people, but the anonymity of being online does funny things to people (John Gabriel has a theory about this, but I'll let you look that one up on your own). Lack of knowledge in any facet of the game is likely to get you branded as a noob and excluded from the cool kid's club, as is disagreeing with another player or simply be around to take the blame when things go wrong. If you didn't enjoy being mocked for what you wore in elementary school, it's highly unlikely that you'll enjoy being mocked for what you wear (or wield) in a game. Even worse, I do make mistakes from time to time, and the last thing you ever want to do in one of these games is make a mistake where someone else can see it.

-Even when players aren't openly trashing other players, there is still the non-stop chatter. Sometimes it is harmless, though both irritating and ignorant. Other times, it is simply unbearable. (Playing a game with public chat on during election time is only slightly preferable to a knife to the eye.)

-Believe it or not, sometimes I like to do a quest on my own. It's great that quests and other parts of games are designed so that people can work cooperatively, but for many of us standing around asking for other people to join is not exactly the most enjoyable activity, so needing to find those other people can be frustrating.

-Time. Seriously, time. I'll spend a lot of time playing a game if I like it, but I do have other things to do like work or sleep. In most MMORPGs, I'm automatically playing catch-up if I didn't have a game on its release date and every minute I'm not grinding or farming is putting me further behind. Since having better gear and more experience allows you to get better gear and earn more experience, the differences only increase over time. Soon, those who play non-stop have tremendous advantages and there is little skill or decision making involved. They may be against the rules, but it's easy to see why people create and use bots in these games.⁶

-Story is another part of the game that really suffers. If people are going to come back to a game day after day, it's hard to create a storyline that continues to advance and be interesting for that long, so the main choices are to abandon any sort of real story for a little background and quest-related stories or to have a story that goes for a while, but may end months or years before a player stops playing. Neither of these are really ideal, but I don't think anyone has found a better way to solve this problem yet.

-And of course, it wouldn't be right to talk about these games without fees. Fees suck, there's no doubt about it. No one wants to pay for one more thing, especially not now. Even more than that, I don't need something charging me $15 a month and making me feel guilty if I don't use all of my leisure time to get my money's worth. I already have a Netflix membership for that.

The biggest problem that I personally have with these games is one that becomes evident when you look at the shelves of the gaming store. When a company considers making a new game, they can create a game and sell it to lots of people or they can sell it to lots of people and then charge them to play it. As much as I hate the idea, I can't really blame them for choosing the gift that keeps on giving. The problem is that the options for non-online gaming are disappearing. Everyone always copies the most popular games. Look at the number of life simulation style games that have come up after the success of The Sims, or the rapid proliferation of "play an instrument" games, and i have a feeling we're only at the beginning of that curve. It is to be fully expected that when a game is as successful as World of Warcraft, that others will want to follow, and that is without a doubt what it happening. I said in the title of the post that World of Warcraft is ruining everything, but in reality it is their success and the desire of other companies for that same success that is changing the landscape. There is no denying, however, that the traditional RPG as a computer game is dying. Search the stores, you know it to be true. There may be some series hanging on because they have been around forever and there may be new games, but more and more of them are disappearing or coming out with new MMO versions of their games (or they may evolve into Hack'n'Slash platforms which is definitely not the same). The genre will not go quickly, but it has already become a shadow of what it once was. Soon, there will be nothing left for the nostalgic RPG player to do but break out the 12-sided die and head on over to The Android's Dungeon, but for now I'm still raging against the dying of the light.

One final note: After much of this post was written, I found this article over at Wired, which doesn't say all the same things, but certainly says some of these things more succinctly.

¹ Ok, about the title. I was a little worried that, despite the fact that it was said facetiously, it might distract people from the main post. I had at one point decided to say they "changed" rather than "ruined" everything, but decided to go back to the original. Either people will detect the tongue-in-cheek tone of the title and read on or they won't.

²Timelines compressed for convenience and to fit childhood memories.

³ I was almost certainly playing computer role playing games prior to this. One could make an excellent argument that despite not fitting many of the rules (experience points, gaining levels, etc.) King's Quest was an early rpg. You played the role of Graham, were faced with near-infinite options and a long story with many side-quests. (Man, I loved that game.) Even if you consider that an adventure game, there were also the roguelike and text-based RPGs.

⁴Seriously, let's not even discuss how much time I spent on Prodigy discussing various epic fantasy series. Let's just say it was a lot and leave it at that. But if anyone out there used Prodigy in the early 90's and used to be involved in discussion groups for The Wheel of Time...Hi. Long time, no see.

⁵This is where I think it's important to be clear that I'm not pointing out WoW flaws, but genre flaws which may or may not be applicable to every game. WoW is simply the biggest game in a large genre. I do however think that the success and size of WoW is responsible for my final and primary complaint.

⁶Cheating, hacking, gold selling and several other things can and probably should be considered in a list of complaints about the genre, but this post has taken long enough to write and those could take forever.

The Heat Will Be On

2008-11-07T23:46:00.004-05:00

I just found out that Fine Living Network is showing episodes of the original Iron Chef. How did I not know this? I'd had the TiVo search for it before, but at the time all it found was Iron Chef America. Mock all you want (and I know you will), but I've missed this show: the music, Ohta, the absurd incredibly expensive secret ingredients, Fukui-san, and my favorite Iron Chef, Chen. It's kind of silly, but just hearing that familiar whoosh sound they play when going to or coming back from commercial made me happy. I have a feeling the TiVo will soon be full of these episodes.

Life on Mars (the TV show, not the search for)

2008-11-06T23:00:00.001-05:00

I never got to see the British version of the show Life on Mars, but I've watched a few episodes of the US remake. I'm not exactly committed, but I do enjoy it when I watch. I understand that this is a show with a mystery that they don't intend to fully explain for a while, but there are some things I don't get. We can be expected to believe that a guy was in 2008 and somehow was sent back in time to 1973, but do they really expect us to believe that when this cop was on his way to try to rescue his kidnapped girlfriend (in 2008, before being sent back), he was listening to David Bowie on his iPod?

Remember, Remember, The 4th of November

2008-11-04T05:26:00.003-05:00

That sounds kind of familiar...almost like I've used it something like ~~364~~ 365 days ago. (Edited to correct for leap year.) Oh well.

Just wanted to remind everyone that today is the 4th of November. As you know, today is a very important day, a day where you make a choice that has potential to change the future. You can choose hope and try to gain back what was stolen away from us several years ago, or you can choose to continue on in the same rut we've been in.

I'm speaking, of course, about the release of Bender's Game, the third of four Futurama movies. The show has been cancelled for several years, but the releases of the first two DVD movies have been extremely successful. If this success continues, 20th Century Fox may decide that there is still money to be made, and if there is still money to be made, then there is a possibility that the show may return again either in more movies or in a new season. When you purchase Bender's Game, you aren't just buying a movie; you're buying the future.

Today, you get to choose: Hope of a better future for all animated television or just more of the same failed jokes of the current ad min is tra tion?

Obligatory disclaimer that states the obvious: I don't really need a disclaimer, right? We're all aware of the concept of satire, aren't we? Good.

Good News, Everyone

2008-11-03T11:50:00.000-05:00

I saw this on the front page of Best Buy earlier today, and it struck me as mildly amusing.

Remarkably Short Book Reviews: Halloween-ish Edition

2008-10-31T06:09:00.001-04:00

When hearing that a book is written by Max Brooks, the son of Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft, your first instinct might be to expect humor. That's certainly where you'd find The Zombie Survival Guide filed in the bookstore, though it lacks even a single line that can truly be characterized as a joke. Instead, the humor is found in the duplication of the serious tone found in other worst-case scenario guides. Brooks assures the reader that this is a problem for which he must prepare, and that preparation must start now. Going beyond the send up of survival guides, the book is an impressive piece of world building. Brooks lays out the ground rules for his zombies-what causes them (a virus called Solanum), what can hurt them (only destroying the brain), how best to protect yourself from them-and attempts to dispel the myths that have been spread by Hollywood. After giving us the list of absolutely essential supplies and telling us what weapons work best (machetes, M1 carbines, and absolutely not a flamethrower), he gives a brief account of some of the recorded zombie attacks in history. It's certainly not much like any other book I've read recently, but I enjoyed it. In fact I especially enjoyed it as an accompaniment to the next book I wanted to talk about.

Building on the ground work from The Zombie Survival Guide, World War Z tells the story of zombie outbreaks that turn into a pandemic. The book is presented as a collection of interviews performed by the unnamed narrator revealing life at the beginning of the outbreak, during "The Great Panic" and throughout the war. The very long war. Make no mistake about it, this is not a war that we win, at least not for a long time. Unlike most zombie stories, this is not limited to a single town or even a single country. Most of the world is overrun with zombies. No official death toll is ever given, but with 200 million infected in North America along with over half of China, the number would be in the billions. Each interview gives us a new perspective on the war. We hear from people all over the world who were involved in finding outbreaks, planning, military operations, from politicians or even from just regular people who tried to go far enough north that the zombies would freeze during winter. Brooks does an impressive job of giving each person their own distinctive voice and building the characters despite the limited space for each section. While the book uses these vignettes to point out mistakes we've made in the past and those we might make in the future (as well as those things we get right), Brooks usually allows the story and the character to be the true star (one interview does stand out as being somewhat less than subtle, but it was the exception rather than the rule). In all, it is impressive that Brooks is able to get as much emotional impact out of so many of these sections. I definitely recommend this one as a very unique and worthwhile read. In fact, I also recommend the audiobook which, while abridged, has some talented actors playing the parts of the various interviewees including Alan Alda, Rob and Carl Reiner, John Tuturro and Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill, as a veteran of the disastrous Battle of Yonkers.

Doctor, Doctor

2008-10-30T17:01:00.001-04:00

It seems that the Tenth Doctor has indeed given us the news. David Tennant has confirmed that he will remain the titular character on Doctor Who for the specials in 2009, but will not be back in 2010. I realize that three seasons, plus a few specials is pretty much a standard duration for an actor in the role (at least for any after Tom Baker), but I can't help wishing that Tennant would stay on a little longer. No matter who fills the role next, it will be hard to match his ability to alternate between the child who is filled with wonder at the simplest of things and weary traveller who has witnessed the death of everything he loves.

Now of course, comes the speculation. Who will be the next Doctor? What's going to happen?There have been all sorts of suggestions, and I really can't say that I know if any of them would be good or bad. In my opinion, however, if you're looking for a new Doctor, I feel like you can't go wrong with Andre Young. (Too obvious? Should I have said Dwight Gooden?)

You Can Feel It In The Air

2008-10-30T08:14:00.004-04:00

I get a word of the day email sent to me every day. I've thought in the past that it would be nice if more of the words were ones that were new to me rather than 5 of the 7 in any given week being reasonably common words. Well, they must have listened because today's word was something entirely new and different.

I'm not sure which surprised me more, that October 30 is pronounced \PAL-puh-bul\ or that it has a meaning other than "the day before Halloween."

Hope your \PAL-pub-bul\ is enjoyable.

All Right. It's Saturday Night, I Have No Date, A Two Liter Of Shasta And My All-Rush Mixtape. Let's Rock.

2008-10-27T21:20:00.004-04:00

On tonight's episode of Chuck, the key to beating Missile Command (and saving the world) is listening to and playing along with "Tom Sawyer" by Rush. A reference to Fry vs. the invaders (possibly from space) or just coincidence caused by the fact that Tom Sawyer is a rocking song for when one is playing video games?

People Who've Appeared in Bestsellers? People Who Make Others' Lives Miserable?

2008-10-21T06:34:00.003-04:00

I was originally planning to write something completely different, but then this came to mind and just kind of took over. In the end, I figured the world needs more $25,000 Pyramid style posts. Feel free to take a shot at figuring out the answer.

1. Death, from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett.

2. Shai'tan, also known as The Dark One or Great Lord of the Dark. The big bad guy that no one ever sees in the late Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series.

3. People who still get confused by the internet.

The Hot Air Is Strong With This One

2008-10-20T05:55:00.001-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, we went out to New Mexico for a few days to visit some of Melissa's family. In addition to insisting on having green chile on everything¹, we went to the Balloon Fiesta, where we learned several things. First, you have to get up really early in the morning if you want to get there for the mass ascension. Second, even if you call it a shuttle bus, there's not nearly enough leg room for someone my height on a school bus. Third, and probably most importantly, while there are balloons of all shapes and sizes there are a few that will make me insist on rushing across the field to get a better look².

¹Ok, not everything. We didn't put it on waffles or anything like that...though that might be good.

²Thanks to Melissa, who assembled this video and added the music, since I had no clue what I was doing.

Hate Myself for Watching You?

2008-10-13T10:48:00.004-04:00

I'm beginning to feel a bit like Joan Jett on Monday nights¹. Is anyone else out there still watching Heroes (addendum: Ok, I know Danielle and Marni are watching--unless they've given up recently--but anyone else)? I just don't know what to think any more. Do I really want to spend time watching this when all I'm really going to do is pick it apart as soon as it's over? I just can't help feeling that they have forgotten to have anyone proofread their scripts. Just a quick rundown of some of the things that have gone wrong:

-We're on potential/alternate future number 5 or so now. Whenever the writers are in need of a new threat, they just send someone back from the future to tell us all about the danger that is coming. With all the different versions of Peter and Hiro (as well as other characters) we've encountered, the show is rapidly approaching pre-Crisis DC comics level².

-Mohinder and Peter seem to operate simply by doing the first thing that comes to mind, no matter how stupid (or at least they seem to be the two biggest offenders). For example, Peter determines that his brother revealing his abilities causes dystopian future B and he must use his time travel abilities to prevent this. Rather than going back to any point prior to the revelation and rationalizing with Nathan, he goes to the press conference where the secret is revealed and shoots his brother. I realize that sometime characters do things because they need to for the plot to progress, but the writers seem to be taking it to extremes. I think Mohinder tends to be the more annoying of the two, because while Peter is projecting his spittle everywhere with his screaming, Mohinder shows up for long winded speeches.

-Dead people don't stay dead. Whether they died on screen or before the start of the show, dead people keep popping back up.

-Mohinder's scientist dialogue seems to have been written via Mad-Lib. It's as if there were blanks in his lines that just said (science noun) or (science verb). It's one thing if the science is silly and unrealistic³, that's to be expected in a not even remotely based on fact sci-fi show. The words they put in Mohinder's mouth don't even go together and when they do, they contradict things that he (or everyone else) said in previous episodes.

-As if having Ali Later on her 4th character/personality isn't bad enough, the explanation she was recently given doesn't even help. She was one of three superpowered identical triplets, Niki, Tracy and Barbara. What about Jessica? She wasn't just an alternate personality (like Gina), she was Niki's twin who was killed by their abusive father. Was she the fourth triplet or just an adopted sibling who looked an awful lot like her? Her entire plotline makes my head hurt.

-Nathan had a wife right? The one who was in a wheelchair but then was healed by Linderman? Where'd she go? And shouldn't she be upset that her husband is sleeping with every version of Ali Larter that walks by?

-We've only had two true villains who have had any development (unless you want to count people working for the Company, but we really don't know where they fall on the sliding scale of evil-doers yet). One of these villains has been seen in the future living a peaceful life and making waffles for his kid⁴. The other (ignoring for now that he was a Japanese legend despite being British) is motivated by the fact that someone thought he was dead and stole his girlfriend...400 years ago. Is this Pearl Harbor? At least Ben Affleck didn't hold a grudge that long and even when he was angry he didn't think it reason enough to try to destroy the world.

-My favorite scene in recent episodes was Noah Bennet telling the Hatian (you know, the guy who makes everyone else's powers useless) that he was keeping Sylar around only to find his weakness and then he'd kill him. At this point, Sylar was standing in a cell, trapped with a man who negated all his powers and an armed man who wanted him dead. Yeah, can't find his weakness. Did no one question this when it was written? (Which is not to say that I wanted him to kill Sylar. At this point, he is one of the few interesting characters.)

-Now it seems that not only do the writers not seem to be paying attention, but they clearly are not talking to each other. We have writers saying that Sylar lost all his powers from season 1 and had to start again from scratch, followed shortly by him demonstrating multiple powers that he had learned in season 1. Then we had Mohinder doing a scene-by-scene re-enactment of The Fly, which the writers said was intentional. Shortly after this, another writer complained that just because it was similar doesn't mean it was taken from The Fly and that there was no intent to replicate it. If the writers can't even agree on things, it's no wonder that the show seems to be a mess.

So, why am I still watching, you ask? Well, I'm asking myself the same thing. There are two competing reasons I keep coming back. First, I know that there is potential there. I want this show to get better and to use the ideas to build the show to what it should be. the second reason is that I'm waiting to see what idiotic thing they do next. The problem is that with each passing week I'm moving away from the former reason and more toward the latter. Either way, I can't get myself to just give up and stop watching.

¹ Actually, Ennis del Mar would probably be more accurate, but that quote has beaten to death don't you think?

² For those of you who don't know. DC comics had so many alternate worlds and alternate versions of characters that in 1985, they had Crisis on Infinite Earths which destroyed many alternate worlds and made things as least a little less confusing.

³ Fringe, I'm looking at you.

⁴ Which was pretty out of left field and didn't make much sense, even if it was kind of fun.

Bad Hair Day

2008-10-13T06:54:00.000-04:00

There is a long history of comic book characters looking silly. In an attempt to make characters distinguishable and memorable, they have had outlandish clothing, hairstyles and body types. Sometimes it seems as if a character really drew the short straw. Looking back, there have been all sorts of bad hair-dos¹, but few stand out as being as bad for as long as Guy Gardner (one of the Green Lanterns²).

Here, we see Gardner exhibiting both a bad haircut and bad attitude as a member of Justice League International.

Over the years, his character has changed, but his hairstylist apparently hasn't.

Here, we can see him sporting a style I like to call the 1UP.

Unfortunately for Gardner, his hair issues have followed him from the printed page all the way to the toy store. There's just no escape for him.

¹ One that obviously stands out is Storm's Mr. T mohawk, but that was at least a temporary thing.

² Yeah, one of the Green Lanterns not the Green Lantern. Since we're talking about comics, it's a lot more complicated than even that, but I'm trying to keep it fairly simple (or at least not too confusing) here.

Long, Rambling and Probably Not Worth Reading

2008-10-10T17:00:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted in a while, and I'll try to get back to regular posting (for all none of you who notice or care), but for now I just wanted to put down a couple of things that have been in my head for a while.¹

Not long ago, a coworker was telling me about how her feelings on the financial crisis² had changed and had done so practically overnight. One day, she was watching the news and discussions of government bailouts of various financial organizations and was vehemently opposed to it. They made the bad choices, not her. They should foot the bill, not her. It's hard to fault the logic at that level. Why should she, or anyone else, pay for the mistakes of others? The next day, things turned around. One of the organizations that was failing was hers. She's almost ready to retire and much of her retirement money was invested through this organization. Now it was time to panic. The government needed to do something to protect people like her. It wasn't her fault. She wasn't the person who made bad choices, but now she was going to be punished as if she had. It's remarkable how much things change in such a short period of time. We all make snap judgements all the time on every subject--This person is wrong, that person is right--but we rarely stop to consider why it is that the other person has an opposing viewpoint, only how their viewpoint would impact us or how it differs from our own. Sometimes, a little time taken to understand what someone else is dealing with is all it takes to make a big difference in our perception. The point is that empathy, for lack of a better word, is good. Empathy is right, empathy works. I'm not saying it's the answer to all of life's problems, but I am saying that it can make it a lot easier to deal with each other as we deal with those problems.

A few days before I had that conversation with my coworker, reports came out about the death of author David Foster Wallace. Among the many articles and tributes, I found an article that referenced (and linked to a copy of) a commencement address he had given in 2005. Like the earlier conversation, the things said in that address have stuck in my head ever since. He pointed out that we choose what we think and what we think about (including our refusal to acknowledge that anyone else could have reasons for not doing exactly what we want), and that perhaps by choosing to consider that our assumptions about other people are not the only reality that we set ourselves free³. That's exactly what was demonstrated in the conversation I'd had with my coworker. Initially, her decisions were based on what she saw as reality. The problem was that it wasn't everything. It took putting her in the place of someone else to see that reality is much bigger than she realized--much bigger than any of us realize.

I am not the center of the universe. Maybe if my thought process reflected that and was not simply how does this affect me or how will this person's actions inconvenience me, I could be a little happier, a little more free, a little more understanding. Maybe. I don't know. All I do know is that it can't hurt⁴.

¹ And this might end up sounding soapboxy, but it's not intended to (and hopefully it's not too soapboxy).

² I'm not about to try to tackle the issue itself, for several reasons. First, it's not the point of this post. Second, it's entirely too complex to try to discuss here. Finally, this is a silly blog full of pop culture, trivia, ill-advised attempts at humor and the occasional trite observation (like today). To discuss something this important here would trivialize it, be insulting and not solve anything anyway (also why you will never see a grand discussion of religion, politics or other things people hold dear...it's absolutely the wrong forum).

³ I'm not going to try to explain or quote the entire thing here, but here is a remarkable passage: "It just depends what you want to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. " The rest you can read for yourself and let his words say things far better than I ever could. Typing David Foster Wallace Commencement into google returns almost a hundred thousand hits, so it's not hard to find: Here is a link to one transcript.

⁴I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I can change, and you can change...sorry got a little carried away there, but you get the point⁵.

⁵ That "If I can change, and you can change" thing is from Rocky IV, by the way. Just thought I'd help you figure out where you'd heard it before.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

2008-09-22T23:37:00.001-04:00

I rented Star Wars: The Force Unleashed last week and played through it during the week and weekend. Yeah, I know. I'm doubly a nerd for not only playing a game, but one based on Star Wars. It was a lot of fun though. I couldn't help comparing it to other Star Wars gaming experiences I have had, specifically SW: Knights of the Old Republic¹. With the experience and that comparison in mind, some observations (both good and bad) about the game:

-The gameplay is incredibly linear. Yes, there is a story and a reason for each planet you go to and what you have to do there, but as far as choices you are as limited as if it were Super Mario Brothers. It's a straight progression from A to B to C (or Kashyyyk to Raxus Prime to the Death Star as the case may be). Actually, in Super Mario Brothers, you could actually choose to warp to specific worlds, so I guess it's even more limited in choices of it's progression. Yes, the game has multiple endings, but they literally branch from who you decide to fight in the game's final scene.

-Along the same lines, I found myself wishing that I could change more about my character. Yes, he has different costumes (more on that later) and you can customize his lightsaber (again, more later) but there was no real effect from any of the changes. Going back to KOTOR, everything you did had an impact on the character, weapons, armor, even decisions you made meant differences in powers and how people react to you. I guess what I'm saying is that I would have preferred more of a RPG feel and less simple hack and slash.

-However, one of the biggest problems I always had with KOTOR (to the point that I have used fan-made patches in the past to change this) was that for a game where you are a Jedi, too much time is spent becoming a Jedi and not getting to handle a lightsaber. Force Unleashed has no such problem. From the very first mission, you are a full fledged Jedi (ok, Sith) wielding a lightsaber. Your power grows over time, improving some powers and allowing you to learn new ones, but you can start off doing all sorts of fun force-related things.

-In fact, not only do you start off with force powers, the first mission of the game is somewhat of a prologue where you take the role of Darth Vader². You slash and choke your way through an army of Wookies (and all the Stormtroopers, too, if you feel like it) and hunt down a rogue Jedi.

-The story is entertaining, and to be quite honest, on average better than Episodes I-III.⁴

-The graphics on the Wii version of the game are not as good as the 360 or PS3 version, but using the motion control is a lot of fun. Want to slash someone with a lightsaber? Just slash left or right with the wiimote. Same for up and down or even a lunge to stab your opponent. Shove the nunchuck forward and you use the force to push things in front of you (enemies, debris, whatever) and send them flying. You can even hold someone in the air and throw your lightsaber to impale them.

-Controlling which target you choose, however, is not so easy. There is a targeting system, but it only works sporadically and even then it doesn't work well.

-The game itself is fairly simple, but when it comes to boss fights it's much easier to just have the cheat codes on.

-Since you can collect various color crystals for your saber and costumes for your character to wear, hours of fun can be had by giving your character a purple lightsaber and putting him in the Mace Windu costume then killing enemies while screaming Samuel L. Jackson type things.

The game was a lot of fun, but the replay value is only so-so and I'm glad that I rented rather than buying. Have any of the rest of you played this?

¹KOTOR is my favorite Star Wars game, and is one that I have played over and over and even reinstalled in the past few months to play again. The closest after that would have to be TIE Fighter, which I enjoyed despite never loving or being particularly good at other flight simulators.

²As an interesting note, the voice of Darth Vader is provided throughout the game by Matt Sloan who is probably best known for being one of the creators of (and providing the voice for) Chad Vader.³

³You've seen Chad Vader, right? If not, go watch it or at least episode 1 and then come back and finish this post later.

⁴They did make one of the bosses a Gungan, so it was almost like they were giving players the chance to kill Jar Jar Binks.

An Open Letter to the Nest of Yellow Jackets in Our Yard

2008-09-21T21:30:00.004-04:00

Dear Sirs and Madams,

I realize we got off to kind of a rough start. I was completely oblivious to your presence before running your nest over with the lawnmower. As soon as I realized what was happening I tried to move away and let you have your space. I would have taken the lawnmower with me, but you were swarming all over it and quite frankly I just can't deal with you when you're that mad (that's right, I could see you swarming from all the way in my house). I mean, really, how many hours did it take you to calm down? It wasn't until that night when you were finally ready to go to sleep that you were willing to let the whole thing go, and even then I'm not sure that you were really letting go as much as just too exhausted to swarm anymore.

I know I upset you, but you really did take things too far. I got away as quickly as I could and tried to defuse the situation, but you just couldn't leave it at that, could you? Oh no; you had to get a parting shot in. Even though I was perfectly willing to just walk away, one of you hid in my pants or shoe and stung me on my ankle. You came into my home and hurt me. I might even be able to let this go if I were the only one involved. You hurt me, and maybe I deserved it, but I've also got Melissa and the boys to think about. So, I'm afraid that this has to be it for us. I want my stuff back, and I want my yard back. I'm sorry it came to this, but you left me no choice. I hope you don't mind all that poisonous foam that's filling your front door (and your entire nest, with any luck). No hard feelings; I just can't let you hurt me again.

I hope you die,

Craig

P.S. We just had a flood, why couldn't you just die then and save us both the trouble?

In The Shiny Little Surrey With The Fringe On The Top

2008-09-10T18:55:00.001-04:00

First of all, this post has nothing to do with horse-drawn carriages or Oklahoma!, so those of you who ended up here because you are Amish or into musical theater can feel free to leave whenever you want.

A couple of times today, the subject of the new J.J. Abrams show, Fringe, has come up. I did watch it, but I hadn't really thought about it much today as I spent the entire day searching for and compiling information at the request of an auditor from the land down under. It turns out that despite my best efforts there is not a single question he can ask in that situation which can be appropriately answered by smiling and handing him a Vegemite sandwich. At least, not with any sort of professionalism. Anyway, after hearing a few other opinions and getting some questions about my thoughts on Fringe, I figured I'd give it a quick review.

First, of all. Yes, I did like it, but I think it was obvious that it was still a pilot and many of the things that grow over time in a TV show were not there yet.

I know, I know. It's just an X-Files rip off, right? I've said it, too. However, looking at this a little more objectively, the similarities to the X-Files begin and end with federal agents investigating things that involve the paranormal. Even there we don't know enough about what they will be investigating to determine how similar that is. (Besides, how does a broadly similar premise to a show that ended years ago mean that a show doesn't have a reason to exist or have creative worth. Following this logic, there should be no police shows after the first one ever made, no political dramas, and certainly no sitcoms that revolve around a family. That is so played out.) The lead characters of Olivia Dunham and Peter Bishop are clearly not Mulder and Scully. Neither is really a believer, and neither is really a skeptic. They just get drawn into the situation and have to go with the flow. Dunham does immediately concede to things that she probably shouldn't. I know the last time someone told me to strip to my underwear, take LSD and shove probes into the base of my skull, it took a little convincing. She does it not out of belief, but out of desperation. Sure, she should think to herself, "Hey, this is a stupid idea. Why would I listen to a guy who was in a mental institution for almost two decades, anyway?" She doesn't, because she is grasping at straws to save someones life and because, let's face it, it helps to move the show. The best way to look at it is as a cop show, but one with a lot of sci-fi. Without the burden of being compared to a phenomenon like the X-Files, the show fares much better.

Fringe was over-the-top and unrealistic, and I think this is why I liked it. It didn't try to make you think that everything was part of our reality. It was part of their reality. People don't have their skin crystallize and turn transparent. People don't plug into the brains of comatose or recently dead people and have a chat, and believe me unused lab equipment certainly does not go unclaimed for 15 years. 15 days would be kind of a stretch. It's not about suspension of disbelief in the sense of Jack Bauer being able to accomplish everything in 24 hours, when it would take him that long to drive across LA. It's about being pulled into a brand new world. It's sci-fi, but almost to the point of being fantasy. It's about becoming involved in the world that the writers have built for us, where two scientists who shared a lab travelled down divergent paths. One caused the death of a colleague in an experiment and ended up in an institution. The other started a corporation that does anything and everything (and is essentially this show's Hanso Foundation), but may also be doing much more than they claim. The conflict between these two sides of the same coin has promise for further development in the future.

The biggest fault so far was the two leads, who really where just there to help push pieces into place during this first episode. I hope that they are developed more as the show goes on (which is typical for a show like this). Some of the supporting actors/characters were much more interesting: Specifically, Walter Bishop, the formerly institutionalized professor, who was somehow functional in the lab despite being completely nuts.

To sum up: It was fun and a good set up for the future. I just hope that it lives up to what it can be.

I, For One, Welcome Our New Insect Overlords.

2008-09-09T19:42:00.001-04:00

While people around the world are focused on whether or not the start up of the Large Hadron Collider is going to create a universe-consuming dragon¹, most have overlooked the more real threat to destroy mankind: Water bears

Water bears, also known as Tardigrades, are near-microscopic invertebrates (the largest are around 1.5 mm) that can be found just about everywhere. On their own, they don't really seem to be that scary. Look at this guy.

He's kind of cute, right? A little pudgy and looking pretty jovial. In all honesty, it resembles nothing so much as a clean-shaven, multi-limbed Dr. Phil. Throw a mustache on the thing, and you can almost picture him saying, "Now that is one skanky-lookin' coke whore." But don't let its looks deceive you. The problem is that water bears are extremely tough. They are found everywhere, because they can survive anywhere. They can handle high temperatures, low temperatures, both extremely high and low pressures and even being completely dried out. Now, scientists have sent some of them into space to test their ability to withstand exposure. It turns out that being in the vacuum of space and exposed to extreme temperatures didn't kill them. In fact, they were even exposed to "cosmic rays and deadly levels of solar ultraviolet radiation" and came through it just fine.

When will we learn, people? Have comic books and movies taught us nothing? Exposure to high levels of radiation makes organisms bigger, stronger, and greener (or possibly grey), or in some cases blue, naked, and unable to care about the problems of normal humans. Cosmic rays on the other hand have been associated with becoming elastic, turning to stone and self-immolation. These are only a few of the known symptoms, and who knows how bad it can get.

To make sure you know how bad it could get, here is a brief outline of what we can expect as the Tardigrades grow in power and eventually overthrow the earth.

Not so cute now, is he?

First, the exposure to radiation will seem to kill them, but, against all odds, they will come back and seem perfectly normal. (Wait, read that article again. This part already happened!) Then, with their moods seeming to swing violently from one extreme to another, they will begin to exhibit new abilities. These will be uncontrollable at first, but then the Tardigrades will learn to control their abilities, and with control comes greater power. A few will gain super-size, while others gain super-strength or the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes². Those few who gain super-intellect will rule the others and lead them in the rebellion to come. Within two years, the water bear army will wipe out most life on Earth, leaving only those who are found useful and can serve them.

They must be stopped, but right now we have no champion, no hero capable of stepping up to the fight. So, anyone want to volunteer to stand in front of the beam at the LHC? I hear you can get cool powers that way³. Ooh, you know what's a cool superhero name? The Dragon.

¹As a fan of hyperbole, I think that quote about the dragon may be the best answer I have ever seen to questions of safety that are founded in fear of scientific advancement rather than knowledge of any actual danger.

²Do they even have eyes? Well, if not they'll shoot laser from other places. You don't wanna know.

³This, as with all science in this post, is satirical and is not meant to encourage dangerous or destructive behavior. The Fount of Useless Information is not responsible for any attempts to use this post in any manner other than its intended use. Please consult your nuclear physicist before exposure to any form of radiation. Superpowers are not real and actual results may include decreased fertility, radiation sickness and death.

Yeah, I Said It

2008-09-03T06:47:00.001-04:00

Since I've already shared my probably unpopular opinion on the Olympics, I figured why not go ahead a give you a few more.

I don't like Wes Anderson movies. People tell me I will. People tell me I should. I've tried to like them. I've even tried to convince myself that I liked them, but really it just doesn't work. Oh, sure I may sit there thinking "Hey, that's one quirky character. Yeah, how clever to make that person completely unlike any human being I would ever choose to be around for more than twenty seconds." A joke may make me half-heartedly chuckle or almost smile, but by the end I realize that I don't like any of the characters, and there's a pretty good chance that I may want to fall asleep.^*

I can't wait for the presidential race to be over. I hate that everything on TV and the internet has to do with the election and that all I hear anywhere is about how my candidate is better than yours, blah blah blabbity blah. Not only that, but I've got news for you: Every time I hear anything from one candidate it makes me want to vote for the other guy. Yeah, that's right the other guy. Campaign ads? Counterproductive. Negative ads? Doubly so. Send me an email or tell me all about how evil his opponent is? Damaging my opinion of your candidate and in all likelihood, of you as well.^** I'm fully capable of learning things, forming opinions and making decisions all on my own, thank you. And if you think that I don't mean your party or your candidate and that surely there is an exemption, you're wrong. That's right, despite being far too old to be mistaken for one, I'm apparently a rebellious teenager who is going to go against anything anyone tells me just out of the need to rebel.

If you happen to hear a spinning noise coming from underground, don't worry, that is likely just everyone who was associated with the original version of The Women^*** rolling over in their respective graves. Alternatively, it could be the career of Meg Ryan, which I'm fairly certain did pass away a few years ago.

Yeah, I realize that last one wasn't very controversial, but I couldn't think of another topic and really needed a way to end this post and, like magic, the trailer just came on TV.

^*Oh, I am so getting my hipster card revoked for this. . . or would be, if I were ever hip enough to have one.

^**Also damaging to my opinion of you: Being unable to realize that, while someone may have the same agenda as you, they still have an agenda and that maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't automatically believe everything someone says just because they agree with you.

^***Just the ones who have actually died. I make no claims about how anyone from the first film, who is still living feels about the remake or how much time they spend in graves.

Running for the Border

2008-09-01T09:21:00.001-04:00

[Int. Car - Driving past a Taco Bell- Day]

M: A Volcano Taco

C: Yeah, I saw that and was wondering what that was, too.

M: It probably makes you erupt violently after you eat it.

C: So, it's just a regular Taco Bell taco?

Go, Roll to Victory, Hit Your Stride

2008-08-28T07:11:00.002-04:00

First, let me apologize to anyone who care nothing about sports. There's nothing for you in this post. Sorry. Ok, moving on...

College football starts tonight and while I'm sure my patriotism will be questioned for saying it, I have to admit that I'm a million times more interested in this than I was in the Olympics.¹ Fortunately, I'm also not nearly as invested in this as I was when I was younger. Yes, I still love the games and follow as much as I can, but time and distance have allowed me to realize just how much insanity there is that goes along with what is really just a game.

For a first week, there is plenty going on:

The University of Alabama (the team I grew up rooting for and actually still root for despite never having attended a class there) takes on Clemson on a neutral field. I love that two teams ranked in the top-25 went out of their way to schedule a ranked non-conference opponent to start the season off right. This does not, however, make up for scheduling Tulane, Western Kentucky and Arkansas State as your other non-conference opponents.

Michigan fans (and you know who you are) will get to watch the debut of new coach Rich Rodriguez against Utah and hope to see Appalachian State (you remember them) can spoil the season of another highly ranked team² (this time, it's defending champ LSU and the guy I thought for sure would come home to Michigan and be their head coach). I don't know if Rodriguez will mean more wins, but the offense will be much more fun to watch.

In one of the other games involving two ranked teams, my alma mater, Illinois³, will try to prove that last year was not a fluke by taking on Missouri. Unfortunately, I'm pretty convinced that last year was a fluke and that the only chance that UI has in this game is that Mizzou may be distracted by the people claiming that they have a shot at the national title and may be overconfident (don't see it happening though). At least the Illini have the quarterback with the better name. Really, Chase Daniel is cool, but how can you compete with Juice Williams?

Then of course, there are all sorts of other games that most people don't care about. But if you happen to be at Miami (OH), there would be an opportunity to see your team take on the university which completely did away with its athletic department a few years ago, moving all intercollegiate athletics to the Department of Student Life, putting them approximately on the level with student government⁴.

There are 120 teams, all with a (theoretical) shot at the national title, and it all starts tonight. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go figure out how to see the Alabama-Clemson game which is not showing on my cable provider.

(Other interesting opening weekend games I didn't mention: Kentucky/Louisville, USC/Virginia, Oregon/Washington, Tennessee/UCLA)

¹ Yes, Michael Phelps was impressive, but I wouldn't watch swimming, track or trampoline any other time, so why would I watch it every four years. Also, you can try as hard as you want, but you're not going to get me to think that winning or losing athletic events against other countries makes my country any better or worse than theirs.

² While it is exciting to point out that this is the match-up of two defending national champions (App State won the Division I-AA championship), I don't think ASU is going to get to sneak up on anybody this year. The fear of ending up like last year's Michigan team, which will be remembered for that first game despite ending up with a pretty good season.

³ Actually that's alma mater II. Alma mater I has the weekend off. One could also argue that they have every weekend off, but that's not true despite the scores seeming to reflect that.

⁴ For those of you not wanting to waste time looking it up, I'm talking about Vanderbilt, one of the schools home to the "That's all right. That's OK. You'll be pumping our gas someday." cheer. By the way, that cheer is second only to the declaration by members of the SMU student body that "our maids went to Texas."

Lost 5.01 "Because You Left" Countdown

2008-08-22T07:24:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if this countdown makes things better or worse, but it looks cool. Perhaps when we get close to time it will start beeping and the numbers will be replaced with hieroglyphics.

They Like Their Cryptids Like They Like Their Coffee...

2008-08-14T14:22:00.000-04:00

So, apparently someone found bigfoot? Viral marketing for a book/TV show/movie, or just more nutjobs? I guess we'll find out once they reveal all their evidence. I'm relatively sure I know where I stand on this one.

No Lunch for You

2008-08-14T11:57:00.001-04:00

It's never good when you go to grab some lunch and think, "Wow, the cops must like this place as much as I do. There are two police cars in the parking lot." Apparently, they weren't just there for the food.

Still Uninspired

2008-08-11T07:47:00.001-04:00

Here we go again.

Something occurred to me the other day. If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what precisely does that mean when someone claims to be a humanitarian?

Shortly after this, it occurred to me that Gallagher wants his shtick back.

I'm always way behind the times, so most of you have probably already been to this site, but in case you haven't check out Cake Wrecks, which celebrates some of the more disturbing baked goods people have ever paid for.

Are run and ran really that hard to keep straight? If you have problems with which one to use, just remember, "...and I ran. I ran so far away." and the rest all pretty much takes care of itself.

It was Ribfest here this weekend, and one of the vendors was called O.T.'s. They were really good, but I couldn't help wondering if it was going to turn out that they sold barbecue and Scientology.^1,2

Wow, apparently I only thought I hated the faux Breakfast Club commercial. What I feel for that one is nothing compared to the ad (for Kraft, I think) where they add "pure" to everything they say, like "purefect" and "pureka."Then there is the Pizza Hut commercial where the delivery person pretends to be a French baker while people try their new Dunkers. Look, I'm not saying that they may not be tasty, but it doesn't take a genius to identify a breadstick with chocolate chips on top.

This weekend we were driving along the road and saw that some business had their sign alternating between showing the temperature in Fahrenheit and Celcius. It stated that the temp was 23°C, which seemed fairly reasonable, then switched and told us that it was -126°F. I'm not sure which surprised me more: that I had really underdressed for the weather and was going to die within moments of leaving the car or that I really must have been remembering those calculations for temperature conversion wrong. I guess they weren't kidding in school when they told us that if you didn't use what you learned, you'd lose it.

Come back later, maybe I'll have something to say...but I doubt it.

^1. To be fair, their food was incredible and I think that may have been someone's name. I'm not ruling anything out yet though.
^2. Also, I thought it would be amusing to come up with a lyrics for a song about Ribfest using Adam Sandler's Hanukkah Song, but I couldn't really get any further than making jokes about gout, but it's probably all for the best.

Cornbread: Ain't Nothin' Wrong With That

2008-08-01T19:59:00.001-04:00

Guess what? I don't have much of anything interesting to say, so you're getting a bunch of uninteresting things that have been bouncing around in my mind.

We have a spam filter at work that filters out pretty much anything that could be spam. It does a good job, but occasionally something will slip through. The other day, a few messages made it past the filter so I ended up with an inbox containing four copies of the same spam message from different "senders." As I was deleting them, I noticed that the first name of the sender for one of the messages was Slartibartfast. Are spammers developing a sense of humor?

Ok, I think I've got this all figured out. If warm chicken tastes good, cold crunchy veggies taste good, a warm chicken-cold crunchy salad tastes good-good then my new chocolate-covered garlic-stuffed shrimp should taste good-good-good. Oh yeah, I'm gonna be rich.

If you're walking around a store like Target, even if you are a pathetic backward-hat wearing frat boy, people should not be able to smell you three aisles away. Seriously Stinky, wearing that much cologne is not going to make women line up for the chance to bear your children. Do us all a favor and ease back just a little bit.

Here's something I don't think I've talked about on here in the past. I was a really big fan of the X-Files for quite a while. In fact, the first movie came out just over ten years ago. Also just over ten years ago, Melissa and I got married and moved across the country so that I could start school in Illinois. One of the very first things we did upon arriving in Illinois was find out where a theater was so that we could go see X-Files. By one of the first things, I mean that when we went to the grocery store for the first time so that we had at least some food in the house to eat (which also happened to be the day the movie was released) we asked one of the employees where the theater was so that as soon as we put the groceries away, we could go see it. Priorities, you know? I've said all that to say this: I don't know if it's that it has been 6 years since the show ended or how the last few seasons went or the fact that the best reviews I have seen have been barely even lukewarm, but I haven't seen the new movie yet. I'm not sure if I will.

Our air conditioner is currently broken. It just so happens that the company that is going to fix it is called Bel Aire. It turns out that if you suggest asking the repair guy if he is The Prince, other people may not think you are as funny as you do. (Note: Only suggest asking this. Don't actually ask or they may leave you to fix it yourself.)

Have you seen the commercial for JC Penney where a bunch of kids far too young to have ever seen The Breakfast Club are re-enacting The Breakfast Club? I am irrationally angered by that commercial.

Is that it? Yeah, that's it.

"New Direction" Earns Two Thumbs Down

2008-07-30T17:49:00.000-04:00

Ok, Siskel has been gone since 1999, and Ebert hasn't been on the show for a couple of years due to health reasons, but the final demise of the show they created is very sad. I may not always agree with Roger Ebert's reviews. There have even been times when I wondered if he was insane based on his opinions, but there is no doubt that he, like Gene Siskel was, is a man who loves the movies*. That is what made the show great in its heyday. These were two guys who loved movies talking about the movies. In the pre-internet days, they were the superfans out there going to early screenings and telling you what they thought. They were the ones telling you that "yes, these are the good movies showing near you, but here is something you may not have heard about." The millions of film sites on the web today (for better or for worse) wouldn't be the same without the influence of this program. They were critics, yes, but they were also fans who loved what they were doing and just wanted to talk about it. That's why Sneak Previews/At the Movies worked.

Ebert recently wrote a great piece about the show, which covered it from conception to now. I highly recommend it, and I sincerely hope that even if it ends up with a new name in a new place, that the show and the thumbs will return once again.

*This has little to do with the article, but I just wanted to mention it anyway. Roger Ebert and I share an alma mater, and every year he returns to Champaign and puts on a film festival with what he considers to be "overlooked" movies. I always talk about going, but something always gets in the way (time, money, not caring about the movie selections for that year).

Take What You Can Get

2008-07-24T17:49:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, my job irritates me. Sometimes, it irritates me a lot. Every once in a while, however, something small will happen that at least amuses me enough to help get through one of the bad days. It's things like being able to say, with all seriousness, "I had to go put on my tie so that I can look professional when the Byelorussians^* do their walk through."

^*Yes, I could say Belarusians, but phrasing it this way emphasizes the inherent absurdity of the whole thing.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-18T21:18:00.000-04:00

I loved Batman Begins and have been waiting (im-)patiently since for the sequel. Today, that wait was over.

I will freely admit that when I first heard that Heath Ledger was going to play the Joker, I was skeptical. I will also freely admit that I was wrong. Really, really wrong. This is not the same Joker we've seen before. He isn't Jack Nicholson being Jack Nicholson in makeup. This Joker isn't funny. He's the Joker comic fans know who is a psychopath and when he makes one of his jokes, he's the only one laughing.*

I don't want to give away too much about the movie, so I'll just make a few more points before saying a couple spoilerish things in the comments (that way spoilers won't just show up in your RSS reader).

If you are planning to see this, hit the bathroom first and go for the small soda. It's a long 152 minutes when you get the 72 ounce mega-jug.

I'm still not sure I love the character of Rachael Dawes, but Maggie Gyllenhaal does a much better job than Katie Holmes did.

Don't expect a nice tidy back-story like you got for previous versions of the Joker. Much like in the comics, his story changes depending on who he tells it to. I think I like it that.

Aaron Eckhart was perfect as the "white knight" Harvey Dent and the counter-point to Batman's Dark Knight.

I love that Nolan never really gives us an answer as to whether it's ok that Batman is a vigilante and breaks laws or whether his mere existence creates the new version of criminal like the Joker. It's a morally gray area and we have to figure it out for ourselves.

When you see the mayor of Gotham, what pops into your head: "It's (a) Batmanuel! (b) Luis or (c) Richard Alpert"?

Before the movie, the were trailers for the new Terminator movie (good trailer, not sure if I care about the movie), The Spirit (ok trailer, not sure if I care about the movie), Watchmen (great trailer, and I really want this movie to be good.)

*Unless you were in a theater like the one we were in where people were so used to the Joker being funny (funny ha ha, that is) that they laughed no matter what he said. I kept wondering if they were really aware of just how crazy the guy was. This was scary crazy, not funny crazy.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

2008-07-11T19:51:00.003-04:00

I managed to escape just a little early today, and we went to catch a late matinee of Hellboy II. It's no secret that I love Hellboy. I loved the first movie, loved all the comics I've been able to get a hold of, including the BRPD comics without Red. (You have great storytelling that combines pulp noir with mythology from all over the world, secret organizations, and a big red smart-alec demon with a huge right hand made of stone. What's not to like about the comics?)

Guillermo del Toro, who returns to direct his second Hellboy film, is the perfect choice to helm the series because he has an eye for the fantastic unlike any director working today. The creatures he has created for the Hellboy films (as well as those in Pan's Labyrinth) look as if they had just crawled out of a dream...or nightmare. (This is why I really look forward to seeing what he can do with The Hobbit.)

As with the first film, del Toro worked on the story with Mike Mignola, the creator of Hellboy. The story, this time, revolves around a prince of elves who wishes to break the truce with humans that has held for years and restart an old war, exterminating humanity once and for all. As he strikes the first blow, the BRPD is brought in to investigate. Where it goes from there, I'll allow you to see for yourself. The story itself works as more than just a way to move from one (admittedly impressive) action- or visual-heavy piece to the next and is strengthened by the fact that the characters are written to show their humanity even if they aren't really human at all.

David Hyde Pierce is hardly missed as the voice of Abe Sapien (this is no knock on DHP, he declined the offer to come back and didn't even do publicity for the first film because he thought it really was Doug Jones' role, not his.), and John Hurt's return as Prof. Bruttenholm is welcome even if it is relatively brief. Seth McFarland (of Family Guy fame) joins the cast as the newest member of the BRPD team, Johann Kraus. Really though, the movie belongs to Perlman who is again pitch-perfect as Hellboy.

The movie isn't without it's flaws, but they are ones I was willing to overlook for something as enjoyable as this was. If you liked the first one, I would certainly recommend this one as well.

WALL-E (and other movie-going things)

2008-07-07T17:02:00.001-04:00

We went to see WALL-E last week, not long after returning from a trip to my parent's house. Before I got a chance to post about it, a thunderstorm knocked out our power and left us in the virtual dark ages sans lights, air conditioning and, most importantly, internet access.

I could tell you all about the movie and whether I liked it or not (I did), but let's face it: You can find a review of WALL-E anywhere and if you haven't seen it and don't plan to see it nothing I say will really make a difference.* What I can give you that no one else can is the remarkable story of some of the people with whom we shared a theater.

We had hurried to make sure we made it to the 11:00 showing, and by the time I bought our tickets (for the 11:30 show because I'm no dummy) and got in line at the concession stand it was around 10 after. Since we went to the movie early in the day and WALL-E was showing on three separate screens, the crowd was pretty sparse even though it was summer. There may have been 15 to 20 people in the entire theater, but that didn't bother me, I'd much rather have the place to myself than sit next to a stranger.** Most of the people were there with small children***, but our story will focus specifically on a woman who was there with (what I assume to be) her granddaughter.

They sat uneventfully through the movie, and were directly in front of us as we filed out. They tossed their trash into the waiting can rolled out by the employee who was waiting to clean the theater, and, following close behind, we did the same.

"Oh hang on," the grandmother said, digging through the trash, "I want to show them this."

She pulled out the cup for their Pepsi Freeze (a sort of slushy, partially frozen thing...kind of like a Squishee one might get at the Kwik E Mart) and proceeded over to concession stand. Needless to say, I was intrigued and fortunately since we had nothing to do but stand around while waiting for the third member of our party to extricate herself from her seat and actually leave the theater, we got to find out what was going on. It turned out that the frozen beverage had a piece of popcorn in it. "Wait," you might say, "a piece of popcorn? Inside the open cup? Like what might happen if one is eating popcorn in a dark room while holding a cup with a large opening?" And of course, that isn't at all what happened, since the people filling the cup clearly filled it about halfway, took it to the popcorn machine and dropped a piece in and then continued filling it. Fortunately, the people at the concession stand weren't nearly as judgemental as the rest of you, so they happily gave her a refill in her freshly recovered from the trash cup. As we stood, still waiting, the granddaughter came trotting back to the trash can and came away with their popcorn bucket, emptying it of the few remaining kernels.

"Did she just..."

"Oh yeah. She sent her back for the bucket."

"Are you sure she didn't just bring the bucket and dump it out.?"

"No she got it out of the trash."

"But it was in the trash."

"Yes, it was."

By the time we were finally ready to go, they were strolling out of the lobby and into the parking lot carrying a freshly refilled Freeze cup and bucket of popcorn. Which brings me to my question for all of you:

At what point does something officially become trash and become unsalvagable? Me, I think I share Jerry Seinfeld's opinion that adjacent to refuse is refuse and that eating it means you've crossed the line between man and bum, but I guess not everyone feels the same way. Obviously they didn't.

*To make it short: It was very good, just as one might expect from a Pixar movie. I wasn't sure how they'd pull off the sizable chunks of time in which it was all robots who really don't have much dialogue, but it worked quite well. It doesn't come close to being as wonderful as Ratatouille, but considering my feelings for that one, I think it's probably unfair for me to try to make that comparison. Also the short before WALL-E is probably my favorite one shown in front of any of the Pixar movies. Anyway, just go see it, you'll be glad.

**Or behind a stranger. Or in front of a stranger. Really, pretty much anywhere within a 5 seat zone of a stranger.

***Since there were actually three of us, one could argue that we also there to take a child to see it, but that would be rather impolite even if metaphorically accurate.

That's Famous Titles

2008-06-24T06:58:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we went to Chicago recently. While we did visit family and eat at good restaurants, the reason for this visit (at least, the reason for going at this particular time) was because I was making a fool of myself trying to get on Jeopardy. Yeah, that's right, I still am holding on to that delusion.

I had mentioned previously that I had taken the online test and didn't figure it was good enough to go any further in the process. It wasn't, but after 12 months have passed, you can take the test again. I did, and this time either I did better than I realized or everyone else taking the test just sucked. (I prefer to assume the former.) I got an email back asking for me to come to an audition in person. I, of course, very quickly cleared my schedule (of nothing) and confirmed that I would be attending.

When I arrived for the audition, there were approximately twenty of us waiting for the earlier session to end. After completing our paperwork, and having our pictures taken (I did not want to have that picture taken, and yet if I got my way, I'd end up on TV...that really doesn't make sense, but I suppose I rarely do.), we went into the main room where we were introduced to the people who would be running the session. All of them were incredibly friendly and made us feel very comfortable. They briefly took us through some of the types of clues we should expect and gave us a chance to show that we knew how to answer them. Unlike when you were in school and getting someone to answer a question was next to impossible, the clue would not even be complete and an entire room full of Martin Princes were raising there hands saying, "Pick me teacher. I'm ever so smart!" Once we had this down, it was time for another test. We had all done well enough on the online test, but to narrow us down even further, there were 50 more questions and only 8 seconds to answer each one. After finishing the test, we went up in groups of three to play a very brief version of the actual game. After a few clues, they asked us questions about ourselves to see how we handled them and to see if we were so boring that people would fall asleep or change the channel if we make it to the show.

So, how did I do? Well, I think I did ok on the test and while playing, but let's face it if you're here reading this, you are pretty well aware that I'm a fairly boring individual and I don't have much I can say about myself that would be worth talking about on TV (which brings up a question: if you're aware of how boring I am, why are you still reading this?). Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how I feel I did because I don't get to make the decisions. At the moment, I know nothing and get to wait for 18 months to find out if I did well enough to be on the show or if I should just try the test again. I guess in the end it turns out that auditioning for Jeopardy is a lot like dating: There's a lot of waiting for the phone to ring, a lot of hoping that someone else thinks you are good enough, it's going to include a little humiliation and it's probably going to end in disappointment.

We'll Get Wild, Wild, Wild

2008-06-19T17:43:00.000-04:00

This is a conversation I like to imagine happening around 1983 or so between the members of the band Quiet Riot.

Band Member: All right guys, this new single is gonna cement our place in rock history.

Rest of band: Yeah!

Band Member: Cum on Feel the Noize is going to be a song people rock to for a long time to come!

Rest of Band: Yeah!

Band Member: And in another 25 years, it will be used to advertise french fries!

Rest of Band: Yeah--Wha??

Topolobampo

2008-06-18T06:57:00.000-04:00

We went to Chicago last weekend (more on the why later), and while we were there we went to eat at Topolobampo (one of the restaurants owned by Rick Bayless the host of Mexico: One Plate at a Time). We had eaten at Frontera a few years ago, but this was our first visit to the more "upscale" Topolobampo. The atmosphere, service and food were wonderful.

Here's a quick rundown of what we had. (Descriptions lifted from the online menu at the restaurant website and slightly blurry pictures taken in low light with a cameraphone.)

I started out with the Sopa Azteca (not pictured, because we didn't think to start taking pictures until our entrees arrived.): dark broth flavored with pasilla, with grilled chicken, avocado, Meadow Valley Farm hand-made Jack cheese, thick cream and crisp tortilla strips.

I can say without hyperbole that it was one of the best if not the best soup I have ever had.

I ordered theachiote-marinated Maple Creek Farm pork two ways: grill-roasted loin and slow-cooked shoulder in banana leaves. Guero chile rajas, black barley, habanero-dressed "shoots" salad, pickled red onions.

while Melissa had the pan-roasted Maine lobster with red chile mojo de ajo (olive oil-poached garlic). Giant butter beans, roasted fresh favas and "ancho crunch."

For dessert I can't simply steal the names and descriptions of what we had from the website because the dessert menu isn't online, so you're stuck with what I remember (which is certainly not the names since they were in Spanish).

My dessert was a chocolate-almond cake with caramel/cashew ice cream and Melissa's was a rhubarb tartlet with coconut ice cream.

When we left, we did see Rick Bayless in the restaurant talking with some friends, but decided not to get the cameraphone out to take an intrusive picture. We had a good time and enjoyed the food, and I personally really look forward to going to Frontera or Topolobampo again.

That's Infotainment!

2008-06-16T06:28:00.000-04:00

I've learned a lot of things from watching infomercials over the years. They all rely on a simple marketing trick in which one takes a supposed situation which is a minor inconvenience at worst and presents it as a problem desperate for a solution. The original situation is shown along with the horrific consequences, then the new and glorious solution is shown with evidence that all consequences are gone. With that in mind, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. For years, Melissa and I have been discussing our great "As Seen on TV" idea and just how we would plan the infomercial.

Picture it: Sicily, 19...Wait. Sorry, I was reading from the wrong script.† Ok, let's try again.

Voiceover Guy: Has this ever happened to you? You settle in with your favorite drink and some Cheetos٭ in your chair in front of the TV. It's just you, your snacks and the game. You reach in, grab a handful of Cheetos and begin shoving them into your cavernous maw.

*We see our decidedly below-average Joe doing just that*

A few handfuls later, you wonder what's going on in the game on the other channel. You grab the remote, flip channels and, as you set it down, realize: Oh no! Everything is covered in Cheeto dust!

*Shot of remote with orange fingerprints.*

Frustrated, you look down at your hand and realize that what was once your hand is now encased in a Cheeto Glove.

*Shot of hand covered in more orange-colored, cheese-flavored coating than an entire bag of Cheetos could contain. *

Now your troubles are over thanks to this revolutionary new invention. No more reaching into the bag, only to come out with a disgusting mess.

*Clip of a woman reaching into a bag. She pulls her hand out, and it is covered in colored flavor dust from the bag. Close in on her face as she looks down at her hand, frowns and shakes her head in disgust.*

With our new patented SnackTongs!™ you get the all the flavor with none of the mess.

*Clip continues as the woman uses SnackTongs!™ to reach into the bag, pull out a single Cheeto and eat it. A face shot again as she looks at her clean hand, smiles and gives the camera a big "yes" head nod.*

That's right, your days of messy snacking are over. The revolutionary SnackTongs!™ can be yours for only 3 easy payments of $9.99‡. No more worries while eating Cheetos,

*Shot of a bag of Cheetos with a big red X over it.*

Doritos,

*Shot of a bag of Doritos with a big red X over it.*

Powdered Donuts,

*Shot of a bag of powdered donuts with a big red X over it.*

Mustard Flavored Pretzel Snacks,

*Shot of a bag of mustard flavored pretzels with a big red X over it.*

and so many other delicious snacks.

*Shot of all of the bags.*

Call or log on now and we'll double your order! That's 2 sets of SnackTongs!™, a $700.00 value, for only three easy payments of $9.99‡.

*Insert section with "inventor" discussing the importance of SnackTongs!™ and eating various fingerfoods with them in front of "studio audience."*

And if you call in the next 15 minutes, we'll knock off one of your payments! That's right. We're giving you two sets of the amazing SnackTongs!™ , worth over $800.00, for two, that's just two, low, low payments of $9.99‡. Don't miss out. Operators are standing by.

†Sorry. Those of you wanting to read my Golden Girls fanfic script will just have to wait for another time.

٭I realize that if we were to actually make this infomercial, we couldn't use Cheetos. We'd use a non-branded cheese flavored corn snack. If we tried to use Cheetos, Frito-Lay would sick Chester on us so fast we wouldn't know what hit us. Except that we would, because it was really fast, and therefore likely a cheetah.

‡Plus $349.99 Shipping and Handling. Offer not valid in Texas, Nebraska, Hawaii, Alaska, Iowa, New York, New Jersey, California, Rhode Island, Illinois, Michigan, Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, or outside of United States. Sorry Canadians, but you have to eat your mauve-colored Ketchup chips with your hands.

What's Happening Now?

2008-06-13T22:33:00.003-04:00

We just got back from seeing the newest M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Happening. I'll try to discuss it without spoilers to begin with, but any full discussion will require some spoilers. I'll give warning before I get to that point, though.

As the movie begins, there is something happening. I know this because they tell us repeatedly. In fact, it appears to be an event that's happening. Whatever this event is, it seems to make people stop talking, walk backwards and then commit suicide. The movie follows Elliot, a science teacher played by Marky Mark, and his wife, played by Zooey Deschanel, as they try to escape from whatever it is that's happening.

The first problem is that the acting highlight of the film is Marky Mark. John Leguizamo? Really bad. Zooey Deschanel? Simply horrible; her emotions never changes throughout the entire film, and I don't even know what to call the one she shows. Even if the delivery were better, I'm not sure it could have saved the dialogue they were required to say. There are times when you watch a movie and you realize that it just isn't connecting with the audience emotionally. This was certainly one of those times. Mass suicide: not supposed to be funny. When there are touching scenes involving families being torn apart or people dealing with loss, the audience should feel touched.

That's not to say it's all bad. There were moments in the movie, that really worked. Here and there, I felt the tension that we were supposed to feel the whole time or
could see the way he was building toward something or was surprised by developments. Unfortunately, these few moments were not enough to balance out the others. I had a good time going to the theater and watching it, but it doesn't change the fact that this really was not a good movie.

Now, to things that can only be discussed with spoilers. Those of you who haven't seen it and don't want to be spoiled, should probably stop now. (and since I don't know what people will say in the comments, you might want to avoid those too)

A little spoiler safe space...

Really, that is our big bad guy in this movie? Plants? This idea is fairly bad on its own, but it is made even worse by some of the things it causes. Trying to "stay ahead of the wind." I know chase scenes seem obligatory in movies like this, but running from the wind?

The video of the zoo keeper feeding himself to the lions, in addition to being just awful looking (to the point that most of the theater laughed at it), didn't make much sense. So, the zoo keeper was affected by the toxin, but no one else around him was or most people were, but one person was not affected and decided to record it with their camera phone and send it to everyone else? Wasn't anyone in a panic and trying not to die, yet? Apparently, not enough to keep them from sending this new really cool video they saw.

I was definitely caught off guard by the people shooting the two boys with Elliot. The idea of the panic that was caused and that people would turn against each other, while not breaking new ground, was one of the better and better executed ideas in the movie.

One thing that did work well were many of the sequences in Mrs. Jones's house. Specifically, when Elliot was trying to find her and came upon the room with the doll. That scene was Shyamalan really playing to his strength and slowly building tension. Unfortunately, it had almost nothing to do with the actual story.

One of the worst things about the film is that many of the best things about the film were the comic relief scenes. Unfortunately, there was not enough tension to make us need that relief.

After seeing Unbreakable, Signs and The Village (I have yet to see Lady in the Water), I was one of the people who defended the movies. When people pointed out their flaws, I said, sure but what about this scene or this idea, always focusing on the positive aspects. After seeing The Happening, I think my days as apologist are over.

The Mini Shopping Cart

2008-06-13T14:50:00.000-04:00

You may have noticed over the past few years that the grocery stores have become overrun with these.

This smaller version of the standard shopping cart seems to be have something to say on behalf of the person using it. "What do you take me for," it says, "some kind of full-cart-pushing consumerist?"

Note that this particular cart contains reusable bags, as if the shoppers are all prepared to go through the store carefully selecting their organic produce and handful of other items, which cannot possibly be placed into those wasteful plastic bags, before strolling back out to the parking lot and loading the groceries in their hybrid car. Wait a second...

Hmm...Have you ever thought it would be a good idea to poke fun at something and then realized that you're mocking your own life? Yeah, me either.^*

^*I guess my real point here is that looks can be deceiving...even when they are absolutely right.

Half a Dozen of The Other

2008-06-04T11:11:00.003-04:00

I've been supposed to do this meme (from Srah) for a little while now. The problem is I just don't know what to write. The premise is fairly simple: Write six random things about you. What do you not already know that I am willing to let you know? I guess, we'll find out.

1. I hate the word supper. Seriously hate it. I'm not sure if it's the double P which causes the middle portion of the word to sound like a breathy whisper regardless of the volume at which one is speaking or if it is that is sounds like something a pretentious windbag would say to ensure that you realize his meals are finer and more sophisticated than yours.

2. I love infomercials. I think that they combine complete absurdity with marketing genius. There will be more on this eventually, because I started writing a post (quite a while ago) about it that I hope I will one day have the time to finish.

3. I don't know that I've ever had a conversation with anyone that I didn't already have mentally. Before I talk to someone I think about every possible variation of their responses and what my responses would be based on that and so on and so forth. This means that conversations with a doctor are preceded by my mental version of the conversation in which the doctor tells me everything from "you're a hypochondriac" or "we all feel like that all the time" to "you have only days to live" or "you need to be committed" depending on the problem we're discussing. (Ok, maybe saying it's every conversation I have is an exaggeration, but it's going on up there pretty much non-stop.)

4. Urban legends that I heard early in life have had a lasting impact on me. It doesn't matter if I know it's not true, they have been permanently ingrained in my mind and effect how I think. Every time I am driving at night and a the lights of a car behind me become brighter (whether it is because of a change in angle or because their brights are on) I think of this. I'm not saying that I believe anybody's there; I'm just saying that story is always there at the back of my mind.

5. I hate the issues caused by effect/affect. It's not as if you can just rely on the rule that effect is the noun and affect is the verb. Nor can you assume that affect really only is used in relation to emotion. The rules get all mixed up until something affecting you can have an effect or something can effect a specific affect on a person, though that second one is a bit of a stretch. In speech, I tend to avoid the issue by essentially pronouncing them both the same way, which comes out sounding more like uh-ffect than either of them. Unfortunately, when I write, I tend to avoid the issue by writing one followed by the other then changing it back and forth until I decide to use impact, result or some other synonym as well. Can't we all just agree to make them into one word with a single spelling?

6. While many people won't even recognize his name, I think that Maurice LaMarche is one of the most talented people in the entertainment industry. The sheer number of voices he has done is overwhelming, and he manages to do both characters that require him to sound like someone else and characters that give him the freedom to create an entirely new voice. Combined with his talent for comedic timing and intonation, this makes him a memorable actor even if you never see him.

Photo Meme

2008-06-03T11:10:00.000-04:00

Is there anyone other than me that hasn't done this yet?

The concept:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste the html into your blog or Flickr stream.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What do you fear most?
12. One Word to describe you.
**************************************
My Answers:

Next Food Network Star s4ep1

2008-06-02T21:31:00.000-04:00

Did anyone else watch The Next Food Network Star last night? I'm not at all surprised by the first person to get kicked off. She had the weakest background and (surprisingly, considering her background) she completely froze every time she was asked to speak. She's not the one I wanted to talk about, however. The woman named Lisa was so bad that by the end of the episode, we were making estimates about how long it would be before someone actually comes out and says that they hate her and whether it will actually happen before she is off the show. If she doesn't change the way she acts, neither of those will take very long. Now, maybe this is not her true personality (and I hope it's not), but rather just her on-air personality which needs to be seriously readjusted. The problem is that, as we saw her last night, she represents everything I dislike about the culinary world^*. She talked down to hosts, judges and other contestants and certainly seemed to think that she was doing everyone a favor by being in the competition. I was really surprised that anyone could start off on the show being that pretentious, arrogant and abrasive. I guess we'll see what happens as the season progresses. There seem to be some people with potential this season, but we really won't start to see who stands out for a few more weeks.

Also, how weird is it that not only is there a contestant that is 19 years old, but he was a cast member on the Nickelodeon show All That?

^*Yeah, file that one under "posts I'm eventually going to write...No, really. I am."

That's Dark, Jack. Very Dark.

2008-05-30T15:38:00.001-04:00

I really don't have the time to discuss last night's Lost finale in the way it deserves. Instead, I'll just give you a few of my highlights...

(Clearly, you don't want to read this if you haven't seen it and are avoiding spoilers.)

- Miles ended up being a fairly under used character because of the strike shortened season, but he has delivered some great lines both in terms of amusement and in terms of show mythology. Last night's "what do I mean?" was both.

- Finding out that there is more to Charlotte than an obnoxious freighter person who criticizes everyone.

- Michael's redemption arc coming to an end with him sacrificing his life to try to give everyone just a few more moments to get away.

- YJK's performance as Sun both as hysterical grieving wife and revenge plotting business woman.

- Locke coming into his own as Ben's successor. Ben's dismissal of him, ending with "You'll find your way, John. You always do." Was perfect for Locke, the man who wants to be a leader, but has always been desperate for the approval and guidance of any male authority figure to realize that he doesn't need it. Unfortunately, I think the power and importance of this scene (and Ben's realization that he is leaving and not coming back) might have been overshadowed by other things later in the episode.

- The island's disappearing act.

- Hurley calling Jack out on the fact that there is no way he could possibly explain what happened other than Locke moving the island. "Unless we overlooked it..."

- The look of resignation on Jack's face when he realized that Hurley had him and that Locke was right all along. That was probably the moment where Jack began to move toward the path that would lead him to Hoffs/Drawlar in Through the Looking Glass.

- "If you mean time-travelling bunnies, yes."

- The look on Locke's face when he sees Ben doing exactly what Halliwax is telling him never to do.

- Ben's revenge for Alex.

- "So?"

- Sawyer's sacrifice and eventual return to the island.

- "Checkmate, Mr. Eko."

- Desmond and Penny reuniting. As soon as the captions said "shouting in Portuguese," I sat up a little straighter hoping that these were the Portuguese guys from Penny's listening station in the finale of Season 2.

- Christian Shephard really just won't stay dead, will he?

- Sawyer calling Frank "Kenny Rogers."

- For the second year in a row they have taken and idea which, on paper, sounds like it might be horrible and made it work perfectly. (Wait, so they are going to turn a giant wheel covered in ice and make the island disappear?)

- "Bad things happened...and it was all my fault."

- The set up for season 5.

- So much more.

and of course, the questions...

- Where/when did the island go?

- If Ben can't ever go back after moving the island, why does he seem to think he's going back?

- How did Locke get off the island?

- Why is Locke off the island? Was it just to try to get the O6 to come back?

- Who is involved in "all of you have to go back"? The whole O6? Desmond? Frank? Walt?

- Is Sun really wanting to help Widmore? I have to admit to watching that scene hoping she was a double agent (for lack of a better term) and that the second person she blames is Widmore.

- Did Jin die or is he going to make it back to the island?

- What did Miles mean about Charlotte spending so much time trying to get back?

- Did Charlotte just imply that she was born on Craphole Island? How is this possible?

- Did Dan et al get transported to the same place as the island?

and finally

- What happened to Locke?

And now it's back into Lost hibernation for a ~~few months~~ really long time until it's time for the new season. (It does appear that there is a new ARG starting, but I just can't get into those because they take so much time for so little payoff.)

How about you? Highlights and/or questions?

Namaste and good luck.

Je voudrais le poulet et les frites

2008-05-27T17:19:00.000-04:00

There is a commercial for a language learning program that I hear on the radio fairly often. In this ad, the person talks about how all his friends doubted him when he said that he could order in French. He then goes on to explain what he said when the waiter arrived and how it makes him so much cooler than any of his friends¹. My problem isn't so much that he learned to speak another language or that he used his new found skills to order. In fact, my issue is not really even with the superiority complex he seems to have developed along with his linguistic abilities. My problem is that (a) I speak French like a 5 year-old² and I could have said what he did and (b) the commercial cuts off before his friends find out that their oh-so-sophisticated friend just asked for chicken and french fries³. I'd like to think that they all ordered something nice off the menu and since he insisted on ordering in French, the only thing he could figure out how to say was something off the kids menu. Hopefully, they brought him some milk in a sippy cup, too.

¹ This isn't actually stated in the commercial, but it's implied. I mean, come on. He's trying to impress his friends by ordering in French, and clearly looks down on the because they can't.

² And not a bright 5 year-old, either. It's like the really slow one that everyone says/hopes will eventually catch up to everyone else.

³ Which is not to say that there is anything wrong with chicken or french fries or even both of them together⁴. It's just that if you need to order in French, there might be something slightly more daring you could try.

⁴ There was initially an entire rant here spanning at least two more footnotes about combining chicken with various things, including waffles, how to order chicken'n'waffles in French and whether they would even know what you were talking about in a French restaurant if you tried to order chicken and waffles. I eventually decided it was a little too wordy and even calling it tangential would be a stretch.

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-05-23T17:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we went to see Indy 4 for Melissa's birthday. Unfortunately, it's a hard movie to review. It has a lot of baggage before it ever gets started that will make people's opinions tilt one way or the other. There is no way to look at the movie without looking back at Raiders or even looking back over the 20 or so years since The Last Crusade came out.

You know what: If you aren't ready for total geek mode, you might want to turn back now, because you are about to reach the point of no return. So, before I get into that, I'll give you my recommendation: If you want to go see it, go see it. Don't go in expecting to see Raiders again, but go in expecting to have fun. Many people like it, many people don't. I liked it and would be glad to see it again.

Going in, I was excited yet skeptical. I knew it wasn't going to be Raiders again. Nothing else is Raiders of the Lost Ark. Even Han Solo has a hard time being as awesome as Indy in his first film. Likewise, I was aware that Harrison Ford had aged. Everyone does, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to see Indy become older. He is supposed to be young and practically invincible. Harrison Ford is well into his 60's now, and I didn't know what to think of the possibility of an older Indy who couldn't do everything he used to do. The doubts all went away the first time I saw him put on the hat. The feeling of nostalgia took over, and it was time to just go along for the ride. Ford is Indiana Jones. Even in his 60's, he still makes you believe that he can do whatever it takes to keep important artifacts out of the hands of the movie's evil group (i.e. Nazis, cultists, Russians).

The not so good:

One thing that the films have always been good at is stretching the believable as far as possible, but never too far. Indy would get into a situation that seemed inescapable, but with a wave of the writer's deus ex machina wand, a way would appear. It would never work that way for you or me, but this is Indiana Jones we're talking about here. Early in the film, however, he was put into a situation that served no real purpose for the story, and the way of escape provided was absurd even for Indiana Jones movies. It bothered me when it happened and continued to distract me for a while.

There were a few other things I had issues with as well, but none were truly major. Much as I was in the previous paragraph, I am going to be intentionally vague to avoid spoiling things for anyone who hasn't seen it, but hopefully those who have seen it will know what I am discussing. The biggest of the issues was the central theme of the movie. It took me a little while to decide that it really wasn't too much of a departure from the other films, which used religious, mythical and supernatural issues as the back drop for the story, but that it had just taken a different turn when dealing with them. I realize this was a real problem for some people, but for me the issue was more temporary and then I adjusted my suspension of disbelief to accept it. Other issues included Shia and the monkeys, moving car swordfights, and the fact that we have apparently reached the point where the humor in the film needed to included repeated hits to the crotch.

The so-so:

Cate Blanchett, who seemed to be to big of a name for the part, was ok as a villain, but was certainly no Belloq or Toht. Then again, thinking back on The Last Crusade, I realize that there were villains, but I remember them more as faceless Nazis performing the role of antagonist than anything resembling a true villain.

The good:

I was certainly skeptical of Shia LaBoeuf as a new major character, but The Beef turned in a solid performance and was a welcome addition to the group.

Once Karen Allen and Harrison Ford were back onscreen together, their chemistry (which mostly involves arguing) was back to what made them by far the best couple in any of the Indy movies (which is probably why they are the one to be in 2 movies).

As is the case with all of the movies, the best part is Harrison Ford stepping into the role of Indy. He wears the rogue's smile as easily as he wears the fedora. He is smart, adventurous and always gets the girl. An entire generation of boys grew up wanting to be him, and now that those boys are men, they can continue wanting be like Indy when they grow up, even if that means never growing up.

Bob Barker Is Rolling Over In His (Proverbial) Grave

2008-05-13T15:06:00.003-04:00

I've mentioned in the past that I often watch The Price is Right when I go home for lunch. It is entertaining, often amusing and occasionally gives me something to babble on about. Today, however, something happened that was so shocking that I needed to post about it. I'm still not even sure that it wasn't all some sort of weird dream. Normally, the models stand around holding or pointing at prizes while waving and smiling as much as the Botox allows. Today, during the first Showcase, three models were sitting around a table pretending to have a discussion about the former guys in their lives when it happened. . . The models spoke. One by one, they shared a "story" that led into a reveal of the next prize. I couldn't believe it. I was fairly sure that there were rules against this sort of thing, but apparently not.

Did anyone else see this, and were you as surprised as I was?

Apologies to Melissa for stealing and slightly altering her statement to use as the title for this post.

Another Day, Another Meme

2008-05-12T06:56:00.001-04:00

I've been tagged with a meme for the first time in I don't know how long. Oh sure, I've stolen them now and then, but no one's actually tagged me in forever. At least getting tagged by Esther gives me something to post.

What I was doing 10 years ago:

Ten years ago, I was just finishing finals and graduating from NMSU and getting ready to get married in a couple weeks.

Five things on my To-Do list today:

1. Go to work
2. Freak out about things that aren't done and need to get done
3. Try to remain calm
4. Go home
5. Try to relax and sleep so the process can start over tomorrow

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

Live wherever I want. Do whatever I want. Not have any bills.

Three of my bad habits:

1. Not keeping in contact with people, even the ones I care about
2. Obsessing over every little thing
3. Being generally lazy

Five places I've lived:

1. Huntsville, AL and surrounding area
2. Vicksburg, MI
3. Las Cruces, NM
4. Rantoul, IL
5. Portage, MI

Four jobs I've had:

1. Microbiologist
2. Graduate research assistant
3. Tutor
4. Pizza making guy at Little Caesar's

Five books I've recently read:

1. Something by Terry Pratchett
2. Something else by Terry Pratchett
3. Yet another thing by Terry Pratchett
4. Noticing a pattern in my recent reading yet? I'm sure there were other things, but I really can't think of any right now.
5. Most of The Time Traveler's Wife

Five people I'm going to tag:

I don't even know who's out there for me to tag, so if you have a blog and you're actually still reading this, consider yourself tagged.

Black Snow

2008-04-30T17:18:00.000-04:00

Looking back, a snowfall of any sort was a big deal when I was a kid. It arrived, often unexpectedly, then, just as quickly, it would be gone. For that short period, however, everything was beautiful and seemed perfect. Maybe it was the rarity of it or maybe it was the fleeting nature, but it was a special event. Maybe it was seeing it through the eyes of child, unfettered by the worries and responsibilities of an adult life.

Things seem so different now. Having lived through winters where the ground practically disappears for weeks or months at a time and the annual snowfall is likely greater than the combined snowfall of any place I lived for the first 20 or so years of my life, I no longer look at snow with wonder, but with a contempt bred of familiarity. When the first snow begins to fall, it is still beautiful, but the reality of life quickly sets in and before long, what was once pure and pristine is ugly and dirty from wheels and plows. Whatever snow life can't push out of its way gets driven over and ground down. The once white snow is a dingy gray-black that collects on the undersides of cars and on the soles of shoes. Its stubborn refusal to melt allows us to see only a tarnished image of what snow has become rather than what it truly was. The excitement of snow has worn off and everyone begins to long for Spring. But still it stays.

In the end, the rains come and melt the snow and wash it all away. And all that is left is a memory. A memory of that first moment when the snow falls and everything is beautiful and perfect again.

I (did not) Feel The Earth Move Under My Feet

2008-04-18T16:50:00.002-04:00

Today's earthquake in southern Illinois was felt in various parts of the country including here in southern Michigan, but at 5:30 in the morning, I didn't notice a thing. We are about 250 miles from the epicenter, but you'd never know this by watching our local newscasts. This was a huge story on our news today, and rather than just acknowledge that it happened and that a few people might have felt something small, we had to discuss the impact it had on people here. They interviewed probably a half dozen people about their experiences which included things like "the papers on the fridge flapping ever so slightly." If nothing else, it reminded me of why I can't stand watching local news.

Who Says Video Games Aren't Educational?

2008-04-10T10:26:00.001-04:00

I've been a fan of video games for almost as long as I can remember. I can remember playing games way back on our Atari 2600 and our very first computer (a Texas Instruments model which used cartridges rather than disks). I still play, and as games have moved online I have followed right along. Over the years, there are a few things that I have learned...gaming truisms you might say. It may not be everything I need to know in life, but I have learned a lot from video games.

Cheat codes are forever: Once you get one of these things ingrained into your memory, it stays there long after you have stopped playing the game. (Who doesn't still know up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A? Or for those of you slightly younger: IDKFA?)

Using cheat codes does not make you better at the game, but it can make some games more fun.

Playing sports video games does not make you qualified to be a coach.

Playing a video game which contains violence has never made me become or want to become violent.

Repeatedly losing at video games has.

It's annoying when someone stands over your shoulder and tells you how you should play.

That also means it's annoying when you do it to them, but you're going to do it anyway.

When a game has a highly repetitive theme, creating fake lyrics will not help get it out of your head.

Point and click interfaces are much simpler than the early text command interfaces in which trying to figure out what to call that thing on the ground that you are trying to pick up usually ended up with an exchange that went something like this: "Get stick." "You cannot get the stick." "Get club." "You can't do that, at least not now." "Look ground." "It's covered in grass." "Get thing." "I don't see a thing." "Look on ground." "There is a staff on the ground." "Get staff." "You pick up the staff. You now have a staff." Great, now what am I supposed to do with it? "Look staff..."

However, point and click interfaces have eliminated having certain things happen when you get desperate or bored and start trying commands that are obviously not what you are supposed to do, for example: (from the King's Quest series) "Kill (I think this may also work with "hit") monk" "Anyone who would kill a man of the cloth doesn't deserve to play this game. Therefore, we shall end it." *Player dies*

The guy in your online game that calls you a "noob" is likely under the age of 15, or over the age of 30, living at home and relatively friendless.

Actors in video games tend to overdo it a little bit.

Combining that with Christopher Walken's innate over the top style yields great comedy.

Video games do not make good movies.

Typically, movies do not make good video games either.

Video games based on children's movies tend to be impossible for anyone whose age is recorded in double digits.

However, it is apparently possible to make a funny web series based on gaming.

The most mundane of objects is probably vital to your completion of that quest. (A red iris flower? Why would I need that?)

Trying to read after hours of Super Mario Brothers only leads to an imaginary Mario running along the tops of letters and jumping over the gaps between words.

When in doubt, look online. Someone has probably already faced the problem you are having and has posted the solution somewhere.

Some games have an eternal shelf life. Not only do people of my generation still remember minutiae about Super Mario Brothers and Oregon Trail, but many of us still go back and play versions of those games even now.

Some of the most enjoyable games I have ever played were shareware. (One of my favorites was Chopper Commando, a game written by a 15 year old that even included wonderful misspellings like "helicopter destoryed.")

The princess is most likely in another castle.

And always remember when the game tells you "Warrior needs food, badly," you'd better listen.

I can't be the only one who thinks like this. At least, I hope not.

LOL-actica?

2008-04-03T07:10:00.000-04:00

Just a brief post to get you ready for tomorrow night at 10:00 P.M.

Sometimes when you mix two different types of nerdyness you come up with unexpected (and seemingly contradictory) results.

The Importance of Properly Placed Punctuation: A Musical Example

2008-03-26T20:13:00.000-04:00

These are a few of my favorite things:

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad.

Spring Sprang Sprung

2008-03-21T12:03:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was the first day of Spring. It was nice and sunny with the temperature in the 40's. The last of the snow was just about melted (except in those pesky shady spots and places where it was piled up from plowing, but those won't melt until May). Today...well, I'll just let the National Weather Service tell you:

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN GRAND RAPIDS HAS ISSUED A WINTER STORM
WARNING...WHICH IS IN EFFECT FROM 11 AM THIS MORNING TO 8 AM EDT SATURDAY. SNOW WILL BEGIN LATE THIS MORNING AND BECOME HEAVY DURING THE AFTERNOON. 2 TO 5 INCHES OF SNOW ACCUMULATION CAN BE EXPECTED BY EVENING. THE SNOW WILL CONTINUE OVERNIGHT WITH AN ADDITIONAL 4 TO 7 INCHES OF SNOW EXPECTED. THIS WILL BRING TOTAL STORM ACCUMULATION OF 6 TO 12 INCHES BY DAYBREAK SATURDAY. A BRISK NORTHEAST WIND OF 15 TO 25 MPH WILL CAUSE SOME BLOWING SNOW WHICH COULD CONTRIBUTE TO VISIBILITIES FREQUENTLY BELOW A MILE.

Unfortunately, judging by the way it looks outside, they aren't lying.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to try to stop whining long enough to go look for job openings in Costa Rica.

The End of The Odyssey

2008-03-19T10:16:00.004-04:00

As I imagine most of you are probably already aware, Arthur C. Clarke passed away recently. Unlike many people whose exposure to Clarke was mostly through 2001: A Space Odyssey, my primary exposure was through the television series Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World and later Arthur C. Clarke's World of Strange Powers. These shows sparked an interest (or perhaps helped to kindle a just beginning interest) in understanding the world around me and realizing that there is a why behind every what. To this day, I still remember my father coming to find me to tell me that it was time for Mysterious World to start (this was in the pre-TiVo days...how did we live like that?) and then watching with him as they dealt with phenomena like ball lightning and cryptozoology.

You can agree or disagree with much of what Clarke has said, but there is no mistaking that he was an intelligent man who had a wonderful way with words. As such, I can see no better tribute than to present a few of my favorite insightful and amusing quotes.

"Every revolutionary idea — in science, politics, art, or whatever — seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases:
(1) 'It's completely impossible — don't waste my time'; (2) 'It's possible, but it's not worth doing'; (3) 'I said it was a good idea all along.'"

"Somewhere in me is a curiosity sensor. I want to know what's over the next hill. You know, people can live longer without food than without information. Without information, you'd go crazy."

What is often described as Clarke's First Law: "When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong."

"One cannot have superior science and inferior morals. The combination is unstable and self-destroying."

And probably my favorite, from the episode of Mysterious World dealing with the possibilities of as yet undiscovered ape men: "If anyone gave me 100 dollars to bet on it, I'd put 40 on the Yeti, 10 on Bigfoot and keep the 50 for myself."

Things Learned When ABC Family Played All Three The Cutting Edge Movies in a Row

2008-03-17T09:28:00.011-04:00

That The Cutting Edge 2 and 3 exist

You can make the same movie repeatedly without changing almost anything.

The law of diminishing returns.

The wealthy over-indulgent father in the original movie is John Locke with a creepy mustache that is far more frightening than anything he has encountered on the Lost island.

Anyone who can skate, regardless of the type of skating, can become an Olympic pairs figure skating champion if given enough time...like two or three months.

People who fall in love at the 1992 Olympics will marry and have a child that is in her mid-twenties by the 2006 Olympics.

Olympic pairs skating is much like professional wrestling: To win you need to have a really cool finishing move.

It only takes one shared character to make a movie a sequel, and it doesn't matter if the same actor plays the role.

Just before a couple goes on ice, there is a 90% chance that one or the other of them is confessing their love of the other for the first time.

We're only one more direct-to-video or cable sequel away from the inevitable Cutting Edge/Air Bud crossover.

Sleep All Day. Party All Night. Never Grow Old.

2008-03-12T15:45:00.003-04:00

I'm sure all of you out there have been wondering exactly what my thoughts were on the new Lost Boys sequel now that the first trailer has been released. What's that? You didn't know there was a trailer? Well, here you go. Anyway, back to those questions you had. What exactly did I think when I saw the trailer? I'm glad you asked, here are my thoughts in approximately the order they happened during the trailer.

The trailer's debuting on MTV. Not a good sign.
Ok, prepare yourself because this is probably going to be bad, and whatever you do, don't let nostalgia get the best of you and get your hopes up.
Ugh, this looks like every other lame teen horror movie they try to push on us.
"Your sister's a suck monkey." 21 years later, Edgar Frog's still got it.
Whoa, Corey Feldman hasn't aged that much. For a second, I thought some of the footage of Edgar was from the first movie.
Obviously between 24 and DUI arrests, Kiefer wasn't available, so they got someone that sorta looks and sounds like him to deliver the "No, but seriously...We're vampires."
Don't get your hopes up, it's just a direct to video movie.
Edgar's moved up from running their parent's comic book store to making surfboards? At least he's still hunting down blood suckers.
Wait, we see Edgar Frog in the trailer, but what happened to Alan? Or was he there, but so much older that I just didn't recognize him?
Ooh, "Cry Little Sister" is in the trailer. Nostalgia rising. Cannot resist.
Edgar: "Let's go kill some vampires." Stop it, I don't want to care about this.
D'oh! Too late. I'm gonna be mad if (when) this movie stinks.

You're Embarrassing Us In Front of Chad

2008-03-10T07:29:00.002-04:00

So, I'm not the only person out there who sees the new Alltel commercials and wonders what happened to Sprint, right? Right?

You Spread Misery and Frustration Everywhere You Go

2008-03-03T12:56:00.003-05:00

The guys from movie podcasting site Battleship Pretension have a special message for all the people out there who talk during movies. Click here for 2 minutes or so of chuckle-inducing audio. (Found on today's IMDB Hit List.)

Trivial Tuesday

2008-02-26T19:50:00.002-05:00

In an episode of the Simpsons, Grampa declares the the metric system to be the work of the devil, saying "my car gets 40 rods to the hogshead." While the hogshead may not be quite so easy to define (it is around 50 or 60 gallons, but varies depending on what is measured), the rod was a standard measure of distance. Just how far was his car going on a 40th of a hogshead? (Put much more simply, how long is a rod?)

And yes, Grampa's car got really, really bad mileage.

Who Could It Be?

2008-02-25T20:15:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, it's just...

...Mii

Oscar Thoughts

2008-02-24T21:00:00.001-05:00

I'll probably be unconscious long before any of the big awards are given out. After all, it's time for another dose of Robitussin with codeine fairly soon.

However, I just saw Ratatoullie win for Best Animated Feature and feel the need to point out that Brad Bird is a genius. Also, I was really hoping to see Norbit win an Oscar.

I haven't seen many of the nominees, but if I had to guess, I'd expect Daniel Day-Lewis and There Will Be Blood to drink the milkshake of all the other nominees.

Trivial Tuesday

2008-02-19T19:00:00.002-05:00

Haven't done this in a while. Let's see if anyone's still out there...

In the Fox television show House, Dr. Wilson has movie posters up on the walls of his office. One of them is for Vertigo, but the only one I ever seem to notice is the other poster, for this film-noir classic.

Think you know what it is? Then maybe you should tell us in the comments section.

Update: Congrats to Brian who came through with the correct answer Touch of Evil.

Survey Says

2008-02-18T12:36:00.006-05:00

Surprise. I'm out of interesting things to say again. (Fine, "interesting") Rather than come up with something to say, here's a meme that originated as an email.

Welcome to the new edition of "getting to know your friends". OK, here's what you're supposed to do: (try not to be lame and spoil the fun!) Just copy (do not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you.
Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you. Some of you may get this several times that means you have lots of friends. (Or, you know, some sort of similar rules that apply to blogs instead.)

1. What is your occupation? I am a quality control microbiologist, but don't let that title fool you, I spend most of my day sitting in a chair, staring at a computer and complaining that everyone is stupid but me.

2. What color are your socks right now? Given that it isn't the weekend, you can pretty much be sure that they are black.

3. What are you listening to right now? The clicking of my keyboard as I type.

4. Can you drive a stick? Yes, but I haven't in many years.

5. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Seriously? That's the question? Let's see...How about brown; it's useful but no one really gets too excited about it.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Someone at work, about work. I don't even remember who anymore.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Well, considering that I am supposed to send this to that person as well as a bunch of other friends, it would be fairly rude and spiteful to say "no," wouldn't it? Fortunately, for the sake of our marriage, the answer is yes.

8. How old are you today? 11,468 days. Sure I could have told you that I was 31, but the question asked about today, so I figured it wanted specifics.

9. Favorite drink? Coke Zero.

10. What is your favorite sport to watch? College football.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? I don't think so. Maybe I did for a Halloween costume when I was younger, but I can't remember ever dying my hair.

12. Pets? 2 dogs, but if you read this blog very often you already know that.

13. Favorite food? Oh yeah, ask the fat guy what his favorite food is. That's not a question that will take weeks or even months to answer. I don't have one favorite food. It varies from one day to the next.

14. What was the last movie you saw? I guess it was probably No Reservations.

15. Favorite day of the year? That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th, because it's not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Hard to choose just one. Let's just narrow it down to G.I. Joe and Star Wars action figures.

17. What is your favorite: fall or spring? Fall.

18. Hugs or kisses? Kisses. Hugs are the ones with white chocolate swirls.

19. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries. I don't like blueberries too much unless they are in a pie.

20. Do you want your friends to email you back? If by email you mean post this on their blog, sure go ahead, but I'm not exactly going to be disappointed if no one does.

21. Who is most likely to respond? Whoever wants to update their blog, but is out of ideas or energy to post anything more interesting than this.

22. Who is least likely to respond? People with recently updated blogs.

23. Living arrangement? I live in a house with my wife and two dogs. (Is this getting repetitive or is it just me?)

24. When was the last time you cried? About 5 questions ago when I realized that I still had a long way to go to finish this quiz.

25. What is on the floor of your closet? Some clothing and a dog bed, I think.

26. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this? I'm sorry was this originally written in some other language? It looks like someone wrote it and then used Babelfish to translate it through about 5 different languages before returning to English.

27. What did you do last night? Watched The Simpsons then went to bed on time to try to prevent myself from getting sick (or more sick or sicker).

28. Favorite smell? Cookies baking.

29. What inspires you? I'm not sure which bothers me more: that I can't come up with a funny answer to this question or that I can't come up with a serious one.

30. What are you afraid of? Many things, but most of all failing the people who are important to me.

31. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? As long as you make the burger well, it's good no matter which you choose, but if I were to pick only one, I'd go with a green chile cheeseburger.

32. Favorite dog breed? Norwegian Lundehund (Ok, I've never even seen one of these in person, and I don't have a favorite breed. I just wanted to show of that I know about a dog that has six toes and was bred to hunt puffins.)

33. Number of keys on your key ring? 3

34. How many years at your current job? 6

35. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

36. How many states have you lived in? 4: Alabama, New Mexico, Illinois, Michigan. I also was in school in Tennessee for a while but didn't technically live there.

37. What are you doing this weekend? It's Monday. How can I possibly be expected to know what I'll do this weekend?

38. Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery? Not a motorcycle, but I did learn to drive in a full-sized conversion van. Does that count as heavy machinery?

39. What's your full name? Look, you either know it or don't by now, so we'll end here.

Lost Season Four Premiere, A Belated Review and Discussion

2008-02-04T07:33:00.000-05:00

Reader and commenter lbeth asked what I thought of Lost, and because I am lazy, busy or both I haven't posted anything yet. Now, just about in time for the next episode, my thoughts on The Beginning of The End.

It's been many, many months since we last saw any of our beloved castaways, and the last time we checked we were watching a dual timeline where Jack the savior contacted the freighter to get everyone rescued and Jack the bearded weepy drug addict was (a couple years in the future) screaming that they had to go back. Dramatic irony, it'll get you everytime.

We started off seeing a car chase on the news and watching Jack (not yet bearded, weepy or drug addicted, but drinking a bit early in the morning...something tells me the hospital would frown on a pre-work screwdriver) realize that it's his old buddy Hurley in the car running from the cops. Looks like Hurley gets off the island, too. Unfortunately, while he may be off the island, he also appears to be off his rocker, seeing images of a drowning Charlie telling him that "They Need You." After a chat with Big Mike, partner of the mistake formerly known as Ana Lucia, it's off to the looney bin with Hugo. Again.

On the island, it's more of the same. Locke is crazy, Jack can't listen, and the boat people still aren't who they say they are. This time, however, the split in the Losties is not simply figurative, as half flee to "safety" with Locke and half go with Jack to the beach to await "rescue."

If this was all there was to the episode, it would have been a pretty short premiere, but there was so much more. Hurely saw Jacob's cabin, where Christian was sitting in the rocking chair. Jack came to visit Hurley at the mental institution to make sure that he wasn't "gonna tell." Hurley was visited by a creepy dude who claimed to be from Oceanic Airlines, but couldn't provide any proof. Hurley told Jack that it wanted them to go back, and Jack insisted that they were never going back. (Yep, it got you again, Dr. Shepherd.)

The best lines of the night pretty much went to Ben (as is often the case) with his 1-2 punch of "Better call the boat. Tell 'em she's getting a big bundle of firewood." and "Ok, I probably should have told you that I saw her take the phone, but you beat me up Jack." With an honorable mention to Rose for declaring that she's "not going anywhere with that man," summing up the feelings many of us have for Locke, who, whether he's right or wrong, is a complete nutjob.

Was this my favorite episode? No, but it was still a very good episode. I loved seeing the different side of the post-rescue Jack. I loved the hints of things to come. The realization that "Oceanic Six" may mean that only six people leave the island. The fact that the split of the islanders is real, but that going with Locke doesn't mean someone stays and going with Jack doesn't mean that they leave. The fact that Charlie was seen by another patient and isn't just a figment of Hurley's imagination, but that he is definitely dead. The introduction of the creepy Matthew Abaddon, who helped to inspire my latest not yet hashed out all-encompassing theory which is certain to be wrong.

My questions from this episode:

Why are only some people off the island?

Why does Hurley want to go back already?

What makes Jack change his mind and go from confident quasi-celeb to suicidal?

How does Hurley go from hiding with Locke's group to leaving the island?

Who does Charlie want Hurley to help?

How is he supposed to help them?

Who was the creepy dude visiting Hurley?

What exactly is he offering?

What does he mean "are they alive?"

Why does he have a last name pulled from Revelation 9?

And most importantly, what was Jack's dad doing in Jacob's cabin? Seriously, Christian gets around a lot for a guy who's been dead since before the show started. (For more mind-bending strangeness involving the elder Dr. Shepherd, check out the Missing Pieces "mobisode" #13, entitled "So It Begins.")

I'm sure there are a lot of things I'm forgetting, but I think that's more than enough for now.

My House Smells Like Chiles*

2008-01-31T20:10:00.000-05:00

Rather than wasting our money on eating out or buying expensive premade meals, we've actually been cooking for ourselves recently. Earlier this week, Melissa prepared a variation of Giada DiLaurentis's orzo stuffed peppers, using poblanos and cilantro in place of the bell peppers and mint. Then I made a chili again (made mostly as I described back here). Now, when we come into the house, we are greeted with the smell of chiles. I don't think it's going to become a common air freshener scent anytime soon, but it is enjoyable.

Ok, now get out of here, it's almost time for Lost to start.

^*That's chiles, not Chili's. If my house smelled like Chili's, it wouldn't be nearly as appetizing.

Today's Signs That You Need To Take a Break Before Sending That Email Reply

2008-01-30T10:18:00.000-05:00

1. Despite trying to be as diplomatic as possible, phrases like "fundamentally flawed" keep showing up in your response to the point just made by someone highly outranking you.

2. So does "reflects a serious lack of understanding."

3. The word count in the reply is beginning to edge toward that of War and Peace.

4. As the words pile up, the phrasing begins to suggest that the audience is made up of young children who need everything spoon-fed to them in small, easily-digestable chunks.

5. You finally walk away muttering, "It's just common sense. Why can't they get it?"

Cloverfield

2008-01-22T21:34:00.001-05:00

I've got a million other things to talk about (ok, four or five), but this is what's on my mind now despite those other half written posts: We went to see Cloverfield tonight.

I'm going to guess that you've already heard about it, since the marketing campaign has been hard to escape since the first teaser was attached to Transformers what seems like years ago. They've tried really hard not to tell too much about this movie, so I'm not going to spoil it for you here. The story involves a handful of New Yorkers who are throwing a going away party for their friend, Rob, when something happens. We gain details at the same time they do, learning that some sort of monster type thing is attacking the city. As they flee the scene we run along with them, as the entire film consists of the footage on their home video camera (shot mostly by Hud, the friend who is scared to death and therefore can't stop talking or filming and who serves as what little comic relief there is). To avoid giving away too much, let's just go with a summary of the good and bad of the film.

Good: The film is entirely different from most giant monster movies. It is from the perspective of a few people, none of whom are truly important in the grand scheme of things. Since they are just regular people, it's the job of the writer, director and actors to convince us that we should care about them. And they succeed, not by making us care about Rob's job in Japan or who's in love with whom, but by making us one of them.

Good: Having the film shot on the handheld camera gave a realism to the film that traditional filming would not have managed. That made the difference between watching these people running for their lives and feeling like we are all running for our lives.

Bad: Having the film shot on the handheld camera produces some weird motion effects while running, turning around or doing any of a million other things. If you are at all prone to motion sickness, you might want to take a Dramamine before going. We've been out for a while, and I'm still feeling like I could puke at any moment. (Fortunately, this issue is balanced by the relatively short run time of the movie.)

Good: The film captured the true horror of a situation like that. Sure the monster is scary, but the reality is that you don't have a clue what's happening. Everyone is screaming and talking at once. No one knows what to do next. Nothing is truly safe because you don't know if you are heading into an area that's even worse than it was before.

Bad: If you want answers, this is not the movie for you. (If you want answers, you should also pretty much avoid anything with J.J. Abrams name on it.) They aren't going to tell you what happened to people A, B and C. They aren't going to give you details on what that monster is or where it came from or how to kill it.

Good: Then again, looking at that last point a different way, the movie doesn't rely on a lot of exposition, so...they don't give you details on what the monster is or where it came from or how to kill it. Writer Drew Goddard stated that they specifically avoided having the scene with "the scientist in the white lab coat who shows up and explains things like that." There may be hints or guesses as to all of these things, but if you are running scared and just trying to survive, do you really care about these details?

Good: Which brings us to the monster itself. If you've gotten this far in the post hoping I would tell you what the monster is, you've wasted your time for two reasons. I'm not going to spoil things for you, first of all. Second, I don't know how to tell you what it is. Do we see it? Sure, but we see it as the people who are running for their lives see it, in bits and pieces as it moves and attacks and doesn't bother stopping to pose for pictures. It's not really like anything I've seen before. Sure it's kind of recognizable as being like this or like that, but it is its own new entry into the pantheon of movie monsters and only time will tell if it manages to become iconic like many of the others. (It's not just looks that determine this. After all, King Kong is just a big monkey and Godzilla is an overgrown T. Rex, neither one a particularly cool or clever idea on its own, and they are by far the best known/most beloved of the giant movie monsters.)

Bad: The movie avoids a lot of monster movie/disaster movie cliches. Unfortunately, there are a few that it just can't pass up. People do stupid things despite all common sense because it makes things more exciting. People don't die when they should because we need them for just a little bit longer. In a movie that tried so hard to avoid the norm, these moments stand out more than they should.

I'm not saying that it's a perfect movie. It's far from it. However, if you love monster movies, this is a great choice. You'll not only get that but also a movie that is intense and lets you see just how horrific being caught up in a situation totally outside of your control can be and captures the fear and confusion of being there. The people in this movie seem real. They are your friends, neighbors, brothers and sisters. You care about them, not because the filmmakers want you to, but because these people are you, and you have to survive.

Also in the good category, but not so much related to the movie itself: The first teaser for Abrams' Star Trek film was attached. It's just a teaser, but it really did make me excited about seeing it, even though I'm not truly a huge Trek fan.

I Talk About Food and TV a Lot, Don't I

2008-01-14T07:28:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I watch the Food Network. A lot. I've talked about it plenty on here already. However, there are some things that I don't really like (which, I'll try to point out without being too Anthony Bourdain about the whole thing¹).

When I watch shows on Food Network, I want to be entertained, but at the same time, I also want to learn something. That's why I love Good Eats. Alton Brown is entertaining, but at the core of it all he's a teacher. A recent episode of Good Eats was dedicated strictly to knives. He talked about choosing knives, maintaining knives, storing knives, and various ways in which the knife is to be used. Food was only used as a means to demonstrate the technique until the very end of the show where he took all those items he had been demonstrating on and turned it into a wonderful looking dish. Compare this style with things like Rachael Ray or Sandra Lee. You can watch any episode of the shows (the ones where they are cooking, not the other thousand RR shows) and you really aren't learning anything. Sure you can get a recipe, but you could have gotten that by going online. Maybe if you watch Sandra Lee enough you can learn to perfect your "tablescapes" by buying out an entire Hobby Lobby or how to decorate your Christmas tree with nothing but glasses for your favorite cocktails, but that's not what I want to see. Even look at Iron Chef America, which I have come to accept despite the fact that it isn't the original. Watch an episode of ICA and see if you don't learn something: a technique, how to chose the best ingredient, or even more about where your food comes from.

Recently, both Molto Mario and Emeril Live were cancelled. I was amazed by this for a couple of reasons. First, Emeril Live always seemed to be the flagship of the station, and I couldn't imagine the network without it. Sure, I had problems with the catchphrases and the audience's obsessive cheering for garlic and alcohol, but those are relatively minor. The other reason I was surprised that they would cancel either of these is that they worked. These were two talented guys with larger than life personalities³ talking to an audience (a few for Mario a lot for Emeril) who sat right there and watched them cook. They entertained and they taught. Molto Mario may have been more of a classic-style cooking show, but it was incredibly informative. Just a few minutes of that show provided tons of information about food and culture. It disappoints me to see that good shows are gone while we get Sandra Lee or one of the many reality shows they now have⁴.

This isn't going to stop me from continuing to watch the Food Network shows I like, but it does make feel that if things continue going this direction, there will be fewer and fewer of those shows.

¹ Not that I could be if I tried. In addition to not being talented, I don't have anywhere near enough vitriol.²

² Nor have I done nearly enough heroin.

³ see: Heat by Bill Buford.

⁴ The one reality show that gets a pass here is Dinner: Impossible, because the things Robert Irvine does under such time constraints is really remarkable. It's amazing to see the ideas come into his head on the fly.

Who Are You?

2008-01-10T18:46:00.000-05:00

I've read in a couple of places that this is supposed to be De-lurking Day, so if you're hanging around and reading and I don't know who you are or you don't think I know who you are, leave a comment. Tell us about yourself, where you're from, what you do. It will be like one of those really bad "getting to know you" ice-breaker games.